I didn't bother to copy my constructive criticism from IRC to here when posting the vid originally, but here goes:
The lyrics, while not commenting on their content, just don't fit into the song structure at all. They're clunky, don't flow with the music and feel like they're just pasted on the bgm. A big mess, in short. Kudos to her for translating the song all by herself, but there's a reason there are professionals for this. I just wonder how much Poko Records is really investing in it...
Of course, I could go into the cheapness of the actual video, but that's definitely in the spirit of H!P.