I feel like I'm ready to open up.
I will admit, the story I told on TV, as well as everyone at SM town, about Yellow Hoodie Girl (now YHG) and some SuJu dude, isn't true. I know I already made the confession, but I want it to be completely clear.
So let me start from the very beginning. It all began soon after I arrived here in America. I was starting to getting to know some people from a club at school, and it felt just amazing that I finally started getting friends. Many of them were Chinese and our club had many collaborate activities with the Chinese Student Association, of which, yes, YHG is a member. We started talking more and more, and spent more time together. There was even a moment at a party where I could sense that she wanted something more, but I couldn't, since I was dating my now ex gf, so I just ran away from the party. I called YHG up the day after, apologized and promise to explain. We later met up at BK here on pico, not very romantic, but it would have to do. Well there I explained everything. I was almost bursting in tears, because this girl was special to me, but I would never go behind the back of my gf and be unfaithful. I told YHG that we would meet again, and I gave her the little teddy (as seen in jay's picture), and told her never to forget me, coz I would never forget her.
That was the last I've seen and heard from her for a long time. She did occasionally call me, but I didn't want to answer - the pain would just be too much. This is where everything went straight to hell. Just before I left to go back home to Sweden, my gf broke up with me. I was crushed, ruined, my whole world caved in, but luckily YHG was there to give me comfort me as I was trying to hold it together around my family. I made a promise that I would let her know when I was coming back to America, so we could meet up again. Only, the time apart and everything that happened made me introvert, I couldn't see YHG, I don't know why. She kept messaging me, and I could sense how she got more and more sad and frustrated for every day that I didn't reply. I didn't take long until I gave up, if she didn't hate me for rejecting her earlier, then surely she would hate me now.
When I saw her at the stairs at SM town I panicked. I know I should've talked to her, but I couldn't. She was there for her idols, and I didn't want to ruin that with old memories. Then when I saw the snow globe I completely gave up, especially since I didn't notice that she carried the teddy I gave her earlier. Surely she had someone else that loved her now. It wasn't until later, when jay came back from subway telling me he's seen her there, and that she forgot something, a small teddy. My heart stopped! Why would she still carry it if it didn't mean anything to her? And why would she go back there to get it? It wasn't until then that realized that she was probably still waiting.
All this time, I was so close to her, and I was so wrong. I regret it so bad! Why didn't I just talk to her? If she didn't want to see me, then I would just leave, but now I will never find out. I've been trying to reach her ever since the concert, but she's never online on messenger anymore and it seems she changed her number. It breaks my heart, but it seems I will never see her again. What could be love forever, is now only a big gaping hole in my heart, just because I couldn't find the courage to talk to her.
I will never forgive myself.