(AND YOU BETTER NOT MAKE EVERYONE DEAD OR YOU'RE NEXT! 
)
WHY IS THERE A HAPPY SMILEY?!
It looked like you want me to die
just kidding
(In fact, I will be more than happy if this is a happy ending story, which I highly doubt.. )
I'm not so cruel................
yetHello, thank for reading my story, commenting and clicking on the "thank you" button!
I just have enough time to post my chapter here and then I'll be working all the week! Ohhh how I like life
The beginning looks like I'm repeating things, but please, read everything until the end!
Sorry for the mistakes!
Chapter 14“Kampai!”
Takamina cheered with some members of her team. The entire group was having a celebration for their first concert at Tokyo Dome the day after their performance. There was a week left before the second and they couldn’t wait, even though their muscles were asking some rest from yesterday’s performance. They were all drinking, eating, talking and laughing with everyone, aware that it was probably the last “fun” time before coming back to practice. Joy could be seen in their eyes as they were happily sharing their thoughts about the first show.
“Hey, Takamina!” Sasshi exclaimed as she patted her shoulder. “You were so cute crying from happiness yesterday! The whole show went really well, right? We did a great job, thank to you, captain!”
Sasshi wasn’t totally wrong when she mentioned that it was because of Takamina the show went well. Of course, the short girl wasn’t the only one responsible for all this, but she was definitely one of those who worked the most and encouraged the most each member. Takamina had no choice, it was the opportunity of a lifetime after all. She would never waste this chance, even if the world was going to crash. It was a chance for AKB48 to go farther than ever, and it was also a great thing for herself since she had learned news things about ways to control her voice. It was too important this time to be ignored.
That was what she thought.
But when tears had begun to fall down her cheeks while she was in the middle of her BIRD performance, her determination had disappeared in a second. She had not told anyone about the truth, letting them believing she was just overwhelm by feelings. It was better this way. She still had difficulty to accept the fact that she had let her heart being disturbed by something so… so stupid! She was working! She was at Tokyo Dome! She was performing in front of thousand people! How could she have let her feelings control herself in such an important moment? She had had no right to think about something personal during this show. She couldn’t accept it herself, so how could she ever tell truth about it to someone else?! She was mad at herself. She found herself weak. Weak because she had not been able to perform like she was supposed to. Because “she” was taking too much place in her thoughts when “she” wasn’t supposed to. Wasn’t working to reach her dream her biggest goal in her life? Wasn’t working the most important thing in her life?
“Good job yesterday, Takamina!” Some girls said to her as they were passing by.
The captain of Team A just smiled and congratulated them too. But she knew her smile was fake, as fake as her happiness right now. She was playing the role of a happy captain who just managed to lead her team to the top of the mountain. But in fact, she was guilty about what she had done yesterday. She was not proud of herself. She didn’t like the way she had worked. She was angry because of that incapability of focusing only at her work. Seriously, what the hell was wrong with her? She had never been so less concentrate during a concert before! How could she have become so… troubled only in five months?! But what bothered her the most wasn’t the fact that she had been unable to work properly yesterday… it was the fact that she was still incapable to find what she had. She couldn’t put her feelings into words and it frustrated her. She couldn’t describe what she was living and it pissed her off. The only thing she knew was that it was all because of “her” and it frustrated her even more.
“Takamina, do you want something to eat?” Haruna asked her with a meal of katsudon in her hand. “We asked the staff to buy you this since it’s your favourite!”
“No, thank. I’m not hungry.” She answered, still having this fake smile stuck in her face.
Haruna looked surprise to see Takamina saying “no” to her favourite meal, but didn’t ask about it and just left to join Yuko who was a bit too friendly with Sae and Sayaka.
Even though she really wasn’t hungry, Takamina couldn’t believe herself she had refused katsudon! Was she that different? She sighed, shaking her head, tired of everything. She didn’t like her own comportment… She didn’t like how she was acting during those five months… She wanted to feel the fire in her veins when she was dancing. She wanted to bring back this energy in her voice when she was singing… She wanted the loud screams of the fans to bring her back to life when she was on stage… She didn’t want to be so depressed. She didn’t want to cry anymore, especially for this reason. She didn’t want to have this kind of “revelation”, especially when she had no idea where they came from. All she wanted was to be able to work as usual, like before… like two years ago… when “she” was still there.
She looked around her. They were all enjoying themselves, why couldn’t she just do the same? She suddenly moved her head quickly to her right, hearing someone calling her name, but there was no one. She panted. She was imagining things now… She glanced down, staring at her feet. Only one show… There was only one show at Tokyo Dome. The last one, the second perfect performance of AKB48. She couldn’t stop now. She couldn’t pretend she was sick or anything, it wasn’t the way she was. She was strong and had her pride, even if she was still modest. Right after the last concert, she would be able to look more for these strange feelings she felt since almost five months now. She would be able to find out about it… finally. She would set her free from this. She would be able to work again, like before… that was what she believed. Five months… “She” had started to send her mails… five months ago.
“Call her.” Miichan said as Takamina flinched at her sudden appearance.
“You scared me!” Takamina protested. “What do you want?”
Takamina herself had not been aware that she wasn’t smiling anymore since almost ten minutes, staying by herself, far from others.
“Call her.” Miichan repeated. “Your face’s screaming you want to see her.”
The captain avoided her glance as she answered:
“You’re wrong. I’m just worried about the next concert.”
It wasn’t a lie… but it wasn’t the truth either. So… it wasn’t that bad to tell her that, right? Anyway, why would Miichan care about it?! Again, Takamina surprised herself by asking this. Miichan was her friend. It was obvious she would care. She was the one stupid to not trust her friends enough.
“Does that mean you stopped thinking about the first one already?” Miichan asked.
Takamina didn’t answer. Whatever Miichan wanted to hear from her, she wouldn’t give her that satisfaction. And how could she ever tell her the truth… she didn’t know it herself.
“I may not know you as much as she does, but I know you enough to tell you weren’t only crying because of happiness at the end of the show.”
The captain flinched at the “she”. Miichan… knew her a lot, it was true, but she didn’t expect it to be that much. Well… maybe “she” was right when “she” had said Takamina couldn’t lie during that Shoujiki Shouji episode. But seriously… she couldn’t have cried only because of HER, right? Because… even if she was important to her… even if she was missing… even if she was not with her anymore…
“You look like you’re going to die.” Miichan said, trying to be encouraging. “Come on, everybody’s having fun except you, so do what you want to feel better. Call her.”
Takamina was about to deny it again, but just nodded slightly. Maybe her main problem was that, denying everything. Maybe she should just accept that the show went bad because… of that hole in her heart. This empty feeling… which had never stopped growing since her graduation. Perhaps… Miichan was right when she said she was lying to herself.
“Hey,” Takamina whispered as she was about to go outside, “how do you know so much about it?”
Miichan smirked and said softly:
“Because it’s written all over your face. You know… I don’t care how many times you need to discover everything… as long as you know where your limits are.”
Takamina smiled slowly and she just turned around while Miichan added:
“And wasn’t yesterday the day of your first meeting with her, years ago?”
Takamina opened her phone, looking at the date. Miichan was right. Yesterday was their first meeting birthday. She had completely forgotten about it. Too much work she guessed… She looked for her mails. There was a new one from her. She had had no time to read it since she had received it after the concert, while she was sleeping from this hard job. She opened the door and went outside, leaving the joyful atmosphere behind her to join the darkness of the night.
***
“Today is special day isn’t it?
I hope your concert went well!”
“Yesterday was a very special day, you’re right.” Takamina thought as she saved the mail.
Takamina was standing at the top of the building, staring at the lights of Tokyo. It was not too cold, just enough to be able to stay outside. She felt wind passing through her hair, refreshing her. She looked at all the lights, wondering which one was from her friend’s house. She could hear many sounds, from ambulances to music… but only one remained… it was her voice… Acchan’s voice… even though she was alone right now, she heard it. She couldn’t believe she had forgotten about it… but it was true she had been busied. Yesterday night, she was with AKB48, not with her friend. No… it was wrong. Her body had been with AKB48, but her soul, her mind and her heart hadn’t. She shook her head, refusing to think about it.
Maybe she should call her now that it was done? She was alone here, nobody could listen to her. And Acchan was probably not working now… Maybe they could talk about their “meeting birthday”. Maybe talking to her would really help her to feel better, like Miichan had told her… She frowned. What was so special about talking to Acchan? She was her best friend… but why was she happier when she talked to her, and not with someone else? Why couldn’t she feel the same thing when she was with Miichan or Haruna? Why was it… so great to talk with her… Why was she so excited when she received a new mail from her…? She was just… a friend like another, right? She sighed. There was no need to ask herself so many questions. It would only make her feel bad. It would not help her to find an answer… it would be useless… right?
Takamina smiled. Finally, after five long months, she would talk to her. Why was she so happy about it? Sure, it had been a long time… but… but nothing. Those tears, she didn’t want them anymore. She didn’t want to cry from sadness at the next concert. There was no way she would. She would go on stage happy and confident next time.
She waited for Acchan to answer. There was no one. Her friend didn’t answer her call. It was just… an empty silence from the other side of the line. Takamina felt suddenly anxious and called the hospital. She had a bad feeling growing in her mind. It was late, but the doctor was kind enough to let her talk.
“Room 257, please.” She asked politely, even though her blood was running through her body.
She waited while they were transferring her call.
“Hello?”
Takamina hang up. Hiroko had answered. She had not left the hospital yet. She started to breathe again. Acchan was fine. Her manager was not threatening her again… everything was fine. She flinched as she realized what she had just done. She felt stupid. Couldn’t she trust Acchan more than that? It wasn’t because she didn’t answer her call that she was dead or something like this! And she couldn’t expect Acchan to answer each time she called since she herself didn’t do it. She couldn’t believe how worried she had been only for something so… small. She wasn’t Acchan’s bodyguard, right? She didn’t need to be so worried? Why the hell had she reacted this way so fast? Why couldn’t she just say “I’ll call her later”, like normal people would do! Why did she have to care so much?! And seriously, wasn’t she asking herself the same freaking questions since five months?! Why couldn’t she just find the answer and let it go?
She furiously grabbed her phone and threw it in her bad. Acchan was fine. She was the one crazy to think too much about it.
“Just wait after the second show… and then I’ll concentrate to find the answer to these questions.”Yes, she would do that. There was no need to hurry. There was nothing to care about. All these dreams and all this sadness meant nothing. What Hiroko had told her about Acchan meant nothing too. It was just… lies.
“Acchan loves you.”Takamina flinched. She couldn’t stop doubting about it. Was it true? She had not though too much about it, but now… with what had happened during the show… Love… what did “love” meant anyway? There were so many definitions… Which was Acchan’s definition of love? Which was her definition of love?
“What happened to me to change so much in such a short laps of time?” She repeated loudly to someone invisible.
Only silence answered her question.
Don’t be shy anymore… not with you… not with the others…Did that mean… that shyness was what stopped her from discovering the truth? She… She wasn’t that shy, wasn’t she? She smiled slightly. She had to admit she was probably the shyest of the whole group. But to go to the point of lying to herself… wasn’t it too extreme? She was shy but… she was honest, wasn’t she?
And that was when she finally realized her problem. Miichan was right from the beginning. Miichan had told her everything to help her to find the truth, but she had just thrown everything away. She wasn’t honest with herself. She was lying all the time. She never took time to really answer to all these question that poisoned her life. She never answered these questions for real… All she did was answering “no” all the time, denying her feelings, refusing to see all the possibilities. In fact… had she ever taken time to really think about everything that was going on her mind recently? It was normal she had cried yesterday because she was surrounded by mysterious and uncontrollable feelings! She would never feel better unless she stopped avoiding her feelings.
She yawned. She was falling asleep there, alone. She needed to go back where there was sounds and food to stay awake… Maybe she should try this katsudon after all? But as she was about to leave to join the others, her phone rang, disturbing the silence of the night.
“Hello?” she asked, not looking whose number it was.
“You called me?” A weak voice answered.
Takamina flinched, recognizing Acchan’s voice.
“Acchan?” she asked, surprised.
“Is everything fine?”
“Um? Yes… why do you ask? You sound strange, are you alright?”
Acchan coughed a little before she answered:
“Sorry, I’m sick… But since it’s so rare you call me… I was thinking something might have happened to you so I was worried.”
Not only did she sound sick, but it seemed that she was sleepy too. Takamina couldn’t believe Acchan was worried about her when she was the one sick! She should be the one worried about Acchan, not the opposite! Did her friend… care more about her than herself?
“You shouldn’t worry about me when you’re the one sick.” Takamina said softly.
“But… once… you fainted on stage… I just wanted be sure it wasn’t something like that.”
“I just wanted to talk… I’m fine.” Takamina answered, glad of the attention Acchan had toward her.
“I’m relieved then…I wanted to be sure you had nothing.”
Takamina smiled. Acchan could be so cute sometimes…
“Hey, you’re home now?” She asked as Acchan confirmed. “I’m coming.”
“What?” Acchan asked, surprised in her voice. “Aren’t you busy now? And it’s late… and…”
“Everything is fine. I just want to be sure you have nothing too bad too.” She said. “Wait for me.”
She hanged up and stared at the dark sky for a minute.
“Stop lying to yourself and go find the truth about your feelings so you will finally be able to work properly, understand?!” She would leave to go to Acchan’s house. After all, she was really worried about her, and even if it was late, she wanted to see her. She wanted to make sure she was alright. Acchan was worried about her enough to call her even though she was sick, well she would visit her no matter what time it was. As she was saying goodbye to the others members, she approach Miichan and said:
“I’m leaving. I’ll visit Acchan, she’s sick.”
Her friend smiled and nodded.
“Finally, it’s about time. Make sure you find all you need to know. We don’t want to see you sad at the next concert too.”
“I won’t.” She promised as she left the place.
It wasn’t so far and she didn’t have enough money to take a taxi, so she decided to walk. Halfway… rain began to fall. She walked faster, but she realized it wasn’t enough and began to run. She walked to the door and opened it without knocking, knowing when she called Acchan before coming, the door was always opened to her. Her entire body was wet and water was even falling down on the floor. Damn… she would have to give a good explanation to Acchan… One of her friend’s dogs came in front of her and began to lick the water.
“Good boy!” Takamina laughed. “You just helped me finding an excuse for that!”
She knew it wasn’t polite, but she went to the bathroom before even seeing her friend. There was no way she was going to appear like this. She looked like a real fish. She did her best to dry herself, but seeing there was nothing more she could so, she just stopped and went in the living room, hoping Acchan would not get mad at her for splashing water everywhere. Fortunately, her friend’s parents weren’t there.
“Acchan?” she whispered as she entered the living room.
Her friend was lying on the sofa, listening, again, to the video the French fan had given her. She was still looking at the final scene, she couldn’t get enough of it. In fact, she was half sleeping as Takamina saw what her friend was listening to.
“Are you alright?” Takamina asked as she squatted down in front of her friend, putting her hand in her forehead.
Acchan opened her eyes and smiled at Takamina.
“You really came…” She said.
“Of course I came!” Takamina laughed. “What are you doing, listening to that? You should sleep in your bedroom and rest to feel better tomorrow.”
“I can’t help it… Seeing Takamina kissing me help me to feel better. You know, your lips were really soft...” Acchan whispered innocently.
“Ah, stop it, it’s embarrassing.” Takamina laughed, trying to hide the pink color on her cheeks.
Acchan laughed and coughed at the same time as she said:
“Hey… you look like you took a bath with your clothes.”
“Sorry about that… I was walking and… well…rain.”
“You can use the bath here if you want and take some clothes of mine. I don’t care. And you did all the way to come here, so do as you want.”
“Ah, no, I don’t want to bother you.” Takamina immediately said.
Acchan frowned. She couldn’t believe Takamina was still shy with her after all the time they had spent together.
“Come on, I can’t get out of here anyway, so I won’t spy you. And if you don’t, you may catch a cold.”
“I came here to see you and take care of you, not the opposite.” Takamina reminded her. “I can’t leave you here.”
“I’m fine, I can wait.”
Seeing how much Acchan insisted, Takamina couldn’t refuse. She went in Acchan’s room, took some clothes and locked herself in the bathroom. At least, she could trust Acchan to not spy on her since she was sick… What? Stupid! She felt stupid! She was here to find the truth, right? It wasn’t the time to be shy at all! Now she should just hurry and talk to Acchan before she felt asleep. Seriously… first, the kiss scene, then that?! How would she find the truth if she was so shy! Somehow, she began to understand the reasons why Miichan thought she was helpless. But she couldn’t help but feel good thinking that Acchan still cared about her even if she was just wet by rain. After a moment, she went in the bath, moaning at the meeting of the hot water and her skin. It felt so good! Now she could relax for real… She glanced at the closed door. Outside, Acchan was patiently waiting for her to finish, so she needed to hurry. But then again… she felt so good the way she was! She closed her eyes, enjoying the bath. One or two minutes of relaxation couldn’t be bad, right?
Thirty minutes later“Takamina?” Acchan asked through the door of her bathroom.
There was no answer.
“Takamina?!” She shouted as she knocked loudly.
Still no answer.
Acchan shook her head. No way, what was going on? Why wasn’t Takamina answering?
“Hey!” She screamed as loud as possible.
At the other side of the closed door, Takamina slowly opened her eyes and yawned. Where was she? Oh, yeah, she was taking a bath at Acchan’s house… Wait a minute… A bath? Acchan’s house? DAMN!
“Takamina, answer me!” She heard Acchan screaming from the other side as the door was about to be smashed.
“Acchan? Everything is fine…” She slowly said, drying herself as she went out of the bath.
The loud sound stopped.
“What the hell were you doing?! I called you but you didn’t answer!” Acchan’s furious voice asked.
“I’m sorry!” Takamina answered. “I… I was exhausted and… I kinda fell asleep.”
“What?!”
“Don’t worry, I’m… I’m coming out!” Takamina said as she dressed as fast as possible, insulting herself at the same time. Sleeping in the bath, what was she thinking about?! She was here for Acchan, not to sleep for God sake!
She opened the door as soon as she was dressed, panting. Acchan was not there anymore. She had gone back to the living room to sit on the sofa, still nervous. Takamina sat by her side, apologizing.
“Acchan, I’m really sorry… I was tired… I didn’t think I could-”
“I thought something might have happened to you…” Acchan whispered, interrupting her.
Even though she was sick, she had managed to call Takamina from the living room when she had seen it was becoming long. Since she had not received an answer, she had hardly walked to the door. She had tried to call her too, but there was no answer either. When she had finally heard Takamina’s voice, she had almost fainted because of the emotion.
“I’m sorry.” Takamina said.
“I was worried about you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I thought you fainted or something in the water and that…” She didn’t finish her sentence.
“I’m sorry.”
“I have a headache because of you.”
“I’m sorry.”
Acchan stopped talking, catching her breathe. For a moment… the slight possibility of being alone in this world without Takamina crossed her mind. She had been afraid that something bad had happened… she had been afraid of loosing her… she had been afraid of finding an unconscious body in the bath. She sighed, putting her face in her hands. She had never been so scared in her life.
“Never do that again…” She whispered. “Never… scare me like that again.”
“I’m sorry.” Takamina repeated.
She honestly didn’t know what else to do. She understood how Acchan had felt. She had felt the same the day she had learned about the car accident. Being afraid of loosing someone important… there was no word to describe this feeling. Being afraid to be alone in this world was scaring. Loosing someone you cared a lot about… it was something no one could describe. Because when it happens… however you look at the situation, there’s always a word that remains: gone. There’s always this indescribable feeling in the heart of the person left alive. Because no matter how hard one tries to remember the best memories… there’s always two things left at the end… pain… and a horrible feeling of emptiness.
“Are you… alright?” Takamina shyly asked.
Acchan slightly nodded, taking deep breathes. Too much emotion for her tonight… She was still glad to have Takamina by her side though.
“You scared me to death though.” She said, smiling a bit. “Next time you’re going to take a bath here, I’ll go with you.”
Takamina blushed at the sudden change of subject, but just laughed awkwardly.
“I was tired…” she said with a soft voice. “I didn’t mean to scare you at all. I would never do this kind of joke…”
“I know.”
Takamina felt so stupid… so bad… so mad at herself… She was here to support Acchan, not to kill her! She wasn’t sure if she wanted to find the truth finally… Maybe she should just left Acchan rest alone tonight.
“Come on, let’s go to bed.” She said to her friend like she was talking to a little kid.
They went in Acchan’s bedroom and both of them lied on the bed, Acchan using Takamina as her pillow. She could hear Takamina’s heart beating regularly, reassuring her. Her friend was alive, with her, and there was no way she would let her go.
“Thank for coming tonight.” Acchan said, smiling.
“Don’t thank me. I scared you to death a few minutes ago.” Her friend laughed.
“Yeah, but I don’t care. When you’re with me this way, I feel invincible. Even if I’m sick… when you’re with me, it’s like the happiest part of my life.”
Takamina smiled, but didn’t answer. Her heart was beating faster as Acchan was whispering these sweet words to her. She felt good this way, having this king of proximity with her. Somehow, she wasn’t as shy as before with her. Somehow… she knew she didn’t have to be shy in this kind of situation. “To look into her heart”, what exactly did it mean? Being like this with Acchan, did it bother her? Did she felt awkward this way? Was she dying of shyness? Was she dying of fear? No… it was fine. She wanted to stay like this… she wanted this moment… to remain forever. She closed her eyes, still not believing what she was doing now. If the others were there, she would probably just move apart from Acchan… but the others weren’t there. They weren’t there to laugh at them or pretend things…
“Takamina… don’t leave me alone again…” she heard Acchan saying softly.
She nodded, knowing when her friend was sick, she was becoming more emotional than usual. The way she talked to her, it didn’t sound like a joke or anything. It sounded… like a hopeless call for help. It sounded like a call to fight against loneliness. She reached for her hand and didn’t release it as she said:
“I will never leave you.”
In a way, they had both decided that Takamina would stay there for the night. Acchan felt relieved to have her by her side, even though she still couldn’t tell her she loved her. They were fine this way, there was no need to bring this subject. It was exactly what she wanted… to feel Takamina’s body against her as they were half sleeping, half talking. If she were strong enough, she would have taken a picture, but she wasn’t.
“You say that… but when you will go back to work, everything will be the same.”
Acchan was right and Takamina knew it even if it broke her heart. Why couldn’t she stop thinking of Acchan all the time? Why was it becoming so painful to be by her side, knowing they would have to leave each other sooner or later? Why couldn’t they just stay together forever? The small captain sighed, still holding Acchan’s hand. Somehow, she knew the reason… but it was hard to admit it… to find the truth behind her feelings. She stared at Acchan’s face for a moment. She surprised herself, thinking how cute her friend was. She was here to find the truth, right? Well, somehow, she knew she had realized something tonight. She didn’t want to leave Acchan. She didn’t want to see her sick or sad again. She wanted her friend… to smile at her with stars in her eyes like she used to do.
“I promise I’ll do my best to see you more often.”
Acchan sighed. Now, Takamina said that, but as soon as she would go back… she would forget her. Like usual. She would not care about leaving her alone for another five months… Acchan knew her friend enough to tell that work was very important to her. She squeezed Takamina’s hand, hoping time would stop. But time went on as they stayed in silence, appreciating this moment. Knowing that someone cared for her made Acchan feel way better. She glanced at Takamina. Her eyes were closed. She was cutely sleeping. Acchan couldn’t help but smile at how tired the captain was. She was also thankful for her to be there with her. Takamina had visited her, even though she was busied like never before. She had taken time to talk to her and to make sure everything was fine, even though all she wanted from the beginning was to sleep. Acchan didn’t know how to thank her now. She was so cute sleeping this way…
“Takamina…?” she whispered, removing her head from her friend’s shoulder.
But she was deeply sleeping. Was she dreaming? Was she happy? Was she sad? Acchan didn’t know anything from Takamina’s life right now. She only knew it was Tokyo Dome time for AKB48. She was glad their dream had come true. They deserve it, Takamina more than anybody…
“You’re sleeping…?” Acchan whispered.
There was still no answer. When Takamina slept, it was almost impossible to wake her. About this point… it was the same with Acchan. The actress stared at her friend sleeping peacefully. She was so cute… and yet… Acchan was scared. Not only because of her feelings toward her friend… but because Takamina was sleeping in her bed right now, with her by her side. And she was sick! She would never forgive her if Takamina became sick before the second concert at Tokyo Dome… Sadly, she moved back, breaking their hand contact. Takamina’s hand closed. Acchan sighed. She had no right to break Takamina’s dream. She couldn’t be selfish and take the risk of making her sick… She smiled as she slightly began to cry silently. She was… not needed. She was only an obstacle for Takamina’s dream. She would… never sleep again with her, nor be so close with her…She stood, ready to leave the bed to go to sleep in another room. But at least… even with this sadness… she could still be happy. She could still enjoy Takamina’s presence. She… could still dream.
“Where you’re going?” she heard Takamina mumbled as she opened the door.
She turned around. Takamina had still her eyes closed, but she knew she was awake. Acchan’s movement had woken her. She didn’t answer, hoping Takamina would think she was going to the bathroom or something. It wasn’t her style to play the shy girl, it was Takamina’s… but tonight, she wanted to exchange roles. Takamina needed to sleep and she was sick. There was no way she could stay there with her.
“I decided to come here to take care of you… remember?” Takamina asked, still closing her eyes. “I won’t be sick, if that’s what you’re afraid of.”
Acchan sobbed. She was rarely crying… why did she have to cry tonight?! Takamina and she… were so connected… Somehow… they knew what the other thought. They were close in a way nobody else was.
“But…” she murmured.
Takamina didn’t answer. She didn’t move, except… for her hand. She opened it, waiting for something to happen. It didn’t take a long time before Acchan’s hand reached for hers and went back lying by her side. Words were not needed.
Acchan didn’t know how important it was for Takamina to do something like this. To accept to sleep by her side this way, so close… it was a huge step. A huge step, not only with her feelings, but also for who she really was. She was now aware that… she didn’t want their closeness to be destroyed by her job. She didn’t want this special relationship they had to disappear because of their job. She didn’t want… to loose her. She didn’t want to suffer anymore when she would be far from her… she hated this painful feeling piercing through her heart each time she thought about Acchan… She knew what she had lost at Acchan’s graduation now… not just a part of who she was… she had entirely lost herself.
***
Takamina slowly opened her eyes. She had never slept so well since… a whole year. She yawned, taking her time to wake up. The room was full of sun rays, which was pretty unusual since she had to wake up at 5 o’clock… She suddenly stood, get out of the bed and looked around her, panicked. Where was she? Why was Acchan lying on the bed, sleeping too? Why was the sun so high in the sky?! Oh crap. She had slept with Acchan… she had stayed too late… She was late!
She immediately went in the bathroom, trying to make her hair look more… normal. She changed her clothes in a second and was ready to leave, not taking time to eat anything. The others were going to KILL her. No... worst, they were going to kill her, destroy her body and burn it to ashes. She couldn’t believe she had been so lazy! It was almost midday, she had no time to slow down. Practice had begun since already four hour and she was still in Acchan’s house?! Was it a bad joke?! She looked at her cell phone. She had three mails from Miichan, Haruna and Sayaka. She was… really… going… to get killed.
She took a few second to look at Acchan though, putting her hand on her forehead to see if she still had fever. She couldn’t help but think her friend was really pretty sleeping this way. The way she was lying in the bed… the way her mouth was slightly opened… the way her hair were falling, hiding her face… the way a smile sometimes appeared in her sleeping face… right now, everything was… perfect with Acchan. She could just stare forever at her… but… she could not. She was relieved to see she seemed to get better, but she had no time to wait more. She had to get out of here, and fast.
As she was leaving the room, carrying her bag, she quickly wrote a note to Acchan, explaining herself, but it was not needed. Acchan was awake. But Takamina was busy writing the note, her back facing the bed, so she didn’t see her friend walking toward her. Still half sleeping, Acchan put her arms around Takamina’s waist, surprising her from behind. The small captain flinched at their closeness, but didn’t say anything. After all… Acchan was kind of sleeping so… it couldn’t be intentional.
“Where are you going?” Acchan’s sleepy voice asked in Takamina’s ear.
Takamina smiled awkwardly. Acchan was way too close to her… it was becoming scary. It wasn’t that she didn’t like Acchan… but right now… this kind of proximity…
Stop lying to yourself for once… You’re not against this feeling…
The captain sighed. She was still avoiding the truth. She would never find anything about herself if she kept on going this way. She had come here to find answers… but finally time was missing. She couldn’t stay anymore. She couldn’t talk to Acchan anymore. She had to go to work. She had to hurry because… even though it looked stupid, the reason was pretty simple: it was her job. She couldn’t leave and do like nothing happened.
“I’m going to practice for the second concert.” She said, trying to move apart.
But Acchan didn’t have the intention of letting her go. She put her head on Takamina’s shoulder and yawned.
“I need my pillow.”
“You have one in your bed. Go back to sleep. I need to go.” Takamina answered, even though she really wanted to stay and sleep again.
“I can’t sleep without Takamina’s body near mine.” Acchan protested.
Takamina quickly tried to hide the red color appearing on her cheeks as she whispering:
“Of course you can. Look how you’re tired now.”
The way she was saying it was… like she was asking Acchan to answer she could sleep without her. Like… she wanted Acchan to say “goodbye” to her. She was secretly praying for Acchan to let her go because… finally she didn’t want to find the truth. She was scared. She… wanted to know but at the same time… what would she do if it was really what she was thinking? Would she… leave Acchan? Would she… learn to love Acchan? She shook her head. She couldn’t support so much pressure from both her job and Acchan… It was too much for her. She just wanted to leave this place. She had been wrong to come here. She had been wrong to want to know the truth. She was fine the way she was… But the way Acchan was acting with her right now was… so adorable!
“Let me go.” She said. “I have work. I can’t stay here…”
“You won’t come back if I let you go…” Acchan sadly murmured.
“Why are you saying that? It’s not true!”
“You have work. You won’t come back. You’d rather work than come here.”
Acchan was still close to Takamina who wondered if what her friend was telling was really true. She… was acting that way? Like she would never come back to see her? Wait, was Acchan asking her to…
“I can’t believe you want me to choose between the group and you.” She answered, a bit harsh.
She felt Acchan’s breath stop for a second as she regretted what she just said. No… it wasn’t the way she wanted to talk to Acchan… but she really needed to leave. She… did choose her work over her friend after Acchan’s graduation. But it was for her dream… Didn’t they make the promise to do all they can to reach their dream? Didn’t they say they would encourage the other no matter what? Now Acchan was really acting like… her departure would kill her. But it wasn’t, right? She couldn’t be so important to her, right? She was her best friend right… but… she would come back for sure. Even if it took months, even if they couldn’t talk together for a moment, nothing would change between them, right?
“Acchan, I’m sorry…”
But her friend just moved apart and went back in her bed.
“No, I am the one sorry. I know the group is important for you.”
Takamina just wanted to go back and hugged her friend like… she hated to say it, but like a lover would do to reassure one.
“I promised you I won’t leave you.”
Acchan didn’t look at her. Takamina sighed and went near her. She didn’t want to leave on a sad note... She knew herself, she would not ever be able to work if she was in a fight with her best friend.
“Hey…” she said as she faced her. “I never broke a promise before.”
“I know…” Acchan said. “Really… thank for coming yesterday. I was really happy.”
Takamina smiled and nodded. She was glad too. It had been the nicest night since a long time.
“Good luck for the second concert. I hope it will go as well as the first one…”
The captain was about to nod and confirm, but she suddenly remembered something important… The first concert... hadn’t been really well. It had been perfect… until her song. Until salt water had fallen down from her eyes. Everything had been fine… until she had remembered she was alone on stage, living a dream without her best friend by her side like they were supposed to. She smiled, but said honestly to Acchan:
“I hope it will go better than the first one. I messed up at the end of it. I… became too emotional.”
“Well, it’s not surprising…”
Acchan, knowing how important that concert was for Takamina, felt a bit sad for her. She really wanted to do something to bring her real smile back, not the half sad she was seeing right now in the face of her friend, but she knew there was nothing she could really do. Instead, she softly kissed Takamina’s forehead. She did that only when she knew it was needed. Only when she was sure Takamina would not get mad. It was… a way she had found to help her friend. Somehow, Takamina always appreciated it. The first time she had done that, she had been surprised, shy had tried to hide it by pretending being mad at her. But the next time Acchan had done it… Takamina had just shyly smiled, staring at her. To the actress, it had become… a silent way to give her love.
“Why?” Acchan asked, supporting her.
Why? Takamina didn’t know the answer. Why? It was the most difficult question she ever had to answer. It was… the answer she had wanted to find by coming here… but it seemed that it was more complicated. It seemed that… she didn’t trust herself enough to find the answer. She didn’t… have enough confidence to find it… Even if she still had no idea about it, she knew she had done the best choice by coming here yesterday night. Seeing Acchan was enough to bring her smile back. Yeah, seeing her best friend… was more than enough to make her happy.
“I don’t know.” Takamina smiled sadly. “But I’ll do better next time for sure.”
“I know you can do it.” Acchan encouraged her. “Now go, I don’t want you to get killed…”
“I’m sorry.” Takamina said.
She truly was. She wished she could stay with Acchan today. She wished they could have a real meeting, the two of them, spending a whole day together, and not just a short night being together. But life was putting a huge obstacle between them: work. And… between all the obstacles she could easily surpass, this one was the most difficult to fight. She couldn’t fight her own manager. She couldn’t fight Acchan’s manager. She couldn’t leave her job. She couldn’t skip practices… In fact, the only thing she could do was to leave Acchan. It was the only choice she had.
“Takamina…” Acchan said as her friend was leaving the piece.
“What?”
“I’m serious… I want you to come back. I want you to be by my side forever.”
The leader of team A turned around, smiling.
“There’s no way I’d leave you.” She pronounced, laughing a little, like she was joking again.
Takamina was smiling, but her face turned serious as she saw Acchan’s expression. Her friend was staring at her with an intense glance. She could felt her own gaze lost itself deeper than ever before into her friend’s beautiful eyes. It was like she was prisoner from her own body. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t speak, and she even had difficulty to breathe. It was… like if a strong and unbreakable bond was being created between them. Acchan was serious, more than ever. She was sending a message to Takamina by her eyes. “I don’t want you to leave me”, that was what Takamina could understand.
But there was something more. Something hid behind this first message. Something even stronger than their close relationship… it was an invisible call for help… a call to ask Takamina to free her from love’s cruel influence.
“I swear… I will never-”
But Takamina’s whisper was interrupted by Acchan as the actress moved her head.
“Don’t promise something you can’t be sure about.” She pronounced with difficulty.
She broke their eyes contact, closing her eyes, coming back to the world beyond reality, where dreams could never be broken. Takamina hardly left the room, wondering what this uncomfortable feeling that had taken over her heart was. Something strange was happening to her. Something… she thought would never happen was becoming to grow in her mind, erasing everything she had believed before. Something… was changing. And somehow… it wasn’t only positive.
***
She was running toward Tokyo Dome as fast as she could. She couldn’t breathe anymore when she finally reached the place. She quickly apologized to the bodyguard at the entry and went inside, trying to prepare mentally for her future death. She was not smiling anymore. Everything that had happened with Acchan a while before had completely disappeared from her mind as she walked in the huge stage. She saw a couple of girls staring at her, whispering things she couldn’t hear from where she was. She was the worst captain ever. Seriously, she was the worst example to give to the new generation EVER. She tried to search her friends, soon enemies, by looking everywhere, but it wasn’t necessary. She was already surrounded by angry members.
“Where the hell were you?” Miichan asked angrily. “Don’t you know how important it is to be here at time! You are late by hours!”
Takamina didn’t try to find excuses, she quickly bowed to them, saying nothing than “sorry”.
“This was not really smart from you, captain.” Sayaka said with a really serious voice. “I don’t know where you slept, but seriously, you better never do that again.”
Takamina didn’t move, still bowing. She really felt guilty. She was a first generation member. She was supposed to give a great example to the others. She was one of those who wanted the most to have a concert at Tokyo Dome, but she was acting like she didn’t care at all.
“Takamina!” Tomochin growled, not really happy too as she joined the group. “It was about time you arrive. We need you in Team A to practice some songs! I shouldn’t be the one saying that to you.”
“Hey, I don’t think Akimoto-san is really happy now…” Mariko said.
Takamina suddenly stopped bowing, staring with fear at what Mariko. Akimoto-san? AKIMOTO-SAN? She was hoping they would not talk to this to him, but it was stupid to think something like this. Of course, they would tell him, what was she thinking about! But now, she knew she had a real problem. Her latest conversation with him had been exactly about it, about her missing concentration in the group and so on… By being late now, she was only helping him confirming his doubts. Her next conversation would be… painful.
“I’m sorry.” She repeated.
She felt like yesterday night, when she kept apologized to Acchan after her “drowning” in the bath.
“Where were you?” Mariko asked as Tomochin was urging them to finish so they could go practicing. But the tall girl was really curious to know why the so serious captain was late.
Takamina glanced at Miichan. Her friend already knew about the reason. The only thing the small captain was hoping was that she had not misunderstood the real reason why she was late. Miichan frowned at her as she suddenly realized everything before saying, still mad:
“Hey, Takamina, it’s not because Acchan will soon leave to South Korea that you have to miss the practices! It’s really important this time, it’s more important than a theatre show, you know?!”
“You were with Acchan?” Mariko said loudly, making the others glaring at her, speechless.
Takamina bowed again, knowing there was nothing she could do about it. If she said something, things would get worst, she was perfectly aware of it. But she couldn’t help it if she had slept too much… and if she had taken time to talk a bit with Acchan before leaving. She really couldn’t! If was… something vital to her to spend time with Acchan, something she needed to be happy, to smile again, to keep thinking in a positive way! She surprised herself as she thought she was describing Acchan as a very close friend… almost like her girlfriend or something.
“I was.” Takamina admitted. “But I didn’t mean to be late.”
“But you are.” Miichan pointed.
Takamina nodded, even though she was really sorry about everything. And couldn’t Miichan be less harsh with her? Not only did she talk to her like she had just commit a murder, but she was also accusing her to spend more time with Acchan because of that South Korea trip!
South Korea trip?
Which trip was she talking about?!
“What do you mean by Acchan leaving for South Korea?” She asked, suddenly realizing it.
Mariko shook her head, tired of all this drama. Takamina was going to have real problems with Akimoto-san anyway, she didn’t need to stay here. She left them and went back to practice with Haruna and Tomochin. Sayaka waited a little by Miichan’s side, but seeing she had nothing more to do with them, she went to talk with Sae and the rest of Team K. She felt disappointed at Takamina though. She really did respect her… but now… it was hard to believe in her. Mistakes came often than ever, even though she had worked hard before the first concert. The team A leader definitely missed concentration now when she was working with the group. And not only was it a problem to Team A, but it was also becoming difficult for the whole group.
“Yes, you know that trip Acchan will make to increase her popularity overseas.” Miichan said, frowning.
Was she really supposed to know it? Because she couldn’t be more confused than now. Well… it was true that she had been busied with work… but it wasn’t a good reason, right?
“I’m surprise you don’t know about it. It was the main subject since two weeks in the media. I think they spoke more about her than us!”
Really?
“She will go to South Korea in one month and will stay there for like… half a year. It was planned before her manager’s accident, but since she will leave hospital soon, they decided to do it even so.”
Really? Hiroko was going to leave hospital soon? It was nice… Wait, what? Half a year?
“Six months?!” Takamina asked, almost screaming. “Acchan will go there for six months?!”
Miichan slowly nodded, finishing nailing down Takamina’s coffin. Six months? So long time? How… come she didn’t know about it? It had been in the media for two weeks already? How come she didn’t hear anything about it? Why… didn’t Acchan tell her anything about it yesterday? Was it the reason why she wanted to stay close to her all the time? Was it the reason… why she didn’t want her to leave her? She felt guilty about it… maybe it was the reason why Acchan was more affectionate than before. Maybe Acchan thought she knew about it and… she didn’t say anything about it! She didn’t wish her a good trip or tell her she would miss her. Sure, she still had one month… but now she could understand Acchan being worried: she would probably not have time to see her again until the end of the month, when she would be leaving. She would probably… have to say “goodbye” to her by mail…
“I’m sorry you had to learn it this way, but it’s the truth.” Miichan said, trying to calm down a little. “I thought you already knew it.”
But I don’t!
“Hum… Sorry for yelling at you…” Miichan added. “But you choose a really bad timing to be late. The girls are really nervous about the second concert. They all hoped you could help them as usual. By being late today, it’s like you told them even yourself are not capable to work properly. They… are scared, you know? Some of them weren’t in the group when Acchan was there, they can’t understand everything. They know the fans… miss Acchan in the group so they try to do their best to replace her, even if it’s not easy. It’s like each time the group appears, Acchan’s ghost haunts then. So try to help them like you did for us at the beginning of AKB48. Try to make them feel like they are real members of the group.”
Takamina slowly nodded, still shocked from what she just learned.
“Come on, let’s work. You will have time to think about it later.” She said, trying to sound nice. “I would give you time to think about it, but we have to practice. The concert is in five days. There’s no time to be lazy.”
But Takamina couldn’t move anymore. This new had broken down all her will to work. Acchan… will be gone for six months?
“Takamina!” Miichan said, calling her friend back to reality. “You can think about it later. The others are waiting for us.”
Takamina began to walk slowly toward her team as Miichan was going to join her own. She couldn’t help but think about what she had thought earlier this morning when she was with Acchan.
Even if it took months, even if they couldn’t talk together for a moment, nothing would change between them, right? She had thought that… but now that it really happened… she didn’t know what to think. Before, after Acchan’s graduation, they had not talked together for about a year and it went fine. They were calling each other when they could and everything was nice the way it was, even though they were far from each other. But now… even if it was only for six months… it was long. Really, Takamina had already worked five months for the Tokyo Dome event, seeing Acchan only two times, and now she would not see her for another long time? It seemed… even more painful than before. It seemed that this time… she couldn’t be far from her friend anymore. She couldn’t be far from her so long time now… because her presence had become something she needed more than everything. Suddenly… the thought of the two of them being in two different countries was killing her happiness.
“Ready to work?” Tomochin’s voice called her.
Takamina nodded. But deep in herself, she knew she would never be able to work today… nor tomorrow… nor… during the second Tokyo Dome concert.
“Prove it!” Mariko said, holding her shoulder to make her face facing her.
The captain hesitated before smiling at her team. They were so nice with her. They were… a real family to her. If only… nothing had changed…
“You should hurry.” Sasshi told her. “Akimoto-san wants to see you after today’s practice. He’s not really mad but he said he needed to talk to you for the concert.”
Takamina sighed. If she was going to be killed, could she at least call Acchan to apologize for her stupidity before? She quickly nodded and began to dance. They wanted her to prove she could worry? They would soon understand what she meant by “working”. She would not give them the satisfaction to see her too much troubled. She professionally hid her true feelings behind its usual mask and began to prepare them for the next concert. She smiled. Moving this way was making her feel better. All her frustration was throwing away by each move of the choreography. And when they began to practice Beginner, she felt like she was invincible. She felt like nothing would ever stop her to reach her dream, even being apart from her best friend. She was… happy.
“She’s on fire suddenly.” Sasshi whispered to Akicha. “It looks like she trying to catch up the time.”
Her friend nodded and answered:
“Look at that precision. She’s really acting like our captain this way! Do you think it’s because she’s happy about the second concert? She’s smiling, isn’t she?”
“No…” Miichan said, interrupting the two girls.
She didn’t want to be impolite, but she had listened what they were saying and couldn’t help but making things clear. The two girls listened to her carefully. After all, they were worried for their captain and Miichan was one of her close friend, so she couldn’t be wrong about it.
“She’s not smiling.” Miichan continued with a low voice. “This look she has on her face, it’s not happiness. It’s guilt… and perhaps sadness too.”
The three of them stared a moment at their captain. She was moving everywhere, not taking time to catch her breath or anything. She had fire in her eyes and kept glancing at the members to see if they were still working. And sometimes, her eyes paused, staring at the front of the stage, silently calling someone to be there with her. But it was not even for a fraction of seconds.
“She’s not happy right now…” Miichan kept whispering to herself as the two others stayed immobile. “She’s… lying to herself.”
Sasshi and Akicha didn’t understand what Miichan meant by saying this, but they stared at Takamina who was still dancing with all her might. What could be false with the way she was moving right now? What could be sad about the way she was singing the lyrics of their songs? Everything seemed like usual, right? She was still acting like captain they always had. Did Miichan really think she was sad? It seemed kind of impossible.
But as they walked in front of their captain to go to the other side of the stage, they both noticed that Takamina’s eyes were full of water.
***
Acchan stared at her calendar. She had hid it in her drawer as soon as she had learned Takamina wanted to come yesterday night. Now that she was gone, she was looking at it since a few minutes. It was Takamina’s latest version. Not only was she gorgeous in those pictures, but it was high quality pictures. They were awesome. A red circle was the only mark in this month. The last day, to be more exact. The day when she would leave to South Korea for her job.
After Hiroko’s accident, she had hoped they would cancel it, but her manager was fine now. She was going to leave hospital next week and would have enough time to prepare herself for their trip. It was important though. It would be to promote her somewhere else than in Japan, though she knew she already had fans there. She knew Takamina would not know she was going to leave soon. Of course, her friend had probably no time to listen to the news or to read newspapers. She would not know about it… she would not tell her “goodbye”… she would not see her again before her departure… she would not see her for the next seven months… but it was part of her job, right? To make cruels decisions like this, right? And a lot of things could happen in seven months, right? She could easily forget about her now. It wasn’t like the year that had followed her graduation. Now… it was different. Takamina had had time to surpass her sudden departure from the group. She would probably… never miss her as much as Acchan did.
Because Takamina didn’t know what truly love someone was.
***
Takamina closed her phone for the fifth time of the day since the end of the practice. She was supposed to meet Akimoto-san to talk about the concert, but it seemed that it would be tomorrow instead because he had something more important to do. So now she was just wandering around in the streets, not really knowing what to do. She didn’t want to go home. In fact, she didn’t want to go anywhere. She just wanted to sit under a tree and wait for time to pass. She just wanted to have a confirmation everything was just a bad dream but… Acchan didn’t answer her call and Hiroko was sleeping. She couldn’t ask anybody else. She couldn’t…
She hit the bench which she was sitting on angrily. What was her problem! It was worst than before! It was worst than before, even though she had seen Acchan! Now she had the furious impression she was going to kill someone. Couldn’t someone bring her an answer?
Your face’s screaming you want to see her.Not that much, right? When Miichan had said it, was she really serious? What it SO obvious? Not that she was shy about it… well yes, she a bit, but… it was nothing to worry about, right? Her sadness couldn’t ONLY exist because of it, right?
“Acchan loves you.”She… loved her? Since she had heard it from Hiroko, Takamina had had difficulty to concentrate on anything else. It was on her mind most of the time. She was dreaming of it, she was thinking about it during the day… she was crying because of it… but she still didn’t ask Acchan about it, thinking it would be useless.
“Never… scare me like that again.”Did Acchan say something like this because… of friendship or love? Did Acchan see her as a friend… or as a lover? And most important, how did she, Takahashi Minami, see Acchan?
“You say that… but when you will go back to work, everything will be the same.” Acchan was right… Everything was always going to be the same… Everything was about work and dreams… Friendship wasn’t important enough… Friendship was something people needed to feel loved by others… but friendship couldn’t help one to get a job or anything like that. And when that same friendship was in danger because of work or principle… most of the time, it lost. Most of the time… one would choose to do what was better to him, meant work, future, money, fame… No matter how important that relationship was to someone… it was also extremely fragile.
She knew what she had lost at Acchan’s graduation now… not just a part of who she was… she had entirely lost herself. Takamina flinched as she thought about it. That thing she had thought about… was true. She didn’t like to admit it, but… Acchan had stolen a part of her heart when she had left. Acchan… had killed her soul by leaving the group…
“Don’t promise something you can’t be sure about.”So cruel, yet true words… but how could she be sure about it? How could she be sure… to never leave Acchan? It was… impossible to promise with their jobs. It was something unpredictable right now… But Takamina knew she could make a real promise to Acchan. She knew how, but she also knew this solution wasn’t the best one. It was something hard… something she had never really thought about before. But… it was the only way to make a real promise with her.
“She will go to South Korea in one month and will stay there for like… half a year”Now… THAT was the real problem she had right now. Why did she feel so depressed about it? It never happened before… why did it happen right now, at the moment where she needed to concentrate the most on her job?! Why did her heart hurt so much each time she thought about being far from her best friend… Why did her soul bleed when she thought about not seeing her friend for six months… Why did murderous envy appear in her mind each time she thought about each horrible things Hiroko had done to Acchan?
Why can’t you look deeper in your heart?She could! OF COURSE SHE COULD!
Why are you so stubborn?She was NOT!
Why exactly do you care so much about it?She did NOT!
Stop lying to yourself! Stop being stubborn! Stop being scared of your own friend!Takamina closed her eyes. Was it really the way she was right now? Liar, stubborn… and scared of Acchan? Why would she be scared? There was nothing to be scared of… She was close with her, she missed her when she was not by her side, she wanted to talk to her, Acchan brought her smile back each time she was down… they were… closer than anybody else would be with them. They always knew how the other felt, what was wrong… they always supported each others… they would both give their life to save the other… They would… never… leave… the other… They were… more than family or friends… She would… so miss her when she’ll be gone… She would… probably cry more than after her graduation…
And then… she knew it. She knew what she was denying with all her might. She knew… what scared her since so much time. She finally understood what she was trying to hide from herself since the beginning… She realized… how stubborn she was with herself, how coward she was. She didn’t know if it was really how she felt toward Acchan, but she knew… it was something about it. She knew… it was something about this feeling… This forbidden feeling… the one she had fear all her life.
And as her heart finally released the truth from the walls she had build around it, she felt her head was going to explode as she realized it was probably too late to make a U-turn and start again…
She sure felt love… but what was love exactly?
***
She was walking for about ten minutes, making circles in the floor. She was waiting to have the permission to enter Akimoto-san’s office. It was finally her reunion with him about the concert. But to her, it was more than that. It was the moment she would talk to him seriously about what he had told her last time. She would talk to him… and make sure everything was fine. She would finally… truly answer to what he had said. She would proved him she could be responsible.
She left the office two hours later. She didn’t say anything to the staff member who was politely talking to her. She completely ignored the fact that the light turned red and almost died as a car turned at one centimetre from her.
She hesitated, wanting to call her best friend to talk to them about this show… or maybe it was just an excuse she was giving herself to hear the voice she liked the most. She didn’t know if… she really felt love toward her… but as she stared at the blue sky, she realized lying would only make her feel bad. She realized… lying would only make her kill her own friend.
She heard a car stopped right before her and flinched at her inattention. Killing herself would not resolve anything. And Acchan would never forgive her… Acchan… She needed to see her. She needed to talk to her… she needed to know if… “love” was the best word to describe her feelings.
But she knew she couldn’t before Tokyo Dome was done. She had… only a few days left to decide what she would tell to Acchan next time she would see her.
***
The second concert was ending and all the girls were on stage, in front of their fans screaming loudly. They were exhausted from their long performance, but at least, it was done. They would have time to take a break soon. Their boss would give them a two-day break after this show. Lights were still flashing everywhere as Yuko started to talk.
“Thank to everyone here! This is already the end!”
The encore was also done. They had performed five songs. They were performing for more than two hours. Yuko talked a bit about AKB48 future projects, but there was nothing really big. No announcement was planned. Sae and Sayaka started to participate to the discussion, improvising a little. They all had fun. Team K, right? The others girls were watching them, encouraging the fans to answer at the same time.
“Coming here is our biggest dream! We want to thank each of you personally, so we announce that there will be a handshake event in two weeks! You will meet everyone who dances on Tokyo Dome stage! SKE48 and NMB48 will be there too!” Sayaka said as the crowd began to scream again.
Takamina was staring at them, smiling. Not only at the three who were speaking, but also at the entire group, at each member of it. Then, her eyes moved to stared at the stage they had performed on. It was magic. Nothing would ever break the fact that they had all reached their dream today. She was so thankful to everyone that she began to cry, making some girls smiled at her. Right now, she knew she wasn’t crying from sadness… she was crying because she wanted to.
She had not talked to Acchan… she had not told her friends about what Akimoto-san had told her… she had not told them about her answer too. She had decided… she needed to keep it secret. But right now… were their last minutes on this huge stage. She saw Akimoto-san looking at her backstage and felt more pressure adding on her shoulders. Was he waiting for her to speak? Was it the reason why he was glancing at her with this intense glance only he could have? She smiled at him and he did the same, nodding slightly, like he was encouraging her. She felt courage growing in her mind and step forward.
She glanced at Miichan,n, who was silently asking her what she was doing. Usually… when Takamina spoke, it meant it was the end of the show. Was it already done? Miichan didn’t want it to finish… it was so fun! And they had no important announcement planned, it could only meant it was the end. She saw her friend trying to tell her something….
“What… are… you… doing?” She read on her lips.
Takamina smiled at Miichan, waving her hand to tell her there was nothing to worry about.
“Everybody!” Takamina screamed after she got the permission from Yuko, Sayaka and Sae to speak.
The fans answered with enthusiast at the leader of the group. It was an obligation: when the leader spoke, everybody had to listen to her.
“Those two concerts had been really fun! We enjoyed being with you a lot and we hoped you all like the show!” She bowed, making the others do the same.
“AKB48 will be thankful to you forever for helping us to reach our dream as a whole family. Before this concert ends, I would like to make an announcement.”
The fans seemed happy. What was it? A new drama? A new song? A new single? A new unit? But the crowd was the only one to think about it. The others members, even though they were all smiling, knew there was nothing like that. There was NO announcement planned! Was it a surprise from Akimoto-san and Takamina? Maybe it was the reason of their recent meeting? It would be logic… Miichan flinched as Takamina turned to her and answered to her question:
“I’m doing something I should have done before.” She said to her, smiling sadly. “I’m taking time to thank everybody here…”
What? Miichan didn’t understand anything… what did she mean by this? It was really the end of the show? Didn’t they have a last song to perform as a surprise to their fans? And suddenly, she understood everything. She understood before everyone else… what was hidden behind this sad smile. She stepped forward, wanting to interrupt her, but it was too late.
“I’m taking time to thank everybody here because… we have still a final song to sing to you. It’s not done yet!”
The crowd cheered, thinking her message was something positive. But as Miichan’s hand was reaching Takamina’s shoulder, the leader of the group said with a serious voice:
“And… this performance … will be my last one as a member of Team A. Tonight, I, Takahashi Minami, will officially graduate from AKB48!”
TBC 
Topic: Pink Vitriol (AtsuMina - COMPLETED) + Sequel - CHAPTER 4 (3/10/2012) (Read 105591 times)