3
I don't know why I even brought that up. I guess I can't really tell any sort of history without mentioning my first serious relationship. I don't really like to think about it much, though. It's ironic really, the moments you want to remember blur and distort over time, and the ones you want to forget remain crystal clear.
I can still remember Makoto's face. She looked so horrified at what she had said to me. "Oh God, I'm so sorry, I thought you knew," she blurted out all at once. I continued to stare blankly at the wall. "Oh, God, oh, God, uh, um, uh, say something? Please?"
"Are you sure?" I finally said. Makoto gulped.
"Yeah, I heard them talking about it a few minutes ago. The press conference is in a few weeks. I was so sure she would have told you, since..." she trailed off. I gave a short laugh.
"Yeah, you'd think that, huh?" I glanced over and saw the expression on Makoto's face. "It's fine. I had to find out sooner or later. Better you than on live TV, right?" I sighed.
"I'm so sorry."
"I'm gonna go lie down for a while. So, if anyone needs me, I'll be... in the dressing room, I guess." I walked off without waiting for a response. I couldn't deal with Makoto and this crap right now. I closed my eyes, trying to fight back the stupid emotions that were threatening to spill over.
"YOSHIZAWA, WHAT THE HELL!?" An angry voice exclaimed. My eyes snapped open. Shit. Fujimoto. A pissed off Fujimoto. A... nearly flattened against the wall, pissed off Fujimoto.
"Whoops," I said helpfully.
"Whoops!? Do you usually sleepwalk down the halls or were you attempting to ram me into the wall for sport?" She snapped. Bitch.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention," I replied stonily before stalking off.
"Hey--!" I heard her call, but decided to ignore it. That girl just bugged me for some reason I could never put my finger on. She really knew how to push my buttons. But from the stories I'd heard of already infamous her wandering hands, I was lucky that was all she did to me.
I shut the dressing room door and leaned against it.
"Hey." Of COURSE, she was in the room. I opened my eyes and stared at Maki. She looked down. "You've heard."
"Yes."
"I'm sorry."
"Were you planning on telling me?" She looked away.
"I knew I had to, but I just..."
"Yeah."
"I - "
"So when's the happy day? When do I get to stand in front of thousands of screaming fanboys and proclaim happily 'Gocchin! Congratulatioooons!!'?" I asked sarcastically.
"Don't be like this."
"Like what? Do you really think that we can sneak around with you off on your own tours? How often do we see Nakazawa anymore? A handful of TV tapings and the group concerts? You can't sustain a relationship on that, can you?" She didn't answer. "How long have you known?"
"...a month," she said quietly.
"A MONTH!?" I exclaimed. There was a knock at the door.
"Goto! 20 minutes!" a stagehand called in.
"Can't we talk about this later?" she asked.
"Couldn't we talk about this before?" I countered. She sighed.
"I didn't want to hurt you."
"Uh, too late?"
"Why are you so angry at me? This isn't my decision!"
"I know," I sighed. "Just... tell me honestly. Is there any chance of this still working out when we can't ever see each other? Is there?" My eyes pleaded with her to say yes, to say we could overcome anything, to say we could try.
She didn't say a word. Her eyes roamed the room, looking everywhere but me. The clock ticked loudly on the wall.
I swallowed back the lump in my throat.
"Ok. If you could, um, go through your apartment and find my things, and I'll do the same, and, um... yeah." I turned to leave the room.
"I'm so sorry..." was the last thing I heard before I shut the door. I I remember even then thinking that the worst thing about the entire situation was that it wasn't anyone's fault. I couldn't be angry at Maki about the agency's decision. I could only manage to be angry at her about not telling me sooner, and that was even half-hearted. I just didn't care anymore.
Someone cleared their throat. I didn't even need to look up.
"Makoto, could you spread the word for everyone to leave me alone for a while?"
"Sure," my number one fangirl replied.
"And I need chocolate. Lots of freaking chocolate." Makoto gave a wry laugh and led me towards the cafeteria.
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Sorry to bring everyone down with this bit, but it needed to be done. I always had this pet theory about Yossi's crazyass lumberjack period and decided to incorporate that it.
I recently went through a painful breakup myself, but tried not to... taint this too much with that.