I added some chapter numbers because I supposed one must have an order of things.
This is what you get when you try to get Fen to randomly name a chapter without her knowing she's naming a chapter
:
7: Feet Aibutts Chips HDDs Commies"And then you turn left, left again, make a right at the door, right, right, left, up the stairs, back down the stairs, shake your booty, and then do a cartwheel into room 2409," Fen explained seriously. "And don't forget that cartwheel. If you don't do it, you'll have to go through the whole procedure again, and you do
not want to waste your precious time. It happened a few years ago when I wanted to get this game creator's autograph, and I'm tellin' ya, it sucked big time."
The three Japanese Hellopro fans nodded throughout the explanation, one even taking detailed notes. They had been confused during the badge pick up and Fen had graciously helped them by providing them with more information on how to get Morning Musume's autographs come Friday.
"Do you have to have perfect form for the cartwheel?" Fan 1 asked.
"No," Fen said, shaking her head. "As long as it can technically be called a cartwheel, you're good. Oh, and you might want to empty out your pockets beforehand. I've seen a lot of suckers lose their money and cell phones trying to get autographs."
"Oooo, ahhhh," the three fans said as they nodded and made mental notes to secure all of their personal items before engaging in reckless autograph getting.
"Remember, always practice safe cartwheeling!" Commie said brightly.
Everybody stared at her funny and then ignored her.
"Oh, and one final thing," Fen called out as the three fans stood up to leave. Her voice took on a sombre tone, and thinking about the mayhem she felt sure was yet to come, she sighed sadly. "Watch your backs."
The three fans looked horrified by her words. They stared at each other and wondered if this trip was the worst mistake of their lives. Maybe there
was something that was not worth facing in order to meet Morning Musume.
"Uh," Commie butted in desperately and trying to sound cheerful, "she just means cuz this is America and it's all dangerous and stuff."
The three fans nodded hesitantly, still a little suspicious of Fen's words but willing to face a few knocks for the sake of getting Momusu autographs. They thanked Fen for her help and left in a hurry.
"Fen, don't scare people like that," Commie hissed in a quiet voice. "If you start to get all gloomy, people are gonna start asking questions, and eventually they're gonna find out about Miki-sama."
Fen ignored Commie's rebukes and sat in deep thought for several minutes before speaking.
"The leg cramp cover story will work, but if anything else strange happens, we're going to have a hard time passing it off as normal. We have to find Miki-sama and see what she knows."
Commie sat down on the floor beside Fen's chair and they did some thinking.
"She's probably not going to come to us willingly. Otherwise, she would have already made contact," Commie said.
"Right," Fen agreed, a smile starting to spread across her face as a plan formed in her mind. "So what we need is bait."
"What are you thinking?" Commie asked with a perplexed frown.
"What does Miki-sama love more than anything else in the world, Commie?" Fen asked, her answer clearly already in mind.
"Er..." Commie hummed, trying to decide the answer out of the ten choices she thought of off the top of her head. "Meat?"
"No, dummy," Fen said, inevitably giving Commie a smack in her head. "Molestation!"
Commie rubbed her head and frowned some more.
"So, uh, how are we gonna use that to our advantage? You can't exactly dangle molestation at the end of a fishing rod."
She thought her answer was clever and witty, but all she got was another bash in the head and a glare from Fen.
"
Obviously what we have to do is create an opportunity for her to use her groping hands. Once we have her cornered, we'll be able to interrogate her."
Commie continued to rub her head more out of habit than anything else. She suddenly smiled brightly.
"That
is a good idea!" she declared, jumping up. "And I know of the perfect scenario."
Fen was about to ask what it was when Davetron walked up to the pair.
"Hey, guys. Um, could we get going? It's kind of boring watching people register."
ComFen shared a look and then both nodded firmly.
"Let's go find the rest of the gang. JPH!P's waiting to see us," Fen said.
ComTron began to march towards the exit when Fen called out.
"Excuse me! Forgetting something?"
ComTron turned around and saw Fen sitting helplessly in the chair, pointing at her legs and looking at Commie pointedly. Commie groaned inwardly as she walked back to the chair. Fen raised both arms out straight and looked at Commie expectantly. With a sigh, Commie did what she had to do.
*****
Commie placed Fen down on another conveniently placed chair outside the registration hall and ComTron sat on the floor, waiting for Hipsters to start gathering. Sure enough, they came by one by one.
And now the members of the forum. Starring... Commie!
Theeeere was Tenkei and Daigong and Dinny and Tris-chan and Mugen, KT, Ping, and Sev.And the song is over because while Warner had the patience to write a song about the countries of the world for Yakko, Commie does not have the patience to write a song about the members of JPH!P for Commie. But even though no song exists, it is safe to say that many forum members gathered 'round ComFenTron. They all began to talk excitedly with each other, each sub-group with a unique topic.
"I'm from California, but the cool part."
"...AT&T, but I'd switch over if I had a good reason to."
"Did you
see the butt on her?!"
"Montreal, eh? I crossed the border once to go drinking there."
"I prefer Jessica, but..."
"GIVE ME BACK MY OLIVES!!!"
"That is not the correct way to thread a needle."
Etcetera.
"Hey, ComCom. You up for a little in 'n out?" Tenkei asked Commie.
"
Excuse me?" Commie asked, taken aback at such a bold request.
"It's a fast food restaurant, Commie," Fen clarified before punches were thrown.
"Oooohh," Commie cried out loudly in relief. "I knew that. Sorry. Mind somewhere else."
People in Commie's immediate vicinity furrowed their eyebrows and wondered suspiciously what Commie was thinking about.
"Ehehe," ComCom said, laughing nervously and addressing TenTen. "Well, maybe. We might have other business to attend to..."
Com and Fen shared secret-but-not-so-secret-cuz-everyone-saw looks.
"Yeah, uh, my legs kinda hurt and we have to wake up early tomorrow, so maybe we should try and head home earlier," Fen added.
Though there was a slight problem. How would Fen drive?! Commie didn't even have her Canadian driver's licence, and while Tron had his Australian licence, he had no international licence. It was quite the predicament.
"I need to go to the washroom!" Fen announced.
Commie jumped up.
"I'll take you!"
Fen gave Commie a mischievous look, and tears slid down Commie's cheeks as she remembered what moving Fen entailed.
"Why are you crying?" asked the voice of an angel (author's note: this is a common epithet for Tris-chan in such highbrow literature as
ComFen Adventures and Dostoyevsky 's
Crime and Punishment ).
Commie took one look at Tris and burst out sobbing.
"I really want to help Fen, but I don't want to have to deal with what comes out of it. What do I do?"
Tris opened up her arms and let Commie cry on her shoulder.
"There there, my child," Tris sang in a soothing voice, stroking Commie's hair in a comforting fashion. "Comfess your sins to me and you will be forgiven."
Commie sniffed.
"Well, when I was four years old, I found-"
"Ahem."
Commie tensed up and looked back. Fen was sitting in her chair, arms crossed impatiently and looking like she was about to explode. Commie extricated herself from the angel's caring hold and went to help Fen.
"Comfess your sins? What is this? Stroking Commie's Ego Day?" Fen ranted angrily. "So everything that starts with 'con' gets to turn into your name? What about
my name, huh? How about every time we want to say 'fun', we say 'Fen' instead?"
"Uh, so, if I wanted to say 'I'm gonna have fun tonight', I'd have to say 'I'm gonna have Fen tonight'?" Daigong asked, looking rather pleased with himself.
Everyone in the group snickered while Fen re-evaluated her idea.
"Let me give this some more thought before we come to a final agreement," Fen mumbled
Tenkei nodded, straightening out some papers that had magically appeared in his hands.
"I'll call for a shareholders' meeting tomorrow and let them know they should bring their ideas to the table," he said in a professional tone.
"Oh, and make sure Clarence is there on time. He's always late," Fen ordered.
"Will do, Fun- er, Fen," Ten acknowledged.
Everyone watched this strange exchange take place without a single clue as to what was happening. But just as quickly and randomly as this strange office performance had started, it stopped.
"So anyway," Fen said, "Let's Washroom!"
Commie nodded slowly, and doing what she had to do, the two made their way to the washroom on one set of legs.
********
In the washroom, Fen sat on a conveniently placed chair and Commie yanki squatted beside her.
"I..." Fen began, "...can't even remember why we're here."
Commie almost fell down.
"In 'n Out," she clarified.
"I beg your pardon?!?" Fen cried out.
"The restaurant, man," Commie said with a frown. "What were
you thinking?"
Fen shook her head.
"Never mind. Here are our options. First option: we get Dave to drive and pray we don't get pulled over by super hot LA cops."
Commie had wonderful visions of such a thing happening.
"Second option: we get Dinny or Tenkei to drive us and then have whoever it is stay over with us."
Slumber party fun certainly sounded nice. Plus if ComDin could gang up on Fen, life would be awesome. If Ten slept over, it'd have to be ComFen versus TenTen, because boys have cooties.
"Third and final option: we wait a while, and if my legs are feeling better, I'll be able to drive us back."
Probably the most convenient of the options, though perhaps not the safest should Fen's legs cramp up in mid drive.
"We have not explored a fourth option," Commie pointed out.
"Oh? What's the fourth option?" Fen asked, all ears.
"I drive!"
There was a moment of terrifying silence, and the two imagined what would happen if Commie was allowed behind the wheel....
[The scene that belongs here has been omitted due to its graphic content and in fear of copycat criminals. Should the reader wish to read the original and uncut manuscript of this story, please submit an application form (downloadable at the ComFen homepage) and have it signed by three witnesses, the Pope, and the third minister of Djibouti. Please note that it may take up to eight hundred and three business years to process your request.]
They left the washroom in a daze. After imagining Commie driving, Fen had beaten Commie up and then forced her to carry her back out. An exhausted Commie dumped Fen in the chair and collapsed on the floor beside Tenkei and across from Daigong and Sev, the latter two who were having some perverted conversation about bunny rabbits ('Don't ask, don't tell' was ComFen's motto for cases like this).
"AIBUTT!" Fen screamed.
Commie freaked out, jumped up, and screamed for her mother. Everyone else was not such a spazz. Com sat back down and was angered by the fact that nobody else was weirded out by Fen's strange behaviour. In fact, they seemed to encourage it.
"AIBUTT!" Dinny echoed several minutes later, Commie reacting in the same way as before.
"TENBUTT!" Teneki yelled in Commie's ear.
"AAAAAAAAH!!" Commie screamed, running out of the hallway.
"What's
her problem?" Ping asked, cradling his JPH!P microphone tenderly.
Fen shrugged.
"Too much sugar, not enough, small brain size, ... Take your pick."
"All of the above," Daigong laughed. "But meh, we all know Aussies are a little weird in the head."
Dave cleared his throat.
"Except you, man," Daigong amended, punching the Tron in the shoulder.
"But Commie's not-" Davetron began, but was interrupted by a Pink Power Ranger cosplayer walking by.
Most of the JPH!P crowd started drooling automatically.
Pursuit was given, and while photos were snapped, Fen sat in her chair alone with a pout while Commie rocked herself into a calmed state in a quiet corner of the Convention Center.
The ComFen duo was separated, and separate meant weaker. What would happen?! Would Fen be able to drive? Would there be a three person slumber party? Would the Hipsters dine at In 'n Out? Would Commie's supposedly perfect scenario from the first part of the story ever be explained?
Tablespoon....
Topic: ComFen Adventures ~Order Restored, H!P Saved~ (Read 22680 times)