Lawyer Jokes

[THUNDERDUCK]

Excerpts from a book called Disorder in the American
> Courts: things that people actually said in court,
> word for word, taken down and now published by court
> reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
> these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> WITNESS: July 18th.
> ATTORNEY: What year?
> WITNESS: Every year.
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
> impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
> memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
> something you forgot?
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with
> you?
> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
> which.
> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
> to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
> involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
> dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
> next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ___________________________________
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old , how
> old is he?
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
> ________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
> taken?
> WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
> August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Uh....
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
> pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
> attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
> performed on dead people?
> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
> people.
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
> school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
> body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
> I was doing an autopsy on him!
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Huh?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
> did you check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
> alive when you began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
> jar.
> ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
> nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
> alive and practicing law.

[StreakInTheSky]

XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXD

I love the ones where the people actaully crack jokes back at the lawyers.

[shirenuファクトリー]

       

[Shani Andras]

hehe....  i have one

On a peaceful Sunday morning, in a forest there live a blind rabbit and a blind snake. One day, they both happened to cross the same road and bum into each other. They argued, suddenly they both realized their misfortunate and became friends. Later, they decided to let each other know how they looked like because they never had the chance to do so through the reflection of a water.

The snake suggested that he goes first so he curled around the rabbit's body and briefly described the rabbit's appearance.

"You had a small stumb of bushy tail, you're furry all over, you had long ears... you must be a rabbit

the rabbit was happy because he now knows that he's a rabbit. The snake without wasting time asked the rabbit to do the same and here is what happened.

"Erm.. you have a long and winded body, your body is cold, what's suprising is... your tongue is split in 2!... ermm... i know what you ARE! you are a lawyer!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one is a brief one.

A car was doing 90 on a freeway and suddenly a man appeared. The car accidentaly knocked that man down. Suprisingly, that man was not dead. The driver stopped the car immediately and went down to attend him. After knowing that he's not dead. He walked back to the car, change the gear to "R" and hit the accelerator, rolling him over twice before the driver drove off with satisfaction. Why?

Answer : That man was a LaWyEr!

[Loki!]

     


Lawyer jokes ROCK.