Okay, Heyyouhiya...
We read your story...and discussed it on MSN..
We were harsh but it was our honest opinion, don't let it get you down because we gave you advice on improving.
We are willing to help, you just need to endure criticism.
We're color-coded.
Loser87 is
Greenand
Yuuyami is
bright purple.Okay, here we go!
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Whoa, he looked like he improved o_OMoMo says:
hnn
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Alright, first parrieMoMo says:
yeah okay...from what read so far...which is the first 3 sentence better choice in wording...
MoMo says:
repeating minute gets irritating
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
xDDDD second sentence is a fragment
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
It could have been combined with the first
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Wait, not really combinedMoMo says:
it could haveLovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Looking at the first three, I think he could have added more detail to it
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
paragraphs I meanMoMo says:
there should be more detail..
MoMo says:
emphasis on feelings using italics, underlines and bolds should help too
MoMo says:
because right now, i feel nothing for this short
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
He touches up on stuff, yeah, but I feel like he could have talked more about it rather than just brush against it
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Yeah
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Same
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Very emotionlessMoMo says:
it feels...rather very bland
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
I see the effort strewn in the writing, but it's not the correct effectMoMo says:
there's no emphasis on the desperation or anxiety he wanted
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
MmhmmMoMo says:
if he did he might get the feeling across...
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Yeah
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
He merely described what was happeningMoMo says:
I didn't even read the whole thing and already right now i can tell this would be one of the things i'd stop and leave
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
The same old "This happens. That happens." problem he has
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
MmMoMo says:
mmm my advice he needs to do our lessons
MoMo says:
and learn from the critiques we give him
MoMo says:
using examples and such
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Yeah
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
This is first person, so it's actually harder to write than third personMoMo says:
i dunno, i feel the need to revise like a paragraph of this to compare and show him things
MoMo says:
yeah..
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
'cause with first person, EVERY word has to count towards the character's mindsetMoMo says:
i wonder if he know the characters information
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
And with this, it felt like an omniscent third person narratorMoMo says:
it does..
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
So it explains the bland-roboticness of it
MoMo says:
so its perfect that he NEEDS to do our lesson since that's what our 1st lesson is about!
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Yeah!
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
:BMoMo says:
lmao
MoMo says:
but we'll tell our critique now i guess? since we already wrote half of it, i don't know how brutal we'll get if we read the entire thing..
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Yeah xD
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
He said we can be harsh
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
So we can MoMo says:
well, when i looked at it, read the first paragraph, I have to be honest i didn't wanna continue reading it
MoMo says:
it was incredibly dull, didn't capture my interest at all, and I didn't give a damn who this mystery person was or who she was crushing on
MoMo says:
it held no feeling and so I just didn't care enough to continue, a skip story basically
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Same with me. It sounded like a rather cliched beginning.MoMo says:
you got that too right? almost 0 creativity
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
YeahMoMo says:
to make the story attractive
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
It must be have some spice like Emeril being so constipated he shouts BAM o-o
MoMo says:
it has a lot of potential though to be very..tempting/seductive to the reader, to become this very dark , harsh world
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
xD Edit out that jokeMoMo says:
LMAO
MoMo says:
NO!
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Or leave it in if you liked it that much o_O
MoMo says:
MoMo says:
i'll leave it in because it shows how lame you are
MoMo says:
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
LOL Oh gahh xD
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Alright, next paragraph xD
MoMo says:
-sigh- >_<Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
I actually thought the description here was pretty decent. Good use of simile and metaphor.MoMo says:
it was decent, he could have combined the sentencesLovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
But the thing about this one is that I felt like he could have added more to itMoMo says:
added more...i guess details, metaphors, feelings inside
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
The last sentence's syntax could be rearranged though
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
He describes the looks, but not the feelings behind them
MoMo says:
yeah
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Next parrie
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
or not, you're still typing o-o
MoMo says:
lol its okayLovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Uh.
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Not enough detail xDMoMo says:
mmm the 3rd paragraph wasn't very interesting
MoMo says:
it was basically the whole "she sat there"
MoMo says:
"She moved here"
MoMo says:
"She looked very sad"
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
It looks like he was attempting to make a transition to the Thirty-two seconds thoughMoMo says:
yea but it felt really cheap and cheesy
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
What irked me is that he put details in the first two paragraphs, but not the third one
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
He needs to be consistant.MoMo says:
detail is important
MoMo says:
even in a prologue..
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
MmhmmMoMo says:
he shoulda' bolded the 32 seconds thing
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Next
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Yeah
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
I was thinking that too.MoMo says:
emphasis it since it looked important
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
NextMoMo says:
okay
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
"The air was thick"
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
............Lovely xD
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
With what?MoMo says:
lol
MoMo says:
he could've said,
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
I am currently idle.
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
-punts mouse-
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
xD
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
The air was thick with apprehension
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
That would have been niceMoMo says:
"The air felt heavy with our anxiety"
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Or "The air was suffocating" in relation to the second sentenceMoMo says:
could've done that, used the 'air was thick' to express the two characters
MoMo says:
it'd would give us more understanding of their lack of turmoil/sadness >_>
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
But it's boring D:
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Like "See Spot run" D:
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Yeah xDMoMo says:
mmm the 4th paragraph....
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
I don't like that last sentenceMoMo says:
yea
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Oh, we moved on?
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
xDMoMo says:
oh?
MoMo says:
no
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
I was talking about the cold feeling partMoMo says:
the air was thick is the 4th para
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
It felt really out of place
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Oh xDMoMo says:
yea that last sentence
MoMo says:
could have been better
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Could have been something differentMoMo says:
but instead it just sticks out like sore thumb...
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
YeahMoMo says:
in all its awkward glory
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Next line? xDMoMo says:
mm
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
He's trying to express an eternity here, but it's not a very good job of doing itMoMo says:
another this and that line...
MoMo says:
its very...
MoMo says:
repetitive
MoMo says:
its not something you want in your chapter..
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
And it does the complete opposite of the intended effect
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
He wanted eternity, but these sentences went by super quickMoMo says:
you want to emphasis it but if you repeat it over and over it loses its effect and just becomes annoying
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
the feeling is, I mean
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
MmMoMo says:
next one?
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Should have been boldedMoMo says:
lol
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
I am currently idle.MoMo says:
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Next one would have had a greater effect if it had proper punctuation... xDDDD
MoMo says:
XDXD
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Next oneMoMo says:
Oh goshLovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
" Strangely my heart didn't quicken; I think it just stopped. " Well thanks for stating the obvious xDDMoMo says:
MoMo says:
different wording, making the sentence longer
MoMo says:
And oh, DETAIL
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
This one doesn't have details o_o
MoMo says:
it needs detail..
MoMo says:
>_>
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
XDDDD It's like he got all detaily in the beginning but when he finally gets to the 'action' he just stops doing it o-oMoMo says:
its...just..blargh..to me
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Next~
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
o__O
MoMo says:
its hollow
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
He just totally ruined the tension xD
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Next one after tooMoMo says:
you don't feel anything
MoMo says:
that's it
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
The first sentence, with the sheepish grin, it feels like a fluff sentenceMoMo says:
the feelings that should be there are just all over the place
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Fluff doesn't belong in angst
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
YeahMoMo says:
its like he has no control of what feeling he wants
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
YeahMoMo says:
the timing is...well awful..
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
MmhmmLovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
The sentence type clashes too much
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
He's writing something angsty, but these sentences, the way they're worded, they don't belong hereMoMo says:
yeah, if he had different words or a diff. sentence that would compliment the others than it'd be fine
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
So far, I don't understand this character's mindset at allMoMo says:
but..what i see is him adding something that just doesn't work like fitting a square into a circl
MoMo says:
circle*
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
I don't know why he walked up to the girl and then walked backMoMo says:
I don't understand what the hell is going on though
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
He doesn't describe the feelings
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Mm
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
He doesn't describe the intentions or anythingMoMo says:
usually in a prologue you do get..a small guess of whats gonna happen
MoMo says:
this nothing, its too scattered, has too many options of what it could be
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
But with this one, we see things happening, but we don't know why
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Yeah
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Doing too many things at onceMoMo says:
all i know there is suppose to be angst
MoMo says:
but you just don't feel the pain
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
MmhmmMoMo says:
reason why is because you don't know why you should feel bad for this character
MoMo says:
there is no reason to feel sympathetic
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Mmhmm
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
I read the rest of it xD
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
But I'm still left confusedMoMo says:
I'm guessing it might be because girl 2 is leaving somewhere or wants to break up
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
YeahMoMo says:
and girl 1 is all boo-hoo about it
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
But still, both characters are very unreadableMoMo says:
i read it all too
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
I don't know what they're thinkingMoMo says:
in all honesty the only way for me to get a feeling across in a 1st person writing
MoMo says:
is to be that character, how would they react, how would you feel if that happens
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
MmhmmMoMo says:
because in all honesty human emotion is all the same we just express it differently
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
YeahMoMo says:
i think that's the key in writing 1st person pov's
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
It isMoMo says:
just think how it would make you, the author feel and then express it in words
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
It's what Essy-chan stresses a lot when she writes
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
And it's something she's told me a lot too
MoMo says:
lol, i figured it out
MoMo says:
things like describing love, you don't know what it is, how its suppose to feel, you can never find the right words for it
MoMo says:
so it's left usually as indescribable
MoMo says:
anyway, this 'short', its easily forgettable, it leaves me feeling like i want to avoid it..and...it just feels hollow
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
I am currently idle.
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
IndeedMoMo says:
-punts your mouse-
MoMo says:
your mouse annoys me yuuchan
MoMo says:
>_>
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
xDDDD
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
I get so involved when I talk with you like this, so there's no need for me to move it... xDMoMo says:
LMAO
MoMo says:
anyway, what's your verdict?
MoMo says:
well, critique >_>
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Still the same "This happens. That happens." I want him to think about the characters' motives and use them to influence the writingMoMo says:
yeah, i want him to think about how they would feel in that situation
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
xD You are going to post our above conversation in its entirety, right?MoMo says:
this story does have a lot of potential
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
MmMoMo says:
yes, lol
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Good xD
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Edit out my lame jokes D<
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
xDMoMo says:
I'll just copy and paste this and just color code it
MoMo says:
No
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
>______>;
MoMo says:
the world needs to see your lameness XDXD
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
I'm sad xD You never once tried to make a joke
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
You were too serious D:MoMo says:
I make jokes about people!
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
What happened to that gangsta, yo D<
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
xDMoMo says:
>_>
MoMo says:
I'm not that ghetto
MoMo says:
I am still asian
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Oh well just hurry up so I can sleep xDMoMo says:
-rolls eyes- w/e
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
We totally did a good job today xDMoMo says:
well, advice is given in our critiques and for extra help he should do the lesson we put up before
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Yeah
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
And he should ask us to beta oftenMoMo says:
so all in all that should be it for tonight
MoMo says:
yes
MoMo says:
XDXD
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
So we can direct him in the right path... xDMoMo says:
yessum and lead him to the golden stairs of us l33ts
MoMo says:
MoMo says:
we get praises and coffee...plus cookies~
MoMo says:
okay, well then off I do to do the color coding >_>
MoMo says:
-sigh-
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
And god knows how much cheesecake we need to be satisfied xD
MoMo says:
XDXD------------------------
Okay, that was our critique for Heyyouhiya.
It has a lot of potential but it needs to be worked on and thought out.
Don't rush things, you have to spend your time thinking about wondering if its just right.
Like, "This sounds weird to me" or "Is this really getting the point across"
You also need to choose your words carefully, sometimes a bad choice of words can make your sentence look awkward or out of place.
And what Yuuyami stresses, Details.
A story lacking details isn't really a story.
It doesn't give the readers imagination enough ideas of what's happening and there's no visual in their heads.
You also need to express the feelings of the characters.
In what we've read, it sounded very hollow, robotic and just emotionless.
There was nothing, it didn't leave us sympathetic or sad, or whatever you were trying to convey.
It is hard but its not difficult.
Usually the trick is thinking about how YOU, the author would feel if that happened.
Then, you imagine how that idol would feel.
Like I said, Human emotion is all the same, the only difference is on how we express it.
Hope this helps, not only does this apply in writing fanfic, it applies to writing in general also.
You have a lot of potential but it seems like you need help so we're willing to be your beta.
Anyway, do our exercises the one yuuyami posted earlier for practice.
Yes, it's like an assignment but it'll help so.
Anyway keep on coming you guys!
We'll help ya' knuckleheads out >;P