Okay, here is the long overdue chapter 28. Hope you will like it.
Please comment..
F.Y.I
Chapter 28
Unanswered Questions
January 1 (2.00am)
She tossed in her bed yet again, unable to fight the insomnia that had been haunting her ever since that night when she pushed the other girl away from her. It was the start of winter yet the warmth she felt in the darkness of her room from the distant heater seemed to make her forget which season it was.
“I love you,” Yossie murmured to herself. She sighed loudly as the image of the girl lying on top of her and the sensation when their lips touched surfaced in her mind. “Is that love?” She asked aloud, not expecting any answers. After all, no one was there to grant her any answer when she was confused all these while as to where the line between love and friendship was and where her heart actually resided. Was it with the girl she always thought she loved? Or was it with the girl who had physical contact with her on that night? She could not answer her own question but all she knew for the time being was that whenever the phrase “I love you” popped up in her mind, she could only see Fujimoto Miki and hear her cries and pleads playing over and over again at the back of her head.
But whenever she heard the 3 words enunciated, the line “I’ll wait for you” would pop up in her head and she couldn’t help but to recall how innocently happy that girl was when she said that. That image used to bring her strength but now it brought her into a state of confusion. Innocence. She could not imagine how that same girl was capable of writing those senseless letters. How time can change someone. Was she supposed to like her for that? But after all, she knew that those letters were written because of her desire to keep her lover with her. Desire. It was a word that brought the image of the other girl back into her mind.
The heater rumbles, disrupting her train of thought and brought her back to reality.
Yes, it was all a fantasy. It was all nothing but a dream. When I eventually wake up, my one and only noisy and rude friend will still be beside me and there would be no awkwardness and guilt resting between us. Most importantly, there would not be that tingle of passion. And Rika will be beside me, giggling and laughing away. But she knew better than anyone else that it was not a dream.
The telephone rang, reiterating the fact that it was not a dream. She picked up the phone on the 5th ring and said rather flatly, “Hello.”
“Hey Yossie.”
She felt butterflies flutter in her stomach as she replied as nonchalantly as she could, “Hey Fujimoto, what’s up?”
“Sorry, did I wake you up?” she asked in a concerned manner.
“No,” she answered quickly.
“Oh okay,” Miki said softly. There was a short period of silence before she said in a rehearsed manner, “Yossie, sorry for calling at this hour of the night. I just want to get some things off my chest.”
“Shoot.”
That sounds like the normal Yoshizawa Hitomi right? Yeah, that should be what I usually will say when she calls. That is.“I know I have to say this to you but I don’t think I have the guts to say this when I see you so I decide to just say it over the phone,” she said in that same well-rehearsed manner.
“Are you drinking again?” she asked interrogatively.
That is what I will usually say when she sounds so honest and sincere over the phone. I think so.Miki let out a short laughter before she continued, “You know me so well. Yeah, I am. But I am still pretty much sober now.”
“That’s good.” She took in a deep breath upon completing the sentence in an attempt to calm herself down.
Why am I so nervous? “Yossie, thanks for bringing me to your house that night and I’m sorry for anything that I’ve done or said on that night.”
Does she remember what she actually did that night? Should I ask her? “No problem, Fujimoto. Do you-”
Miki interrupted rudely, “I didn’t intend to drink that much but it’s just that…the pain in my heart was too suffocating.”
Pain? Over the incident in the airport? “Are you feeling better now?”
“Not really, but it’s not as sharp as before.”
Yossie could hear the other girl’s soft sobs over the phone and decided to stay silent in the hope that she could tell her more about what had happened to her over the past few days that had weakened her considerably.
“I know I have no rights to feel hurt. After all, I was the one who inflicted pain on her in the first place. Why did it turn out this way? Why?”
Yossie knew all too well who she was referring to. She started, “Maybe-”
Miki interrupted again, “Maybe we are not meant to be together after all. Maybe we should just stay as friends... Then maybe I can speak to her in the same way I’m speaking to you now.”
Yossie fell silent. For the first time in many years, she did not know what to say to Miki.
Why did she say this? What does she mean? What can’t she be rude and annoying as always? She murmured, “What a bad way to start the year - to find myself dumbfounded in a telephone conversation.”
“Oh by the way, Happy New Year leader,” Miki rushed through her words. “It’s getting late, you should turn in soon.”
“Happy New Year-,” Yossie said quickly as she was elated to be able to find some words to add to the conversation. Before she could complete her sentence, the caller hung up on her. She felt the tension in her chest easing and her heartbeat resuming its normal momentum. “Miki,” she said with a smile on her face as she recalled someone who told her that love is something that makes one behave abnormally. Maybe that was the answer she was looking for.
She made her way back to the bed and closed her eyes and allowed the telephone conversation that she just had to replay in her mind.
“Maybe we are not meant to be together after all. Maybe we should just stay as friends... Then maybe I can speak to her in the same way I’m speaking to you now.” She knew very well that she should not take the words of a drinking lady seriously but she was happily deluded. She also knew very well that she still hadn’t figured out the boundary between love and friendship and what love truly meant but it didn’t matter at this moment as she wanted to live in this blissful dream for a while longer. She fell asleep soon after.
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January 1 (2.15am)
After she hung up the phone, she let out a sigh of relief. She then picked up the glass of orange juice on the coffee table and took a sip before smiling weakly to herself. How sad it was that she had to lie over the phone that she was drinking alcohol instead of orange juice to defend her pride and ego. How sad it was that she could not tell the person whom she trusted the most that those were her honest words. How sad it was that she had to express her gratitude and apologies vaguely even though she knew what she thanked her for and apologized for. She thanked her for always being there when she was most vulnerable and for pushing her away on that night and she apologized for using her to spite her lover and for that passionate act.
“I hope she knows what I’m referring to,” she said aloud. After all, if Yossie did not manage to grasp the meaning behind those words, no one would. And even if she didn’t manage to comprehend, she would not confront her; in fact she would not even mention about the conversation as she would knew that the conversation covered sensitive areas. She would. Maybe that’s why she enjoyed talking to Yossie. She never asked the wrong questions.
She placed the glass of orange juice gently on the coaster and switched on the television. The actor placed the ring on the actress’ left middle finger and promised to spend the rest of his life with her. She wondered how they felt when they had to say those mushy lines. Did they really put themselves in the shoes of the characters or did they just add in a lot of extra effects to make it seem as though they did? She would definitely have done the latter. “Why bother?” she would question whoever who asked her to put herself in the shoes of the character. But tonight, she tried. She tried to not be Fujimoto Miki. She tried to be truly honest and sincere in her conversation just like
any character in a television series.
But the natural defensive mechanism to safeguard her pride overpowered her determination to sound honest and sincere. She had to lie, rush through her words to make it sound as though it was a well-rehearsed script so that her pride would not be hurt. Tears welled up in her eyes as she thought, “If I cannot even reveal my true emotions to Yossie, then who can I reveal to? Who can I trust?”
On the screen, the leads survived the gunfire and swore to be with each other for the rest of their lives.
“How familiar,” she muttered. It reminded her of that day when she woke up in the hospital to find Aya sitting beside her and then they promised to love each other forever. Then, she recalled the series of events prior to that promise.
Maybe Aya was right about my pride. I cannot even be damn honest to my good friend like any other girl over the phone. Tears rolled down her cheeks uncontrollably. Aya’s words played in her mind, “I think we have forgotten why we love each other in the first place.”
Why did I love her? Because of her charm? Or because she was loved by someone else? When did I love her? Since the first day we met 7 years ago or since the first day when I saw her smiling happily at Goto? The questions replayed themselves in her mind relentlessly and eventually she cried herself into sleep.
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January 1 (9.03am)
“Happy New Year Aika!” Yossie exclaimed as she gave the young girl a tight hug.
As she made her way down the corridor towards her favourite café – one of the H!P members’ hangout area, she met a group of H!P kids and wished each and every one a Happy New Year and gave all of them a good tight hug. Maybe this was happiness.
As she entered the café and wished the waiters and waitresses a Happy New Year, the other customers turned and shot her weird looks. But it didn’t bother her. Maybe that was bliss.
Then from the corner of her eye, she saw the familiar silhouette alone in the corner of the restaurant. Suddenly, her heart sank. She felt as though she was shot right out of her dreamland where everything was simple into an uglier reality where there wasn’t an ‘Undo’ button. She walked towards the girl habitually, desperately thinking of a way to start the conversation. Eventually, it was her who said, “Happy New Year Yossie.”
She replied hastily, “Happy New Year Rika.” She clearly did not notice the girl’s awkwardness as she pulled out a chair and sat across her. “Rika why are you all alone?” she asked as flirtatiously as she could with a smile on her face as she was determined to have a ‘normal’ conversation after last night’s phone call that had left her dumbfounded for some seconds.
Rika leaned forward and placed her right index finger on her lips before she whispered softly, “I’m waiting for them to arrive.” She bowed her head like a shy high school girl who was about to confess before she said, “Yossie actually-”
“Them?” Yossie leaned forward and asked curiously. “Melon Kinebi?”
“No,” Rika answered flatly before she stood up and waved frantically at the group of girls who just entered the restaurant.
Yossie asked with an eyebrow raised, “You are waiting for Yuko, Nacchi and Mari? When did you guys become such good-”
Before Yossie could complete her sentence, she felt a slap on her back. “Hey Yossie, Happy New Year! Why did you not turn up for the meeting the last time round?” Yuko asked.
“Meeting? What meeting?” she asked with a frown on her face.
“No strings attached. You are part of the team right?” Yuko replied nonchalantly as she pulled out a chair and sat on it.
Yossie immediately turned and looked at Rika and grabbed her arms tightly. She raised her voice, “What is no strings attached? What the hell are you guys doing or planning to do?”
Rika replied weakly, “I wanted to tell you about the project just now.”
“What project?” This time round, she was literally shouting.
Nacchi placed both hands on Yossie’s back and whispered into her ears, “You don’t want the whole café to know what is going on in H!P right? Chill.”
Yossie took in a deep breath but she could not stop the anger from growing inside her. She recalled how frightened Eri looked when she told her about the threat letters and how terrible Miki looked when she cried on her shoulders in the airport and how hurt she was that night when she was drunk. She looked at Nacchi and said flatly, “Please sum up what you guys are up to.”
Nacchi smiled, glad that her junior obeyed her instructions, before she said, “The other day, Rika and Eri confessed to us that they were the ones behind those letters to Aya and Rika said it was just an attempt to tame Miki and to keep you with her.” Nacchi paused to allow the effects of her words to sink in before she continued, “They told us that things had evolved in a way beyond their imagination and they hoped that we could help in this project entitled ‘No strings attached’ designed to mend their relationship.” She winked before she said with a lilt in her voice, “They knew we are experienced matchmakers!”
The other 2 senior members laughed but Yossie remained silent as she did not quite know how to react. She felt glad that Rika was, in a way, taking responsibility for her actions and maybe, perhaps, the project may be feasible and she would not have to see Miki hurt and devastated again. But, then again, knowing how much these people around the table disliked Miki, it would be more possible for them to sit around and discuss ways to harm Miki than to help her. “Then maybe I can speak to her in the same way I’m speaking to you now…” This line played continuously in her head, urging her to protect the girl whom she finally decided she liked.
“Yossie, are you okay?” Nacchi asked as she held her junior’s arms gently, bringing Yossie back into reality.
Yossie ignored Nacchi’s concern and looked straight into Rika’s eyes and spoke as softly as she could, “Can you stop this project? You’ve hurt her and this fact will not change no matter what you do. And your plans are all so downright atrocious and lousy! You will just end up hurting her even more. Please stop.”
Yossie then rushed out of the restaurant with tears flowing out of her eyes. She knew that Rika did all these in an attempt to keep her heart but somehow the pain seemed unbearable when those words were pronounced. Prior to hearing these lines, she could still con herself into thinking that it was all an illusion. But now she could not live in delusion any longer. She had to face up to the fact that she was the reason why Miki was hurt so deeply and she did not deserve the bliss that she felt earlier.
Back in the restaurant, Mari asked aloud, “I wonder who Yossie is so concerned about. Is it Miki or Aya?”
No one answered her question. They knew who that person was in their hearts.
Topic: F.Y.I 29 - Recurring Moments (Read 125526 times)