Entry #5From the ripe old age of ten, I was completely fascinated by one thing. It was the sole cause of 13% of all human deaths worldwide. It astounded, fascinated and horrified me at the same time. How it’s made from you but aims to destroy you. How quick your own body comes to hate you. One minute you’re completely fine and then the next, you’re not. Instead, you’re on the way to meet Death. Like a murder. And the murderer was cancer.
At that innocent time of my life, I didn’t know anyone who had cancer. It was like a myth. I’ve heard stories about people contracting this condition, like malaria or HIV, but I’ve never come to know anyone close to me to experience it first-hand. Yet, it was a daily occurrence, constant campaigns on television or on the street.
Help fight cancer. Help us win the war.
Like it was a pandemic, like it was the end of their world. But why should I have cared. It wasn’t the end of mine.
It wasn’t until I was seventeen, seven whole years later, that I would come to know someone personally who had cancer. Someone who would change me and my life as I knew it, indefinitely.
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The first time I met her was definitely a special moment in the midst of an ordinary day. Alone, I sat at my desk during lunch, with my bento box and my own copy of Shakespeare’s ‘Romeo and Juliet’. I would tell myself it was because I was too good for my juvenile classmates, but in truth, I just didn’t want to make friends. No one approached me and I was too shy to approach them, then a year passed since the beginning of high school and it was already too late. I was known as ‘The Loner’ and that title encapsulated me.
I pretended to be engrossed in the book, but I had already read the same sonnets at least three times.
“My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.”Romeo, Act 2, Scene 2.
At that moment, I wondered, would I be able to face such a love so endless and selfless. Would I sacrifice everything for something that I knew could not come true.
“Hi.”
The voice was so frighteningly close that I couldn’t help but jump, facing the person who evaporated in front of me. She sat at a desk which was always empty, like she belonged there. The girl smiled impishly at me, her shining teeth gazing at me, as if she knew me. My first impression of her was ‘what a freak’.
“My name is Kuramochi Asuka.” she said, her eyes glittering as if she found a new toy.
I was so stunned that I just replied out of conditioned politeness; “I’m Nito Moeno.”
“Nito Moeno.” she mulled, as if tasting my name. “You have really pretty ears.”
“What?”
“Can I bite them?”
Then, as sudden as a snake attack, she leapt forward and sank her fangs into my tender ear. I screamed rather girlishly and loudly. However, she paid no heed to my scream or the students looking at us, and just continued nibbling by ear, sending shockwaves through me body. She held me, constricting me and I was trapped.
From then on, I’ve been a constant and willing victim.
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After lunch, the teacher announced to the class who she was. Kuramochi Asuka, a returning student who had to take a year off school due to health issues. The desk in front of me originally belonged to her.
“My name is Kuramochi Asuka. My life goal is to graduate from high school. Please take care of me.”
I heard the whispers after her brief introduction and simple yet unusual goal. After the commotion she caused, there was no way anyone wouldn’t be interested in her, but her eyes were focussed on me and that just made it worse. I just wanted to blend in. I wanted nothing to do with her.
However when she sat in front of me, I couldn’t help but stare at her hair. Though black, it glistened in the sun. It captured me like the cool dark night, a common yet granted sight that could calm any wavering heart. Like stars or the moon, her hair was so close yet so far. If social boundaries didn’t prevent me from doing so, I imagine that I would have reached over and stroked my fingers through the thin strands and let myself become entangled.
The bell rang and I almost jumped out of my seat. To others I might have just been sitting there, but my insides instantly withdrew. My skin suddenly felt not my own and a whole new sensation emitted from my nerves which made me want to instantly retreat.
All of a sudden, Kuramochi Asuka spun round, her hair almost, teasing, tantalisingly, whipping me in the face. For that moment, my rationality flew out of the window and I could have easily just stayed and watched her smile. However, like any human, my body reacted instinctively. Adrenaline rushed through me and I ran away. Quickly diverting my gaze, I gathered my things and retreated from the class without even looking back. It wasn’t until I was outside when I felt an insatiable pull and looked towards the window next to my seat. There, I saw Kuramochi Asuka looking at me with a gaze I couldn’t recognise, a gaze which I could now imagine in a second. A rush filled me. It was new and frightening. Yet, though I didn’t want to admit it, it was exciting. I hoped that I wouldn’t have to see her anymore.
However, she was there the next day. Honestly, what did I expect? We had school and it wasn’t like Kuramochi Asuka was going to disappear.
“So tell me about yourself.” she asked as soon as I was settled.
“What is there to say?” I replied, because I didn’t stick out in any way and her seeking me out was not helping me. I was used to being alone.
“Your hobbies, your likes and dislikes.”
“Why do you want to know?” I never did like anyone to know too much about my personal life. They call it personal for a reason.
“I just want to know.” she honestly answered, which for some reason annoyed me. Maybe because honesty wasn’t a quality that I had, especially towards myself.
“I like reading.”
“And?”
She asked like she knew I had a secret. It unnerved me. That was why I didn’t like others to know about me. They could use it against you. However, she looked at me so earnestly that my mouth twitched with the desire to talk.
Finally I spoke about one small secret. “I can make perfumes.”
“So that’s why you smell so nice!”
Even though the comment was brash, it brought a strange heat to my cheeks.
“I’m crazy about pro-wrestling.” Asuka said.
“Wrestling?” It was unexpected, however it seemed odd things suited her.
“The feel of skin slapping against skin, throwing each other, violently expressing their individual desire to win. Don’t you think that would be amazing just to experience that close bond to someone you’re supposed to fight against?”
“I guess.” I didn’t really understand what she was talking about; but that glitter in her eyes when she spoke about her passion made me want to agree.
“I like you Nito Moeno.” she said. My name sounded so different and yet so familiar from her lips. “I hope we can become great friends.”
As unlikely as it initially was, she began to grow on me, like a fungus growing in the most unwelcome conditions. However, persistent was another one of Asuka’s qualities that made her so strong. And I knew, deep down, I just wanted someone to accept me. Before I knew it, we were part of each other’s world.
We had recently taken to having lunch on the school roof. Asuka said it was the place she felt most free in this institute. I just thought it was a nice place, where I could feel like I was living while being kept safe within the school fences.
“Kobashi Kenta is my hero.” said Asuka as she picked at her bento. “I wish I could just see him live.”
I turned to Asuka, whose long hair was tied in a tight braid, as she stared out towards the city. I remember how a few weeks ago I wanted to become tangled in those knots. In contrast, my untied brown hair blew softly in the breeze.
“Why don’t you go to a match if you love him so much?” I asked.
“Alas, I cannot.” Asuka acted, as if she were part of Romeo and Juliet. “I blew all my money away.”
“On what?”
“Chemotherapy.”
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Asuka’s cancer was classified as leukaemia; cancer of the blood. To be specific; acute lymphoblastic leukaemia. Blood constitutes for 7% of a human’s body weight. Imagine if 7% of you didn’t want to be you. Honestly, we must have days that we didn’t want to be ourselves. If 7% of the days we were alive, we didn’t want to be ourselves, it doesn’t seem like much. However, in medical terms, it was a lot. In cancer terms, it was enormous. That’s probably because; those with cancer tend to have fewer days to live.
At twelve, Asuka’s blood decided to hate her. However, thanks to years of vicious radiation and vigorous treatments of chemotherapy, they announced the cancer was gone. At seventeen, Asuka was cured. When I say cured, I mean a lasting remission, a.k.a. absence of detectable cancer cells in the body or what we like to call, ADCC (which I later discover is also an abbreviation for the Abu Dhabi Combat Club – Submission Wrestling Championship). This gave her a year to fully recover and catch up with her studies.
However, cancer was not the only thing that defined Asuka. Her favourite sweets were green tea mochi. When she truly smiled, her eyes would curl into moon crescents. Her favourite season was winter. She could be very kind but extremely blunt. She supported the Saitama Seibu Lions. Her hands felt so warm against mine.
“Do you know what it’s like to be in love?”
“What?” I replied, watching Asuka cling onto roof fence, as usual.
However, Asuka didn’t return a word and instead decided to climb the fence. I exclaimed when she jumped over the rail with an ease that made me hideously frightened.
“Asuka!” I cried. “Get back here!”
She didn’t listen to me. It’s not like she usually did anyway. So I ran to the fence and through the gaps, clung onto her fingers with the sole purpose of anchoring her to this world. I was terrified. Yet Asuka was just casually leaning against the fence while she stood at the edge of the five floor building.
“I want to have the overwhelming joy, that endless desire.” she said as the wind caught her hair. “Scream at the top of my lungs that I AM IN LOVE! I want to say to someone that they are the one, and for them to say it back. I just want to be completely, inexplicably, wonderfully in love.”
Asuka turned back to me with her glittering eyes.
“Do you get what I mean?”
Honestly, at the time, I didn't. I was too hysterical to think.
“Have you ever wondered why people congratulate cancer survivors by saying things like ‘you won the battle’?” Asuka continued, as if I wasn’t there. “I may have looked messed up back then, but it wasn’t a battle for me. I just kept living.” The fear escalated in me when Asuka glanced down, as if something was tempting her. “But maybe my body unconsciously wanted to fight. It wanted me to be healthy again. No one wants to be unhealthy. Except if you want to ditch school.”
I stared at her incredulously. Does having cancer make you casual about death? Maybe people said she had won the battle because she had already danced with death and she had won. Now she was immortal.
However, that’s not the case. In one second, the gift of life could easily be lost.
Finally it all became too much for me.
“Please come back.” I pleaded.
When Asuka looked at me, the shine in her eyes disappeared and I felt she was finally seeing me. In seconds, she stealthily climbed back over and I immediately held her, mostly to prevent her from climbing again and partly because I had to make sure she was with me. I didn’t even notice it was the first time I had embraced Asuka. I held on so tightly that my arms hurt, the pain showing me that Asuka mattered. But then something happened that made my heart stop and made me pull away from the person I thought I knew.
She kissed me.
It may have lasted only a second, and it may have tasted sweeter than any chocolate, but it instantly changed the relationship I was used to knowing. I had completely lost my grasp on everything I thought I understood. So, I did the first thing I always did when I lost control.
I ran without looking back.
Asuka didn’t follow me but her face was constantly in my sight. The look that changed from surprise to despair, probably matched my own. That expression haunted me all the way home and then I was inhabited by my guilt. I rejected a girl who had cancer. I was the worst.
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I took the next day off, feigned I had a cold. Even though it was a lie, I needed rest because that night I did not sleep a wink. Sleep is impossible when you can’t stop thinking. I stared at my phone. The background was of Asuka smiling, showing both rows of pearly teeth. She had changed it for me and I just couldn’t be bothered to return it back to the original neutral grey wallpaper. As I stared, my heart constricted with a familiar pain. The same feeling I have when I lie, when I know I’ve done wrong.
I was an utter idiot.
However, it happened so intensely fast that I felt it was ridiculous. Who falls in love with a complete stranger, at first sight? This wasn’t Romeo and Juliet. This was real life. So in denial, I had just pushed down the feelings and hoped it would fade away. Yet, I couldn’t tear away and I just fell deeper. I wish I was more honest with myself.s Unlike Asuka and her cancer, my emotions won over me.
However, this time I wouldn’t let my fear get the better of me. Grabbing my phone again, I typed my message quickly before my doubt could catch up.
‘Can I come over today? I want to talk.’
Relief washed over me. I didn’t know if it was too late, but it was worth a try.
However, after an hour of no response, I was starting to lose hope. My despairing thoughts made me wonder if I really was too late, that Asuka was truly hurt by me. That thought, made me curl into a ball and cover myself with the heavy duvet. I breathed until the air was hot and I was slowly suffocating. I couldn’t bear to allow myself to even look at the light, that’s how ashamed I felt. I should always remain alone, in the dark. That way I don’t hurt anyone, especially myself. At that point, I still thought of myself. That’s how selfish I was.
Suddenly, I heard my phone vibrate on my desk and I immediately shot out of the covers. Her text was the cool air that hit my desperate lungs.
Asuka replied with one word.
‘Okay.’
It was simple and blunt, but it unlocked the door to many possibilities. All I had to do now was push the door open.
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Five minutes had passed until I had the courage to ring the bell. Even though I was frightened to the point it felt like a boa constrictor was around my throat, I rigidly waited until I heard the door click open. Like an angel, the house lights shined around Asuka making her glow as she stood at the doorway.
“Hi.” she simply said.
“Hi.” I croaked out, the constrictor tightening.
Asuka allowed me to enter her home, even though I wouldn’t have blamed her if she slammed the door in my face.
It probably makes me a bad person, but I expected Asuka’s house to be much different from what it was. It was either going to be a grandly decorated or the bare minimal, the opposite sides of the spectrum, especially when it came to costly cancer treatment. However, it was an ordinary home, much like my own. Dotted with pictures of Asuka and her parents, they showed her life at different stages. When she was a baby, her first day at elementary school, when she was lying in a hospital bed, when she went to Hong Kong, when she had no hair, when she entered high school. She looked different in each picture, except from one common factor. Asuka was smiling all the way through. However, if it was forced or genuine, I didn’t know.
“Mom, Dad, this is Nito Moeno.”
I stood in the living room, tense as Asuka’s parents faced me. From the way they looked between us, I knew that they suspected something. Did they know about Asuka’s feelings? Did she cry to her parents about my rejection? I just had to wait until they threw me out.
However, they suddenly smiled.
“So this is the girl you’ve been talking about?” her father said.
“She’s very cute.” said her mother.
Smiling must have been a family trait. As they fawned over me, I thought about what they said. Kuramochi Asuka talked about me. I was still part of her life. Plus, their reaction was different from what I imagined, much like their home. They welcomed me with open arms. I was initially shocked, but then I realised. Their only daughter nearly died. How could they deny her the simple pleasure of love?
“Okay kids, we’re leaving.” they announced. “Try not to wreck the house.”
A part of me wished for them to stay because their presence dispersed the awkward atmosphere. With their departure, it meant we would have to talk and expressing my feelings wasn’t something I was great at.
Sitting in Asuka’s room was like outer space. It was new, filled with diverse sights, and oxygen was lacking for me. Even though it was like any other high school girl’s room - except for a simple oxygen tank gathering dust in the corner - it was still like a different world for me. I wanted to explore but didn’t know how to take the one small step.
“So, do you come here often?” Asuka suddenly said, smiling at me.
Her attempt at light humour ignited something in me that had sparked when I first saw all those photos of Asuka.
“Don’t.” I snapped. “Don’t force yourself to act as if everything is fine. I hurt you. Why won’t you show that?”
For the second time, I caused Asuka’s smile to disappear and I wished I took it back. It wasn’t until later that I realised that’s why Asuka smiled and why her parents could be so strong. More than herself, Asuka smiled for the sake of others.
“I was hurt.” Asuka said, with a hint of disappointment. “When you ran, I cried on the roof. Your rejection hurt more than my first chemotherapy.” I know Asuka wasn’t saying that to be spiteful but guilt radiated within me all the same. Asuka looked at me with eyes that glittered like stars, elements of the sky which tragically would never last forever. “But I can be happy because it worked out. You’re here now.”
She reached and touched my hand and I felt a pulse from the centre of my body. It was as if my body, my entire skin and blood, was drawn to her touch. Asuka was the Sun and I was the Earth, continuously going along the axis around the bright star. It riveted through me, making all my senses concentrated, the heat from her hand burning me. Then on impulse, I kissed her. Again I felt the shocking pulse, but this time it came from my lips as Asuka gently pushed against them, like she was activating something within me. People say first kisses are unforgettable. Personally, I liked our second kiss far more.
When we slowly broke apart, my heart was beating so furiously I thought I was going to die from a heart attack. I opened my eyes and Asuka was smiling ever so gently and so purely that I wondered if she really was an angel.
“See.” Asuka whispered. “Everything works out in the end.”
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It was at night when my mother called from downstairs to answer the phone, saying it was for me. I was just doing my homework, getting ready to start the week all over again. I hadn’t seen Asuka over the weekend because she came down with a cold on Friday night, so I was excited for the first time to go to school. It had been three months since we began our relationship and I’ve never felt so content. Simply having Asuka in my life was a blessing and I was thankful for every day.
As I headed downstairs, I wondered who was calling me and why.
I wish I didn’t answer it.
I barely recognised Asuka’s mother. Her voice - dry and desolate as a desert and emotionless like a machine - told me to come to the hospital. I’ve never been hit by a hammer, but I could imagine it felt like the sudden impact on my heart. I told my mother and she immediately drove me to the hospital. Finally I saw Asuka. It had only been three days since I’ve seen her but she was a completely different person. With tubes in her nostrils and around her arms, like tiny see-through snakes with their venom pumping into her, Asuka still managed to weakly smile at me from the bed.
“That’s right Nito-san; I am completely, inexplicably, wonderfully filled with cancer.”
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I stared at her while she lied there on the hospital bed, waiting for my reply. I wanted to say something, but I didn’t know what I could say.
You’ll be fine. You can fight it. You won’t die.
Those empty words that I wanted to regurgitate just wouldn’t come to my lips. There was nothing that could convey what we both knew. It was the end of the life we once knew.
It was only a week ago that we had made love for the first time. It was awkward and nerve-wrecking, but it was the most magical moment I have shared with anyone. I remember how I felt her frantic heart beat against my hand, her hot breath in my ear and her naked body heating against mine. I thought it would be forever imprinted in my memory. But I had already forgotten what her naked body looked like, how warm it was, how smooth it felt. If I had known that night was going to be the last time I saw that beautiful form, I would have savoured it more, touched her more, felt her more against my body. I just selfishly wanted more.
I’ve heard that we need pain to experience joy. But why do I need to know the existence of one thing to know the other exists. I’ve never had frog legs but it doesn’t affect the deliciousness of sushi. I did not need to know what pain was because I was completely content before.
However, there are different levels of pain. Like air or God, pain cannot be measured or seen, but we know it exists. When you go to the doctor, when they assess your pain, you have to rate it out of one and ten, one being a slight prick and ten being a true whopper. When I was seven, I had fallen off my bike, managing somehow to flip over and so crashing my body onto the ground. As painful as it was, luck was on my side as the ground was padded with thick grass. However, I did break my ankle. At that moment, when I was asked how much pain I was feeling, through my hot tears and body shaking sobs, I said nine. Being young and usually careful, it was the most painful experience I had up to date. However, now I truly know what a nine pain feels like. But it wasn’t physical. This time the pain was emitting from depths within me and ripped from the inside out.
I wondered, was this a sign of heartbreak or cancer.
Saying nothing, I climbed into the bed, held her fragile body, and sobbed with all my might, reverting back to my seven year old self.
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Asuka soon stopped going to school. However, as a health human specimen, I still had to continue attending. But any chance I could get, I would visit Asuka, no matter her state. If she was in a drug induced sleep or throwing up her dinner, I was there. My grades suffered. My mother worried and Asuka’s parents insisted that I need not have to come every day. However, I did because every moment I’m away from her, or even when I’m with her, I was afraid it was going to be the last. No matter how relieved I felt being away from the disinfectant smell or the sight of dying people, the fear clung to me.
However, her cries were like bones rubbing together, making my body shiver. Inhaling, I took a step into the room but instantly froze. I caught a glance at the massive needle that was the length of my hand. Instantly I retreated and slammed my back against the wall next to the door, shaking my lungs back into life.
Even after the nurses left, it took me an hour before I had the courage to enter again.
Sleep can be so deceiving. If I didn’t see the bags under Asuka’s eyes and her sunken cheeks, I would say she was a healthy young girl. Instead her body was riddled with cancer.
She must have sensed my presence because Asuka’s eyes fluttered open.
“Hi.” she breathed.
“Hi.” I said. “You should go back to sleep.”
“You know I had a dream about you.” Asuka said.
“Tell me about it.” I said.
Asuka signalled for me to lean in, and I did. Leading with my ear, I brought it to her lips. However, instead of a weak whisper, I felt her teeth bite surprisingly hard on my lobe. I yelped and drew back in reaction. Asuka smiled innocently and I could only puff my cheeks.
“You’re so cute.” she said.
“And you’re so annoying.” I replied, but still lied on her bed.
“Have you heard this quote?” Asuka asked, while I stroked her hair. “In the end, we were all just humans. Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.”
“Who’s the quote from?”
“Scott Fitzgerald.”
“Well tell him he’s a miserable old fuck.”
Never in my life had I sworn and now I know why people do it. They use it when there is no other way to express how they are feeling through any other words. I grin at Asuka. Her shock dissolves into a smirk. Then, we burst into gallants of laughter.
“I’m going to say it again. Nito Moeno-san, I love you so much.”
“Gross.”
Immediately I felt a rush of red reach my ears and I immediately bolted upright. However, Asuka was smiling, lightly rubbing the heat of my ears. A tall young girl, with wide eyes, a bucked smile and long straight black hair stood at the doorway. I stood up as she made her way towards. I didn’t like it when people saw our intimate moments. Our time together was private and I wanted to keep it special, between only me and Asuka.
“This is Maeda Ami.” Asuka introduced.
She took a deep bow. Then, she took her wig off.
I must have gasped because the two of them started to laugh.
“Everyone has that reaction.” Ami grinned. “It’s made from my sister’s hair. When my hair started to fall out, she completely shaved her head and got it made it for me. That’s why it looks so real.”
“What are you doing here Ami?” Asuka asked, patting the empty spot so Ami could slip next to her.
I hate to admit it, but I was sort of envious. Sometimes knowing that Asuka had cancer made me afraid to touch her, like she was going to break. However, seeing Ami so casually lie next to her while Asuka held her shoulders with one arm, reminded me that Asuka wasn’t fragile.
“What are you going to use your wish for?” Ami said.
“Wish?” I heard myself say.
“You know, from the ‘Make a Wish Foundation’. You can be utterly selfish without anyone judging you because you happen to be dying. Asuka said she still hasn’t used hers from the first time round.”
“Maybe I should use it to get your hair back.”
“They’re genies, but they’re not magic. They can’t bring back what’s dead.”
I don’t know if they heard my intake of breath but my heart skipped a beat at those words. Even though they laughed, I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to tempt death.
“What about you?” I asked Ami, attempting to change the focus so I could feel better. “Do you have a wish?”
“I do and I know what I’m going to use it for.”
“What?”
“I want them to make me a strawberry jelly mound that is as big as the Tokyo Tower. Then from a helicopter, I want to jump out and dive into it, mouth open and swim in the jelly until I am so full that everything that comes out of me is pink. Then I can literally say that I’m so sweet that my piss tastes like strawberry jelly.”
There was a moment of silence that can only be described as stunned. Then, Ami smiled, then Asuka and like a chain reaction, we burst into laughter at the ridiculousness of the wish. We laughed so loud that a nurse had to escort me out of the room. As I left, I turned and saw that the nurse was hiding a smile. Who can blame kids for enjoying their life?
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Two weeks later, Maeda Ami died in her sleep.
It was my first time. Someone I personally knew had died. I would never see her again.
Dressed in black, Asuka and I silently watched as Ami’s casket was lowered into the ground. We weren’t crying. Our tears had already dried from the service earlier where we saw Ami lying so peacefully as if she were asleep in her bed. We cried with her family, offering words of comfort to Ami’s sister who still bore her shaved head. Now, it was time to silently say our final goodbyes. As we watched, Asuka and I held hands and though we didn’t say it, we were thinking what everyone was asking themselves. How long did we have left?
Even though there were many nights I would awaken from the sound of vomiting, in the morning Asuka would say to her mother that she slept like a baby. When someone you know lies to someone else, chances are they have lied to you too. So, when Asuka said she was fine, I didn’t believe her. After the funeral, we were meant to go back to the hospital, but instead I decided to stay a bit longer. I guided Asuka around the large graveyard, passing the dozens of different gravestones that marked different individuals.
“Let’s go home.” I heard Asuka say behind me.
“Why? You need fresh air and its beautiful here.”
And it was. The graveyard was designed in such a way that it was more like you were walking through a wooded park, with the autumn season dyeing us in sepia tone. Plus, where else could you feel so at peace, where not even the sound of breathing could be heard.
However I heard Asuka’s steps stop behind me. It made me turn and for the first time, I saw true anger on Asuka’s face.
“Don’t look at me like that.” I said. “I understand what you’re going through-”
“No you don’t.” Asuka interrupted. “You will never understand because you’re not me.”
Those words made me experience a distance I have never felt with Asuka. It made me want to cry even though I had no more tears left.
“You get to have a healthy body. You don’t have to go on every day with the fear that you might not live tomorrow.” she cried, with quiet streams running down her face. “You don’t have to worry your parents every living day. You don’t have to be scared of anything. You don’t have cancer.” she screamed the last part, liberating herself.
Asuka was truly sobbing at that stage, and she knelt to the ground, the dry leaves crumbling under her like the ground underneath my feet. However, it wasn’t about me. I think if I couldn’t have supported Asuka then, I would not have been able to after. It was the first leap I needed to prepare myself for every possibility, ready for anything that may be thrown at us. I was ready to catch anything, including Asuka.
Slowly, I approached her until I was just in front.
“Are you crying?”
She glared at me with a ferocity I had not seen in a long time, even if her weak body was kneeling on the ground. “What does it look like?”
“Then you’re alive.” I kneeled until I was at the same level as Asuka. “You’re right, I don’t have cancer. And I’m never going to say I wish I had cancer because I’ve seen how awful it can be.” The truth was seeping out of the holes that I could no longer plaster. “But don’t ever say I’m not scared of anything. One of my greatest fears is that you’ll abandon me. That I’ll be alone. That at everything I look, I will remember and I will be washed by such pain that I would wish I could join you. And I’m scared I would do it.” I grasped her cold hand, hoping she would feel how much I loved her. “So even though I don’t know anything and I’m being utterly selfish, please don’t give up. Don’t be scared to live for the things you love.”
Then I held Asuka as she sobbed, as if she were the seven year old me.
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Asuka finally used her wish. To watch a Kobashi Kenta wrestling match. It certainly for a day to remember, with the sour odour of sweat and excitement, it made me wonder why Asuka liked this sport so much. However, when I saw the enthusiastic cheers of the people around us and from Asuka, the buzzed atmosphere was contagious and I soon found myself shouting.
Kobashi Kenta won. Cheers and boos erupted around us. It was deafening. And when I turned to Asuka, she was crying. Silent tears that endlessly fell and only seen when the light reflected in just the right places. I wasn’t sure what classification her tears came under, but I didn’t ask. I just watched. Even though she cried, I couldn’t help but think she was beautiful.
The Foundation people really knew how to grant a wish because Asuka was even allowed to go back stage and meet Kobashi himself. He even let her smack him right in the chest. I’ve never seen her look stronger. On the way home, Asuka said that it was the best day of her life.
Since that day, her state declined.
Asuka was a permanent resident at the hospital. She lost all her hair, her weight fell until she seemed hollow and her normal healthy person glow was replaced by a clammy sheen. Even so, we lived day by day as normal as possible, as if the next day wouldn’t be the last.
“It’s such a nice day, let’s go outside.” she said one afternoon.
I went to get the wheelchair but she reached out her hand. I looked at her and she shook her head. I glanced down to her pale, bony hands that should have belonged to a sixty year old women rather than an eighteen year old girl. I nodded and held her as I’ve always done.
By the first flight of stairs, she was breathless. By the second, she had already taken two breaks and she needed more. However, Asuka was determined and I would follow through until she said otherwise.
Finally, we stepped outside and onto the rooftop. It was similar yet different to the school rooftop. There were a lot more plants. Maybe they were using the lives of plants to replace the people they lost in this hospital.
Asuka hobbled to the fence that surrounded the roof.
“It would be so much easier if I just jumped.” Asuka said as she stared outwards, like that afternoon which seems so long ago. “Instant death. Easy.” I imagined countless people had thought the same thing.
“If you did that, you know I would come after you.”
Asuka turned to me and smiled. “How romantic. Very star-crossed lovers like.”
She opened her arms wide, as if she was standing in front of the Titanic. She was Rose and I was Jack. She was Juliet and I was Romeo. Star-crossed indeed.
“Moeno, can I just tell you something.”
“Anything.”
She suddenly screamed at the top of her lungs, “I LOVE NITO MOENO!”
At the end of it, she was gasping for air and I was by her side, completely blown away. She glanced at me expectantly. I took her place. Standing at the edge of the rooftop, I stared past the buildings, ignored the lives below us, and gazed at the infinity and the future we might have. It was blinding and terrifying and beautiful. I took the plunge.
“I LOVE KURAMOCHI ASUKA!”
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We were hit by rounds of bad news. The chemo was no longer working. The radiation wasn’t doing great. The steroids were little more than useless. No matter how aggressive the treatment was, the cancer fought back. Asuka’s condition was deteriorating fast and they had to do something. There was only one option left. A bone marrow transplant.
However, as soon as the doctor brought it up, Asuka immediately contested.
“No, I don’t want the surgery.”
“But Asuka, please, it’s your last hope.” her mother pleaded.
“I don’t care!”
“Don’t you understand Asuka?” her father insisted. “If you don’t do this, you’ll die.”
“So be it.”
That was the last strike. Asuka’s mother broke down and ran out the room, with Asuka’s father quickly chasing after her, but not before throwing Asuka a furious and disappointed look.
“Why don’t you want to do it?” I asked.
“It’s too much to put them through all this.” she said. “It’s expensive and it’s not going to work. I should just die.”
I slapped her. I would imagine this was unthinkable, striking a dying person, but I couldn’t help it. I had never felt such a sudden anger and frustration.
“How can you be so selfish?” I demanded.
“I believe what I just said was the complete opposite of selfishness.”
“Don’t you see that we don’t want you to die? Your mother, father… me. I want you here for as long as possible. I want to grow old together. Maybe I’m a match” the last part I said in a whisper.
Asuka reacted so fast it was like she jumped into my throat. “I can’t let you do that. It’s an extremely dangerous procedure and it’s unlikely you’ll be a match-”
“I don’t care.” I said. “I’m younger and have a better chance of recovery. And we don’t have time to wait. We have to at least try. Please Asuka.”
Finally, seeing my earnestly, Asuka sighed. “We can to do the compatibility test.”
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I was a match.
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As we were both wheeled into the operation room, it was strange. Even though we had so many things in common, this was the first time I’ve felt this connected to Asuka. I was finally going to experience the same operation as Asuka. A part of my body was going to physically be within hers. We would literally be one.
I knew the anaesthetic was kicking in because my vision was fading and my mind began to fog. The last moment before I completely lost my conscience, I reached my hand towards Asuka. She did the same.
I’m not sure if we reached each other, but when I slept, I dreamt of the two of us. It was of just us, sitting on the school’s roof, staring at the setting sun, holding hands. It was so mundanely, boringly, real. However, as the blue melted into a golden orange, I felt the heat from Asuka’s strong grip. Finally, in this place, I was enveloped in a sense of peace. And even though I just kept staring at the constantly changing sky, I knew Asuka was smiling next to me and I was happy.
It was completely, inexplicably, wonderfully, beautiful.