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Author Topic: Hamartia | OS collection | yuuna mogion | chapter 2 'Control' 2/12/2018  (Read 592 times)

Offline Mnetruinedmylife

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It's my first time posting here, so I'm still trying to get the hang of everything, do bear with me if I end up with a few weird errors here and there. It doesn't help that I currently don't have access to a computer and everything is done using my phone. Anyway, this is a collection of short stories with a range of pairings that happen to strike my writing muse.
So far it's just yuunaa and mogion, but I can almost guarantee that Yuiparu, sakuruppi, and yuriannin will turn up at some point, along with a few Majisuka pairings too.


Contents Page
1. Integrity - Yuuna & Mogion Part I
2.Control - Yuuna & Mogion Part II



Note: this first chapter is censored because this forum doesn't allow explicit material, and i don't know how explicit is 'too explicit' so i censored it to be safe. If you like Mogion, you might want to read the uncensored version because they have a very physical relationship in this story, and I feel like I've neutered their section here. For the full uncensored version, visit https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1377919/1.

Chapter 1: Integrity | yuunaa & mogion

The dressing rooms of the AKB48 theatres are known to be loud and bustling places.

With girls wandering around in various states of undress, hurryingly preparing for the next stage, or perhaps lazing about while waiting for time to pass. Sometimes it's a place of utmost privacy, with members in the past like Oshima Yuko parading around in naught but their underwear (and sometimes even less so), other times it's filled with cautious girls pretending to be caught unawares by the 'hidden' cameras and pranks. 'Hidden', because really, they can play pranks in the waiting room, but putting cameras hidden into the dressing room of adolescent girls is a most likely a recipe for getting arrested and charged on multiple accounts.

One late night sees the dressing room in neither of these states, but rather silent and devoid of much movement. The only exception being the rustling by a rack of Jabaja outfits.

"C'mon Yuiri, you're not fooling anyone anymore. Everyone knows already," Shinozaki Ayana's voice tinged with disbelief echoes around the empty dressing room.

Most of their friends and fellow team members have already left for home, leaving just the two of them straggling behind, as Yuiri had wanted to get some extra practice in before a performance the following week.

Murayama Yuiri, for her part, is just completely exasperated with Ayanan's insinuations, "I don't know what you think you know, but whatever it is, it's wrong."

"Yuiri, we're from the same generation. I probably know you the best -- well, probably not as well as Nana, but that's a special case if you know what I mean," Ayana finishes her sentence with a suggestive wag of her eyebrows, which earns her a scowl and punch in the arm from the other girl.

"--no I do not," Yuiri interjects, probably automatically at this point as she doesn't even take her eyes off the costume that she's placing back into the dust covers.

"Really," Ayana begins flatly, "Everyone knows you and Naa-chan are dating at this point. You denying it so frequently just makes us believe it more."

Yuiri finishes placing her costume back onto the rack before turning to face her friend, "Well I don't know what to tell you except I deny it because it's not true. Naa-chan and I are a hundred percent NOT dating. Trust me, if we were, I think I'd know."

"But you guys go out on fancy dates -- "

"-- it's just dinner!" Yuiri interrupts with a well rehearsed answer. Well rehearsed because she's had to defend that bloody dinner 'date' one too many times. She completely regrets telling anyone about it.

"--that she pays for you," Ayana points out.

"One time!"

"-- and she paid for your movie tickets."

"Again, one time! In fact, that was the same day, and I paid for popcorn and drinks."

"-- and you two have matching heart necklaces," Ayana finishes, steam rolling over any and all of Yuiri's pitiful protests.

"Necklaces that Nana bought for our friendship. You know, when I was helping her out because she was having a rough time. We talked about that on air for gods sake."

"You guys went to the Halloween broadcast in matching costumes," Ayana says in an absolutely deadpan tone.

"So? You were planning to match with me."

"But I couldn't, because you were already matching with Nana. With costumes that she bought by the way. Good job of snatching yourself a rich girl--

"-- oh my god drop it Ayana!"

Ayana does let the subject slide, probably purely out of self preservation instincts as Yuiri was looking more and more homicidal as the conversation went on, but not before a final, "...fine. But I still think you two are dating."

Yuiri marches for the theatre door and doesn't even glance behind her when she throws back, "Think whatever you like because we're not."

****

Everyone thinks that Murayama Yuiri and Okada Nana are dating.

Their friends start comparing 'Yuunaa stories' on showroom of all places, but the two of them are adamantly denying it. Because well, it's not true. They're not dating. Simple as that.

Everything that they 'do' according to their friends, is nothing more than friendship. They support each other yes, they meet up outside work hours for meals, they watch movies, and sometimes sleepover one another's places -- everything is inocuously as nothing more than friends. Sometimes Yuiri would really like to hammer her friends (particularly Ayanan and Saki) in the head until the fact sinks in. She and Nana are just friends.

The vibration by her left thigh draws Yuiri out of her reverie and she pulls her thoughts back to the present as she reaches for her ringing phone. The caller ID flashes across the screen. Huh, speaking of the devil. She wonders what Nana could possibly be calling about at this time, because she's quite sure that her junior is in the middle of a shoot.

"Moshi moshi?"

"Yuu-chan."

One word and Yuiri can already tell that this is a bad day. Naa-chan's hyperglycemia has a huge mental component, it is part of an eating disorder after all, and some days are worse than others. Naa-chan sounds on the verge of a panic attack, so it's up to Yuiri to keep calm. She maintains a level voice and hopes that it's enough to keep Nana's anxiety from spiking any further.

"Naa-chan, do you need me to come to you?"

"No, no I'm in the middle of a shoot," Nana says quickly, her words running together like she hasn't had time to take a proper breath.

"If you're sure? Well if you change your mind, I can pop over quickly, it's no trouble," she offers her help, and leaves it entirely up to Nana, because it's important that Nana has a choice. Control is an important component of a lot of mental disorders, and while Yuiri is no professional, she is quick to learn.

"I just...I need to..."

"Alright, listen to my voice. You can do that okay. Just close your eyes and listen to me. Brethe deeply, in...and out. In and out alright?"

"Okay...okay."

"Good, good, you're doing good," and Yuiri starts to ramble on about nothing in particular, mostly her day -- leaving out the parts where Ayanan was insinuating things again, that's the last thing Nana needs right now.

Eventually Nana's breathing starts to even out, and she replies to Yuiri's nonsense.

"All good?"

"Yeah, better. Thank you Yuu-chan."

"Of course, I told you, no need to thank me. So what set it off?"

"It's stupid."

"It's not," Yuiri counters immediately, "You know it's better for you if you pinpoint the reason."

"...Might've eaten too much of the catering during the break and panicked about not being able to fit into my costume. Told you it's --

"-- not stupid," Yuiri says firmly, and she's about to say something else because she can feel Nana about to argue with her, but then there's a rustle on the otherside, and some loud voices in the background. Probably the director Yuiri thinks, which probably means it's time for Nana to go.

"I gotta go. Thank you again Yuu-chan. What do i do without you."

"Okay, come to my house when you're done."

"Don't you have a job tomorrow? I don't want to impose."

"Come to my house tonight or I'll hunt you down and drag you back, and then that would be an imposition," Yuiri says and doesn't give Nana any time to come up with an excuse because she hangs up. Sometimes the only way to deal with Nana's self flagellation is to just be equally stubborn.

So no, despite how it may appear to others, Yuiri and Nana are not dating.

Does Yuiri wish they are?

Well...that's a different story altogether.

****

When Nana steps through Yuiri's apartment later that night, she collapses onto the couch, and Yuiri herself is over there within seconds, arms thrown around Nana, who clings onto her like a lifeline. Yuiri runs her hands through the soft locks of Nana's hair, and rubs soothing circles around her back.

She wishes she can do more to make Nana feel better. Yes, she wishes that they are dating. Because then perhaps she'll be allowed to cross that boundary to make Nana feel just a bit better. She wishes they're dating so she can kiss those worries away. She wishes they're dating so that perhaps her assurances might carry more weight when they reach Nana's ears, then perhaps Nana might believe them. She wishes they are dating so that this doesn't feel so taboo.

So why aren't they dating?

Well, it's not for lack of reciprocation. That much is all over Nana's face, which doesn't even factor in her words or her behaviour.

Nana's calmed down by now, and she's staring up at Yuiri with that look in her eyes again -- the one filled with reckless want, the one where her eyes are lidded and red with fresh tears, and her gaze heavy and directed at Yuiri's lips, and Yuiri smoothly maneouvures herself out of Nana's grasp and off the couch.

"Do you want a drink? I'll get some tea," she flees to the kitchen. Her body's tingling, every place that Nana touches is on fire, her face is probably red, and her heart sounds like thunder in her ears.

Yuiri isn't strong like Nana. She doesn't have the willpower to resist. Any longer and she might've leaned down to kiss her, and that crosses the thin line that they've been dancing around for years. Nana might think she's weak, but she's stronger than Yuiri ever will be when it comes to this. There's a reason why Yuiri plays 'Tsundere' everytime they're on camera, it's because she's too blatantly obvious if she doesn't. She's not strong enough to dance so close to temptation. Boy is temptation oh so tantalizingly sweet. When Naa-chan's warm in her arms, and murmuring 'I love yous' in her ears, Yuiri wants to say 'fuck it' to the love ban and kiss her senseless.

But Nana is strong.

"It's okay to love, you can't control your feelings. Just don't act on it," she says. Nana always did have an interesting way of getting around the love ban.

They aren't allowed to date. So they don't. Because Nana loves her career, loves the group, and Yuiri loves Nana, and so she stays strong for her. They spend time together, share their hopes, their fears, their dreams, and their troubles, they bare their hearts and souls to each other, but only ever in words. Words are all they share, because they can't do anymore, and it infuriates Yuiri whenever a fellow member suggests otherwise. Because Yuiri would love to take Nana in her arms, and have her in truly everyway possible, but she can't. Yes, they're 'practically dating', close to it, but they're not, and Yuiri will punch out the next idiot who claims they're breaking the rules when she's tearing herself apart trying to abide by them.

Sometimes she imagines what it's like to kiss Nana. Will she taste as sweet as she smells? Will her lips be smooth, or soft, or slightly chapped? Will her skin feel like silky fire under Yuiri's fingers? Will she cry loudly, or muffle her whimpers as she comes undone beneath her? Yuiri wants to know, oh she burns to know.

When Nana presses her forehead against Yuiri's, eyes closed, and breathing in sync, bathing her scent all over Yuiri while whispering 'I love you' under her breath, Yuiri can almost trick herself into believing it's enough. It has to be for now.

It's not.

Yuiri breaks away first. She always does, because she's weak. Because Nana's scent, Nana's...Nana overwhelms her, and she knows she'll succumb to their emotions if she doesn't. It's unbelievably frustrating when the others make light of what she so longingly yearns for. What Nana takes oh so very seriously. They're members of AKB48. They're not allowed to date. So they don't. Because Nana sets herself up as an example for the juniors to follow, and Yuiri won't take that from her. She just wishes everyone else would stop.

The only two who don't are Mogi Shinobu and Mukaichi Mion. Probably because they're in the exact same boat...Sort of. The self proclaimed official couple of AKB approaches Yuiri and Nana shortly after that 'lovey dovey' AKbingo episode they shot, featuring their so-called couple moments. Evidently Mogi and Mion saw something between them and reached out. There's a mutual understanding between the four of them. Two pairs in love, but not able, or perhaps no willing to do anything about it.

Mogi doesn't know how Nana and Yuiri do it.

How they shower each other in emotional affection, in kissless declarations of love, and silent understanding, all the while reigning their baser instincts in. Mogi knows she and Mion can't do that. So they don't -- their's is an entirely different dance, around a different type of boundary.

Mion slides beneath the sheets to join her, and then Mogi is a little too busy kissing her to do anymore semi-emotional pondering. Mion is rough today, all teeth and nails clawing at her back. There's an explicit sense of frustration eminating from theyounger girl today, and Mogi knows exactly what to do to alleviate that. As she kisses back, teeth biting down on Mion's bottom lip, she wonders what happened to get Mion so riled up. Perhaps the shoot didn't go as well as she wanted? Mion never did like doing photo ops.

Mogi's breath hitches, and she nearly flinches when a set of teeth latches against the pulse point on her neck. A hand on her shoulder keeps her down, as Mion's weight presses down on top of her, a thigh settling between her own has lightning shooting up her spine. Yup, someone really pissed Mion off today. Mogi wonders who she has to thank for this, as she snakes a hand up Mion's shirt, grinning in satisfaction when the younger girl lets out a strangled gasp. Satisfaction exhuding from her almost smugly as Mion whimpers and the hands around her back clench tighter. The elder girl shivers as a flash of pleasure floods through her when Mion presses her knees down on either side of Mogi's thigh and lowers herself down.

Mogi breathes in the site of Mion sitting a top of her, eyes screwed shut, whines leaving her throat. It's intoxicating the way Mion's breath hitches from the pleasure that she derives from Mogi's body. Evidently it's not enough though because her rhythym is off, and her hands clench into fists in frustration.

"Mogi," Mion whines.

And Mogi's teeth bearing smile widens, "I know," without another word exchaned between them, Mogi places either hand on Mion's shoulders and levers herself up, pushing Mion's back into her bed, as she settles between the younger girl's legs, she chances a glance up, and sure enough, Mion is looking at her with a gaze that could melt diamond, with her lower lip caught between her teeth. Mogi finds her mouth quirking into a smirk at the sight. A moment passes between them, almost like they're caught in a spell, unable to move, unable or perhaps unwilling to look away.

Mion caves first, as she always does, and seizes Mogi's right hand, dragging it towards her, and Mogi complies. She never gets tired of this, of watching the way Mion gasps, and groans, the way her hands curl into the sheets, the way her eyes roll into the back of her head she she comes apart underneath Mogi, whimpering all the while as Mogi helps her ride through it all. When at last, Mion's breathing slows back down, Mogi lays down next to Mion, pulling the younger girl so that her back is pressed against Mogi's front.

Mogi thinks 'I love you', and perhaps Mion thinks it back, but they don't say a word. They never do.

There's a love ban within AKB, and well, technically Mogi and Mion aren't in love. How could they be when they've never actually talked to each other beyond work and casual outings?  Speaking aloud makes it real, and they're not allowed to be real.

Mogi doesn't know how Yuiri and Nana let their words flow freely, but deny themselves the taste of each other's lips. Mogi used to think she and Mion decided on the better arrangement.

In the beginning, they'd sparked a passion that burned like a raging forest fire. Unquenchable, always hungering for more, they could barely keep their hands off each other in public, let alone when behind closed doors.

But the years have calmed it down to a manageable simmer, and neither of them felt the need to be in such constant close proximity - instead there's another desire that emerges. Because suddenly the silent confessions, aren't enough anymore. Mogi wants something tangible, something she can hear and remember. She wants the words to fall from Mion's lips as freely as her sighs do.

After six years, Mogi needs to hear the words come out of Mion's mouth. Hell, the words are threatening to burst out from her own. Because after all of these years, the silence is deafening and Mogi wants nothing more than to break it.

Nana and Yuiri are all over each other during the Instagram live. Mogi watches them fondly from the corner of her eyes, they're like magnets, opposites that are uncontrollably, constantly drawn to each other, like she and Mion were in the early days. Except they've gone on totally opposite trajectories, for Nana and Yuiri have probably never touched each other beyond what theyre doing on camera right now. For Mogi, it's enough that Mion is by her side, close enough to touch, the memories of those soft hands forever imprinted in her mind. But it's another distance that seems insurmountable - the one that Nana and Yuiri makes it look so easy.

"What do you want for your birthday?" Mion asks Nana.

Who then replies with a cheeky, "I want love." Obviously directed at Yuiri only.

And it's the usual for the two of them, but it pierces like an arrow through Mogi's chest, because those are the words Mogi so desperately needs to say, but doesn't. Because Mion is in senbatsu and receiving a lot of jobs and exposure. She's getting a major push and anything else would complicate that. So Mogi bites her tongue, and contents herself by feeling the thrum of Mion's heart beating against her chest.

There's a poetic tragedy in here somwhere, about four people, two pairs in love, but kept torn apart by powers beyond their control. By expectations to fufil the wishful fantasies of others.

Or perhaps just four idiots stubbornly suffering in a misery of their own making. After all, it's not like other members haven't dated, most in much riskier positions than they are, meeting up with men. It's integrity that keeps them from acting on their emotions. Combined with a love for the group, and a particular idea of what it means to be part of it.

And if that particular idea changes, then maybe, just maybe, someone might take the first step. Or mayhaps no idea need to be changed, and things will keep going as they are, until someone breaks or crumbles.

*****

Feel free to throw comments, suggestions, and criticisms down below. I welcome discussion

« Last Edit: December 02, 2018, 12:39:49 PM by Mnetruinedmylife »

Offline kuro_808

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Re: Hamartia | OS collection | yuuna mogion | chapter 1 'Integrity' 26/11/2018
« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2018, 12:57:57 AM »
I can see what you're talking about and I thank you for that... you can read the rules in this thread

My only piece of advice is to write the pairings maybe in separate chapters where you can transit over to another although I'm hoping there is a common goal to it as with this first chapter is mainly YuuNaa where you have Mogi there but no connection to the following with why you have Mogi there. It feels like two in one where neither is with each other at a point :nervous
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Offline Mnetruinedmylife

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Re: Hamartia | OS collection | yuuna mogion | chapter 1 'Integrity' 26/11/2018
« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2018, 01:55:42 AM »
I My only piece of advice is to write the pairings maybe in separate chapters where you can transit over to another although I'm hoping there is a common goal to it as with this first chapter is mainly YuuNaa where you have Mogi there but no connection to the following with why you have Mogi there. It feels like two in one where neither is with each other at a point

Yeah the two couples don't interact much in this chapter, but the point of including them together is to compare and contrast their dynamics. They have completely polar opposite problems, and the overall narrative is kind of to compare them. It seems mostly Yuuna because i had to cut most of Mogion due to the rules. the Mogion part doesn't have as much impact if you don't also read it with the Yuuna. The two will get more intertwined in the next chapter when they're actually all interacting.
Thanks for the feedback though, and I hope you enjoyed reading  :D

Offline Haruko

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Re: Hamartia | OS collection | yuuna mogion | chapter 1 'Integrity' 26/11/2018
« Reply #3 on: November 26, 2018, 06:13:50 PM »
We really needs this fic! Thank you. Write my opinion in the official version :)
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Re: Hamartia | OS collection | yuuna mogion | chapter 1 'Integrity' 26/11/2018
« Reply #4 on: November 26, 2018, 06:28:17 PM »
I My only piece of advice is to write the pairings maybe in separate chapters where you can transit over to another although I'm hoping there is a common goal to it as with this first chapter is mainly YuuNaa where you have Mogi there but no connection to the following with why you have Mogi there. It feels like two in one where neither is with each other at a point

Yeah the two couples don't interact much in this chapter, but the point of including them together is to compare and contrast their dynamics. They have completely polar opposite problems, and the overall narrative is kind of to compare them. It seems mostly Yuuna because i had to cut most of Mogion due to the rules. the Mogion part doesn't have as much impact if you don't also read it with the Yuuna. The two will get more intertwined in the next chapter when they're actually all interacting.
Thanks for the feedback though, and I hope you enjoyed reading  :D

I also did read the uncensored version and the advice still stands. The reasoning is more to show a contrast and you can delve into the pairings a bit more in separate chapters rather than having no link between the two :panic: :nervous
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Offline Mnetruinedmylife

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Re: Hamartia | OS collection | yuuna mogion | chapter 2 'Control' 2/12/2018
« Reply #5 on: December 02, 2018, 12:32:43 PM »
I’ve had this chapter scrawled out over multiple random scraps of paper, and on the noteapp of my phone for a few days now – but I’m finally back home and with access to my lovely laptop, and so I can type it out properly, yay!



Control

If there’s one thing Mion prides herself in, it’s the amount of control she has.

For a teenager, she’s a strange anomaly in that she always has some semblance of an idea as to what she’s feeling and why. It doesn’t seem like much at first, but amongst hundreds of hormone ridden pubescent girls, it’s the one thing that gives her an edge. It’s this smidgen of emotional certainty that allows her to be confident in going after what she wants.

If she wants something, then she’d put her all in figuring out how to make it a reality. Getting into AKB, landing acting roles in movies, getting into Mogi-san’s pants, ranking in the sousenkyo – Mion is quite adept at getting what she wants. In her opinion, the only thing one really needs to do is stand firm, feet dug in, and not give up until the desired thing rolls into grasp.

Initially it’s innocent enough, when Mion first meets Mogi, she’s kind of terrified.

The older girl makes her nervous, she averts her eyes on instinct and looks down at the wooden floorboards when she notices Mogi’s wandering eyes fall on her. She easily pinpoints the nerve-wracking fluttering feelings in her gut immediately – attraction. She likes Mogi. She likes her senpai’s eyes, her smirk, her smile, her height, her jawline, her well…everything, Mion take one look and decides ‘I like’.

Judging by the way Mogi’s scrutinizing stare seems to peel back her walls and peer into her very soul, Mogi has at least some modicum of interest. Good. It’s so much more reassuring when it’s reciprocated. Now she just needs to get Mogi’s attention. Not her wandering glances, or her curious once-overs, she wants Mogi’s utmost undivided attention, and she may have an inkling or two about how to get it.

During the interlude of their stage, Ayana follows the usual script and asks the newbies what they think of their senpais. There are the usual answers of admiration and respect for the big names like Oshima Yuko and Maeda Atsuko, a few aspirations to be like Takamina and Mayuyu, and then some comments about how hard working members like Paruru and Yuihan are.

Then Mion blurts out, “I’m afraid of Mogi-san,” with an impish giggle, and predictably, Mogi steps out of line looking a little indignant.

“Why? I’m not scary!”

The taller girl turns her full attention on Mion, those sharp eyes smiling down t her questioningly, “Why..?”

“Okay, you’re not…” Mion concedes teasingly as Mogi sends her a playful version of a death glare, and Mion is quick to exclaim, “I’m scared!”

Ayana quickly regains control of the interlude before they monopolise it too much, and says, “Mogi don’t tease Mion-chan,” and moves on with the MC script.

Mogi hasn’t taken her eyes off of Mion since her first outburst, and while it’s what she wants, it still makes her jittery. It’s the good kind of jitters though, tinged with a pleased shy satisfaction that one gets when their crush is paying attention to them.

“Mion-chan, let’s try to be good friends, okay?” Mogi offers, and Mion can’t help the elated grin that stretches from ear to ear on her face.

“Okay.”

Of course, when she has Mogi’s attention, Mogi starts to needle her on stage more. Single her out for teasing, and Mion is one part insanely thrilled, and two parts embarrassed to hell because Mogi can be ridiculously cheesy.

“Mion-tan is pretty,” Mogi declares, and Mion fights the urge to hide her heated up cheeks.

Hikari-san doesn’t help when she encourages Mogi, “What colour suits Mion-tan?”

Mogi makes a show of peering over the lineup and looking Mion up and down before claiming, “Mion-tan is cute with any colour.”

And yup, Mion is definitely red, as an uncontrollable giggle erupts from her throat.

“How cute,” Mogi coos, and that appears to be the breaking point for her peers, because Yuiri slaps Mogi on the arm and demands, “What’s the matter with you?”

“I’m sorry, she’s just so cute,” Mogi says apologetically, “I got fished.”

Mion realises then and there that her initial ‘I like’, is definitely ‘I want’ right now.

Mogi isn’t just pretty to look at. She’s charming, and kind, and she dotes on Mion and is it a wonder that Mion wants her?

********

They’re teenagers, and they’re attracted to each other.

Mion might have great control in identifying her emotions – actually controlling them…well…in her defence she is still a hormonal adolescent, and Mogi isn’t any better. There’s only so many ways that a night at a hotel can go.

When it’s all said and done, Mion’s jellified legs collapse against the side of the bath tub, her hands grip the edge, knuckles white and trembling as she struggles to catch her breath, heart thundering in her ears. She feels strangely empty, vulnerable, exposed – and for the first time, Mion thinks that maybe her single-minded zealousness for pursuing what she wants might not be such a good idea. When she stumbles out of the bathroom, freshly showered, but somehow feeling dirtier than ever, she’s not quite sure what to do.

Does she stay? Is she welcome to stay? Is that a thing? Mogi had left the bathroom rather quickly when they were done, and maybe she doesn’t want Mion to stay? Where should she go though? And as her thoughts spin around and round, her heart feels lodged in her throat and –

“Hey, what are you doing all the way over there?” Mogi’s smiling at her from the bed, and almost like magic, Mion feels her chest relax, tension evaporates from her shoulders as she ambles over to the bed, bare feet padding along the carpet.

She’s barely within arm’s reach of the bed when Mogi pulls her in, throwing the duvet over her.

“Jesus you’re shaking. Shit. Mion what’s wrong?”

Belatedly Mion realises that she’s crying, and she’s got no idea why. Everything feels off. For some reason she’s scared, and disconsolate, and why does everything seem so heavy?

“Hey hey, you’re okay. I got you, you’re okay,” Mogi’s hands seem to spark tingles as they run over her arms repeatedly, and every stroke calms her down, slows her heartbeat and soothes her inexplicably anxious thoughts.

Mion snuggles into Mogi, who is warm and very much cuddly as arms wrap around and pull her close, and Mion feels safe, wanted, and a little silly.

“Sorry I…I don’t know what happened, I just…” Mion trails off because she has no idea what just happened.

“Feel sad? Angry? Afraid?” Mogi asks, hitting the nail on the head, and Mion starts in surprise.

“Yeah, how did you-?”

“It happens sometimes, you’ll be alright,” Mogi says gently, tracing patterns into the skin of Mion’s thigh, “Can’t remember what it’s called, but basically you just feel weirdly sad or angry after sex. Happens to most people at least once in their life.”

“Oh,” Mion’s relieved to hear an explanation. She’s not used to not knowing what she’s feeling.

“One of those things they don’t teach in sex-ed,” Mogi says wryly.

“They don’t teach a lot of things in sex-ed,” Mion smirks against Mogi’s chest, and she can feel the rumble as Mogi laughs.

“Am I a good teacher?”

“The best.”

It’s the first time Mion loses control – and that kind of sets the tone for her relationship with Mogi – intense, confusing, inexplicable, and completely out of her control, yet at the same time, warm, comforting, and completely as natural as breathing.

********

It’s after a late night at the theatre, when Mion is so damn tired, her legs feel like lead and probably about to drop off, that Mion realises she’s doomed.

Mion crashes onto a bench in the dressing room. Sweat drenched hair clinging onto her face, breathing still laboured, and she might be seeing double. Or perhaps the room is just spinning. But she’s the youngest – the most junior in terms of the AKB hierarchy, being from the 15th generation and all, and thus is last on the roster for showers. So she might as well just lie down and take a nap while everyone else – whoa, okay, now the room is really spinning, and that’s no good, and why does it feel like she’s being lifted up?

“Huh? Mogi…san?” she belatedly adds the honorific, remembering that they are still in a somewhat semi-public area, “What are you doing?”

Because Mogi is half dragging, half carrying her arse off the (not very) comfy bench, and Mion would very much like to die there.

“Shower time,” Mogi announces.

“It’s not my turn –

“—no, it’s my turn, and you’re coming with me,” Mogi says in a matter-of-fact voice. Like the sky is blue, Paruru is salty, and Mion is showering with Mogi.

There’s nothing untoward about this shower. They’re both exhausted and they’re literally just cleaning themselves, but for reason it’s then and there, in this completely unsexy moment when they’re washing off all the sweat and dirt and grime built up from the day – that Mion realises, fuck, that ‘I want’ has somehow become ‘I love’, and fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

She’s in love with Mogi Shinobu. She’s in love with her senpai. She’s in love with her fuck buddy. Fuck could she be any more of a shitty romance novel cliché?

********

Mion is normally out like a light when they’ve finished. She’s not exactly known for her stamina, but sleep is the furthest thing from her mind at the moment.

As she lies there, naked and cuddled against an equally nude Mogi, Mion has one line of thought running through her head like a mantra.

‘I love Mogi. I love Mogi. Oh god I love Mogi. I can’t love Mogi. What the hell. Am I insane –

“I can hear you thinking,” Mogi’s voice jolts Mion out of her internal panic, and perhaps out to an external panic – before she realises that Mogi is being abstract, and there’s no way she can actually hear Mion’s thoughts.

“It’s nothing. Just too worked up to sleep.”

“I can help with that,” Mogi says before sliding a hand down between Mion’s legs, and then Mion is too busy to think.

She does sleep rather well after that. Still doesn’t make her problem go away though.

The problem is that Mion’s finally run into something that she can’t out-stubborn. She knows very well that it doesn’t matter how resolute, or patient, or enduring one is – it’s impossible to make someone love you if they already don’t. And that terrifies Mion. Because finally, there’s something that Mion would give anything to have, and it’s entirely out of her control.

********

It’s not until they’re preparing for their stage at the Eve wa Adam no Abarabone concert that Mion finally figures out what to do.

For some reason, Koasa Shunputei, the setlist director, really wanted to see Mogi and Mion perform together, and they’re all too happy to oblige. Neither of them get many opportunities for duet stages, and so they enthusiastically agree. Mion doesn’t think much except ‘I need to memorise the lyrics’ when told that they’ll be performing Kinjirareta Futari.

Then they’re rehearsing the lyrics to each other, and it hurts.

It almost physically feels painful to be singing this song with Mogi, and just why the hell did Koasa-san want to see them (and very specifically the two of them) perform this?

As if I threw a pebble into a lake,

My heart ripples in the water,

I don’t want anyone else,

Is this wrong?


She wonders if Mogi can tell that Mion is singing this to her? Wonders if the words on the page ring a little too true to her as it did for Mion. Or perhaps it’s just words for her, and Mogi is just performing a song like she’s supposed to? The thought makes her sick to her stomach.

And if I hadn’t been born like a woman,

We wouldn’t have to be apart.


And perhaps it’s wishful thinking on her part, but why does it feel like Mogi is also singing to her? God, she’s starting to become delusional. It’s one part a relief, one part bittersweet, and one part pure agony for Mion to sing, “I love you,” to Mogi, knowing that to the elder girl, Mion is just singing lyrics off a sheet of paper.

It feels like Mogi reaches into her chest and tears out her raw beating heart when she finishes the last verse with:

So let’s leave in the lake’s boat,

And if we get tired of rowing,

Sleep in my arms. Because in this dream,

We can love each other forever.


The song fades into the background, but all Mion can hear is static, and it takes her a moment to realise she’s crying – and oh shit, she can’t be crying – and Mogi is in front of her, a thumb wipes away at her tear stained cheeks, and Mogi’s eyes are red, and in that moment the noise disappears, and it’s just them. A silent understanding passes between them. It can’t be said, but they understand.

“Whoa! That was intense. Good job, but you two need to dial it back a few notches for the performance. Sadness is good, but tears will unbalance your voices,” Koasa says, killing any emotion left in the room.

“Right, yes,” Mion quickly wipes her eyes, “Got carried away.”

They rein it in during the actual stage. In fact, they rein it in so much that they’re then told it looks too robotic. Like they were just going through the motions, and unfeelingly following the choreography and repeating the lyrics.

Well, it was either that or break down entirely because that song hurts too much to perform. The emotions hit too close to home, feel too raw, and Mion refuses to do it again.

If one good thing came from it though, it’s that at least now she knows Mogi is on the same wavelength as she is. They have each other, and that’s enough to get through anything. Kinjirareta Futari makes Mogi and Mion’s relationship. Highlights and reveals their hidden feelings to each other, and cements it into what it is. Gives them control over a budding relationship that could’ve dissolved into a hot mess.


On the other hand, Oshibe to Meshibe to yoru no chouchou breaks Yuiri and Nana, and sends their seemingly stable relationship spiralling entirely off its axis.

Nana has always been ruled by her emotions. It’s a constant battle to prevent them from controlling her every action, a struggle that almost seems impossibly uphill at times. A little unnatural, like fighting herself. Understandably, sometimes, just sometimes, she just wants to give in.

When one of the theatre managers, Hosoi Takahiro approaches Nana about a performance for the Seijin concert, Nana is happy to agree with whatever. After all, it’s a great opportunity to have a solo, or even a unit stage in concerts, especially ones with confirmed DVD releases.

“It’s a duet performance,” he says and Nana is even happier about being able to choose her partner.

She picks Yuiri without a second thought, because who else would she do a duet with? Well…she supposes there’s always Megu and Mako-chan, but Mako has enough on her plate lately, and she just really wants to do a stage with Yuiri.

“You’ve got to make it unique. Many units have done this stage before,” Takahiro is saying, “You’ve got to make it fresh.”

Nana nods seriously, she’s always been up for the challenge of making old stages new. At this point it might as well be their calling card since AKB hasn’t had a new set list in…well a while.

“Of course, whatever it takes.”

He nods in approval, “I knew I count on you. We were talking about incorporating something controversial at the end of the performance.”

That gives Nana a pause, “Controversial?” she supposes her image thus far was not exactly quite ‘controversial free’, with the break and the documentary and the...fondness for women, but in general, it’s rather conventional controversy free, and she’d rather keep it that way.

“Oh nothing we haven’t done before,” Takahiro says dismissively, “Just not to this extent. Like, usually, we shut the lights off at the end of Oshi Meshi, so this time we keep the lights on and show whatever skit you two decide to do in full lighting. Something like that.”

“Oh okay,” Nana agrees almost on instinct.

A second passes.

Then it sinks in.

“Wait, I’m performing Oshibe to Meshibe?”

Nana doesn’t have a problem with performing Oshibe to Meshibe, in fact, she’s always wanted to perform that song. No, the problem is Yuiri probably won’t want to do it, and Nana just volunteered her.

Oops.

After she made a promise to ‘spice it up’ too.

Double oops.

Yuu-chan is going to kill her.
********

“Alright let’s do it,” Yuiri says when Nana brings it up over the next lunch they have.

“Wait, really?”

That isn’t what she expects.

“Yeah,” Yuiri says, taking a nonchalant sip from her latte.

Nana blinks, trying to decipher Yuiri’s rather blank-looking face, “…you want to do this?” she clarifies again to be sure.

“It’s a good opportunity. A duet stage at a DVD concert like this doesn’t come by very often,” Yuiri reasons, and Nana still can’t read a single emotion on her face.

That’s a worrying sign.

********

“I don’t like the performances of Oshi Meshi,” Yuiri admits when they’re in the midst of studying their senpai’s past stages. After all, you’ve got to know what’s been done in order to do differently.

“We don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. I’m sure Takahiro-san won’t mind if we do another song instead,” Nana says immediately. She never wants Yuiri to feel like she has to do something she doesn’t want to. Their careers have a little too much of that intertwined already.

“No, I don’t mind the song. It’s just…all the performances so far have been…weird,” Yuiri says slowly, as if trying to find the right words to use, “They either treat it as a joke, or it feels like one person is taking advantage of the other ‘innocent’ one. I don’t like it.”

Nana considers it for a moment, and can easily see what Yuiri is talking about. She kind of figures it’s just the way the song is, but she supposes they’re supposed to make it fresh, why not change it then? “Well that’s an easy problem, we just do it our way.”

The dance steps essentially stay the same, but the way they execute them changes everything. Nana deliberately makes her advances less forceful, more coy than aggressive, and Yuiri responds with more eagerness and less terrified fear. The results make the number look more like a back and forth waltz, push and pull, both wanting, both nervous, neither afraid, and Nana is quite satisfied with it.

Takahiro is too – only he has another suggestion to throw in.

“You two should kiss on stage!” he exclaims after studying their rehearsal stage, “Yes, yes! Yuunaa – the popular couple performing Oshi Meshi and sealing it with a spotlighted kiss!”

********

It’s early-morning-O’clock and Nana and Yuiri are the only two left in the theatre. Both sitting on the ground, backs on the mirror, silent with a million thoughts running through their minds.

“We don’t have to – ” Nana begins at about the same time as Yuiri says, “We should really – ”

“—do it,” they finish in unison.

Nana has to chuckle and even Yuiri cracks a smile. Sometimes they’re in sync, even when they’re not. Their amusement fades fast though. Because the situation is just as ridiculous as it was a minute ago, as it was hours ago when manager Takahiro springs that lovely idea onto them after an otherwise great rehearsal. The sheer amount of hypocritical double standard in this performance is so far beyond funny, it’s actually kind of humorous. In a depressing black comedy kind of way.

They aren’t allowed to date, both management and fans would rake them over the coals for it, but singing love songs to each other and kissing each other on stage is not only perfectly acceptable, but encouraged. What kind of…Nana doesn’t have words to describe the absurdity of it all.

Yuiri is the one who breaks the silence, “I don’t want to kiss you on stage. In front of all those people.”

They’re essentially masters of conveying more behind their words at this point, and Nana reads what Yuiri is asking for loud and clear. It’s the first time Yuiri has ever asked anything of that nature from her, and Nana is conflicted.

On one hand, they’re not allowed, Nana herself has said that the reason the 48 Group have been unable to move forward is because of all the scandals – she has no right to indulge in this. But on the other…it’s Yuiri. Yuiri who holds her together while she breaks, Yuiri who listens without judgement, Yuiri whose very presence both calms Nana down and makes her heart race, and her palms sweaty, and awakens those fluttery cliché butterflies in her stomach. Yuiri who has done everything for her, and asks nothing in return.

Yuiri who has never asked Nana anything before. Yuiri who understands Nana enough to never ask.

Until now.

The conflict probably shows on Nana’s face, and Yuiri’s eyes cast down, guilt passing through her expression, “Sorry. I – sorry.”

It stabs at Nana’s chest, because she’s the idiot that put it there. And in that moment Nana doesn’t care about the group, she forgets about the rules and their rules, and all she wants to do is take the pain from those eyes, and wipe any hint of doubt away. Because Yuiri should not be feeling guilty for asking for something so simple. Something that everyone should be allowed to have.

“Don’t be sorry,” Nana says, a hand cradling the side of Yuiri’s cheek, tilting it so that Nana can see her eyes, “I love you.”

It physically hurts to see the resignation settle upon the other girl’s face, like she’d already seen this coming, and is steeling herself for the disappointment, and the last of Nana’s fortitude vanishes because she’s not that kind of person. She can’t keep hurting Yuiri like this, she can’t anymore. So she doesn’t.

“Yuu-chan,” her voice trembles a little, and she can see the curiosity flare up in Yuiri’s eyes.

“Yes Naa-chan?”

“Can I kiss you?”

She can feel Yuiri freeze up. Literally. As in her jaw muscles lock up underneath Nana’s hand. She supposes it’s a bit of a shock. It’s actually a little sad, how much of a shock such a simple request from someone you love can be. Speaks volumes for their relationship really.

Yuiri is looking for something – perhaps trying to figure out if Nana is serious, and Nana is very much serious. So she decides to prove it by leaning in –

“N-No,” comes Yuiri’s shaky and choked reply.

Nana stops, blinking as the answer registers in her brain, “What?”

“I said no,” Yuiri says softly but firmly, while gently disengaging herself from Nana’s hold.

“But I thought…” Nana for her part is entirely bewildered and unsure of what exactly is happening, “You asked…” had she been reading the whole situation that wrongly? Yuiri had asked her first, she’d been a hundred percent sure of it.

“I asked, yes,” Yuiri admits, and Nana is relieved that she’s not that off base, but is no less confused.

“…then why-?”

“You said no, and then you had a moment of weakness. You’ll regret it if you do,” Yuiri explains with a shrug.

“No I won’t,” Nana denies immediately.

“I know how important the group is to you. How important your word is, and if I let you break it, you’ll regret it.”

“Never,” Nana states adamantly, “Not when it comes to you. I’ll never regret you.”

“Answer’s still no. You can have your moment of weakness. I can be strong for you.”

“Yuu-chan, you had a point. Let’s not have our first kiss be in front of thousands. As part of a performance. Let me – ”

“—no,” Yuiri interrupts, eyes closed, sounding on the verge of tears, “Stop asking please. I’m trying to be strong for you, but we both know I’m not the strong one. If you keep asking I’ll give in, so please stop.”

Nana pulls Yuiri close, and wraps her arms around her tightly, “You’re not weak. I’m sorry, I’ll stop.”

********

The day before the Seijin concert, they have costume rehearsals, and Nana decides to try again.

Because after Yuiri brought it up, Nana couldn’t stop thinking about it. Something about sharing their first kiss – a supposedly intimate moment – with thousands of strangers rubs her the wrong way. They’ve always had a very publicised friendship. They decided on it all those years ago, capitalized on it because ships sell. But the majority of their relationship – the moments that count, the topics of their conversations, the nights they spend awake with one another, the tears, the joy, the pain – have always been behind closed doors, and Nana is very reluctant to share such an occasion with prying eyes.

“We should practice properly,” Nana says with a cheeky grin, “Give it our a hundred percent.”

Let me kiss you here, now, without anyone watching. Well technically with a few staff, and some members milling about, but that’s still better than a crowd of strangers.

Yuiri quirks an eyebrow and gives her an exaggerated roll of her eyes, message received loud and clear.

“How many times would I have to do it if we practiced properly?” is what Yuiri says. In other words, no.

“Yuu-chan –”

“Naa-chan is a pervert,” Yuiri abruptly changes her tone to a light teasing one, “I’m going to tell everyone you asked to ‘practice properly’.”

Nana smiles at her fondly, “Find, but that means I’m promoting one of my other ships at Myao’s Request Hour.”

It’s almost like a game to them at this point. To turn parts of their private relationship into fun public consumption – a way to lighten the otherwise depressing situation Nana supposes. If they can’t have a little fun while selling a quasi-real version of their very much real and forbidden emotions, then the situation would be a little too bleak.

But this time Yuiri is essentially using it to get around Nana, and that only makes Nana more determined. So it seems like their first kiss will be public. But that doesn’t mean it has to be their only one. If they’ve broken their rules once, what’s one more time?

********

Kissing Yuiri is all well and good in theory.

When the time comes closer, Nana is a little embarrassed to admit she’s panicking. How is she supposed to do this? How the hell is she supposed to kiss Yuiri in front of all those people? Oh god, she’s going to be kissing Yuiri.

Like that isn’t nerve wracking in itself.

“Do you have a mint?” she asks a passing staff member because what the hell did she just eat? Probably not something appropriate to then be kissing Yuiri afterwards.

Oh god, she’s going to be kissing Yuiri.

The only thing that keeps Nana from having a complete meltdown is the look of absolute befuddled confusion on Takahashi Juri’s face.

“What’s with you today?”

“Nothing,” Nana denies, steadfastly ignoring how her voice rises by several octaves, “Nothing at all.”

The former captain of Team 4 shoots Nana a look of pure disbelief, “Right. Okay. Nothing’s wrong, that’s why you look like you’re about to pass out. I’ll go and get Yuiri –”

“No!” Nana exclaims, before clearing her throat, “Er…I mean don’t bother her. I’m sure she’s busy.”

Juri stares at her, eyes scrutinizing her expression as if searching for a sign, “Did you two fight? Is that why you’re so weird right now?”

“No, no fight. We’re not fighting,” Nana says. Not in the conventional sense anyway. Yuiri is just being stubborn. Probably a bad habit she picked up from Nana.

“Alright then. Are you going to be okay?” Juri never did drop her mother henning tendencies.

Nana offers her what she hopes to be a reassuring smile, “I’m fine. Just pre-stage jitters.”

“…I haven’t seen you have pre-stage jitters this badly since your first stage. Well, whatever it is, sort it out. You’re on in twenty.”

Twenty minutes until her performance with Yuiri. Twenty minutes until she has to kiss Yuiri on stage. Oh she is so doomed.

********

The actual performance passes like a blur and before Nana knows it, the stage is drawing to a close, and the spotlight quite literally shines on them, and it’s now and her brain is on autopilot as she pulls Yuiri to her. The (slightly) older girl closes her eyes, and it looks like she’s holding back a laugh, and Nana supposes at least one of them finds this kind of funny, and then finally, her lips touch Yuiri’s. It’s a little disappointing when it’s all said and done. Nana’s too nervous to do much, Yuiri does a remarkable impression of a statue, all the while trying not to laugh – and then it’s over.

When they’re hurrying down backstage, Nana keeps one hand on Yuiri because she can’t let go of her now – and the interviews speed by. Before she knows it, she’s got another costume on and she’s on stage for the MC component, wherein Juri is making fun of her for being nervous backstage, and Yuiri’s tsundere persona is on full-blast, and Nana feels like she’s sleepwalking.

The rest of the concert flies by, and then they’re finally alone backstage without all the teasing and the prying eyes – Nana notices that Yuiri still has her fingers to her lips, like she still can’t believe what they’ve done. Honestly Nana doesn’t think it counts. Their eyes meet, and Nana can see the emotions flitting through Yuiri’s eyes. Want and desire like age old friends, accompanied by the usual guilt and conflict, and Nana decides that’s it – no more.

No more dancing around the invisible boundaries, no more toeing the line, no more guilt, no more shame, she’s done with controlling her wants. She gives her everything to the group because of how much joy and happiness it gave her back when she’s just a mere fan, but she’s done reining in her heart, because that belongs to someone else now. She’s done being in control.

So she lets go.

Starting with that kiss. Yuiri sees what she’s about to do the millisecond she decides to do it, and Nana expects a fight – so she’s completely caught off guard when Yuiri surges forward, a hand slides around the back of her head and pulls, and their lips come together for the second time that night.

They take their time, savouring the feel; Yuiri’s lips are soft, thin, a little smooth; she tastes like mint, probably from the lipgloss because she hates sweets and all those confectionary and fruity flavours, and so it’s no surprise that when her scent washes over Nana, she smells warm and woody, sort of like pine.

Nana is the one who pulls away at first, breathing heavy and head light.

“Told you I’ll give in if you keep asking,” Yuiri murmurs, and Nana chuckles, and then Yuiri cracks a giggle, and then they’re both in full blown laughter because what else can they do, when they both know they’ve done it now.

They’ve crossed the line. All those years of careful dancing, and reining in their baser desires and they’ve lost it.

Now what?


Next chapter preview:

 When their ‘double date’ Instagram live is over, Mogi drags Nana aside because something changed.

Sure, Nana and Yuiri flirt – it’s almost infamous how flirty they are – but that was a whole other level. It’s like they were magnets, literally drawn to each other physically, unable to stop playing with one another’s hair, or fingers – like Mogi and Mion back in the day.

“What happened to you two?”

Nana stares at her, first instinct to deny deny deny, but she pushes the reflex down because it’s Mogi. No one quite understood their situation like she did. She could trust Mogi.

“Are we that obvious?”

“You might as well be broadcasting ‘newlyweds on honeymoon!’ What changed?” Mogi all but demands, and there’s a hunger behind her zealous demand, and Nana feels a pang of sympathy, because she knows all too well of what that longing want feels like.


Happy reading, tell me what you liked, tell me what you didn’t like, what worked, what didn’t, what you’d like to see in the future, and maybe link  me to some shippy moments for plot-bunny fuel xD

I’m really surprised at how much response I got for last chapter, I wasn’t expecting much, so thank you to everyone who left a comment, because those really are the bread and butter for writers, I live for them.

Offline FZA02

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Re: Hamartia | OS collection | yuuna mogion | chapter 2 'Control' 2/12/2018
« Reply #6 on: December 03, 2018, 01:28:05 PM »
after all this years, finally yuunaa fanfic (and mogion as well), i really love how you put every words, like.....i don't know what people call it but it's beautiful. sorry i'm limited on vocabulary (even i don't know the word i looking for in my own language, so i'll say it once i found it :nervous)


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