Chapter 10 of 10
Once we reach the room, I turn on the television set and pretend to become immersed in some variety show. I hear Aya go into the bathroom and start running a bath, and I'm suddenly filled with dread. While this is no different from our every day life when we get together, the fact that I'm so resolute about confessing my love makes me a whole lot more ill at ease.
"Bath time!" she cheers.
I hear the sounds of her taking off her clothes, and I keep my eyes glued to the TV screen. I know she's inviting me to go in there with her, but I just can't. My control is slipping. I've also seen something that makes my heart drop. On screen is the time. It's one minute past twelve.
I've missed my midnight deadline.
"You can go first," I call out in a preoccupied voice.
Before I know it, she has come up behind me and is dragging me towards the bathroom. I want to complain, but that'll look suspicious.
"Let's go," she insists.
We reach the bathroom, and I give up trying to be modest or in control of myself. I roll my eyes at her and strip down. I find myself calming down as I wash up then slip into the big tub of hot water. There's a lot of laughing and splashing, but we don't really talk about anything. Aya mumbles something about being tired, and with a sigh, she leans her head back and closes her eyes.
Unable to resist, I look at her. I stare at her.
What if I were to open my mouth right now and tell her that I like her more than a friend? More than yakiniku and animals and being an idol? More than anything? She'd probably be incredibly disgusted. Here we both are, naked as the day we were born. It's just not a good situation.
But it could be. It might get my point across. It might even turn out to be a good thing. Who knows...
Say it now before she opens her eyes.
But instead, I simply watch her, because looking at her makes me feel good. For a person that makes me get so worked up, she really does a good job of relaxing me at the same time. When her eyes are closed and she's resting, unaware of the world around her, she is able to reassure me that my life is a good one because no matter what has happened in it, I have been led to this point where I can be beside her and look at her.
I continue to gaze at her as I think these deep thoughts, and without warning, Aya opens her eyes. I'm staring directly at her face, and so our eyes meet and everything in me freezes. I swallow down the lump that pops up in my throat, and I look away.
"What?" she asks, her voice cracking.
I start to shake my head and am about to make some stupid excuse or joke, when I stop. This is my chance. Maybe it's past midnight, but we're still awake and alive.
"You just look so peaceful," I say softly.
What I really want to say is I just want to kiss you, but I have to start at a safe point.
"Do you like watching me sleep?" she teases me.
Something in her voice betrays another feeling. I don't think she believes me entirely. I'd better do something to earn her trust.
I nod my head to her question, which makes her blush. She lowers herself into the water a little.
"You do? When?" she asks, and my mind goes abuzz with thoughts.
This crossroad is going to be one of the hardest. What I say next will most certainly freak her out. But I have to say it because she's asked. I can't keep lying to her. Or covering up the truth. Same thing.
"Just... uh, sometimes when I can't sleep. Or... uh, when I wake up before you when we're sleeping over at each other's places," I mumble. "When I see you sleeping, it calms me down a bit if I watch you."
Aya nods.
"Mmhmm. I see. Interesting," she says in a voice devoid of emotion or understanding.
This sets me off. She looks like a scientist studying an amoeba. Why does she have to do that to me? Why is it that I'm starting to confess the feelings in my heart, and she nods at me like I'm some specimen in a laboratory experiment? Can't she be a little more sensitive to the things going on in my mind? Can't she see? She's supposed to be smart.
I hit the water angrily. Angry at her, angry at myself for being such a chicken and missing my deadline, and angry at the world for being full of complicated emotions that I can't explain or express.
"Don't give me that look," I growl.
"What look?" she asks innocently, frowning.
"That look," I repeat.
She knows what I'm talking about.
"The look where I've just said something weird and you try to pretend its normal. That condescending look."
This is it. I haven't scored any good points at this crossroad. I've creeped her out.
"Miki, I don't think you're weird..." she mumbles.
Great. So convincing, I think sarcastically. She could at least try to make up a better way of lying to me.
"Then why do you do that?" I demand.
A change comes over her eyes, and I realise I've angered her.
"I don't know. How am I supposed to reply to something like that? I don't exactly have a repertoire of stock phrases in my head," she snaps. "Don't blame me when you say abnormal things I have no answer for."
That settles it. She's disgusted. I don't know what she thinks I feel, but I can tell that I've crossed the line.
Goddamn her and her stupidity. Why do I have to fall for someone so inept at sensing other people's feelings? I know I don't show my feelings easily, but she's supposed to be my best friend. She's supposed to be able to read the things that other people can't see.
Fed up and unable to be in the same room as her, I stand up, grab a towel, and stalk out of the bathroom. I dry myself quickly and scramble into my clothes. I'm so angry that I breeze through all of the motions at light speed, and I'm starting to walk off to the door when I feel my bag has been snagged on something. I turn around to get rid of whatever is holding it back, and I come face-to-face with a towel-clad Aya. She's holding onto my bag and looking irritated.
"Where are you going?" she demands.
"I'll find some other place to stay," I mutter.
I don't know. I'll sleep in front of the station. I just can't be in this room with her.
She looks like she's about to spring forward and fight what I've said, but she suddenly deflates, and she looks down, letting go of my bag. I'm free to leave.
"Fine, just go," she murmurs.
Guilt washes through me. She's so tired, probably puzzled by me, and it's her birthday. I've treated her horribly. I hesitate and don't leave like I wanted to seconds before. I look up at her.
"I..."
"Do you always have to react like that when you don't like something? Is it possible to wait a few minutes and get an explanation for something you might be misinterpreting?" she asks before I can speak.
Not that I have anything good to say.
"I'm sorry," I whisper.
That's the only good thing I can think of to say to her. I'm sorry for so many things. She shrugs at my apology, and I wonder if it means there's nothing to be sorry about, or that she's not forgiving me.
"But I'm sorry for saying all that stuff in the first place. It was weird," I admit.
There's nothing I can say to take back what I said. I've said it, and there was no reason for me to lie to her before. All I can do now is apologise for its eeriness.
"No, it wasn't," she says. "Why do you think so?"
Why? Because everything I do will garner one of two reactions from you. Creeped out or happy. There's no way you could be happy about me staring at you while you sleep.
"Because it just is. I mean, come on. Staring at you while you sleep? Don't tell me that doesn't creep you out," I deadpan, turning it into a bit of a light statement with an injection of humour.
"Should it?" she asks. "It's you. Not some creep."
"Yeah, but..."
The truth is I don't want to argue her point. I want to agree and say that she's right. I'm definitely not some strange prowler that's followed her into her hotel room. I'm Miki, and staring at her is not meant to be creepy.
But I still don't understand her answer from before. I drop my bag and look her in the eye.
"What did you mean by your answer, then?"
Stock phrases and abnormal things that I say. Do I say a lot of abnormal things? Do I often make her uncomfortable?
"Just that... Well, it's a surprising thing to hear. I don't mind, Miki. It's nice and not weird to me at all..."
She trails off, or maybe it's just that I don't listen anymore. The way she speaks settles my heart. It tells me that there's something inside her, too, that wants to get out. Something she wants to say to me.
Just do it, do it, do it... I chant in my head, and so I take a deep breath and hug her carefully. She twitches, but then realises that it's just me. She hugs me back.
And then her towel starts to fall. She catches it before it completely unravels, but it's a bit embarrassing. I laugh at her, but I'm sure I look embarrassed, too. I kind of caused that.
"I didn't mean to get angry, but sometimes you can be really frustrating," I tell her.
I say it gently so that she knows I'm not picking a fight.
"...I know," she admits to me.
It makes me feel good to know that she can admit something like that to me. She's so sure of herself that sometimes it looks like she wouldn't be able to note her own shortcomings. But she knows she can frustrate me, and she admits it, so I know that she can see her weaknesses. That makes her stronger, and a stronger Aya is even more lovable.
"But you know better than to get all fiery when I say something questionable," she continues.
I sigh. I know that. My temper can flare up at untimely moments, and with her, sometimes I let it loose because she's like family to me. Just like I have no qualms about having screaming matches with my mom, I have no qualms about letting Aya know I'm pissed off at her.
"It's my nature," I say, and we both roll our eyes because I've used that excuse before.
We both smile at each other, and with that action, all is forgiven. We don't need to say "I'm sorry" anymore. Maybe we are kind of telepathic that way.
Then somehow, I start a tickling war. I push her, she pushes back, and then I jab my fingers into her ribs and push her down onto the bed, intent on making her scream out for mercy. I just want to touch her in a non-creepy, friendly way because I feel like it. I want to goof around and have fun because the past few minutes have been serious and uncomfortable. We need to forget about them. Laughter is the best medicine.
She shrieks and shrieks, and before long, I have a feeling that I'm going to ruin her vocal cords if I go any further, so I stop to let her catch her breath. She's crying from laughing so hard, and she wipes the tears away with a mixture of a grimace and a smile on her face.
I stay there on top of her, ready to launch into a second round of tickle torture, when I really take a look at her and see the situation I'm in. I look at her face and can't help but feel all of those lovely feelings kick in. I stare at her without reservation. I don't care if it creeps her out now. I'm going to have my say and way.
"Well... Anyway... Happy birthday," I say with a small, calm smile.
Something's rumbling under the surface of my skin.
Aya turns her head to the clock and then looks back at me, sticking her tongue out at me.
"It's already the 26th. It's not my birthday anymore," she informs me.
That's right. I've missed my midnight deadline. But that doesn't mean I can't still do this. I can.
I grin at my confidence.
"Okay. Happy start of the first full day you'll be nineteen years old," I say, making up a silly congratulatory sentence just to keep me there for a few extra seconds.
Thanks," she replies with a shy smile.
I look down at her and wonder how to start this off. I know I'm going to. I can feel it inside me. It's at the tip of my tongue.
All of a sudden, I find my head moving down quickly, and I kiss her quickly like I've seen people do in Hollywood movies with good friends, or even family members. It's always weirded me out a bit to see that, but now it seems like a good excuse here. If she asks, I'm just imitating all those people on TV. Not a smart answer, but a good excuse.
She looks back up at me and smiles. She looks utterly calm. It's like she knows I'm just being friendly. I turn a little more serious. I need her to change that opinion.
So I do it again. The exact same way, brief and soft. It can barely even be called a kiss.
We stare at each other, neither one of us smiling anymore. I can see a question in her eyes. She's asking me what this means. She's asking why I'm doing this.
She wants to know? I can't find the right words. They still won't come. I bend my head down, this time not just brushing my lips against hers, but actually giving the kiss a bit of substance, a bit of depth.
When I pull back, I can feel her heart pounding underneath me. I can see her trying to evaluate the situation. Now she knows exactly how I feel and exactly what I want to do. It's up to her. This is the final crossroad. She can either push me off and kick me out, or she can tell me that she likes what's happening. Either way, it's her call. I can't do anything but wait.
When she pulls me into her and continues what I've started, I lose it. I lose my control because finally, I'm getting what I want. I've asked her a question. This is her reply. After months of waiting, endless anxiety over her relationship with Tachibana, and fearing complete rejection, this is the result. This is my reward.
Perhaps because I'm getting this thing that I've waited so long for, I take it too far and scare her. I deem her towel to be in the way, so I kind of move it aside. She doesn't do anything to stop me, which is my excuse that I can keep going. And while I'm kissing the soft skin of her stomach, she suddenly blurts out, "Have you done this before??"
I come back to Earth, and I can see where I am and what I'm doing. I sit up quickly and look down at her, frowning. I know what she's asking.
"No," I mumble, embarrassed by what she's asking and upset that she has to ask. "I thought we had no secrets between us. I would've told you."
"Well, it seems like we kept this all one big secret," she says.
I can almost sense a nervous laugh in her tone.
"That's... that's different..." I mumble.
She puts her hands on my knees. Maybe to comfort me.
"I know," she says.
I want to say something, but I don't know what. I'm in shock.
"Miki-chan, it's ok," she says in an unconvincing voice. "It's all very weird to me, too."
I look down at her. She looks confused. I can't even tell if she's happy or not, such is the amount of uncertainty written on her face. This angle I'm seeing her from is new and different. She looks so... so exposed just lying there. So overpowered.
Oh god. Is that what I've done? Tricked her into a tickling match and forced myself on her without giving her a choice? Fooling her into thinking that she wants to do this with me by buying her off with an expensive birthday gift and then demanding this as payment?
What kind of monster have I become?
"God, what am I doing to you?" I ask aloud in disgust at myself and this whole mess as I jump off of her. "Oh my god..."
I hear her calling me back, but I just grab my bag and leave. I can't believe how wretchedly I've acted. I've lost control on my best friend. My best friend who has counted on me all this time to be a fine friend. My friend who has trusted me.
I head in the direction of the elevator, intent on going to sit out by the train station until it opens later in the morning. I'll get on that shinkansen and not look back. I'll go back to Tokyo and cut Aya out of my life. I'll delete her information from my phone, throw out my pictures of her, and send back anything of hers that's at my apartment.
I hear her follow me.
"Miki, wait!"
I ignore her.
"Why are you leaving? Stop."
Why does she have to make me say it?
"I'm sick, Aya. This isn't right. Just leave me alone," I growl back, my sights set on the corner.
Just as I'm about to round it and go to the elevator, she screams, "What the fuck is the matter with you?!"
I freeze in my spot. She sounds absolutely livid. And her language... I've never heard her yell at someone like that before. I can't do anything but stand still, afraid that the world will end if I keep walking and inspire any further wrath from her.
I hear her come right up behind me slowly, and I feel sick at the thought of the tongue-lashing I'm about to get.
"First you drop in unexpected with some mushy reason and a birthday gift, and you act as if it's the most important thing in the world, treating me like a princess. Then we go out and have a lovely night and get back and take a bath where you throw a fit, I win you back, we get all sexy on the bed," and at this point I grit my teeth and she walks in front of me, "and then you jump up and get mad and leave again. What the hell? Are you bipolar? Do you like me or hate me?"
I meet her eyes and stare back at her, stubbornly refusing to let her confuse me any longer. This causes her to sigh and throw her hands up in the air as if in defeat.
"I don't know what we're doing either, okay?" she admits. "But why can't you just go with the flow? Don't tell me you weren't having fun just now."
She can't really mean that. Not after what I did to her. I don't reply and keep my face the way it is, set in its hard expression.
"What is your problem, Fujimoto? Just tell me."
"My problem?" I growl angrily. "Is that I like you too much. And I have for a long time. Longer than you'd care to know. And it's all wrong because you don't really like me that way."
There. I've finally said the words, except it's definitely not how I planned to tell her. I have wanted the words to be caring and said softly. The words I have just spoken have been harsh and angry, and they are carried along a note of defeat.
"... How the hell do you know that? Have I even said anything to you about it yet?"
How can she think she wants me? Can't she tell that she's been tricked into it? I haven't meant to manipulate the situation. It's just unfolded this way.
"No, it's because I made you do those things just now. I set it up so it would happen."
The look on her face breaks my heart. She looks like she's going to throw up.
"What do you mean you set it up? What are you talking about?"
I glare back. I guess I'll have to spell it out for her.
"I'm pretty sure if Maki or Yossi had given you that gift and come all the way to see you and sweet talked you like that, you would've been flattered out of your pants, too."
I choose the first two names that come to my mind, but I really could have said anyone. Maybe I should have dropped Tachibana's name in there to remind her of him and how she fell for him so easily.
Instead of slapping me or doing anything violent like I'm afraid she might, she starts to laugh. My anger grows. How can she be laughing at a time like this? Why is she laughing at me when I've apologised and am clearly on my way out of her life?
"Ew," she says, and I have to agree. Ew. "You think I'd do that with those two? Or anybody else, for that matter?"
Caught unawares, I unclench my jaw and let a bit of softness back into my face. She wouldn't do that with anyone else? But does that mean with me... it's okay?
"Miki, I'll tell you one thing right now even though I'm still pretty confused about it all: I wouldn't let anyone - anyone- touch me like that. Nobody but you."
I must be hearing it all wrong. She's saying that she doesn't mind that I just jumped her? Threw myself upon her and didn't let her get up?
But why? Why me?
"Why?" she asks, voicing my question as though a mind reader. "I don't know. I guess I really like you. A lot."
So it was all in my head? I just imagined she was creeped out by my earlier actions? My god...
"But you're confused..." I say.
I feel dumb, but I have to find some sort of excuse for her feeling that way about me. It's just not possible for her to feel the same way for me as I do for her. It's too convenient. Too much of a happy ending.
"Well, of course," she replies. "You've been confusing me for a while, you know?"
I have? She's been the one confusing me for a while.
"Every time you do something that I like, I get these strange feelings, and I don't know how to deal with them. You make me feel things I don't feel when I'm around other people."
She does? Because... me too.
"I thought it was just because we knew each other very well, but... Obviously I was enjoying our foray into the unknown just now, so I guess it's a little more than just a friend thing, don't you think?"
It occurs to me that she has stolen my moment from me. All the speeches I've prepared and rehearsed have been rendered useless because she's gone and spilled all her thoughts in a much more elegant way than I ever could. I hollered angrily at her to tell her I liked her. She... she just spoke them as if reciting beautiful poetry.
I stay silent, and so does she. I don't know what to say anymore.
"Come on," she says to me after our moment is over. "We're waking the other guests."
She turns around and walks away.
This is her test for me. This is the crossroad that she's set up. She wants to know whether I'm going to follow or not.
Do I have a choice? This is Aya. There's no stopping to think and make a decision. There is only action. The right action.
I follow right behind her, and when she reaches for the handle to the door of her room, I quickly put my hand over it to stop her. We have to clear one thing up. I need to hear directly that she wants me here tonight despite our arguments and all the harsh words we've exchanged.
"Are you sure you want me to stay here tonight?" I ask in a serious voice.
I realise that by asking, I'm implying that I expect things to happen behind this door. Things that will have us going down that same path we were on just before I panicked and ran out. Things we won't be able to escape from in the future should we need or want to.
Aya reaches a hand up and traces a line with her finger from my chin, along my jaw, and to my forehead.
"Are you sure there'll be no more big secrets between us?" she asks me.
No more secrets? That's a promise I can handle. I nod and remove my hand from on top of hers, letting her open the door, after which we walk into the room silently.
I place my bag down in the corner and go and sit on the bed. She follows and sits beside me.
Now what? How do we get out of this awkward situation we've created? A promise to not keep secrets means nothing if we feel anxious about being in the same room together.
The solution to our problem comes with Aya's laughter. She starts to giggle, and I catch her laughing disease and start to giggle, too.
We are so ridiculous. The things that freeze us up are so trivial. I'm glad we can recognise that now.
I feel so much better after that release of laughter, and she looks a million times more relaxed. We lie back on the bed beside each other and study the ceiling.
"I would kill for some strawberry and mango pudding," Aya tells me.
"Mmm. Give me a piece of chocolate ice cream cake, and I'll be the happiest person in the world," I say, thinking of how nice it would be to bite into a slice of that.
"Or I could go for a caramel. You know that cheap kind at the supermarket? Red bean flavour."
I scrunch my nose up at that.
"Ew. I'll take a package of those chewy strawberry milk candies from Welcia. You can have the caramels to yourself."
"You only like those because they say 'Hokkaido' on the package in big letters," Aya teases me.
"No I don't," I protest. "You've tried them and you like them, too. They're delicious."
"Yeah, okay. I guess," Aya huffs playfully, giving in.
She rolls onto her stomach just then and puts her arm across my stomach, snuggling into me and making me revert back to my uneasy, awkward self. I'm not quite used to this yet. I can see her face, and I see her close her eyes, reminding me that she's just put on two concerts. I reach up to the little plastic panel above the head of the bed and turn the light off. We're not exactly dressed for sleep in our street clothes, but I'm too comfortable to care.
"You should get some sleep, Aya," I say soothingly. "You've been up since... what? Seven?"
I've been up since half past six, but my work today was far less straining than hers.
"Six," Aya corrects me, her voice muffled by my shoulder.
"Ouch," I say sympathetically.
Aya takes her head off my shoulder and looks up at me through the. The slightest bit of light comes through the curtains so that I can see her face. It takes on a mysterious air as her eyes shine intensely.
"But I'm okay," she claims happily. "I don't feel tired. I feel, er, energised..."
I imagine she blushes, but I can't see the colour of her face in this lighting. She quickly puts her face back on my shoulder, and I smile. Aya's just as shy as I am in this situation. I have nothing to fear. We're walking along new ground together.
I gently lift her head off my shoulder and peer into her face. I miscalculate the distance, because in the dark, I apparently have no depth perception. Or maybe I do, but I mess up on purpose. Nevertheless, I find my face much closer to hers than I mean for it to be, and it only takes a slight movement to close the gap that opened between us about twenty minutes ago.
She sighs in relief. I can tell. Me, too. I can't believe any of this is happening, least of all that I'm the one restarting it.
Off come our clothes, and I give into her completely. Call it a kind of apology for suddenly jumping into things before. I let her control me, and I love it. We're both natural born leaders, but she's a natural born leader of girls named Fujimoto Miki, so while I have control of my own mind in all other situations, I'm completely at Aya's mercy whenever she flexes that leadership muscle. The thought might have scared me once, but now I don't have time to feel scared. Just a million other fantastic things.
What is happening is a bit wild. You can tell we're both crazy for each other by the way we simply don't let each other rest.
And then much, much later (I'm not in the right mind to check when), it's time to stop and go to sleep.
High from a flood of hormones coursing through my body, I clutch her to me firmly. I momentarily close my eyes, waiting for my breath to even out and slow down.
I'm not ready to fall asleep yet. I am overcome with drowsiness, but what I have to say is far more important, for at this moment, I grasp the scope of what I'm in, what has happened, and what will happen after tonight. I want Aya to know everything about me. She's asked for there to be no more secrets between us, and we've shared just about everything else that we possibly can. I feel that I need to take the first step in breaking down and passing through the final barrier that remains between us.
I open my eyes, and still hugging her to me closely, I put my mouth right near her ear so that she can feel my words as well as hear them. I begin to talk in a whisper in an unprecedented spilling of all my thoughts. I have not considered saying all these things until this very moment.
I tell her a bunch of things that might be considered pointless but that I want her to know regardless. I save the most important things for last. She doesn't speak a word while I have the floor.
I finally start the latter part of my speech with a painful topic.
"I've been raving jealous of Tachibana since you met him," I say.
She still says nothing and listens.
"I wanted you to look at me the way I imagined you looked at him. I hated him because I thought he took you away from me. He had something I wanted."
I pause to let the next thoughts form in my mind.
"I've been trying to tell you how I feel since you broke up with him, and I came so close so many times. That's why I've been getting angry or nervous around you. It's been anger towards me, not you," I say, but I quickly reconsider it. "Well, I got angry at you for not being able to figure me out, but now I realise that maybe you did. I think maybe you knew this was coming. That this would happen eventually."
She still doesn't speak, but I can see flickers of affirmation in her eyes as she thinks about the events I'm describing.
"I hate it when I become weak. I mean, there are other things in me that I dislike, but it all boils down to weakness, I think. And mine isn't a regular weakness. It's a despicable one. Nothing honourable about it. And I also hate how I say the wrong thing at the wrong time, especially around you."
Silence. She lets me regroup.
"When I first met you, your presence struck me as... I don't know... so definite. There was no doubt that you were there. I was scared that maybe you wouldn't be as nice as the person you acted like while in the spotlight, but I found that you were even nicer. To me, at least," I finish that sentence with a little laugh. "I was happy that we became friends, and that was fine for a long while. But then I started to think of you too much. It scared me so much that I tried to ignore it, though when Tachibana came around, I had to admit to myself that I was in love with you. You know that, right? That I'm in love with you? That I have been for a long time? I think you've know."
Her eyes glitter with words unspoken. I think she agrees with me.
"When I was thirteen," I continue in a completely different vein, "I had a fight with my best friend. We didn't talk for four days. When we spoke again, we couldn't remember or care what the fight had been about. To this day, I don't remember. But it really affected me back then, and I think it changed how I viewed my friends. I started treating them better. That's why I am the way I am with the special, close friends I have now, including you. I cherish all of you because good friends are hard to find, and I know that you're all on my side. It takes a while for me to build up that trust. I've been hurt by people close to me."
I loosen my hold on her a slight bit just to give her free reign to move if she needs to, but she lies there waiting to hear what else I have to say.
"Some of the guys I've dated," I start, uncomfortable about bringing the subject up while I am where I am, "I've really liked. A lot. But a few of them hurt me tonnes in the end. Not all of them, though," I add quickly as to not paint a gloomy picture of my love life.
I haven't been kicked around in all my relationships since I was born. I'm not one of those ill-fated girls. Far from it. However, I have had a few knocks here and there.
"But it's always been the ones that I've been most head over heels about that have hurt me the most. I don't know why. I'm sure it boils down to my tastes and what I find attractive in a guy."
I'm about to go off topic here. I'm sure she doesn't want to hear all about my past love life. I mean, I've told her about it before, although not in detail. Casual "yeah, I've had a few boyfriends, and two were nice but the rest were jerks" types of conversations.
I look at her face, but the expression hasn't changed. She looks like she really wants to hear everything that I have to say. It's amazing. If I was the one listening now and she was talking about Tachibana, I would have thrown a pillow over her face at the first mention of his name. I'm still a little sore about that, but I guess that's between me and him, not me and her.
"But I have to say one more thing, and that's that what I feel for you is twenty billion times what I've ever felt for anybody else."
Again, no reaction, but I can see that in her eyes, she doesn't looked frightened. She might think I'm exaggerating or she might feel the same. Either way, it doesn't matter. I have to say it.
"And I know that you're a good person. So I'm going to trust you completely with everything about me from now on. I've made mistakes before, but I know that you're not a mistake. I'm going to protect this thing that we have. It's valuable beyond belief. You just... um, you make me happy."
I pause, wondering if there's anything left.
There's nothing. I can't think of anything else to say to her.
I feel surprisingly light. I don't feel ashamed or exposed from spilling so many of my deep thoughts in such a short amount of time. I'm relieved. Now Aya knows all about me. If she wants to shift away from me, she can. If she wants to stay, all the better.
I move my head away and rest it on the pillow, closing my eyes in peace. I haven't felt this clear in years.
Aya then runs a hand through my hair, stroking my head without a word. I smile with my eyes still closed. She can see my smile. I know it. And I imagine her smiling back at me. She reaches down and grabs a hold of the sheets, covering the both of us. She then settles down right against me.
I know that what I've said has gotten to her. She doesn't say anything, but the feeling I get is that she's relieved, too. My saying all these things to her has made it clear where I stand in this life of mine. She no longer has to worry or question what I'm thinking, because she's been told and she will continue to be told from now on. I sense that she wants to be here just as much as I do. She hasn't said it directly. She hasn't told me that she loves me or wants to be by my side forever and all that. She has, however, treated me kindly, lovingly, even protectively, and she hasn't pushed me away in a creeped out and disgusted rage.
With us, we don't need as many words as other people do. One look can do the trick. One touch, too. She's given me so many more indications than that. I'd be a blind fool not to know what she feels.
I imagine putting my ear on the left side of her chest to listen to her heartbeat. I'm too spent to actually move and do it, but with my words and my actions, and with her decision to stay by my side, it's been proven that I've passed the barrier and turned left into her heart.
There is no other way to go but forward. From now on, though, we will walk together.
-The Beginning.
(-The end of story 10)