Obviously, I've been listening way too much to Prisoner of Love by Utada Hikaru, because I wrote a fic under its influence.
;
Sorry about the lack of updates to Gegenschein, between school and work, the rest of my time is being devoted to sleep in order to recharge. Lol.
Anyway, new story. Enjoy.
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Prisoner of LoveI made another notation on my already littered sheet, half distracted as I studied the lyrics, contemplating what notes to stress and all those little technicalities. I twirled my pencil around my fingers, managing a couple of rotations before it slid off my hand, skidding off my desk to hit the floor with a clatter.
A crooked grin touched my lips, even at my own failure. Drew my nail across a specific part of the lyrics sheet, underlining it unconsciously. My smile reached my eyes. Surely you would have laughed at me if you had seen this, and then proceed to show off what you could do quite effortlessly.
Always so competitive... I shook my head, leaning down to pick up my fallen pencil. You were always out to have fun, always flitting from person to person, talking and laughing and playing. You could even make me laugh, making it seem so effortless and commonplace. I pause in my work now, still gripping the pencil, but staring off into space.
When was it that I began to see you as you, and not as just another one of my kouhais? Your frank stare, confident smirk, that sparkle in your eye; I remember them well.
Yet I saw your hesitance as well, behind that seemingly brash exterior. You were just another girl too, younger than me. Vulnerable.
You hid your uncertainty well enough though. With a smile and a laugh, you reached out that time and said:
"Let's have nothing but fun."Did you know how far you were between lies and truth that time? Had you known how far it would go, your deception of self and others? I hadn't seen it back then either, my own troubles shadowing my eyes. Couldn't see your struggles, your fleeting escape from the inescapable. Had I known, would I have taken up that offer?
Yes, and yes. I would do it all over again, even knowing what I do now. I tilt my head to one side, playing with the strands of my hair as I glance blankly through the lyrics of our new song. My fringe falls into my face; I sweep it aside with an annoyed flick, puffing out a quick breath, my thoughts never straying far from you.
It had always been like that for me. When I got involved in something, I stay focused with a single-minded obsession. It made it difficult for me to see other things. But I tried to live with no regrets; often failing, but still doing my best. It was all I knew.
At one time, I even believed that my life was destined to be uniformly bleak, brightened only when I was on stage. It was bad enough that the vast majority of the group didn't seem to understand how my mind worked; I thought I made perfect sense! But it definitely did
not help that my life appeared to have its own personal depressing theme. They didn't call me "rain woman" for nothing; every time I went somewhere, rain seemed to follow. Perfect setting for being emo, I suppose.
Rain or shine though, you sparkled. That stubborn streak that ran a mile wide in you; it refused to back down even when confronted with my waterworks. You always insisted on your own way, but strangely we never did butt heads quite as badly as I would have thought we would. I was no pushover myself when it came to holding my ground on certain things; well, if I had been less insistent, I wouldn't have gotten into the situation you found me in that time either.
Your radiance was refreshing. I don't think I ever laughed quite as much before that time; you just had a knack for coaxing laughter out of me. Your laughter too, it echoed along with mine, yet ringing always just a little off. Something was missing that I hadn't seen, back then. I know now what it was, but I didn't even notice then.
Maybe it was because neither one of us wanted to think at all. Far easier to just avoid the issue, forget about what bothered us. Have fun, as you said. Forget.
Your presence, and the laughter you brought; it made things tolerable. It helped me put things in perspective. Loneliness wasn't always so bad, nor pain; soon another day would come, and wash it all away with fun and games. How naive we were. But we tried; that is to say,
you did.
I smiled a little sadly to myself. It wasn't long after that time, that I began to drop the formality and call you by your given name. Too difficult to call you by the same nickname that
she did as well. I would always be friends with her, closer than most others. But it was never the same, no matter what she tried to do afterwards. I think we both knew it, but she ignored it all the same. I guess it was just easier for her to pretend that nothing happened.
Abandoning all pretense at trying to work, I set down my pencil and pushed the sheet away from me, leaning backwards to space out at the ceiling. You were always telling me to be a little less serious, cut loose more. I didn't hesitate to tell you that if I slacked off, you might just steal my position.
Your impish grin after my words said more than anything you said could ever have. Neither could I resist the matching grin that crept onto my face. You could be such a bad influence sometimes.
Still, I knew you. You worked harder than you let on, and I respected that. Your drive made me push onward all the harder. The path I chose for myself was rocky and barren; the price of excellence was, in a way, solitude. Lonely at the top, some said. Trying to be the best alone set me apart from the rest, given my typical tunnel vision when it came to these things.
But you were there. You understood, in your own way. I could see the same ambition reflected in your eyes. You knew, without asking, what I sought. We were headed in the same direction, via different paths. But you knew me, even you didn't understand why I walked the way I did. You accepted it as part of me, even though you never would let me off the hook about always being so serious about things.
I guess I needed that, needed
you. Always putting on my best face for things, even though I was often emotional enough to cry at the drop of a hat ---- a fact you never ceased to remind me of either. Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you and your endless ribbing, but I guess it's so simple I don't even have to think.
I
loved you. Things I wouldn't let others get away with, you got away not only unscathed, but also with the gift of my smile. The way you challenged me, said things on purpose to get a reaction out of me; I met that with a kind of bemusement, often urged on to laughter.
Yet amidst all that you were still that same hesitant girl hiding underneath that cocky exterior that day you first reached boldly out to me. I see it in the times you pause, that edgy flutter of motion as your gaze shifted around anxiously, the way you looked at me as if afraid that I'd break.
I wish I could tell you, but I never did get round to it. It was difficult enough to admit to myself that I felt this way, even worse when I realized just how long I had been caged by this emotion, this unnaturally strong attachment to you. Even if I had spent most of that time being blissfully oblivious to it, on hindsight it shone as clear as day.
Somehow, being made aware of this state made me feel all the more imprisoned, suffocated by the web tangling us together. It was all I could do to smile back as I always did, even as you batted away at the tangled lines between us, chasing the threads like the half-wild kitten you were.
...I wonder if the thread that led you to me was red in color...?
Abruptly, I stood, pushing my chair back with a low screech. My idle fantasies were leading nowhere, and it was getting to a stage where I just didn't want to think about it anymore. Denial was a wonderful thing, especially when the other way led to unimaginable complications.
As if on cue, a rapid stacatto sounded at my door. I didn't even need to open the door to know who was making such a racket. Only a few people knocked like that in our group, and you were one of them. The sinking feeling in my chest gave me a good indication of who to expect even as I cross the short distance to face that barrier.
Brushing aside that moment of hesitation, I braced myself and opened the door. And there you were, in all your Yankii glory, eye to eye with me with that familiar cocky grin.
"So that's where you disappeared to! Ai-chan, how many times must I tell you, you need to learn how to have fun!" You scolded me playfully as you grabbed at my arm, hauling me out by force; not that I was resisting that much, frankly.
I smiled weakly, making the same old excuses of work, work and more work that you so often rolled your eyes at; and you did so now, giving me a cross-eyed glare that made my heart tremble. You said something else, I'm not sure what, because then someone else latched on to us, and my world seemed to fade into that peculiar state of black and white like something out of film noir.
"Mittsi, go tell Eri and Sayu I found our missing leader. And you," here she fixed me with that half-serious, half-joking look. "No running away from the party, you hear?"
I barely paid attention to what was going on, only noticing as you ruffled Aika's hair affectionately, never mind that the girl was growing to be taller than both of us pretty soon. A bitter taste filled my mouth. It was a familiar one. Jealousy had always been a bitter pill to swallow.
You stick closely by my side, talking about the things I missed since my escape to my room earlier. Your animated recollections of those events was probably more entertaining than when they had first happened, and I laughed along, a practiced reflex. Still struggling to reconnect back to reality, and to avoid looking like my mind had been abducted by aliens.
You stop suddenly, in the middle of that interminable corridor leading to the elevators. Turned to me, standing close enough to feel your breath against mine. I stopped breathing entirely, if only to feel that repeated current of warmth across my skin. I was so pathetic.
Am so pathetic.
"Are you really alright, Ai-chan?"
No. "Yes."
You didn't look convinced, your eyes searching mine for some kind of answer, but I remained closed to you. You shrugged, that subtle nod of acceptance evident in the gesture. I had not wanted to share, and you accepted that. I loved you for that. That you didn't ask, when it came down to these things.
You went right back to trying to distract me with your entertaining stories as if nothing had just happened, the only way you knew to break me out of my moods. My eyes chased your shadow, even as you pursued your own shadows. I smiled bravely, casting my doubts aside, enjoying your company.
Don't ever change, Reina. Don't abandon me to myself. I smiled again, and laughed along to another of your jokes.
Thank you for being you.===========================================
I'm tired. Sleep. Yes.
-waddles away-
Topic: Estrea's Sandbox [6/4 - Treat] (Read 240225 times)