JPHiP Forum

The Hello! Project Fanfics => Writers' Cafe => Topic started by: Loser87 on July 15, 2008, 03:53:15 AM

Title: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Loser87 on July 15, 2008, 03:53:15 AM
So, I bet you're wondering what is this thread exactly?
This thread is made up by Me (loser87) and Yuu-chan (Yuuyami) because we thought since we're in the Newbie Era, there is a lot of help needed to help those who wish to improve in their writing.

Basically, we've become Beta readers/writers..

To help our fellow younger generations here..(Any senior writers may help as long as they inform us first that they want to help.)

See, Me and Yuu-chan have been discussing the latest stories that have been popping up left and right lately due to such enthusiastic and imaginative writers here and that made us happy because it meant more activity in our humble little thread.

BUT...

We've also been noticing the lack of care, character developments, and most especially the feelings placed in the stories you've written.

We understand that you had this great idea and you want it out there immediately!
That itch to get that idea out into the world and out of your head for others to read and enjoy..
We've all been there, we weren't born perfect writers...(Except maybe Essy-chan..She's mad pro)

We all had bad stories but we saw our mistakes and improved from it.

Therefore, the purpose of this thread is to help you improve in your writing though be prepared, we can be very blunt and extremely brutal in our critiques if we do not like what we see.

We know everyone has potential to be a great writer.

Even though our critiques can be harsh, don't take it as a bash or flame because then you're not thinking as a writer should. You should see it as an explanation and a way of how to improve.

With us, we'll help you develop your ideas, pan out your story line, improve character development and interactions, check for grammar and spelling and research the characters you write about...

And soon, you'll be on your way in the l33t groups of writers with an epic story people from different H!P Forums would talk about for hours/days/weeks/etc.

So don't be shy!

Come one, Come all!!

Sign up and become an Elite writer~

You'll have people praising you and begging you for more.

That's a promise. >;D

signing out,

Loser87 and Yuuyami.

(http://www.imgur.com/files/080714/Bootcamp-xD.gif)
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: jafeijai on July 15, 2008, 04:02:54 AM
I'd just like a small critique of a story I'm working on. It's not H!P related, but I'd still like to see what people think about my writing style and whatnot. Would that be alright?
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: heyyouhiya on July 15, 2008, 04:19:21 AM
I think this is a great idea =]
Especially since myself I do have that problem of wanting to get my idea out immediately so I hardly ever proof read. and when I do its already been posted and I just make very small changes...its something I've been trying to work on though haha
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: mini*wheat on July 15, 2008, 04:33:58 AM
Oh! Cool idea!
I took a creative writing class that did something like this. What we did though was have a person submit their work, and then everyone wrote letters to the author stating what worked and what didn't. It was a pretty awesome process and it worked really well. Just a suggestion though.

I may have a couple of things I'll throw out here at later date.  :)
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Yuuyami on July 15, 2008, 05:15:07 AM
Woo! Customers o_o

Welcome to the camp my pretties :B

Jafeijai, feel free to post whatever sample chapter on here so we'd take a look at it.

Heyyouhiya, lovely idea, yes? xDDDD

Mini*Wheat, Haha, my writing classes do that too xDDDD.

But yes, y'all, feel free to send in chapters (by PM if necessary xDD ) and we'll gladly do edit it and do a commentary on it xD.




Also, we're totally going to implement excercises from time to time. Like we give you a prompt and you write it, or you choose a character and you must write a random story about that character after some research xDDDD, those kinds of prompts xDDD. Of course, you can still PM them to us for privacy, but we would love it if you post it on this thread so we can also post our commentary on this. That way, an example can be set for everyone, yo xDDDDD….

In fact, let’s start these prompts now~ o_________o



Part one:
Character Prompt:
(Badass Instructor: Loser87)

Which idol are you interested in writing about? What do you know about her? Make a list of EVERYTHING you know about her. Now why do you want to write about her? What do you think she is like? What type of aura/feeling do you get when you see her? (Ex. Tough, funny, kind) What random facts do you know about her? (Little tidbits). Anything else you want to add about her? Please write a page or two answering these questions.


Part two:
Writing Prompt:
(Beauty Instructor: Yuuyami)

You have this magnificent idea in your head, but the problem is putting it down on paper (or in this case, a keyboard). When writing down your magnificent idea, you must absolutely always question yourself. “Is this the right way to phrase it?” or “Did what I just type achieve the effect that I want?” Since angsty stories are becoming popular, a good question to ask yourself is “Do I feel sad when I read this?” The common way to fix these questions (if you answer ‘no’ ) would be to change/add words to your sentences for the correct effect. With that mindset in mind, your objective for this prompt is to write your chosen character (from the above prompt) in a fluffy ( FLUFFY! Not perverted xDDD) situation with their lover and turn our insides into sugary goodness.




Of course, this isn’t just for those who want to improve their writing. We highly encourage everyone, new and old alike, to participate in these prompts. We’re curious damn it xDDDD!!!! So start sending them in!
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: cool_kickin_dude on July 15, 2008, 05:30:16 AM
can I ask if you can see my fanfics on here and tell me what I'm doing wrong?

good thing we have an American Idol judges for H!P fanfics :)
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Yuuyami on July 15, 2008, 05:33:20 AM
xDDDDD Post your best chapter on here and we'll look at it.
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: heyyouhiya on July 15, 2008, 05:44:25 AM
xDDDDD Post your best chapter on here and we'll look at it.

^ I hope that applies to everyone XD

Okay so I usually hate to ask for help when others can see...but I'm pretty proud of this so I'm going to ask
its the prologue for my One Minute story and its something I actually took the time to edit. (because if you notice my earlier post in this topic I said thats the hardest thing for me; actually editing the piece before posting it.)

-----

I remember everything about that minute. Your sympathetic gaze as you set the small digital watch on the table counting down from a minute. The feeling I can only explain as cold slowly spreading throughout the room. How every move that was made seemed to take an eternity, while still passing all too quickly.

You finally turned toward me, the raw emotion in your eyes was bewitching and painful at the same time. You looked so fragile, like glass. It felt that if I even breathed you would surely shatter into a million pieces. You were in so much blatant pain that it hurt to look at you. It was as if you were reading my mind, for we both looked away at the same time.

You turned to stare blindly out the window, your long hair shielding your eyes like a curtain. I busied myself by staring at the numbers slowly going down on the small watch.

Thirty-two seconds

The air was thick. I could feel my lungs tensing and my heart beating louder. I was certain you could hear it. I don't even know why I was scared. But a cold feeling had spread around the room and left me empty.

It felt like hours before you finally spoke. I knew it hadn't been that long because my eyes never broke their gaze at the clock.

Twenty-five seconds.

"Goodbye"

Those words hung in the air between us. Strangely my heart didn't quicken; I think it just stopped. I looked up, you hadn't moved. It was almost as if you had never spoken.

"What? Going on vacation and you didn't invite me?" Joking was all I could think to do in order to stay calm. My own laughter rang in my ears.

You looked back at me with a sheepish grin before turning back to the window. I walked over and reached my hand out to touch your face, almost to make sure you were really there. To my horror, I realized I was crying.

I pulled back quickly and turned away trying to wipe away my tears. I don't know why or how, but my eyes found there way back to that damned clock.

Five seconds.

You slowly reached up and cupped my cheek in one of your hands. It was a warm and gentle touch; I was your most prized possession.

You managed to catch my eyes again. I think the world stopped for a moment under your calm, unflinching gaze. It seemed like I could see straight through your eyes and into your very being. Pain, confidence, fear, joy, understanding...and then I blinked and the moment was over. I felt a sharp pain spread from my cheek through my entire body, and I was alone.

I didn't need to look at the clock; I knew it displayed zero. I reached up to touch my cheek where your warmth had been moments before. I could feel my whole body becoming numb. I leaned my forehead against the cold forgiving glass of the window and laughed.

I understood everything now.

-----

So yea, its not supposed to be clear whats going on (I actually haven't reviled that fully in the rest of the story yet) but just overall the writing.

I'm grateful that you two are taking the time to look at this =]

Feel free to be as harsh as you would like to be.
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: stefy on July 15, 2008, 06:13:53 AM
Whoa... fanfic school...

O_O

Cool! Ganbare ppl!!

*sneaks away* (Maybe.. I come back for a lesson or two)
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Rei.rev.07 on July 15, 2008, 06:28:45 AM
I'm scared of knowing the truth, but I feel like signing up so I can improve :sweatdrop:.
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: lollipopgirl on July 15, 2008, 06:30:39 AM
I think I shall sit in the back of the class, throwing things at everyone and setting traps for the teachers :twisted:
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: ShikyoxYaiba on July 15, 2008, 06:52:18 AM
Actually, I think I could use some advice on the first chapter of a fic I just posted a little while ago. (Literally a minute or two...XD) I haven't been writing for 2-3 months, and I hope I'm not too rusty. The fic I'm writing isn't my usual type, but the idea was nagging at my brain. :sweatdrop: I myself think it's lacking description... But please, give it a look and fix anything...and give me criticism. I need it. XD Here's the link: ~My Apologies~ Chapter 1 (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=16592.0)
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Rei.rev.07 on July 15, 2008, 06:59:33 AM
I think I shall sit in the back of the class, throwing things at everyone and setting traps for the teachers :twisted:
I'll just move to the back with you and nap XD (so don't throw things at me~~!).
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Loser87 on July 15, 2008, 07:14:59 AM
Okay, Heyyouhiya...
We read your story...and discussed it on MSN..
We were harsh but it was our honest opinion, don't let it get you down because we gave you advice on improving.
We are willing to help, you just need to endure criticism.

We're color-coded.

Loser87 is Green
and
Yuuyami is bright purple.

Okay, here we go!

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Whoa, he looked like he improved o_O

MoMo says:
hnn

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Alright, first parrie

MoMo says:
yeah okay...from what read so far...which is the first 3 sentence better choice in wording...

MoMo says:
repeating minute gets irritating

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xDDDD second sentence is a fragment

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
It could have been combined with the first

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Wait, not really combined

MoMo says:
it could have

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Looking at the first three, I think he could have added more detail to it

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
paragraphs I mean

MoMo says:
there should be more detail..

MoMo says:
emphasis on feelings using italics, underlines and bolds should help too

MoMo says:
because right now, i feel nothing for this short

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He touches up on stuff, yeah, but I feel like he could have talked more about it rather than just brush against it

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Same

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Very emotionless

MoMo says:
it feels...rather very bland

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I see the effort strewn in the writing, but it's not the correct effect

MoMo says:
there's no emphasis on the desperation or anxiety he wanted

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mmhmm

MoMo says:
if he did he might get the feeling across...

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He merely described what was happening

MoMo says:
I didn't even read the whole thing and already right now i can tell this would be one of the things i'd stop and leave

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
The same old "This happens. That happens." problem he has

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mm

MoMo says:
mmm my advice he needs to do our lessons

MoMo says:
and learn from the critiques we give him

MoMo says:
using examples and such

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
This is first person, so it's actually harder to write than third person

MoMo says:
i dunno, i feel the need to revise like a paragraph of this to compare and show him things

MoMo says:
yeah..

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
'cause with first person, EVERY word has to count towards the character's mindset

MoMo says:
i wonder if he know the characters information

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
And with this, it felt like an omniscent third person narrator

MoMo says:
it does..

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
So it explains the bland-roboticness of it

MoMo says:
so its perfect that he NEEDS to do our lesson since that's what our 1st lesson is about!

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah! :V

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
:B

MoMo says:
lmao

MoMo says:
but we'll tell our critique now i guess? since we already wrote half of it, i don't know how brutal we'll get if we read the entire thing..

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah xD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He said we can be harsh

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
So we can  

MoMo says:
well, when i looked at it, read the first paragraph, I have to be honest i didn't wanna continue reading it

MoMo says:
it was incredibly dull, didn't capture my interest at all, and I didn't give a damn who this mystery person was or who she was crushing on

MoMo says:
it held no feeling and so I just didn't care enough to continue, a skip story basically

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Same with me. It sounded like a rather cliched beginning.

MoMo says:
you got that too right? almost 0 creativity

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

MoMo says:
to make the story attractive

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
It must be have some spice like Emeril being so constipated he shouts BAM o-o

MoMo says:
it has a lot of potential though to be very..tempting/seductive to the reader, to become this very dark , harsh world

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xD Edit out that joke

MoMo says:
LMAO

MoMo says:
NO!

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Or leave it in if you liked it that much o_O

MoMo says:
XD

MoMo says:
i'll leave it in because it shows how lame you are

MoMo says:
XD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
LOL Oh gahh xD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Alright, next paragraph xD

MoMo says:
-sigh- >_<

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I actually thought the description here was pretty decent. Good use of simile and metaphor.

MoMo says:
it was decent, he could have combined the sentences

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
But the thing about this one is that I felt like he could have added more to it

MoMo says:
added more...i guess details, metaphors, feelings inside

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
The last sentence's syntax could be rearranged though

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He describes the looks, but not the feelings behind them

MoMo says:
yeah

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Next parrie

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
or not, you're still typing o-o

MoMo says:
lol its okay

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Uh.

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Not enough detail xD

MoMo says:
mmm the 3rd paragraph wasn't very interesting

MoMo says:
it was basically the whole "she sat there"

MoMo says:
"She moved here"

MoMo says:
"She looked very sad"

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
It looks like he was attempting to make a transition to the Thirty-two seconds though

MoMo says:
yea but it felt really cheap and cheesy

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
What irked me is that he put details in the first two paragraphs, but not the third one

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He needs to be consistant.

MoMo says:
detail is important

MoMo says:
even in a prologue..

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mmhmm

MoMo says:
he shoulda' bolded the 32 seconds thing

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Next

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I was thinking that too.

MoMo says:
emphasis it since it looked important

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Next

MoMo says:
okay

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
"The air was thick"

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
............Lovely xD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
With what?

MoMo says:
lol

MoMo says:
he could've said,

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I am currently idle.

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
-punts mouse-

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
The air was thick with apprehension

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
That would have been nice

MoMo says:
"The air felt heavy with our anxiety"

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Or "The air was suffocating" in relation to the second sentence

MoMo says:
could've done that, used the 'air was thick' to express the two characters

MoMo says:
it'd would give us more understanding of their lack of turmoil/sadness >_>

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
But it's boring D:

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Like "See Spot run" D:

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah xD

MoMo says:
mmm the 4th paragraph....

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I don't like that last sentence

MoMo says:
yea

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Oh, we moved on?

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xD

MoMo says:
oh?

MoMo says:
no

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I was talking about the cold feeling part

MoMo says:
the air was thick is the 4th para

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
It felt really out of place

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Oh xD

MoMo says:
yea that last sentence

MoMo says:
could have been better

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Could have been something different

MoMo says:
but instead it just sticks out like sore thumb...

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

MoMo says:
in all its awkward glory

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Next line? xD

MoMo says:
mm

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He's trying to express an eternity here, but it's not a very good job of doing it

MoMo says:
another this and that line...

MoMo says:
its very...

MoMo says:
repetitive

MoMo says:
its not something you want in your chapter..

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
And it does the complete opposite of the intended effect

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He wanted eternity, but these sentences went by super quick

MoMo says:
you want to emphasis it but if you repeat it over and over it loses its effect and just becomes annoying

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
the feeling is, I mean

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mm

MoMo says:
next one?

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Should have been bolded

MoMo says:
lol

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I am currently idle.

MoMo says:
XD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Next one would have had a greater effect if it had proper punctuation... xDDDD

MoMo says:
XDXD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Next one

MoMo says:
Oh gosh

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
" Strangely my heart didn't quicken; I think it just stopped. " Well thanks for stating the obvious xDD

MoMo says:
XD

MoMo says:
different wording, making the sentence longer

MoMo says:
And oh, DETAIL

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
This one doesn't have details o_o

MoMo says:
it needs detail..

MoMo says:
>_>

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
XDDDD It's like he got all detaily in the beginning but when he finally gets to the 'action' he just stops doing it o-o

MoMo says:
its...just..blargh..to me

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Next~

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
o__O

MoMo says:
its hollow

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He just totally ruined the tension xD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Next one after too

MoMo says:
you don't feel anything

MoMo says:
that's it

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
The first sentence, with the sheepish grin, it feels like a fluff sentence

MoMo says:
the feelings that should be there are just all over the place

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Fluff doesn't belong in angst

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

MoMo says:
its like he has no control of what feeling he wants

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

MoMo says:
the timing is...well awful..

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mmhmm

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
The sentence type clashes too much

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He's writing something angsty, but these sentences, the way they're worded, they don't belong here

MoMo says:
yeah, if he had different words or a diff. sentence that would compliment the others than it'd be fine

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
So far, I don't understand this character's mindset at all

MoMo says:
but..what i see is him adding something that just doesn't work like fitting a square into a circl

MoMo says:
circle*

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I don't know why he walked up to the girl and then walked back

MoMo says:
I don't understand what the hell is going on though

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He doesn't describe the feelings

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mm

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He doesn't describe the intentions or anything

MoMo says:
usually in a prologue you do get..a small guess of whats gonna happen

MoMo says:
this nothing, its too scattered, has too many options of what it could be

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
But with this one, we see things happening, but we don't know why

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Doing too many things at once

MoMo says:
all i know there is suppose to be angst

MoMo says:
but you just don't feel the pain

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mmhmm

MoMo says:
reason why is because you don't know why you should feel bad for this character

MoMo says:
there is no reason to feel sympathetic

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mmhmm

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I read the rest of it xD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
But I'm still left confused

MoMo says:
I'm guessing it might be because girl 2 is leaving somewhere or wants to break up

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

MoMo says:
and girl 1 is all boo-hoo about it

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
But still, both characters are very unreadable

MoMo says:
i read it all too

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I don't know what they're thinking

MoMo says:
in all honesty the only way for me to get a feeling across in a 1st person writing

MoMo says:
is to be that character, how would they react, how would you feel if that happens

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mmhmm

MoMo says:
because in all honesty human emotion is all the same we just express it differently

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

MoMo says:
i think that's the key in writing 1st person pov's

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
It is

MoMo says:
just think how it would make you, the author feel and then express it in words

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
It's what Essy-chan stresses a lot when she writes

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
And it's something she's told me a lot too

MoMo says:
lol, i figured it out

MoMo says:
things like describing love, you don't know what it is, how its suppose to feel, you can never find the right words for it

MoMo says:
so it's left usually as indescribable

MoMo says:
anyway, this 'short', its easily forgettable, it leaves me feeling like i want to avoid it..and...it just feels hollow

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I am currently idle.

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Indeed

MoMo says:
-punts your mouse-

MoMo says:
your mouse annoys me yuuchan

MoMo says:
>_>

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xDDDD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I get so involved when I talk with you like this, so there's no need for me to move it... xD

MoMo says:
LMAO

MoMo says:
anyway, what's your verdict?

MoMo says:
well, critique >_>

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Still the same "This happens. That happens." I want him to think about the characters' motives and use them to influence the writing

MoMo says:
yeah, i want him to think about how they would feel in that situation

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xD You are going to post our above conversation in its entirety, right?

MoMo says:
this story does have a lot of potential

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mm

MoMo says:
yes, lol

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Good xD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Edit out my lame jokes D<

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xD

MoMo says:
I'll just copy and paste this and just color code it XD

MoMo says:
No

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
>______>;

MoMo says:
the world needs to see your lameness XDXD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I'm sad xD You never once tried to make a joke

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
You were too serious D:

MoMo says:
I make jokes about people!

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
What happened to that gangsta, yo D<

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xD

MoMo says:
>_>

MoMo says:
I'm not that ghetto

MoMo says:
I am still asian XD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Oh well just hurry up so I can sleep xD

MoMo says:
-rolls eyes- w/e

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
We totally did a good job today xD

MoMo says:
well, advice is given in our critiques and for extra help he should do the lesson we put up before

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
And he should ask us to beta often

MoMo says:
so all in all that should be it for tonight

MoMo says:
yes

MoMo says:
XDXD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
So we can direct him in the right path... xD

MoMo says:
yessum and lead him to the golden stairs of us l33ts

MoMo says:
XD

MoMo says:
we get praises and coffee...plus cookies~

MoMo says:
okay, well then off I do to do the color coding >_>

MoMo says:
-sigh-

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
And god knows how much cheesecake we need to be satisfied xD

MoMo says:
XDXD

------------------------

Okay, that was our critique for Heyyouhiya.
It has a lot of potential but it needs to be worked on and thought out.
Don't rush things, you have to spend your time thinking about wondering if its just right.
Like, "This sounds weird to me" or "Is this really getting the point across"

You also need to choose your words carefully, sometimes a bad choice of words can make your sentence look awkward or out of place.
And what Yuuyami stresses, Details.

A story lacking details isn't really a story.
It doesn't give the readers imagination enough ideas of what's happening and there's no visual in their heads.

You also need to express the feelings of the characters.
In what we've read, it sounded very hollow, robotic and just emotionless.
There was nothing, it didn't leave us sympathetic or sad, or whatever you were trying to convey.
It is hard but its not difficult.

Usually the trick is thinking about how YOU, the author would feel if that happened.
Then, you imagine how that idol would feel.

Like I said, Human emotion is all the same, the only difference is on how we express it.

Hope this helps, not only does this apply in writing fanfic, it applies to writing in general also.
You have a lot of potential but it seems like you need help so we're willing to be your beta.

Anyway, do our exercises the one yuuyami posted earlier for practice.
Yes, it's like an assignment but it'll help so.

Anyway keep on coming you guys!
We'll help ya' knuckleheads out >;P
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Loser87 on July 15, 2008, 07:22:21 AM
woah, didn't notice the 4 new replies before me and...that my green is so bright >_<;;

Sorry about that people, just highlight the whole thing to make it easier on the eyes ;;

Anyways, don't be shy about wanting our critique, we'll try not to be harsh..
But being a writer is also having to endure a little bit of honest criticism =T

Besides, its good lessons and honest opinions and you'll become a better writer no doubt!
don't be afraid to voice your opinions on your own work, it'll help us better understand what you were trying to do.

A good way to improve especially when you have help,
is to tell us what you wanted, what was going on your mind, expressing your opinions!
All in a constructive way of course.

so uh, yeah..that's it for tonight..
I will be going to sleep now and yuuchan (yuuyami) has already gone to bed!


Night y'all~
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: heyyouhiya on July 15, 2008, 07:31:40 AM
First a foremost: ...I'm a she...
lol not that you would know that.
I just thought I would throw that whole I am a female thing out there...

Then can I say, I love how you two critique. (even the random talking and lame jokes)
I hate when people don't tell me everything thats wrong because they want to be nice.
So thank you, this was awesome and amazingly helpful...and as soon as my test on wensday is over I will do one of your exercises.
And I promise to work on adding more detail because that seemed to be the thing you two commented on the most

But kind of in defense of my fic a little...(although obviously this isn't going to change much of your opinion but -shrug-) It was supposed to have a kind of feelingless feel to it...

But so yea...thank you =]
(especially for how quick that was. I expected it to maybe be tomorrow at the soonest)
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: jafeijai on July 15, 2008, 11:21:15 AM
Alright, here's my little 'contribution' to the camp. ^.^;; Please note that this story is unrelated to H!P (for now, at least) and that I haven't really planned out anything with regards to storyline nor character development. I like to go with the flow. :)
____________________
Chapter 1: First Meeting
The sound of the first bell ringing reverberated through the otherwise quiet neighbourhood as a lone figure ran towards the school entrance. Dressed in the standard jet-black uniform of Aijou High School, the boy was thankful for the lack of flower petals flying into his face. With the trees just beginning to blossom, the falling flower petals would only serve to frustrate the boy as he continued his dash across the open school grounds. Reaching his shoe box just inside the main doors of the building, the sound of the school bell ringing a second time reached the boy’s ears, confirming his tardiness. Without any outward expression of recognition of his situation, he ran towards the closest flight of stairs and began the climb to his classroom.

Approaching his classroom door, the boy quickly reduced his pace to a tiptoe and listened carefully for any sign of his teacher having already begun homeroom procedures. To his unspoken delight, his classmates were still talking amongst themselves about various things: the latest scoop on the most popular boybands, the score of the game two nights before, the new drama series broadcast just last night, even news about the upcoming government dispute managed to make its way into the hallway. Judging himself safe from harm, the boy grabbed the door handle and flung the door wide open. In that instant, all noise coming from Class 3-B disappeared and 27 pairs of eyes quickly shifted their focus to the now open door and the smug-looking boy who had now stepped into the room. With a wide grin plastered on his face, the boy loudly exclaimed, “I, Yoshida Hiro (吉田宏), am not late!!”

Just as sudden as the boy’s entrance, another loud noise could be heard from the doorway: the sound of the boy collapsing onto the ground, clutching the back of his head in pain. A quick assessment of his injury resulted in no life-threatening damage (yet) and the boy quickly turned and directed his best death glare towards his assailant. To his horror, standing in front of him was none other than Miyamoto Yuuka (宮本優香); his homeroom teacher. Waving the wooden ruler in her right hand threateningly, she proceeded to her desk at the front of the room and picked up two small pieces of chalk from within her desk drawer. “Young man, I believe today is yet another late to add onto the ever-growing pile. Since the usual punishment doesn’t seem to work, let’s try something different. Normally I’d have you write lines in reflection of your behaviour. Now I’d like you to stand outside with these pieces of chalk in your outstretched hands until I tell you to come back inside. Maybe the numbing in your arms will help remind you to make it to class on time tomorrow morning.”

With his head facing towards the floor, the boy made his way to the wooden entrance. Closing the door behind him slowly as he exited the room, the boy gave a heavy sigh and slowly put his back to the wall to begin his punishment. To his surprise, someone else was already standing with her back to the wall across from him (he quickly noticed the lack of chalk in her hands). At first glance, all the boy could think about was how pretty this girl looked: shoulder-length black hair that slightly shimmered under the fluorescent lighting of the hallway and her skin gave off a healthy glow, all backed by the morning sun. A closer look revealed a cute dimpled smile directed his way, making him feel he was in the presence…of an angel. But before he had the chance to make any small talk with the girl, the voice of his teacher could be heard emerging from the doorway: “Now it might be a surprise to many of you as it is already so far into the term, but we have a transfer student joining our class starting today. Please give her a warm welcome; you may enter the classroom now.”
____________________
Thanks for taking the time to read this.  :kneelbow:
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: ringo-hime on July 15, 2008, 11:59:24 AM
oh, just read everything. wanna sign up too~  :D
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: AmberSan on July 15, 2008, 12:32:37 PM
LOL your convo...  :lol:
but anyways realy liked the idea of this thread..
will sign up when i'll finish the next chapter... :sweatdrop:...
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: cool_kickin_dude on July 16, 2008, 12:12:40 AM
well..here's my part from my working fanfic..do your brutal best! :lol:

Chapter 24: Plan A busted

"Nothing really," the person said.

"Are you sure?" Miki asked.

"It was nothing really," the second person said. "I gotta get going."

As Miki watched that person leave, her eyes shifted back to the attention to the person in charge. "Okay," she asked, "what do you want?"

"What are you talking about?" the person asked.

"You know, Maki."

"No, I don't. I was just talking to..."

"I know exactly what you were going to do."

"No, you.."

"Don't interrupt me!" Miki's voice raised to anger as she fixed her patented death-glare upon Maki. "You are not going to hurt Yossie, you understand?"

"If anybody's hurt her, it's you," Maki said.

"Really?" Miki pinned Maki's shoulders to the wall and leaned in close to her face, her breath inches away. "I believe you hurt her if anybody has. I can't decided who Yossie dates, but she's happy with Rika than she'll ever be with you."

"Don't cross me, Miki. You'll regret it."

Maki shoved Miki away as she went downstairs toward the floor level of the building. She left outside and hailed for a taxi to take her back to the apartment. She waited until she got home beforeshe called her friend she was talking to earlier.

"It's me," Maki said. "Meet me at my apartment in 30 minutes."

* * * * * * * *

Rika and Yossie walked arm and arm to the office as Yossie got a message on her phone. She stopped and read the message before she gave Rika a kiss on the cheek. "Miki just called me," she said. "I'll be back soon."

"OK, I'll be in my dressing room if you need me." Rika gave Yossie a quick kiss before she went upstairs. That was when she was stopped by a person working for Tsunku. "Excuse me, Rika?" the man asked. "Tsunku wants to see you."

"OK," Rika replied sadly. Her cheerfulness already was gone out of her face.

"He says he has a surprise for you."

"What is it?"

Minutes later, Rika was in Tsunku's office to hear the good news. "We want you to continue working as much as possible," he said. "Effective next week, you will be hosting Hello!Morning."

"Thank you!" Rika smiled.

Meanwhile, things were not looking good on Yossie's side...
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: sweeety on July 17, 2008, 08:30:27 AM
ok, I don't know about you guys but I like to write to have fun and escape school and life and other annoying stuff.. But if fanfic writing is gonna turn into some sick type of school work then I don't think I wanna do it anymore.

 I quit
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Sukoshi on July 17, 2008, 12:58:35 PM
well I'm not sure I agree with the boot camp thing either but the lovely thing about it is it's all voluntary...

I'd hate to see individual writing styles be molded into someone else's style in an attempt to fit the expectations of your instructors...however other than that, Yuuyami and loser's hearts are certainly in the right place for trying to help! 

Boot camp will certain scare off some people but I seriously hope some writers will sign up for at least a bare minimum course in say...spell checking.
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: lollipopgirl on July 17, 2008, 02:19:49 PM
^ Yeah I enjoy the fact its voluntary... I think it's really great that Yuuyami and Loser are offering this to people who really want the help and already from the people saying "i'm in" it seems like a successful!

You can still have refined writing without messing too much with the writer's personal style so it should be fine.

But anyone who is scared off (like me) come to the back of the class and help me plan evil things :twisted:

And Yuuyami/Loser, you guys are like the Soup Nazi of H!P fanfic world... now every time I read something I keep checking on the characterization and detail yada yada yada of it :P
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: sweeety on July 17, 2008, 04:10:03 PM
* sits in the back of the class*
"Fine... but I'm not participating"

*Helps lolipopgirl with her evil plans*
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Yuuyami on July 18, 2008, 05:03:16 AM
Jafeijai! This one's for you! xDDDD Sorry for being late, we were caught up in some... things... xDDD

[23:02] MoMo: well reading Jafeijai, it doesn't look too bad

[23:02] MoMo: it looks pretty cute and decent

[23:02] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Mm xD

[23:02] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: It's still just a prologue, but it's got potential xD

[23:03] MoMo: yea, I'll say~

[23:03] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: The only thing I'd recommend is to watch out for long paragraphs

[23:03] MoMo: yeah i see that, spread it out more.

[23:03] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Line breaks are your friends xD

[23:03] MoMo: but other than that it's pretty cute

[23:03] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Indeed xD

[23:03] MoMo: okay jafeijai is done lmao!

[23:04] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: LOL xD
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: cool_kickin_dude on July 18, 2008, 05:11:26 AM
hey Yuuyami..did you guys get to read my chapter I put up? I know it's horrible :lol:
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Loser87 on July 18, 2008, 05:20:58 AM
Okay here we go, for CKD!!

-------------------------------------------------------------

MoMo says:
okay, i just read CKD's..

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
All I see is dialogue xD

MoMo says:
1 - need a lot more detailed!
2 - its robotic in a way, not really feeling the hostility between Maki and Miki
3 - mmm the Miki seems out of her personality, seems a lot more sensitive...Usually, Miki is this badass who doesn't gives a shit about anyone but herself..so a little out of character...

MoMo says:
wow i had a lot of grammar errors in there >_>

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xDDDD

MoMo says:
maybe I shouldn't eat while I type lmao

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Of course you shouldn't xD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
But hey, burning off finger calories while eating! 

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Through typing

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Anywho xD

MoMo says:
lmao at the cost of my grammar XD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yes xDDD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Don't do that when you write the next chapter of your fic, honey xD

MoMo says:
lmao XD

MoMo says:
anyway

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
The dialogue is uncreative

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
"Said" and "Asked" is all I see

MoMo says:
yeah, there's no...real setting

MoMo says:
so I can't visualize what's really happening

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
No narrowing of the eyes or glare to show off that hostility o_o

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
None at all D:

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I see the words, but I need pictures

MoMo says:
and things seem to happen abruptly

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
so he needs to describe everything

MoMo says:
yeah

MoMo says:
description is really important here

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
"Don't interrupt me!" Miki's voice raised to anger as she fixed her patented death-glare upon Maki. "You are not going to hurt Yossie, you understand?"

MoMo says:
grammar check

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
It would have helped if the entire dialogue was like that too

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Not just "words words words."

MoMo says:
yeah

MoMo says:
I also kind of have an issue with the grammar, it ruins the flow

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
It needs to be "words words words," she glared at the other with hatred. or something

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mmhmm

MoMo says:
"If anybody's hurt her, it's you," Maki said.

MoMo says:
it'd be better and it'd make more sense if it said "If anybody is going to hurt her, it'd be you"

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
And instead of "Maki said," it should really show her hostility

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
So she should be saying that with a low growl or something

MoMo says:
or a glare, some sort of action to show her hostility, yeah i agree

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mmhmm

MoMo says:
okay, yuuchan what's the final verdict on this?

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
My verdict is basically

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
CKD-kun, you really need to give us a motion picture with this.

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
You gave us a script

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
But there's no picture to accompany it

MoMo says:
yuppers, I totally agree, I just gotta add, Just run through a grammar check before posting a new chapter so that's our advice

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Before you post this, I have another lame pun to make! D<

MoMo says:
more detail, grammar check, create us a motion picture and you should be fine

MoMo says:
>_>

MoMo says:
what lame pun...

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
-Ooki na Ai de Motenashite plays in the background-

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
-does the dance- OH YEAH OH YEAH

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Okay, I'm done xD

MoMo says:
...........-bricks-

MoMo says:
<_<

MoMo says:
god you are so......LAME!

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
(    ¯v¯)

MoMo says:
......-bricks- don't be proud of it >_>

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Q( ¯v¯    Q) Bring it.

MoMo says:
>_>...I'm posting...
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Yuuyami on July 18, 2008, 05:57:20 AM
>_>

<_<






A Special Treat?
(http://www.imgur.com/files/080717/4K---Fan-service.jpg)


....<3
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: lollipopgirl on July 18, 2008, 06:06:19 AM
XD I can feel the love!
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: JFC on July 18, 2008, 06:18:28 AM
FANSERVICE! :rockon:


Question though...who did the licking and who did the bricking? :D
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: moo on July 18, 2008, 07:28:42 AM
Im quiting lurking if theres a lot of fanservice XD...lol JK Nice drawing by the way  :lol:
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Aioros on July 18, 2008, 11:00:14 AM
Question though...who did the licking and who did the bricking? :D

licking = Yuu, bricking = Loser87
:mon lurk:/me exits classroom and gets back to holding pails in the corridor

Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: jafeijai on July 18, 2008, 11:16:14 AM
Jafeijai! This one's for you! xDDDD Sorry for being late, we were caught up in some... things... xDDD

[convo...]
Alright I'll keep that in mind whenever I find the time to keep going with this. ^.^;; Thanks a lot! At least I know I'm in the right direction =P Maybe I ought to post up the finished product some time...o.O

And that fanservice is quite amusing XD
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: AmberSan on July 18, 2008, 11:30:50 AM
LOL fanserviece ... me likes  :drool:
anyway... here's something i wrote.. well.. not entirely contented with it.. but here :
http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=16600.0
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: slasha on July 19, 2008, 12:02:02 AM
Thanks for the review of mine guys.When I reread it, I found stuff that even I didn't like.It's much better looking now in my opinion.

And thanks for the fanservice.That made my day.

PS I'm a boy just so you know.
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: strawb3rrykream on July 19, 2008, 03:47:14 AM
OOOOOO!!!! I wanna join! XD
I don't have anything new right now but if you could read some stuff in my thread.... :D
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: poets on July 19, 2008, 11:23:17 PM
*died laughing*
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: strawb3rrykream on July 20, 2008, 01:18:40 AM
^
Excuse me? :lol:
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: poets on July 20, 2008, 01:44:49 AM
^
Excuse me? :lol:

*comes back to life*

Oh snap, sorry! I should've specified what I was laughing at. It was the comic that made me die laughing, gomen  :mon sweat:
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: strawb3rrykream on July 20, 2008, 04:23:28 AM
I get it.. :lol: Sorry, I was just like :?
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Yuuyami on July 27, 2008, 04:16:37 AM
ICHIGO-CHI~YAAAAAAAAAN~! (Strawb3rryKream that is o-o... )

We did some of your fluff xD Since my Loser-chan doesn't read pervy stuff.

Oh and Amber-san? Can you send that story over the PM to me? It's only going to be me reviewing since my Loser-chan doesn't read the super pervy stuff either xDDDD.






Anywho~ Onto le review~!

I was totally bored so I color coded this one xDDD




Yuuchan is lovely purple
And her Loser-chan is badass green


[21:34] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Review SUTAATO o-o

[21:34] MoMo: better days, it's good

[21:35] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: xD The only thing that bothers me is while she's following the correct story format, it's not exactly ideal for a forum xD

[21:35] MoMo: I don't have much of a thing against it, ichigo-chan did pretty good, describing things, feelings, painting a picture

[21:35] MoMo: its just...

[21:35] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: xD?

[21:35] MoMo: extremely short

[21:35] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Yeah

[21:35] MoMo: like a sudden thought in your head that passes by and disappears

[21:36] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: She's potentially a great writer, she just needs to write more, haha xDD

[21:36] MoMo: that's all really

[21:36] MoMo: I bet if anything, if she really wanted to, she could make one great epic story

[21:36] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Mmhmm, she's got the capabilities for it

[21:37] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: You should read that other link I sent you xD

[21:37] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: It's more in tuned to what she writes most of the time

[21:37] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Reassurance

[21:40] MoMo: reassurance?

[21:40] MoMo: I skimmed it

[21:40] MoMo: it was really cute

[21:40] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: xDDD

[21:40] MoMo: kamei/tanaka lurve~

[21:40] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: It is

[21:40] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: <3333

[21:41] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Now in regards to structure... xDDD...

[21:41] MoMo: I rarely see some eri/reina loving now a days =T

[21:41] MoMo: so props to her

[21:41] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Yosh xD

[21:41] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: You know what's also rare?

[21:41] MoMo: goto/reina?

[21:42] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Nope

[21:42] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: You as a seme ;x

[21:42] MoMo: ......................................

[21:42] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: xD Anywho~

[21:42] MoMo: -punches your face- D<

[21:42] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: @-@

[21:42] MoMo: asshat

[21:42] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Ah lav yew ~ <3333

[21:43] MoMo: -bricks yooo- >_>

[21:43] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: -bloodspurt- But yes, what bothered me was that she had some basic sentences like "She was sweating" xDDD

[21:43] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: It got better as the story went through though.

[21:43] MoMo: yeah, they're really short sentences

[21:43] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: xDD And she's telling, not showing

[21:44] MoMo: a little more use on these babies --> ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

[21:44] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: If she shows instead of tell, then I feel like the story could be longer too xD

[21:44] MoMo: yea

[21:44] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: or mix both, I dunno xD

[21:44] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: It's good to see something short and simple, just not all the time :3

[21:44] MoMo: but other than that her stories are just pretty gosh darn cute

[21:44] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: xD You haven't read her more perverted ones

[21:45] MoMo: and i won't lol

[21:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Roffle xD

[21:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: I have read them so I'll just state my verdict here and now xDDD

[21:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Ichigo-chaaaan?

[21:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: your

[21:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: stories

[21:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: are

[21:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: too

[21:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: damn

[21:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: short

[21:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: xDDDDDD

[21:45] MoMo: LMAO

[21:46] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Make them more ongoing~

[21:46] MoMo: lol

[21:46] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Do whatever it takes to make it longer~ details, more sentences, more character thoughts, anything~

[21:46] MoMo: xD

[21:46] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: It makes me D: when I see that an entire one-shot can fit within my monitor xDDDD

[21:47] MoMo: XDXDXD LMAO

[21:47] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: So yes, you've got a LOT of potential, you just need to use it moar, that's all :3

[21:48] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Anything from you, my Loser-chan? <33

[21:48] MoMo: lol, props to ya'

[21:48] MoMo: you post yuu-chan >_>
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: strawb3rrykream on July 27, 2008, 04:51:34 AM
Thanks, you guys! So I need to work on length and showing, not telling. I think I can manage that! Oi, I feel like I'm in 9th grade English class again. :lol:
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Yuuyami on July 27, 2008, 05:11:50 AM
....

...

...

...

>_>






Boredom
(http://www.imgur.com/files/080726/4K---boredom.gif)






xDDDD See what we become when there's nothing to do?
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: poets on July 27, 2008, 05:25:15 AM
Handcuffs  :on lol: :on lol: :on lol: :on lol: :on lol: :on lol:

*gives motorcycle helmet to Yuu* Here... wear this... i'm worried you'll get permanent brain damage from all the bricking <O_O>
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: strawb3rrykream on July 27, 2008, 05:28:26 AM
Question: If I'm doing the prompts, do I post them here or PM them?
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Yuuyami on July 27, 2008, 05:33:33 AM
xDDD It's your choice, dear.

Post them here or PM or in your one-shot thread, we'll read'em whereever xDDD
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: moo on July 27, 2008, 05:42:09 AM
 :lol: I was wondering when was this thread gonna be updated XD

Lol Yuuyami's 4komas are always the best  :w00t:

Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: strawb3rrykream on July 27, 2008, 07:50:31 AM
Hopefully, this is good. I've been working on it for a few hours! :lol:
And btw, Yuuyami-san, I love your Ai-chan ava! :inlove:

Part 1:
    I’m interested in writing about Fujimoto Miki. She is currently a soloist in Hello Project. She was born on February 26, 1985 in Takikawa, Hokkaido, Japan. She auditioned for the 4th generation of Morning Musume in 2000 but didn’t make it. In addition to H!P, she also auditioned for Avex. In 2001, she was contacted to become a solo artist for H!P. She worked as a receptionist and debuted in 2002. Her first single, Aenai Nagai Nichiyoubi, sold fairly well but not as well as her third, Romantic Ukare Mode. Miki performed as a soloist on Kouhaku Uta Gassen 2002, proving that she had definitely made it in the industry.
    But Tsunku, producer of H!P, surprised everyone by announcing that she would be joining Morning Musume, along with the winners of the 6th generation audition. In 2003, she and Konno Asami, a 5th generation member, were placed temporarily in Country Musume. They released three singles.
    Miki joined the H!P futsal team, Gatas Brilhantes HP in 2004. She became subleader of Morning Musume in April 2005, with Yoshizawa Hitomi as leader. She and best friend, Matsuura Aya formed GAM in 2006. They were quite popular and released three singles, one album and had a concert tour.
     After Yoshizawa Hitomi’s graduation, Miki became leader and Takahashi Ai became subleader. This arrangement, however, lasted just 25 days. On May 25, 2007, FRIDAY magazine revealed that Miki had been dating Shouji Tomoharu, a comedian. The photos depicted the pair going to a sauna, at a convenience store and entering his apartment. It also appeared that Miki had spent 3 consecutive days at his home. To make things worse, she admitted that all of it was true on a radio show soon after, destroying UP FRONT’s cover. She resigned from the group on June 1, 2007.
     After the scandal, she went on a sort of “hiatus”, not appearing at the H!P 2007 Summer or 2008 Winter concerts. Miki came back into activity in February 2008, with announcements of a new solo single. She released Okitegami, a more traditional-style song on April 23, 2008.
     Beside becoming active in the music industry again, Miki started her career in theater. Her first stage play, entitled HAKANA, told the story of a courtesan’s life. She played the starring role of Hakana. She will play Rizzo in Grease in October 2008.
     I want to write about Miki because she seems like a person with many layers. She seems like someone who uses a façade to cover up parts of her personality. I think she is a tough girl who won’t let anyone get close or see her cry. Yet another part of her is lonely and longs for someone. She doesn’t want people to think of her as a girlie girl but inside, she can be.
     Fujimoto Miki has a lot of little quirks. For one, she’s extremely blunt. She doesn’t hesitate to tell people the truth, nice or not so nice. She has a quick wit and tends to tease friends and co-workers. She is the youngest child in her family, so she’s not too good at dealing with younger people. But Miki has said that she wishes to get married and have 3 kids someday, while continuing her career.
.................................

Part 2: Romance at it’s Best

     “I can’t believe it’s been a year already”, Fujimoto Miki commented, speaking to the girl in the kitchen. She had never stayed in a relationship this long before, so she really couldn’t believe it. “I know, huh?”, Takahashi Ai replied, the adorable grin evident in her tone. She was preparing dinner for them, because Miki wasn’t allowed to cook. Just thinking of the last incident sent shivers down the leader’s spine. “Ok, it’s done!”, she cheered, carrying the platter of meat into the dining area. “Damn, that looks good!”, Miki shouted, springing up from her seat. The large plate was piled with beef, cooked to perfection. Ai went back into the kitchen and returned with rice and vegetables.
     She had just set down the dishes when something heavy attacked her from the back. “AHH!”, her manly scream echoed. “Do you have to do that?”, Miki groaned, “It’s such a mood-killer” But the older girl continued to hug Ai from behind. “Thank you”, she whispered, planting a soft kiss on the younger’s neck before sitting down to eat. Ai blushed lightly, even though a year passed.
     “Oishi~”, the soloist squealed, as she took a bite of the tasty-looking meat. The 21-year old simply smiled, eating her own portion. But nearly choked because something was touching her feet. At first, a light brush but then it increased to rubbing over her slipper. She looked over at Miki but the woman was looking down at her food, seemingly engrossed. Ai scooted her chair back a bit and peered under the wooden tabletop. There, her feet sat with Miki’s slipper absentmindedly moving over them. “Miki…”, she said, “What are you doing?” “Hmm?”, Miki asked, slowly looking up before grinning deviously.
     The former leader decided to do the dishes, carefully easing them out of her protesting girlfriend’s tiny hands. “I’ll take care of it”, she reassured, relishing the feeling of soft skin as she ran her hand up and down Ai’s forearm. The younger, being the “wife” in this relationship tried to stop her but Miki was already in the kitchen. She sighed and made her way to the couch, plopping down dejectedly. She loved it when Miki helped out but couldn’t help but feel like her role was sort of….disappearing. Her little arms stretched over her head, a yawn escaping her ruby lips. She really really hoped a certain someone wasn’t feeling too…..frisky tonight.
     “Happy anniversary to us!”, Miki’s sing-songy voice cut the silence. She walked into the room, holding a pink cupcake with a candle sticking out of it on a little plate. Ai just looked at her, mouth open in shock. “Happy anniversary to the hottest couple in the world~”, the elder added, setting the little cake on the coffee table and pulling the dumbfounded girl into a gentle embrace. Ai could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. Miki could be so romantic when she felt like it. “You’re crying, aren’t you?”, the aforementioned girl stated, pushing Ai up and looking at her sweet face, “But you haven’t blown out the candle yet.”
     The younger sat up and leaned forward. In her mind, she wished that she and Miki could have more anniversaries, just like this. Pursing her lips, she blew the candle out. Miki clapped enthusiastically and grabbed the trim waist. Ai pressed into her body with a soft thump, leaned back and craned her neck to face the other.

“Thank you, sweetie”, she murmured, placing a smooch on the corner of Miki’s lips.

“Anything and everything for you, my Ai”, the soloist replied, stroking the silky cheek facing her.
.............................

Jeez, everything seems longer on Word. :sweatdrop: XD
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Yuuyami on July 27, 2008, 02:49:05 PM
Ohhh... xD....

The first prompt, you kinda strayed far from what we wanted.... xD...

We don't really want her history persay, we wanted her personality and how her mind works. That's what we meant when we asked "list everything you know about the person" xD...

'Cause the purpose of the first prompt was so you can have a better understanding about that character and how to write her in the second prompt, we were hoping you'd utilized some things you said about her in the first prompt in the second xD, haha.

I'd review your story, but I think my Loser-chan would punish me for doing it alone (Though the idea of her punishing me is kinda... <3333 ) so I'll just wait til she gets online before your story gets commentary'd by us xDDDD
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: strawb3rrykream on July 27, 2008, 05:02:59 PM
Shit. XD Sorry, I think I take some things fairly literally. Ugh. Ok, well, perhaps you should ignore it then? :D But then the story..... :doh:
*moans and bangs head on wall*

edit: This has totally been bothering me the whole day! :lol: I shouldn't have done this..... :depressed: :err:
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Yuuyami on August 07, 2008, 05:47:25 AM
o-o

>_>

<_<

The pictures used were ones already lying dormant in our computers xD -too lazy to take new pictures-


Even more boredom, but look! We're beautiful! O_o
(http://www.imgur.com/files/080806/6K---more-boredom.jpg)




xDD Aren't we adorable?
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: strawb3rrykream on August 07, 2008, 06:11:01 AM
Wow, Yuuyami-san, you're really pretty!!!
And Loser-san is so cute!!!
I want 4koma!!!! :lol:
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: tru_harmony on August 07, 2008, 06:15:16 AM
Yuuyami-san Loser-san, are you both single? J/K!

There's typhoon in my head...

I might be needy of your assistance... hmm...
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: sweeety on September 04, 2008, 01:47:56 PM
"ok"
Sweeety and lolipopgirl (who knows nothing about this so do not punish her) have a break from their plotting. In their little break, sweeety, who has been way in the back of the room since the beginning (but has simply forgotten all about this thread for like a few months now) slowly stretches her arms and yawns lightly.

 Sweeety gets up and starts heading towards the door.
 Yuuyami sensei: Where are you going? -_-
 Sweeety: Lil girls room ;)
 Yuuyami sensei: Wait.... *scribbles something on paper* here's the toilet pass *hands paper to sweeety*

 Looking down at the note as she made her way to the bathroom, instead of finding a signature on some printed paper, Sweeety was met with a note saying "Call me...anytime." accompanied by a phone number and a few lovehearts.

 Sweeety scrunches up the note and throws it in her pocket. It was just another day. She walked up to the toilet door and after looking around took a quick left and half ran out the school doors.

 Smiling she let the sun caress her face as she smellt the cool summer breeze that carried the scent of the native flowers. She skipped around the side of the school untill she reached a room emitting the familiar sound of her teachers' yelling "LOLI SPIT THAT GUM OUT!" Snickering she crouched low and grabbed the stuff in her pocket... all she had to do now was wait for the signal.....

 "Cuckoo, cuckooo!~" She called and after about a minute, her cry was answered with the phrase "Boy those birds are flying low today!"

 Upon hearing the codewords Sweeety pounced, throwing the product in. The bomb landed silently right under the teachers' desk, unnoticed by most including the teacher. She now had about 185 seconds to get back before the explosion so her name would stay intact.

 Performing an epert roll she passed under the window and continued her way to the back of the school. She ran around the back all the way to the door but when she got there it was locked! Panicking now, she pulled her sunglasses off and looked around. Seeing her chance she went for it, diving headfirst through the open window.

 Landing with a roll, she quickly picked herself up and ran as fast as she could, making her way home. But she wasn't in the clear yet! As she turned a corner she clearly saw the outline of the school janitor pikapikapika who was backing out of the closet and entering the corridor! jumping up as high as she could, Sweeety reached the beams supporting the vents. Grabbing them tight she flatened her body against it.

 Pikapikapika rolled his trolley past her, limping ever so slightly from the knee injury that kept him from becoming a proffesional badminton player and destroying his life. He walked over to the canteen where that fresh pile of puke was waiting for him as the sweat that had started forming on Sweeety's brow fell to the floor, making a deafening splash in her ears. Lucky for Sweeety though he was busy listening to "Taco flavoured kisses" on his mp3 player and heard nothing.

 After having passed her and turning a corridor Sweeety looked at her clock. She had about 30 seconds left before the bomb exploded. Running as fast as she could she walked into another dillema.....Pull the most epic prank of all time or go home with what she's already got? Well.... let's just say that Sweeety is never happy...never satisfied..... that might help you understand what happens next.....

 Knocking softly on the door, she walked in when the teacher permitted her entrance. She slowly made her way back to her seat, feeling the teachers eyes burning a hole in her back. She sat down and opened her book, ignoring the inquisitive gaze directed her way from one lolipopgirl as she started working on the exercises in her textbook. Out of the corner of her eye she looked at her wristwatch and found out that the bomb should've gone off about three seconds prior to that moment.....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Chaos ensued at the school as staff and students ran around in a frenzy. People who fell didn't get back up as the flurry of maddened footsteps dominated their skin. Sweeety took lolipopgirl by the hand and dragged her to their hangout on the roof. Smirking they watched as their plan came into action.

 The teacher evacuated the room as soon as the smell of the fartbomb reached her nostrils. She took care to avoid a rush or any injuries and they all managed to come out of there allright. That's all and good and lolipop's plan was done but that's when Sweeety's new idea comes into play.

 You see, in the hurry to get out, the teachers forgot their coffee mugs in class. Teachers cannot function without coffee; that's a well known fact. So after calling all students to the hall for a brief assembly they snuck off and made themselves coffee. Little did they know Sweeety had infused something 'extra' to their cofees.

 Two minutes later the teachers were racing to the toilets, pushing over anything and everything that got in their way. The plan worked well but here's when stage three came into place.

 The first few kids to make it to the hall are the ones that actually saw it. After that the rest of the students followed suite. If they weren't running to get out they were running to see what had happened and if they weren't running to the hall to see what was the deal they were running to get out. Before long the whole school was in a violent frenzy as students franticly tried to escape and teachers raced from one toilet to the other, seeking relief.

 After putting the fake snakes in the hall, Sweeety had just enough time to sneak the laxatives into the cofee. She then ran all the way to the room, stopping only for a few seconds to compose herself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Sweeety - after getting lolipopgirl out safely - walked back into the school. She hummed a tune from a movie as she walked to the hall. She picked up the fake snakes -which looked oh so real- and put them in her pockets. She then skipped back outside, while humming the same old tune.....

 Inside her pocket was the number of the beast...
 she might call someday.
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: maverickpanda on September 04, 2008, 03:41:06 PM
Is it to late to enlist in the bootcamp?

I want to improve my writing for the greater good of the forum.
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: lollipopgirl on September 04, 2008, 06:49:01 PM
*backs away a little from sweeety's rant*
Seriously guys, I had nothing to do with that and I'm just as scared and freaked out as the rest of you :lol: *nervous laugh*
Wait a minute sweeety, did you just call Yuuyami a beast? HELL NO! :mon wtf:
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Yuuyami on September 04, 2008, 09:29:59 PM
-looks at Sweeety- o_____O'

I'm a beast huh? xD

As long as I'm sexy, I don't mind being called that xDDDDD -blatant narcissist-

Anywho.... o-o;

Anyone could join the bootcamp at any time! <333333

Just send us a piece of work whether it be a chapter (or for those who want a beta for the next chappie of their story which has yet to be released to the public, feel free to send it in PM or something xDDDD) or a one-shot of sorts, even your original stories, we'll do it!

I'm not sure about Loser-chan since she's got college now, but I'm still in High School (though a Senior, so I'll have hectic times when it calls for it) AND I don't even work (yet) so I have A LOT of time on my hands. Therefore, any work you send is most likely going to be returned to you (edited and commented on) within the next ten minutes unless you also want my Loser-chan to make a comment, which will mean that the edit will be sent later xDDDD.

But yes, everyone is free to join in and send in their stories for a lovely edit xDDDD.

Dear Estrea also volunteered to help out from time to time, so if you really want a hardcore critique, I might ask her to help as well xDDDDD.

Send them in~! <3333
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: maverickpanda on September 04, 2008, 10:10:40 PM
okay I sent you my first fic, I hope that through bootcamp my writing can be refined to better serve the will of Ishiyoshi
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Loser87 on September 05, 2008, 01:32:16 AM
wow, the boot camp is sorta' back haha, i thought it died XD

I'm still around yuu-chan just....not around haha;;

Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: DJ Maimai on September 05, 2008, 03:02:42 AM
I feel late for some reason.
 :sweatdrop:

Ah well, would you mind critiquing mine for me?

The rundown is; It's a Buono! cross Harry Potter fanfic -I'm such a dork- and Miya, Momo and Airi have witnessed a death eater attack and are just waking up after having their memories modified by Mad Eye, Tonks and Hagrid.
XDDD
The fic's called Love's Spell (just for now though, until I come up with something better to call it)

3:30 pm, Grand Pacific Le Daiba Hotel, Tokyo, Japan.


Miyabi stretched and yawned. Rolling over in bed… wait, bed? She sat up quickly. She didn’t remember going to bed… or coming back to the hotel for that matter. Weird. The last thing she remembered was leaving the hotel with Airi and Momoko to get some food at the cities newest restaurant. She looked over and at Airi and Momoko asleep in their own beds. The three had opted to share a deluxe triple room on the 6th floor of the swanky Grand Pacific Le Daiba Hotel in Tokyo.
   
Miyabi got up slowly, she was even in her pajamas. She was sure she would have remembered putting those on, even weirder was that her hair had been put into the French braid she usually slept in to keep it from tangling. She decided to shrug this off and wake up the other two girls. Miyabi walked over to Momo and then prodded her. ‘Wake up Momo-Chan; we have to get ready for supper.” She said. Momo rolled over, so that her back was to Miyabi, muttering something. Miyabi sighed and grabbed Momo’s pillow, pulling it out from under the girls head. “Get up.” She said, hitting her lightly with the pillow before throwing it onto the nearest chair.

The commotion had woken Airi, who was now sitting up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “What time is it?” She groaned.

“Around 3:30”  Miyabi replied, looking at the alarm clock on her bedside table. “We’re going to have to have an early supper if we want to eat before the concert.”

“God I must have been sleeping really deeply, I don’t even remember going to bed.” Airi commented. Miyabi decided to keep it to herself that she had experienced the same thing. There was no point in worrying the other girls. They were all just tired from touring and doing concerts every night, it wasn’t surprising that they would have been so exhausted after they got back from whatever they had been doing that they had just went to bed and not remembered it… right? While Miyabi was trying to explain away the afternoon’s events Momo had finally woken up, or rather, fallen off the bed. In any case, she was now awake. The trio quickly got dressed and ran down to one of the hotels restaurants, Oshima for supper.



3:30pm, Grand Pacific Le Daiba Hotel, Tokyo Japan.


A group of dark figures congregated around the television in a superior single room of the Grand Pacific Le Daiba Hotel, their eyes glued to the live news broadcast that was now airing. “20 people were killed today in an event police can only call ‘baffling’. All twenty have been found dead in the newly opened restaurant Sun Sushi here on Aoyama Street, Police have not disclosed the details but an insider informs us that all twenty seem to have died of natural causes, however unlikley the insider states that there is no evidence of fowl play.”

The narration was accompanied by a view of the scene, free of bodies of course, but frightening none the less.

“Hey Lucious,” Goyle turned to the blond haired man sitting next to him. ‘Weren’t there three people sitting at that table when we came in?”  Goyle said, pointing to a table in the right hand corner of the restaurant on t.v.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure there were three pretty girls sitting there. Actually, I know there were, I remember one had red-ish hair and I thought it looked nice.” Crabbe chimed in, obviously not realizing how odd the statement must have sounded.

“Get to the point quickly you two.” Lucious replied, usually he wouldn’t have listened to their chatter but today he was in a good mood, a good killing always did that for him.

“The point is that I didn’t see their bodies.” Crabbe said, the fact was quickly confirmed by the rest of the group; no one under the age of 19 had been killed.

This absolutely spoiled Lucious’s mood. Those girls, if they were still alive, might now be privy to a number of valuable secrets. Secrets the Dark Lord would not be pleased to have disclosed to the public.

“Find them.” Came a female voice. She had been sitting in the shadows, not bothering with silly muggle newscasts. “And when you do, I expect you to bring them to me. We must find out exactly how much they have repeated before we kill them.”

“Yes Bellatrix.” Murmured the death eaters, all except for Lucious. He was too busy rolling his eyes at her silly notions of superiority to answer. There was an obvious reason the two had been given joint responsibility for this mission. Bellatrix was too impulsive to make wise decisions. But, he could not argue with her logic and so did not object to her plan. They would get the girls, find out what they knew, and then –his favorite part- kill them.

- - - - - -

I posted the second chapter because it's the shortest and the best (except maybe for the one I'm writing now.)
:3

Thanks in advance if you read it!
:usagiii:
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: maverickpanda on October 01, 2008, 11:10:11 PM
Hello everyone. I figure I would bump this thread, because I have come to the realization that this whole fanfic writing thing was not just a random one time deal, so I was wondering if anyone could help me and beta my stories, or possible point me in the right direction to find one. I would appreciate any feedback on this subject because I wish to improve my wiiting so others could enjoy them.

Thank you in advance.
 :pandaaa:
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Yuuyami on October 01, 2008, 11:46:39 PM
Sure! I'll do it! XD Post the chapter here or PM it o_o (No emailing xD That's a bit ... xD )
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Yuuyami on October 16, 2008, 04:26:45 AM
xDDD Forgive the lateness! It took a while for my Loser-chan and my schedule to match up so we could do this together o_o;

PS. No, that's not my Loser-chan's actual display name xDDD Trillian has this lovely function where you can rename your friends so I took the liberty of excercising that feature.......  :heart:








[17:45] Super Uke XD: lol okay honesty dj maimai..it's just...I can't see H!P cross over with harry potter

[17:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Neither could I XD

[17:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: While it is an interesting combo... It just.... xD......

[17:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: H!P and HP are like, two separate gods

[17:45] Super Uke XD: like i can see H!P having magic and all that...but..

[17:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Of different cultures

[17:46] Super Uke XD: seeing harry potter interact with like Miki is just...woah

[17:46] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Miyabi meeting Mr. Potter? Noooo o-o;

[17:46] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Mmhmm o_o

[17:46] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Super extreme xD

[17:46] Super Uke XD: lol

[17:46] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: While it is an interesting thing, seeing two cultural gods meeting each other, but uh.... It's kind of an awkward meeting.... xD

[17:47] Super Uke XD: yeah

[17:47] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: ANYWHO, shall we beta the actual writing content, snookums? -clings- <3

[17:47] Super Uke XD: -bricksss-

[17:47] Super Uke XD: >_>

[17:47] Super Uke XD: mm kay

[17:48] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Ah yes, this must be the second or third chapter xD

[17:48] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: -skimmed the entire story once- o-o;

[17:48] Super Uke XD: -skimming-

[17:48] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Wow, subjective much? xD

[17:49] Super Uke XD: lol

[17:50] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Hey, hey, don't just skim the entire thing xD Do it one by one so we have a worthwhile beta D<

[17:51] Super Uke XD: lol sry hold on i'm on the phone

[17:51] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: xD... Kay

[17:55] Super Uke XD: sry LOL back now and ready to review lol

[17:55] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Woo~

[17:55] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: -clings- I've missed you, honey ;-; the bed so coooold without you

[17:56] Super Uke XD: -bricks- off crazy...anyway, reading the first paragraph...I don't know....it seemed just weird reading it.

[17:56] Super Uke XD: too many short sentences

[17:56] Super Uke XD: like, Miyabi stretched in bed. Rolling over in bed... it's like awkward.

[17:57] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Subjective xD

[17:57] Super Uke XD: Be better to enlongate some sentences like, "Miyabi stretched and yawned, rolling in the bed she lied on.."

[17:57] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: And obvious xD

[17:59] Super Uke XD: in honesty i can't really read this..it's one of those stroies I avoid to read after skimming the first couple of paragraph..I think it's mostly due to that whole H!P/HP cross over thing..

[17:59] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Yeah... xD

[17:59] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: I can see the effort put into this, but... xD

[18:00] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: It's just not interesting at all to me... xD

[18:00] Super Uke XD: but i don't know, like the setting can be used but..like any mention of the harry potter characters should be subtle like..'there was a great wizard once who saved us all, he was once called the boy who lived' or something like that

[18:01] Super Uke XD: the HP char. actually interacting with H!P..is hard to grasp and see in my head lol

[18:01] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Yes... xD

[18:01] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: But let's ignore that and just focus on the style xD

[18:02] Super Uke XD: well, the style is nice, looks like a lot of work has been put into it..just..not enough work like for one as mentioned several times, the story is subjective..

[18:03] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Adjectives and adverbs are your friends DJ~ XD

[18:03] Super Uke XD: I also don't really get the sense of any 'real' plot in there either..

[18:04] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: I swear, the subjective-ness messes up a lot of stuff... xD

[18:04] Super Uke XD: it really does

[18:04] Super Uke XD: lol

[18:04] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: I mean, in the previous chapter, I didn't even go all doki doki even though there was action scenes and "tension"

[18:04] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: You know what, this is like a script o_o

[18:05] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: "Hey Miya! Read these lines and do this and we're set :D Go!"

[18:05] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Like that xD

[18:05] Super Uke XD: yeah you're right its like a script o_o!

[18:05] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: It shows what they're saying

[18:05] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: What they're supposed to stage think

[18:05] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: what they should do

[18:05] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: and the general setting

[18:05] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: That's it xD

[18:06] Super Uke XD: scripts are a nice format...if you're making a movie but in fanfiction it's a little hard to read it and stay interested to see the next chapter

[18:06] Super Uke XD: since in fanfics its like you're writing your own little online book

[18:07] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Mmhmm

[18:07] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: The author/ess is ALWAYS the one with the most vivid imageries of how their story is going to be like

[18:07] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: The hard part is putting words down

[18:08] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: to match it

[18:08] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: You're trying to make your reader dive into your world with only the help of words and no images

[18:08] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: So you HAVE to be able to have a sense of your world in your words

[18:09] Super Uke XD: i think the script like format there is good to draft out how you want your story to go and when you start to revise it, you try to find words that'll make readers delve into your imagination and see what you see

[18:09] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: If you can't get your world out of the words you wrote, then keep trying until you do XD

[18:10] Super Uke XD: lol

[18:10] Super Uke XD: its a unique idea no doubt

[18:11] Super Uke XD: but the format of it doesn't help much for the reader to be interested and leave comments saying 'woah! i hope this isn't the end ' or blahblahblah

[18:12] Super Uke XD: i think, it's best to start this story over in a less script like format..and less subjectiveness in there...try to find words that convey your world, if at first you don't succeed..try, try again.

[18:12] Super Uke XD: or however that saying goes =w=

[18:13] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Yeah xD

[18:13] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: You want us readers to see your world? Let us see your world then xD

[18:13] Super Uke XD: ^ god you're so cheesy and lame >_>

[18:13] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Just not like what you are doing, it's a script of your world xD

[18:13] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Of course xD

[18:14] Super Uke XD: okay next story

[18:15] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Hold it xD

[18:15] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: No ending messages? xD

[18:15] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Wait, I was the one who gave those ending messages o_O

[18:15] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: ... You have a message for DJ? XD

[18:16] Super Uke XD: i did, I gave that saying

[18:16] Super Uke XD: if at first you don't succeed try try again.. o_O what that's not a good ending message?1

[18:16] Super Uke XD: !*

[18:17] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Oh, then uh... kay xD

[18:17] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: :D....

[18:17] Super Uke XD: idiot >_>

[18:17] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: -waves goodbye to audience- :D.......

[18:17] Super Uke XD: >_>






So there you go <3





Oh and on a random note, an anonymous writer sent their PM to me and not my Loser-chan as well, so she got upset about it... xDDDD

[18:18] Super Uke XD: DAMN YOU PEOPLE THERE ARE 2 PEOPLE IN THIS BOOTCAMP!! NOT JUST THIS...THIS....STOOPID ROLLING WEIRD-O!! -points at yuuuu- (haha i made a pun there)

[18:19] Super Uke XD: D:(

[18:19] Super Uke XD: D : < (phailed fface)

[18:19] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: LOL XDDDD

[18:20] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Too bad they're not going to see that part xD

[18:20] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: ... Actually, they will :D

[18:20] Super Uke XD: TTATT

[18:20] Super Uke XD: o_o

[18:20] Super Uke XD: -bricks- you're an asshat! D<

[18:20] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: Thank you xD

[18:21] Super Uke XD: -punches-

[18:21] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: <3333

[18:21] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );;: I love you~

[18:21] Super Uke XD: >_>


I named her that sn for a reason xDDDDDD
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Loser87 on October 16, 2008, 05:32:23 AM
^______________________________ YOU F*(&*(&$#(*!!!! WHORE!!! D< I'MA' GONNA' KILL YOU WHEN I SEE YOU ONLINE!! (if evarrrr lol) YARHGHHGHGHjfhkj..


I'm not a super uke >_> I'm not.

I can kick all of yer asses! D<!!

.....I hate you, Yuuchan...for making me spazz...

I haven't spazzed for a long time you stoopid ho! D<

-BRICKS- ...grahhhghh
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: Yuuyami on October 16, 2008, 09:36:28 PM
xDDD

My Loser-chan... Your ferocious-ness is like an adorable cute little fluff-ball baring its fangs at me xD

Well, to those who know you o_O;

xD I think you scared off a bunch of people, roffle.

Don't fret, y'all~! My Loser-chan isn't mean at all, really~! She's just mean to me only.  :heart: :heart: :heart:
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: maverickpanda on October 17, 2008, 02:43:14 AM
You guys are just so adorable :pandaaa:
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: kuro808 on May 09, 2012, 11:06:13 AM
BUMP!!!! :lol:

I know I PM'd Yuu-chan about this a while back but I guess it wouldn't hurt to have a peer review and I'll be the martyr for this purpose, feel free to take it on, you can PM or post it here if your please.

Here's the entry (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=22550.msg1015995#new)

Try not to sugar coat it at all, it is all for improvement reasoning!
Title: Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
Post by: kuro808 on January 11, 2013, 06:13:13 AM
BUMP!

Can you guys go after this?

http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=34805.msg1141465#msg1141465 (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=34805.msg1141465#msg1141465)