Sudden change in plans...
I'm so sorry.
Gomennasai. Gomennasai.
Well you seeeee...
What If wasn't going as well as I expected it to... I just had no idea what I was doing
So in the time I was away from JPH!P, I took some time to think about a new storyline and plot to straighten things out a bit. So therefore...
Trigger is now coming your way~ ...and I also found out that I'm better at writing stories in first-person rather than third.
Once again... I'm sorry.
But the thing is, I think I know what I'm doing now.
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Chapter 1:
I Am Kamei. Hear My Cry. Flipping through the pages of our old photo albums with pictures of my mother and myself as a baby, I seem to stress out about what I've grown to be -- what I've become. I took the time to think deeply about the past, and every passing minute just made my body feel empty. Heartless. I don't know if it's because I'm insecure about myself, or if I'm just depressed. I never knew the reason why. I thought I learned to grow out of these kind of situations, but apparently not. In this case, I'm getting stuck right in the middle again.
My parents divorced before I was even born. When hearing that story for the first time couldn't break my heart enough, I was told my father was an alcoholic. A careless, selfish man who had others in mind when already bonded with my mother who we all thought was "the one" for him. Or so he said.
If I knew what this man looked like, I would try to slap some sense into him, being the air-headed teenager I am. When anger took over my emotions, I used to yell at my mom, bringing him into the situation without thinking about what would happen.
"You and Dad divorced -- so what? I never knew what he was like. How do I know you're not lying? He could be the greatest man on the planet!" I used to say. My speechless mother would just stand there with tears forming in her eyes, noticeably hurt, but allowing me to continue pouring out my inner feelings.
"You know what? I'm gonna leave! I'm gonna go find Dad! You can't stop me!" Being here in my own home and in my own room is what obviously proves that wrong.
Not only is that a problem in my life -- I have social anxiety. Emotional discomfort, fear, apprehension, or worry. That doesn't help me build strength at all. It just weakens my ability to speak my mind to those who don't understand. The only thing that I find positive about myself is that I wish for everyone to be treated equally. It's what everyone wishes for, but it's not gonna happen. I mean, come on. With almost seven billion people in the world, half of them are opposite of what we all dream of being.
Kamei Yasuko. When I was younger, I always wondered why she secretly cried by herself in her room, why she refused to make eye contact with me for a week, why she didn't cook as much as she used to, why she didn't do this and that. She's my mother. How is a five year old supposed to take care of her own mother? It's almost like we switched roles. That was quite an experience for me. She was just scared to lose me like Dad. She wanted to be the mother that was loved. What she doesn't clearly get is that she IS. By me. The fact that she cares so much is enough to make me love her to death. She's been there for me all along.
She once said that telling me about the divorce at such a young age was a mistake. I asked why.
"You were young, Eri. You were at your growing stage -- when you were supposed to be be free and happy like all of the other kids," she said. She would pause and gently wipe her tears away with her fingertips.
"I believe you were traumatized, dear. Emotionally disturbed by the fact that you have a father that chose his own life to take care of than yours." Hearing this made my insides feel heavy. I was sinking.
I still remember that feeling to this very day. I'm still not even over it. I hate it.
We apparently
did have pictures of my father, but my family threw them all out before my eyes were open and I walked the grounds as earth's newest human being.
I miss the way things used to be. The girl I used to be.
The girl that seemed strong - crumbled.
The girl that smiled all the time - cried.
The girl that never stopped trying - finally gave up.
I am Kamei. Hear my cry.
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P.S. this IS a TanaKame fic...
and I don't know who Yasuko is. I just made her the mother of Eri.