@Ai. Love: Nah, I think more prefer Yomiki kiss
@JFC: Nice to see you commenting around again! You're right about the irony part. Kinda sucks
I think ending 2 can just serve as a continuation of ending 1 and hopefully, I have time to write it
To everyone who is waiting or pestering me for this, here is chap 21! I was depressed when I wrote this and I felt even more depressed after writing it..But it doesn't seem so depressing when I read it though. Nothing much happens in here but it serves as the platform for the subsequent chapters! It turns out way longer than I expected.. Enjoy
BTW, the GAM supporters popped out of nowhere! *points at poll*
Chapter 22 will take some time though..my exams are pressing near
Probably it will come in, hopefully, a week's time
F.Y.I
Chapter 21
Definitions of Love
December 24 (8.02pm)
Aya lay on her couch and closed her eyes in an attempt to forget what had taken place over the past 3 days. Everything started with those phone calls in the middle of the night. Then, it was a relatively sweet day before they quarreled in the evening. Today marked the climax with the meeting with Maki followed by that kiss. Those images just seemed too vivid and they overwhelmed her such that whenever she thought of Miki, that kissing image just surfaced in her mind.
The thunder roared and grey clouds hung low in the sky. She feared thunder until she met Miki who was ever so protective of her. Miki always gave her the sense of security and she felt as though she could conquer mountains even when there was a thunderstorm simply because Miki was beside her. But it wasn’t the case tonight. It wouldn’t be the same case again.
She reread the old messages that Miki had sent her years ago and she smiled to herself. It was one of those many messages sent by Miki that she kept. Almost a split second later, she was shot back to reality. How much she wished that she was blind literally and didn’t witness that scene. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she compared the beautiful past with the harsh reality. They always talked about future but would that shared future still exist for them? That same image popped up in her head again and brought pain as usual to her heart.
If Miki called her at this very second, what would she say to Miki? In the past, this question never popped up in her head and she could just talk to Miki about anything and everything. But now, she didn’t know what to say to her. It was almost as hard to start a conversation with Miki as with Maki.
“No one loves by hurting the other intentionally. This isn’t love at all. Maybe you two shouldn’t even love each other in the first place.” This line repeated in her mind.
She wondered, “Love. What is love? Isn’t love something that brings happiness? Why do we hurt each other even though we are in love? Why is love so painful? Before we loved each other, there wasn’t so much pain and angst in our relationship. Is this love?”
The image of that packed lift with Japanese squeezing in which paralleled her love story came to her mind. Those people squeezed in because they felt it was irrational to wait for the next lift as it would result in a loss of time and they felt obliged to squeeze into those packed lifts. But was it rational to squeeze in despite the discomfort? Who was the one who said it was an obligation? Maybe it was time to do something unJapanese. Maybe it was time to step back. Maybe it would be rational to give that lift a miss.
She typed a message on her handphone and clicked on the ‘send’ button to that familiar number. The word ‘unJapanese’ was stuck in her mind as she did so. This was perhaps the biggest decision she had made in her life.
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Rika ate the bowl of noodles in that rather empty Chinese restaurant alone. Somehow, nowadays, she was much more accustomed to loneliness than before. The bowl of noodles she ordered was the same as usual but the noodles tasted different. Maybe it was because she was alone or maybe it was because of the mixed emotions she was having now.
Yossie, the Prince Charming, popped up in her head as always. No matter how many years they had spent together and no matter how she dressed up, she was the Prince Charming in Rika’s mind. This fact would never change. Rika mouthed the words, “I love you…”
Then she visualized the way Yossie and Miki probably kissed today and she frowned. She felt angry because Miki had somehow tweaked her plan in a way that she became much more intimate with Yossie. She felt depressed because she felt that Yossie had cheated behind her back. There was also a burning and surging desire in her to win back Yossie’s heart. But the question was: how?
She had devised a plan to create troubles for GAM such that Miki would spend less time with Yossie but in the end, it had the direct opposite effect. She felt as though she was losing Yossie. It was Christmas Eve and there wasn’t even a single call or message from her. Usually, in the past, they would spend Christmas Eve at one of their apartments and count down to the day of giving together. This year was tragically different.
She thought, “What else can I do? I don’t want to lose her…but so what if everything went according to plan? Will life without Miki makes us a happy couple or is Miki just part of our problems? What is our problem?”
Tears welled up in her eyes as she grew confused. Her eyesight blurred because of the tears and she thought she saw the short-haired Yossie sitting across the table devouring a plate of fried rice. She rubbed her eyes. No, it was just a hallucination.
What was different between now and the past? Back then, they were young, impressionable, innocent and honest…Honesty, was that the key? She recalled just how much she had been keeping from Yossie and shook her head. Even if it wasn’t the key, it should be part of that key which would bring them back to the blissful past and to future happiness.
She took out her handphone from her bag and sent her a short message before praying for the Christmas lights to illuminate their love.
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Miki sat in the rather deserted park near her own apartment alone. It was raining Christmas Eve and most people would be in their homes. But she didn’t want to go back to that empty apartment. It would bring back too much happy memories. She felt that she didn’t have a right to feel happy after what she had done. Maybe she would obtain the right after Aya forgave her. But would Aya forgive her for doing something so childish and irrational? She had put herself in Aya’s shoes numerous times for the past few hours and every single time, she came to the same one conclusion and ending. It was the very same conclusion and ending that she dreaded.
The rain poured down on her. She felt that the sky was punishing her for the sins that she had committed earlier and the pain that she had inflicted on another human being.
I deserve the punishment… She felt at ease sitting on that bench under the rain. At least it concealed her tears.
What went wrong? Was she supposed to give Aya some space? The image of Maki appearing relaxed after the slap came to her mind. She clenched her fists. Perhaps, it was that look on her face that took away her rationality. Was it anger towards Maki or jealousy because she loved Aya? She couldn’t trace back on what she had been thinking of back then. Her mind just worked too quickly earlier jumping into conclusions.
This isn’t love at all. Yossie’s line repeated itself in her mind like a broken melody. She wondered, “I’m willing to die for Aya so that should be love. Is it true that love won’t hurt? Then, why is our love story full of pain? What is love then?”
She felt her handphone vibrated in her pocket. She immediately flipped open her handphone and read the message. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw who the sender was. It wrote as followed: Happy Christmas Eve. Let’s meet up at the park that is near to your place around 4pm tomorrow. See you.” She immediately replied, “Ok, see you then!”
She could imagine how Aya said that lifelessly in that blunt and flat voice. There wasn’t the usual ‘I love you’ or something along that line in that message. But what could she expect after hurting her so badly? She had no rights to make Aya feel obliged to say ‘I love you’. She felt delighted that they were meeting up tomorrow but what could she say to Aya apart from ‘I am sorry’? What would Aya say to her anyway? Would she give her that Christmas gift that she dreaded?
She murmured to herself, “I deserve what I get…I reap what I sow…”
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Yossie entered her apartment and she wasn’t surprised to see Miki gone without a note or anything. In fact, she was happier alone. At least she would have the chance to sort her thoughts out.
“Don’t joke about this Yossie. You like Rika. Our relationship isn’t heading anywhere towards love. Not even with the kiss.” That painful few lines inadvertently popped up in her mind. She asked herself, “If this is not, what will a relationship heading towards love feels like then?”
Frustrated that she couldn’t answer her own question, she decided to listen to the voice-mails on her answering machine. Maki always told her that engaging in daily chores could allow one to momentarily forget all the troubles. She reckoned that this was a pretty good and tested method as Maki had quite a lot of troubles and worries.
There was only one voice-mail on her answering machine and it was from an unexpected person – Junjun. Junjun spoke in a chirpy voice, “Yossie, thanks for your help 2 weeks ago. I don’t think I need it anymore though. During the gathering, Aika said she saw me as her godsister and I agreed to play that role in her life. It has been 2 weeks and I feel really happy with where our relationship is heading towards. Maybe I just thought too much in the past. Maybe I’ve seen her just as a special friend all along and nothing else apart from that. Thank you very much for guiding and helping me.”
She thought, “Special friend? Are you my special friend? Is that where our relationship is heading towards, Fujimoto? Is that how I feel towards you? If it is the case, then how does a love relationship feel like? How does it feel to be in love?”
Even a horrible person like me knows that love doesn’t come from the mouth; love comes from the heart. That line repeated itself in her head. Not that Miki was a horrible person but she knew that she used pick-up lines to represent love and she never loved with her heart. Maybe that’s why she never felt any pain in this 7 years love because she never even loved at all. Now the pain she was suffering from wasn’t because of love but because she didn’t know how to love.
All along, she was happy flirting around with Rika or simply, with anyone. A few days ago, she thought that she never dedicated herself fully to Rika. But the fact might be that she never dedicated herself at all. The guilt that she felt towards Rika piled up in her chest because she knew that Rika gave all that she had in their relationship.
She thought, “I had said ‘I love you’ over a million times in my life already. But, have I even once meant those words? Have I even once said them from the bottom of my heart? I have a lover but I have never been in love - that kind of real love that breaks one’s heart before mending it back.”
Her handphone vibrated and she immediately grabbed it and read the message. It was from Rika. It read: Yossie, can we meet up tomorrow at that Chinese restaurant around 5pm? Merry Christmas in advance!” She replied okay and wished her Merry Christmas in advance as well.
The message just came so timely. She knew she needed to speak to Rika as well. She gazed at the hand-made book lying on her bookshelf. Perhaps that could be part of the Christmas present for her this year.
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It had been a pretty tiring afternoon for Maki after Aya left as she went running from place to place and jostling with the crowds to buy the Christmas gift for Aya. She swore that this would be the last time she shopped on Christmas Eve. She entered her hotel room and gazed at the gift in her hand. She smiled to herself as she imagined Aya’s delighted look when she gave her the gift tomorrow.
Images of the soulless and crying Aya in her embrace surfaced in her mind. How much she wanted to protect Aya and give her that sense of security. How much she wanted to kill Miki for hurting Aya like that. But she didn’t have a right to hate Miki because she had hurt Aya with the same intensity or even more in the past. She felt she didn’t have the right to protect Aya as well as she was the one who had thrown it out of the window when she decided to choose her career over Aya.
She murmured to herself, “Perhaps I can earn that right back.”
Topic: F.Y.I 29 - Recurring Moments (Read 150683 times)