oh....it was just a comment............ I thought you updated................it's ok.......I'l be fine... I'll just go to my happy place................... Yup happy place........................ *cries in the corner* 
Uh.... you make it sound like every post I make is supposed to be a fanfic?
Anyway, this is something I threw together a week or two ago, and I just had time to go over it and fix it up. Narrator remains unknown, but see if you can guess who I'm referring to in the story!
You Were Too LateI wanted to be the one who was always there for you, to support you unconditionally. For one reason or another, you never chose to lean on me… you never depended on me. I was hurt by that.
Maybe it was because of my cool, without-a-care personality that you found it hard to share things with me. I know deep down that you knew that personality was just a front for others… never for you. I couldn’t help it though. I was afraid of letting people in that close to me. I wanted you to know the real me… but you were the first person who I actually WANTED to know me. It sort of scared me that I wanted you to know all my insecurities… all my anxieties…
You were taken away from me by somebody else. I wouldn’t say that you were absolutely smitten by them… more that it was more a relationship of convenience for both of you… a convenience that you and I weren’t able to have. It was the worst feeling – to have lost to mere
convenience.
If it had been convenient, would you have chosen me instead? Would
I have been the one coming in to work with love bites on the side of my neck heavily concealed by makeup? Would
I have been the one there for you anytime of day or night? Regardless… I
am still there for you no matter what time of day it is.
But then you graduated, and just as it seemed like you were actually beginning to fall for her shortly after your graduation… she was involved in some sort of insane scandal. Was it really okay with you? When you came to me that night at some ungodly hour, I let you in without a word. You didn’t have to pretend with me. I had told you how I felt, and that I would still be here no matter what happened. You told me you were fine, that it didn’t really matter.
If it didn’t matter, then why had you come to me in the first place? If it didn’t matter, then why did you cry as the sun began to rise?
I’d told you numerous times that you could lean on me, but you didn’t. You refused to put pressure on me. Didn’t you get it? It pained me more when you didn’t depend on me, when you refused to open up to me. You continually put on a brave face and told me you were doing fine. It’s so strange how two people can know each other inside out like you and I, yet we still try to act tough and indifferent when ever things go astray.
Then one night, when you had come to me again… you let go. You let go of all your inhibitions… all your misconceptions of me… you
had me. I couldn’t understand you. I couldn’t understand why you did it after you claimed that you were unable to see me in
that kind of light. I wasn’t in any position to argue… no... I
couldn’t argue… but I know that the person you were seeing when you looked into my eyes… it wasn’t me. You were searching for somebody else, somebody you had lost long ago. It left me scarred when I realised just how hard you had fallen for her.
I was still losing… even after all the effort I had put in to supporting you from the sidelines. I had been given nothing in return but an empty, physical act. It meant next to nothing to you, but it left me broken. Did you think that it would satisfy me? Did you think that in doing such a thing, you could get me to forget about you and your pain?
You were so afraid to turn around and look you problems in the eye, and I was the only one who had picked up on that. Did you want me to stop being concerned? You put on a ridiculous façade everyday, and it tore me up to watch you go through the motions as if you were the happiest person alive. I kept pestering you, hounding you, making sure you were okay. If I had stopped doing all that… who else would look out for you? Who else could read you that clearly?
I couldn’t understand you then, and I can’t understand you now.
Just as I was beginning to get over you, you came back in an attempt to turn it around. You had me
again. And
again, I couldn’t understand you. Was I supposed to be hung up on you forever without ever getting anything in return? I couldn’t be the “backup” forever. I had really started turning my attention on someone else, and I had really wanted to make it work. But that one night had screwed everything up. I couldn’t get you off of my mind.
Did you do it because you couldn’t stand the thought of me being infatuated with another girl? Was it jealousy? I don’t understand why you never wanted me until somebody else did. That was the most selfish thing you have ever done. Throwing me away, and waiting for somebody else to take me in before rushing in and rudely snatching me away from their hands.
I looked at your sleeping form, covered by a mess of sheets. I refused to let this happen again… it would be the absolute last time. I couldn’t bear hurting anymore, and what’s more, I couldn’t bear hurting
her any longer. She had waited long enough, and learning from you, I wasn’t about to make her wait half a lifetime to give her what she needed and deserved. And likewise, she would give me what
I needed and deserved. I was beginning to need her more and more, a sign that I was gradually forgetting about you.
She knew this, accepted this and told me that I could take all the time in the world because she trusted me. I had no intention of making her wait that long. I wanted to forget about you as fast as possible. That’s why I avoided you for so long, until I was certain that you didn’t mean anything beyond a friend to me.
She gave me everything, and naturally I gave everything back to her. Not because it was a mere mutual exchange, but because I
wanted her to have everything within me. You watched from afar for a long, long time. Were you regretting choosing someone else over me? I know that eventually, you’ll find somebody for yourself, even if right now all you can do is watch and wallow in self pity. I can’t deny that you still hold a tiny, secluded place in my heart.
But I know one thing for certain – the person that I love; it's no longer you...
...it’s
her.
Topic: Ramblings of a goosefish (updated 29th july~!) (Read 54948 times)