"What is it?"
"I just wanted you to kiss me. To make me feel like I was something. One last time."
"Miki-"
"When we first started messing around... Well, you were good looking and I never had to fake it, so I could care less about everything else. I mean every single time you went above and beyond, making it all about me. Sure I returned the favor, but you were something else."
Miki shook her head.
"The importnat thing was that I felt amazing. So nothing else mattered. Then I thought it would be really fun to mess with you. I mean, if I could get you to do those things to me in bed, what else could I get you to do? So I slipped into playing the helpless damaged litle girl. That night I called you and wanted to 'talk'. And you said that I didn't have to smile if I wasn't happy. You told me you were glad that I was there and the rest of the night you held me in your arms. That was when it started. Well I was thinking about it a little before that, but that was really the first situation. Then the movie. After that , soccer."
Her voice noticeably changed.
"But that's where it got messed up. That day, when you kissed me...I'd never been kissed like that. It was completely different from all the other times and all the other guys before you. I felt something...Something that..."
She looked deeply into his almost grey eyes.
" I just thought I was losing it or something. So I pushed it to the back of my mind. Then I called you my boyfriend. It just kind of slipped out. But I rationalized that it was a good move for me to keep it going. Still, I couldn't help but wonder where that even came from. Then during the tour. When you showed up, I was really shocked. You had sunflowers, my favorite. After that night, the things you would say to me... I just kept remembering how ever since that day out on the field, you treated me different. Things felt different. Soon I realized that I wasn't playing anymore. The things that were coming out were the real me. Bit by bit I was losing my control over the situation until..."
"Until?" Kousuke hoarsely asked.
"Until I realized that I had fallen for you. Hard. I knew that if I told you I would hurt you. I thought if I didn't things would be okay. But I knew that it would get harder and harder for me as I got closer to you. To know that I was lying to you...For the past two days all I have been able to think about was telling you. And when you came in here, when you came in here with that look on your face, telling me that you kissed Maki. You looked as though you were telling me that you had been sleeping with her this entire time. Just something completely and totally awful. I saw how much you cared, and how much you... Of course I'm not like you. I'm too selfish. I wanted you to kiss me and hold me like you always did. I wanted to have my memory of what it felt like to have someone. You tried to protect me from that feeling. But I couldn't. I wanted you one last time."
It was as though the flood gates to Miki's mind had been open. Soon everything was coming out.
"I have to be pretty fucked up to do this to you, huh? That's what you are thinking isn't it? The truth is, when I was younger, I would do anything for affection. I would throw myself all over guys, just hoping one of them would give me a second glance, or say something nice to me. Boys at that age, they see it and use it don't they? I had like three of four boyfriends at a time, but none of them cared about me. I couldn't see it though. They said that they loved me and they kissed me and stuff. I belived every word and would do anything they wanted. But then I grew up. I got tired of being taken advantage of. So when I got here, I just decided to take instead of being taken. I wanted to be the one in control. I wanted to be able to have all the power."
Miki had a vacant look in her eyes.
"I thought that was what I wanted. Really. I really wanted to have someone who said those things and ment them. But I didn't know how to get it. I had spent all those years acting that way. If boys only wanted me for my body and sex, then I figured I could just use it to get what I wanted. I was bored and wanted to have some fun. That's why I started messing around with you. I had no idea. I had no idea that you would make me feel this way. That I could even feel this way. If I only knew in the begning, I would have done so many things differently."
She paused.
"You don't know how afraid I am to lose you. I know I am going to, and it scares me so much. But I wanted to make things right. I wanted to be able to be honest with you. I knew that it was going to hurt you, but I just wanted to do it now before it could become something bigger and hurt you worse. I wanted to tell you becuase I..."
Complete silence.
"I love you."