CloserIt was not a quiet home Ai returned to, late the following evening. The TV provided an unquiet babble to her usual silences, and the second tenant of her apartment joined in harmony with it.
"Ai-chan! There you are." Risa's greeting seemed more restrained than usual, and Ai closed her eyes, trying to shut out the dissonance she felt.
"I'm home." A bland little smile coloured those words, even as Ai clung on to the memory of the relaxing evening she had spent prior at Reina's place.
"Ah, welcome back." There was a tight, tense moment between the two girls, before Ai smoothly broke it by walking up to Risa and taking her hand in her own, a lightly teasing note in her voice as she asked.
"So, did you miss me?" Risa snorted, batting playfully at Ai's shoulder.
"Don't flatter yourself."
But the way she tightened her grip ever so slightly on Ai's hand said otherwise, and Ai smiled, gently freeing her own hand.
As she headed to her room, shrugging her coat off in the process, she could hear Risa padding quietly after her. She was about to ask if she wanted something, when Risa suddenly hugged her from behind, burying her face in her back.
"Did you want something?" Ai managed to even sound gentle, patting Risa's hands that encircled her waist.
"You're not wearing the same clothes from the day before." Risa tried very hard to keep the accusatory note from her voice, but Ai nevertheless still picked up on the fringes of it.
"I borrowed my friend's clothes." Which was true, as far as it went. Then again, it was difficult to keep track of which clothes were originally hers to begin with or something belonging to Reina. Naturally, that was another fact Risa didn't have to know about.
"Is it that Reina girl's?" Risa tried to keep her voice neutral, but it was not an easy task. Ai did not even pause as she replied.
"Yes."
Risa flinched back slightly, as if stung by the confession. It didn't take much to make that mental leap forward. Ai had all but told her out loud that she had spent the night over at Reina's.
"Why do you spend so much time with her?" Risa tried not to sound whiny, as she couldn't help but feel left out the moment Reina came into the picture. Ai glanced over her shoulder.
"She's my friend. It's how we've always been."
The matter-of-fact tone stung more than anything else. Risa couldn't help but remember the pictures she saw in the shoebox. The way Reina and Ai had been so close,
were still so close, troubled her.
"But I'm your girlfriend."
"Yes." A robot would have had more emotion than Ai. The older girl seemed to be processing some kind of information within her head, and only gave the most perfunctory of answers.
"If I asked you not to see her again, would you do so?"
"No." Ai removed herself from the embrace, walking forward to her side of the room. "I don't see why there would be a problem with seeing her..." She broke off as she noticed something out of the ordinary.
"Did you move my things?" Kneeling down by the pile of magazines, Ai carefully took the shoebox out, opening the lid. The scattered contents within confirmed her suspicions.
"I..." Risa wanted to say something, but she wasn't sure what she
could say. Ai started rearranging the photos back into their neat bundles, her back turned to Risa.
"Don't touch my things next time." There was a definite icy note to her words. Risa flushed, whether with embarrassment or anger, she wasn't quite sure.
"Why do you keep all those photos of her like that? Why do you even
have so many photos with her?" Risa burst out, unable to keep from asking. Ai paused.
"Because Reina likes to take pictures, and she always drags me in." Ai replied evenly, continuing on in her task. Risa looked away.
"But you don't even
like to be photographed..."
Ai chuckled quietly. "Gaki-san, look at what I'm doing for a living. I don't think it's a matter of liking it or not. I just have to do it. It comes with the job."
"You looked happy in those photos."
"It's fun to be with Reina." Ai answered simply, putting the lid on carefully and placing it back in its original spot. Risa stared at her own feet, before asking quietly.
"Do you like being with me?"
Ai considered that. Her momentary silence only served to fill Risa with dread, and a rising anger slowly bubbled up within her.
"Risa is nice." The response was thoughtful, yet somehow noncommittal at the same time.
It hurt. That kind of consideration hurt. Ai had stood in that moment of silence, moving quietly over to her closet to grab some clothes. Without even looking in Risa's direction, she headed in the direction of the bathroom.
Before she could get there though, Risa walked in front of her, blocking her path.
"Tell me something, Ai-chan. Which of us do you care for more?"
Ai stared at Risa blankly. The question hung between them for a long moment, before Ai exhaled in a long breath.
"Reina is Reina. Risa is Risa. Both of you are different. Don't compare yourself to her."
"You're not answering the question." Risa replied flatly, crossing her arms. A flicker passed through Ai's eyes, her jaw line tightening briefly.
"I don't want to talk about this right now." Ai finally said, wearily. She would have stepped past Risa, had the younger girl not reached out to grab her arm.
"I need to know, Ai-chan. I need to know where we stand."
I need to know if you were ever mine to begin with."You're my girlfriend. Reina is my friend. That's all you need to know." Ai wanted to run away from this conversation. It was making her head hurt. Unconsciously, she recalled the relaxing evening she had spent with Reina again. She wished she could be there right now, lounging around on the couch with Reina and watching movies together. There were no awkward questions there. Just blissful quiet.
"Do you even
love me?"
"Do you?" Ai's gaze was suddenly, almost abruptly, direct. Her eyes seemed very dark, almost bottomless in depth. Unable to meet that frank look, Risa averted her own eyes, her hands tightening into fists by her sides.
"Don't ask me that kind of question if you can't even answer that." Ai's voice was flat, almost emotionless...except not quite. There seemed to be a hidden undercurrent of old hurt, the words laced with the bitterness of faith betrayed.
"I love you!" Risa felt impelled to declare, impulsively reaching out to take hold of Ai's arm. "So tell me!"
Tell me what's wrong.Ai slowly, deliberately, ran her gaze up and down Risa's impassioned face, a hint of melancholy lingering in her eyes. With her free hand she reached out to trace Risa's cheek almost fondly, before tucking a stray strand of hair behind one earlobe.
"You don't." Ai's reply was sad, and Risa felt compelled to protest against it, and would have done so, had not Ai's finger pressed firmly against her lips to quiet her.
"What you love is your
image of me. You've never really looked at
me." Another helpless protest bubbled up within her throat, but was suppressed more by the worn, dejected expression Ai wore than any inability to speak.
"I am not the girl you used to know. If I ever was, that is."
"I'm willing to learn." The answer managed to wrest some surprise out of the jaded Ai, who looked at Risa more closely this time. The younger girl had her head down, her hand now clutching Ai's sleeve in a weak two-fingered grip, almost helplessly.
"I...I want to know more about you." Risa ground out bravely through gritted teeth. "If you say I don't understand, then
teach me."
Ai had not expected that from Risa. She had...well, honestly speaking, she never had any expectations from the girl. From the very beginning, even before this whole mess had even started, Risa had always been peripheral to her interests. It was fun to hang out with her and Sayu together before, but Ai had always been distinctly aware of the fact that they were different from her...or was it her from them?
It wasn't until after she had met Reina that she figured out the difference in the friendships she had with them. There was definitely a difference between having to have fun, and just
having fun for its own sake.
Reina was not the same as her. Ai knew that from the first day she had seen the girl. Yet for all of their differences, Reina had been able to reach out to her. She had not asked anything, merely that Ai have fun just...
being. To live for the moment, to just have fun. To make full use of one's short life on this earth. That was the kind of person Reina had taught her to be.
Ai was dimly aware that Risa was still expecting a response from her, the silence hanging heavy between them. The atmosphere was thick, almost suffocating. There were so many expectations there, dragging her down, choking her. It hurt to be here.
Closing her eyes, Ai slowly exhaled to regain her wits. Her voice, when she spoke, was quiet.
"I cannot." At the obvious look of hurt in Risa's eyes, Ai continued.
"It is not something that...can...be...taught..." Every word left her lips bearing the stress of a thousand concerns. "There is...too much to tell." A shaky, brittle laugh. "I wouldn't even know where to begin, or how."
"Then start from the beginning. I'm not afraid." Risa insisted. Ai shook her head.
"You should be. There are things that you are better off not knowing." Ai's voice was dark, her eyes haunted by some shadow.
"I want to know!" Risa almost shouted, taking Ai by the shoulders and forcing the older girl to face her. "Why won't you tell me?"
Ai's lips moved soundlessly for a moment, but no sound issued from them. Something else did though. A ringtone cut through the tense atmosphere, chirping its cheery call.
It's not mine. The thought flashed through Risa's mind, even as Ai gently but firmly disengaged one of her arms in order to reach for her cell phone.
"Don't pick up." Risa's tone was tense, urgent and...afraid? Ai did not look at her, staring instead at the caller id displayed on the screen.
"Don't pick up. Talk to me." Risa all but begged Ai, tightening her grip on Ai's arm almost unconsciously. A muscle in Ai's jaw flexed stubbornly, and she quite deliberately answered the call without meeting Risa's gaze.
"Reina?"
The name had the impact of a physical blow on Risa, her face tightening into a grimace. If Ai noticed it, she chose to ignore it, focusing instead on the voice coming through her phone.
"You left your schedule book over at my place. Do you need it now or should I pass it to you next time I see you at work?""And when will that be?" Ai's voice regained some life to it at this mundane conversation, and Risa could not help but notice the light, flirtatious tone Ai had unconsciously (or not) adopted.
"If your schedule's up to date, that'll be next week when we're both at the agency at the same time.""Don't make me wait so long for it~" Risa winced, any number of possible scenarios for the kind of conversation Reina and Ai were having coming to her mind. Even worse, none of them were particularly innocent.
There was a pause on the other end of the line, before Reina responded.
"Are you alright?"No. Ai mentally said, knowing that Reina could not possibly hear her over the line, and that there was no way for the normally astute girl to pick up on her body language for cues either. Irrationally though, she still somehow expected Reina to get the hint.
She could almost sense Reina take a breath on the other side, as if about to say something, but apparently thinking better of it, since her next words were almost entirely neutral.
"I'll see you soon then." Another pause.
"Take care.""Be seeing you..." Ai all but whispered into the phone, holding on longer than strictly necessary until she heard Reina hanging up on the other end.
"Why her? Why can you talk to her and not me?" Frustration, rejection, hurt; all these things were present in Risa's voice. Ai stayed silent, snapping her phone shut and slipping it back into a pocket. Risa continued on, obviously getting more worked up by the moment.
"I'm your
girlfriend, for goodness sake. And she is only, if I am to believe you, your
friend." Risa's fingers were digging almost painfully into Ai's shoulders, but still the older girl remained immobile.
"I don't understand why you are so close to her...I knew you first!"
Ai looked up at that, her jaw clenching slightly. Slowly, she forced out a reply.
"Reina is...different." A pause. "She was here for me..."
"
You were the one who didn't want me to be here!" Risa cried out, shaking Ai to emphasize her words. "
You said that you didn't want us to get caught..."
"Did you really think Reina only just appeared recently?" Ai asked her seriously. Risa stared at her, trying to process that. Ai continued on, haltingly, as if reluctant to touch on the matter.
"She was...here...for me when I really needed it,
before I ever knew that you liked me that way." Ai shook her head once, twice, as if trying to rid herself of a bad memory.
"So you
do care for her." Risa concluded, not without a certain amount of bitterness in her tone. Ai looked up sharply at that, as if stung by the remark. Risa went on without heeding the warning signs, only knowing that she had to get things out into the open.
"If you two were already so close, then why did you even accept my confession to begin with?"
Stunned, Ai stiffened quite noticeably, her face paling as she assumed a defensive expression. Unease, uncertainty and reluctance flashed across her eyes, and her shoulders turned inwards, as if trying to curl into a semi-foetal position to protect herself.
"It was...I..." Ai closed her eyes, her face a fountain of emotion. Yet it was near impossible to tell just exactly what she was thinking. That was the mystery she held, the mystery that had drawn Risa so irresistibly to her, had drawn so many others. That someone who wore her emotions so openly on her sleeve could bury her innermost thoughts so deeply that no one could decipher them. It was a challenge that dared all comers to try and figure out.
"Was it just a joke? Were you just playing around? What am I to you, Ai-chan?"
Risa broke first, her eyes reddening as angry tears seeped out to trail down her cheeks. Ai sucked in a deep breath, trying to master her emotions, but finding little ground to steady herself upon.
"I was...I was..." Ai found herself at a loss for words. A multitude of images, memories really, invaded her mind. The events leading up to the day that Risa had confessed to her were still a jumbled mess, a tangle of emotions so complex that it hurt to even look at it, much less sort through it. She had known, deep down, that she wasn't being fair to Risa right from the start. Just like she wasn't being fair to all the other girls she had been with over the years.
How did I end up like this? Why did I do it...and why do I still continue? There was no answer, at least, not any she wanted to confront at the moment. There were demons she could not fight, did not want to face. She would not face them today.
"Why are you doing this to me, Ai-chan?"
The relentless questioning backed Ai into a corner, prompting her to anger rather than remorse. If she could not face her many faults, she could at least fall back on anger. It was a very human reaction, but hardly admirable.
"You're just being paranoid." Ai snapped back, pulling away and turning on her heels. "God, I shouldn't have to deal with this."
"Where are you going?" Risa called out at Ai's back.
"Out."
The door slammed shut, leaving Risa to stand alone in a suddenly silenced apartment.
~*~*~
Ai was fuming as she stormed out of her own apartment. Too worked up to stand still, she decided to forego waiting for the elevator and just take the stairs down.
Five levels down, she paused in midstep and looked up at the ceiling, asking herself aloud.
"Why am
I the one walking out when it's
my house?"
The echoes gave no helpful reply, and Ai threw up her hands in frustration, before continuing her trek downwards.
The walk helped, as did the silence. Ai was someone who enjoyed peace and quiet, as well as a healthy amount of personal space. The solitude cleared her mind, returning some equanimity to her emotions. Grimacing, she tried to push the image of a distraught Risa from her mind. She had not meant to be harsh to the girl, but Risa had pushed her too far.
I need to do something about her.Shaking her head, Ai continued on down, conveniently focusing only on one side of the problem while ignoring the other. She had had a lot of practice ignoring that particular issue that Risa had crossed the line with by even mentioning it in her presence.
She knew, one day, that she would have to deal with that as well, but just having one distressed girl was more than enough to deal with for the moment. Despite everything, she did still care for Risa, which was why she had never gone too far with the girl...at least, nothing further than whatever the younger had not openly asked for or initiated.
Regardless of reputation, Ai had never ever crossed the line with anyone. Yes, she was often somewhat...inappropriately...involved with the U-15 models at the agency, but she never did anything that they did not want her to do. It was her one principle. She would not, could not, take advantage of someone else. It went against everything in her.
Arriving finally at the ground floor, Ai crossed the lobby and headed out of the building, nodding at the security guard politely as she did.
Boots clacking on the gravel, Ai shivered and rubbed at her arms ruefully. The evening breeze held a definite chill to it, and she had neglected to bring her coat in the heat of her anger.
Pride, however, prevented her from heading back. She didn't feel like going back to pick up the pieces so quickly anyway. Her anger and frustration with the whole situation hadn't quite faded yet. With a sigh, she continued walking...then paused.
Perhaps she should have been surprised, but Ai found herself strangely at ease as a smile came automatically to her lips.
"Reina."
"You forgot this." Reina held up the battered schedule book, handing it over. Their fingers brushed briefly, but neither reacted visibly nor said anything.
"Walk with me?" Ai invited easily, and Reina nodded, falling into step beside the older girl.
The pair ambled on in silence, Reina correctly reading that all Ai needed was company, not conversation. The apparent lack of destination did not bother either girl, given that they did not intend to stray far for now.
"You came." Ai finally said. Reina smiled, tucking her hands inside her pockets.
"You needed it." Reina did not elaborate, but both knew exactly what was meant.
"I did." Ai agreed. No words of concern or thanks were exchanged, but it was never needed between them.
"You don't have anything scheduled until tomorrow evening." Reina suddenly said.
Ai made some pretence of flipping through the book. "So it seems."
"Wanna head out tonight?" This time it was Reina's turn to invite, and Ai grinned at her, replying teasingly.
"What, no cute hunk to go out with?"
Reina stuck out her tongue at her. "For your information, I have them on a waiting list. Just thought that it should be just us girls tonight." Reina finished offhandedly, as if that were all she had intended. Ai hid a smile, a warm feeling building within her. Reina was such a good girl, always so kind to her. The next thought came abruptly, and was inevitable.
She deserves better.Suddenly cold from more than just the temperature, Ai nevertheless concealed her innermost thoughts with a lazy smile as she replied.
"Oh I suppose I could~" Ai smirked. "
Someone needs to keep a kid like you out of trouble."
"Oi, just because you're over 20 doesn't give you the right to boss over me,
obaa-san."
"
Obaa-san???" Ai asked with mock incredulity. "Why you little..."
"Can't keep up with little me?" Reina teased, running forward and turning around to pull a face at the older girl. Ai rolled her eyes heavenward, giving Reina a few seconds headstart, before giving chase.
The results were fairly predictable. Reina had never been able to outrun her. Never would too. She could always catch up. Ai believed in that, and left everything else up to fate. She would think no more tonight, and just allow herself to have fun.
Tomorrow could take care of itself. Right now, there was only her...and Reina. She smiled again.
That was all she ever needed.
==============================================================
This was awfully difficult to deal with. Had to spread the writing of this over several days just to recover from all the mental and emotional shocks in between. I'm overly sensitive.
Anyway, comment lots!
EDIT:
No wedging and running, jafeijai!!!
Topic: Nanchatte Renai [25/7 - Bonus Ending: Full Circle] (Read 76239 times)