Act IIKazu is updating me on his morning. He's gotten a promotion and is now in charge of a new sub-department in addition to his regular one.
Hmmm...good for him.
"... so we got Canfor to sign the deal with us after such a short period of time. And they met all our requirements. No compromises. If it proceeds well, we'll start the operation within the month and..."
Hmmm...what company does Hiroshi work for again?
I come face to face with her and fear spills through my guts.
She's crying and she looks right up at me.
Oh geez, it WAS Aya and Kazuyoshi that had walked in when Miki bit on that chili. But...she couldn't see because her eyes were tearing up so much. I wonder if Aya realizes that, or if she thinks that Miki actually saw her?
Across from her is a man whose face I can't see. What did he say to make her cry? Did I just walk in on a break-up?
I wonder if Aya has been aware of Miki's life the way Miki has been aware of hers? Obviously Miki's moved on since "the incident" since she's now with Hiroshi...but did Aya know that, or has she really been trying to avoid any mention of Miki during these last few years?
We sit down. I happen to take a seat where, if I shift a bit, I can see Miki's table. I have to be careful our eyes don't meet. She looked right at me a few seconds ago, but I don't think she saw me because of her tears.
The fact that Aya took the seat that lets her see Miki's table might be a sign that despite what she's told Kazuyoshi before, some part of her is still curious about what Miki's been up to and how she's been. If she was still uberly-pissed at her, she likely would have discreetly told Kazuyoshi that she wanted to leave and eat somewhere else, or at the very least ask for a seat/table that wouldn't let Miki see her.
Deep down inside, maybe a small part of Aya actually misses Miki?
Kazu goes on about his dead trees while I sit and pretend to listen, all the while dreading the moment when Miki realises I'm in the room and comes up to me to talk.
No, she wouldn't do that. She's either too cool or too scared of me. Once we fell out, she wasn't one of those annoying stalker-types that kept calling to ask if we could talk. She got the message and stayed away from me.
Aya almost sounds...hopeful here. It's like she's trying to convince herself of something. Miki stayed away like Aya told her too, and for Aya, that should be a good thing, right? It was, after all, what she wanted, right?
Maybe not. Maybe some part of Aya wants to have Miki back in her life, regardless of whatever capacity that might be. Even if it's just as the casual neighbours that they appear to have become...at least it's something. All these years Aya's been able to manage because she and Miki had not been physically near each other. Now, here they are, running into each other for the second time in as many days. It's likely that they'll run into each other more unless one of them moves. Can Aya handle that proximity and still want Miki to stay away?
There's nothing to get worked up about. So what if that girl is sitting across the room from me? It's not like I'm obligated to talk to her. It's not like I did something terrible to her. It's not like she can hurt me now. There's nothing she could say - nothing - that could make me hate her more than I hated her for a long time. The hate has worn off with time, and so while I would push her out of the way of a oncoming traffic or call the police if a gun was pointed at her head, I would not want to speak with her. I have nothing to say to her. I am indifferent to her and her opinion.
...
As soon as Miki is gone, though, I stop thinking about her. She's like a mosquito. Only an issue when in sight, but when not around, forgotten.
Really?
"Don't you think Yuki'd like a sister? Or brother?" Kazu asks me while in the middle of crossing an intersection.
...
We haven't talked about that in a long time. We did initially, but he was so distressed at the thought of having to be away on frequent business trips that he refused to let anything happen while he wasn't around for half of it. We decided there was no rush. We had Yuki. We were young.
But now with things soaring at work and fewer business trips, he can be home more often. I'm more than ready for it. I'm not getting any younger. But now is not a good time to talk about, what with being on a busy street corner.
"Maybe she does need some company," I agree with a smile.
Hmmm...interesting. If this is truly what Aya wants, it would be nice, as she's evidently shown she can be a good mom with Yuki.
Act IIIShige calls me in for a one-on-one meeting on Friday afternoon, telling me that she has a new project we're going to get started on for the issue that will appear in the last week of next month.
"Anniversaries," she says to me when I walk into her office.
...
"Suzuki Haruka: three years. Onitsuka Mayo: four years. Yumi: two years. Do you know what all these three have in common?"
...
"June!" she tells me in a shrill, all-knowing voice.
...
"Their month of debut."
Oh.
...
"I hate June," I mutter.
It would be a bit of a slap in the face to be reminded that certain people's careers were beginning just as your's was being forced to end.
Plenty of other things - good and bad - have happened in June. I traditionally hold it as my unlucky month of the year.
"Well, if it's not that, then it's something else. But you know, it doesn't really matter what it is. Why should you let it bother you anymore?"
"Listen," I say, shifting to the edge of my chair. "I don't have a complex where I can't let go of the past, or whatever. I just don't like this month."
Question is, had Miki always thought that way about the month of June, or was it something that developed more recently?
Looking at it from Sayu's point of view, it would look like Miki's still bothered by what happened. As her friend (as well as as her boss), Sayu knows that to continue to dwell on it just won't do any good whatsoever. However, in Miki's defence, Sayu can never truly understand how hard it is for Miki to let it go, especially since she blames herself for it.
"Maybe it's because it's Matsuura-san's birthday," Shige goes on, not seeming to have heard me.
There's an unspoken rule between us. We don't talk about Aya. All she knows is that Aya and I don't talk anymore, but she never questions it. She has respected that until this very moment.
Uh oh.
"Or maybe it's 'cause you got dumped by the guy that caused you to lose your first job," she continues.
That was a cruel thing to bring up.
Right at the end of June, that oh-so-wonderful, funny, relatively new, great guy introduced a new element into our relationship, and that was the break-up. He had found someone else, and he'd given me a day's notice before going to move in with her.
Oh...shit.
Some who knew what I did to Aya would have thought I had it coming to me, but it was a very different situation. I cared about both people. Mister Spectacular stopped caring about me completely. It was like the light bulb illuminating his eyes died and could not be replaced.
It's true that given what happened, upon first impression most people would say that Miki got what she deserved. She screwed up something special, chose one relationship over another, and then ended up with nothing. It was still a harsh thing to happen, and the way it happened to Miki was particularly cruel. The loss and the pain she caused herself...she has no one to blame but herself for that. However just because it happened to her, it doesn't make it right or fair.
Now...THIS Aya must have known about. I mean, considering the hub-bub that was caused when it was discovered the two were dating, imagine the coverage when it was found out that he had dumped her and was living with someone else? Here Miki basically lost her singing career for him, and he just casts her aside and moves on to the next piece of ass? The tabloids would have had a field day with this (assuming of course, that any of them still cared). But yeah, even if this happened after Aya quit H!P and married Kazuyoshi, surely she must have heard about this on the news or saw it in a magazine, even if it was just in passing?
"Then maybe it's the recent rainy weather," she finally finishes, a hint of a caustic tone in her words.
"Yeah, it's the weather. Makes me cranky," I mumble, praying that our discussion is over.
Good move Sayu; best not to push the subject any more.
Do I really let the past have such a hold on me? It's not like I'm still longing for days of old. I no longer obsess about going back into time and fixing my huge mistakes. I don't constantly sit there and think "I wish Aya'd forgive me." But Shige's right. I have to stop thinking negatively. Hiroshi's right. The past is the past. I've got to get over that last bit of it. I'm almost there.
Unfortunately, there are times when mistakes cannot be rectified, when they can't be forgiven. Not everything can come full circle, no matter how much we'd like it to. Miki's starting to realize that this just might be one of those types of situations. As much as she would like for things to have some resolution, it might be that in this case it's just not possible. Better to move on then, and just let this thing go.
The following Saturday, we wake up at noon and go out for lunch. After we are stuffed with soba, we take a walk in the park. We're talking about a story one of our friends told us yesterday, and I hang onto his arm, squeezing it as I laugh until a tear makes it way out of the corner of my eye.
It is then, gasping for breath from so much laughter, that I come face-to-face with the last person I want to meet.
Here we go.
Act IVI consider the future of my career. I have a secret from the world. I may have removed myself from the entertainment industry, but I have certainly not taken music out of my life. I've kept practicing on my own, and I've been working on creating my own music. Kazu is my greatest supporter. He's always hinted that I should go back out into the public and show them what I've been doing. I've always ignored those hints. But now... Now I might consider it. I don't want to make a big deal about it, but it would be nice to show where I've managed to go since quitting the business.
It's nice to see that Aya hasn't walked away from music/singing. Especially now that she's basically on her own (i.e. without management-types telling her what to sing or how to dress or whatnot), she can really start to sing and make the type of songs that SHE has wanted to make. Some guys would be extremely worried, if not even completely against that idea if they were in Kazuyoshi's place. After all, he's married to Ayaya, super-idol for many an adoring fan/wota back in the day. If she chooses to make a comeback, the attention that she'll get could be enormous, and that could be intimidating for a husband. Good to see that he's supportive of her efforts, rather than trying to discourage her.
On Saturday, Kazu has a day off. Yuki goes off to play with her second cousin, so Kazu and I go for a long walk in the park. We stop for ice cream and eat it by a tiny pond filled with carp. Then we continue on our way, no plan in mind.
Here it comes...
She looks up, her eyes lock with mine, and then it's clear that we're in a whole load of something that is not shaping up to be pleasantly fragrant like fresh roses.
I stop. She stops. Kazu looks at her. I look at Kazu. He recognises her. Miki looks at Kazu. She looks at the man she's with. I look at the man she's with. He does not show any sign of recognition. He looks at Kazu. He looks at Miki. Miki looks at me. I look back at her. She takes in a breath. Maybe she's going to say something.
o_o
Say "excuse me" and walk by. There's not even an acquaintanceship between the two of us.
That would probably be the quickest solution right now.
"Friend of yours?" Miki's man asks, seeing the obvious flash of recognition between us.
D'oh...smooth move Hiroshi.
She's hanging off of his arm and they seem close, but if he doesn't know who I am, then I wonder how close they really are.
Well, if the situation was reversed, and Aya was the one that had screwed everything up, if she felt the shame that Miki felt and was scared of what effect telling Kazuyoshi about it would have (i.e. if it might cause him to lose respect for her or even leave her), would she be so willing to talk about it?
Also, have I really changed that much in ten years? Have people forgotten my face? He seems to be at an age where he should have known who I was growing up unless he was raised in a remote island village in Okinawa or a foreign country.
Close, it was Hokkaido.
"Yeah," Miki says in a quiet tone. "Old co-worker."
The man looks at me a little more closely and understanding lights his eyes up. Now he recognises who I am. I guess he hasn't seen an updated photograph of me in years, much like the rest of the public. I've been largely forgotten. Three quarters of my old fans probably wouldn't notice me in a crowd.
Aya probably never really noticed it (that people weren't noticing her as much out in public) over the past few years, but yeah, when you're not in the public spotlight, you gradually go from the "hot" list to the "where are they now" list. For Aya it was likely a good thing in that it allowed her to live a regular, normal life with Kazuyoshi and Yuki over these last few years. It's also bad though, as it leads to really awkward situations like this.
"I'm Tabe. Nice to meet you," Kazu says suddenly, addressing Miki and the mystery man.
What are you doing?
"Oh. Sato Hiroshi. The pleasure's mine."
Well, SOMEONE had to break the tension. Besides, there's no reason for Hiroshi and Kazuyoshi to not be polite to each other.
"Fujimoto," Miki says simply to Kazu, and then gives him a trace of a smile to lighten the impact of her greeting. "I used to work with Aya-chan."
She gestures toward me with a brief flick of the hand. I cringe at my name being spoken by her. In a way it seems right that she still address me like that, but in another way she shouldn't even be using my name. It's strange. I should simple be "this girl" or "her". Not "Aya-chan" or "Matsuura-san".
I would say that Aya should see this as a sign that Miki still cares about her, even after all that's happened. Aya was mad at her, told her she hated her, and she had every right to do so. It never changed the fact that she was still important to Miki. Miki never said that she hated Aya.
The tension is such that I can see the man named Sato starting to feel it. I look up at Kazu, who meets my gaze for a brief second before turning his head to Miki.
"Say, why don't you two go grab a coffee and catch up. I've got to go and attend to some business anyway," he says.
Oh my god. You are dead, Kazu. Dead. When we get home tonight, I'm going to beat you to a bloody pulp, drown your head in the toilet, fling you over the side of the balcony and-
EHHHHHHHHHHHHH?
"Oh, I don't want to take up any of your time," Miki says quickly, addressing me verbally but looking at Kazu.
Miki would probably like to, but as far as she knows Aya is still royally pissed off at her and as she told her back then, doesn't want to be anywhere near her.
However, her oblivious man (whose aggravatingly innocent role in all this reminds me briefly of a certain boy I used to date), pipes up.
"Yeah, why don't you two go on?"
I can tell from the way Miki's eyes narrow the slightest bit that she, too, wants to murder the man she's with.
...
"Excellent, then. It's settled," Kazu says, clapping his hands together and then turning to Miki. "It was nice to meet you."
And before I know it, the two boys have walked off, leaving me and Miki standing in the middle of a park on a sunny, warm day.
LULZ at the subtle smack at Tachibana.
It seems like the guys are trying to set it up so that Aya and Miki can settle things once and for all and find some resolution. They both know that the two of them still weigh on each other's minds from time to time, so in typical guy mentality, they said "why not?"
After all it's been what, 10 years? Surely by now they can at least be civil (maybe even friendly) enough with each other to be able to have a cup of coffee together?
"What have you been up to?"
The part of me that doesn't want to talk to her is slowly diminishing. I'm extremely wary of what I say to her, but once faced with the beast, curiosity outweighs flight instincts, and I decide a little poking and prodding can't hurt.
...
"Remember Shige-san? Sayu?"
Michishige Sayumi? A name I haven't heard in years. I nod.
"She's the head of the most famous girls' magazine in the country. Ever heard of Superbly? I work right beside her editing that."
I try not to let my jaw drop in surprise. Of course I've heard of Superbly. Nobody in Japan hasn't heard of it. I've never touched a copy, but I've seen the cover of it at stores since it started as a small, humble fashion magazine. To learn that Miki is some sort of high-ranking staff member of that magazine sends me into fits of disbelief. That's only half of the astonishment I feel to hear that Michishige heads the publication.
I guess Aya really hasn't been paying much attention to the entertainment world since she walked away from it. It would be nice to think that Aya's happy and maybe even proud that Miki's been able to do well for herself, but it's a bit too soon for that.
"I'm really sorry," she says quietly. "For everything."
This time, I know for sure that it's an apology for all that mess. I haven't heard one in ten years.
We all knew that Miki would eventually say this should the two of them meet. Everyone knows that it still bothers her and that she blames herself for what happened. Even though it's their first time speaking to each other in a decade, Aya can see that. Back then, she probably would have no trouble seeing Miki be troubled by this for the rest of her life. But what about now? Regardless of how Aya feels about Miki right now, can she honestly be okay with leaving things the way that they did?
"It's okay. Don't worry anymore," I reply in the same genuine tone.
And then I give her a bit of a smile. Not a big one. Just a small, comforting one.
...
I hope that she can tell I mean it. I want her to stop thinking about it. I don't want to see her or anyone suffer. The past is the past, after all, and I should make an example of taking my own advice.
I get a good look at her face before I nod goodbye and turn around to walk home. I'm conscious of every step I take. I half expect to hear footsteps come running after me, Miki asking in a roundabout and awkward way if we can be friends again. But I know deep inside that she won't do that. Before I turned around to leave, I saw in her eyes acceptance. I saw gratitude. And I saw understanding.
Not quite forgiveness, but she's at least acknowledging that Miki's apologizing for what happened. Back when it originally happened, Aya totally disregarded Miki's apologies, treated them as if they were nothing but empty words. By acknowledging it this time, she's letting Miki know that she's willing to hear and accept it now. Accepting an apology is just as big as being forgiven. Depending on the person, the former can actually be more important, especially when it's from someone that you're really close to. When you're mad at someone, or vice versa, it's more the acceptance of the apology and not actually being forgiven, that can determine how things will progress or if they'll "be alright". Once can accept an apology, not forgive someone, and they'd still be able to get along somewhat and have a chance to rebuild what they once had. But to outright REJECT an apology is to say what Aya originally said and did when she completely cut off all ties with her. No chance for forgiveness (though Miki might not have been looking for it), no chance to tell her how sorry she was, no chance at anything. That, if anything, would have been the most painful for Miki.
We're not best friends again, and we can probably never be, of which I am ninety-nine point nine nice nine percent sure of that. I am sure she knows that, too. She knows that it's best to just leave things as they are: on the good side of neutral.
And if we see each other on the street again from this day on, we can exchange polite greetings and continue on our separate ways.
...
The past will never come back. Only our future will come. And it won't be nearly as shiny and ideal as the one we imagined together a decade ago. But that's okay. We have our other sources of happiness.
Even with what just happened, what happened in the past might just be too big, and it might be too late to overcome it. It's honestly a bit much to think that they could recapture what they once had (even just on a friendship level). A lot has happened in these past 10 years for both of them. They've both grown up, changed, probably so much that they just won't fit together anymore like they once did. But again, this is something that they both have to accept and live with. For the time being, the
good side of neutral is the best result that they could have hoped for. Neither Aya nor Miki were able to really close this chapter in their lives. No ending would be right if it didn't happen between the two of them. Now it has happened, so now they can truly put it all behind them, and continue on freely as they both deserve to.
I stop once I'm far away enough, and I turn around. I can't see Miki, but I imagine that I can. In real life, I take a deep breath and hold it in to remember everything that has just happened before turning around and walking home; in my mind, I smile at her, wave bye-bye, and skip off cheerfully towards the horizon.
Nice that in her mind (if not in her heart), Aya can still remember (in a good way) and is still able to be "Ayaya". Perhaps leaving things the way they were affected Aya just as much as it did Miki. She likely hadn't "been" Ayaya since the incident, because of how much it hurt her. Now that the two of them have had their talk and Aya's accepted Miki's apology, she can let herself be "Ayaya" again.
In keeping with Friday story tradition (?), there's still one more story left to tell.
* JFC wonders if either Aya or Miki ever frequented Ochiai-san's shop after the incident or if they ever saw/talked to her again.
Perhaps it's a little blurb from Kazuyoshi's & Hiroshi's POV after they leave the two girls alone (and both hoping that they don't get killed by their respective "better halves")?
Topic: Why? (Friday's Children are Certainly Full of Woe) (Read 22144 times)