REALLY long. BUT WORTH READING >:3
Chapter 32: Soliloquy: Yume kara Samete
That’s not it at all… Risa understands me… She treasures me… She loves me… So because of that…
Ai walked briskly in the repetitively designed hallways. She was just about to go out to her destination before overhearing a conversation that caught her ears. She stood just to the left of the door frame, not ready to pass it.
“Maybe I should buy this one…” Aya said as she pointed to the item of interest in the magazine.
“No way, berets are overrated. Fedoras are the way to go,” Miki said as she pointed to the aforementioned item on the other page. “Besides… It’ll look better with your short hair,” Miki added with a smirk.
“If that’s the case, I’ll buy the beret for you, and you’ll buy the fedora for me?”
That was enough. Ai did not have to hear such a trivial conversation. She had more important matters to attend to. She had things to do that are productive and not time-wasting. So she walked past the door and trudged silently down the halls. However, she over-heard Aya going along the lines of “Can you excuse me for a moment?” and knew that the soloist was trying to catch up to one of the main Morning Musume vocalists.
“It’s been awhile, Ai.”
That statement was ignored.
“Ai… You’re as pale as death, are you eating much?” Aya tried getting a response out of the younger.
Ai sharply turned her head and glared at her, “Why are you bothering me so much? If it’s because you happened to see that incident, forget it. You have a life kind to you, and kind parents, and a kind lover. Go live your peaceful life.”
“…You say that as if it’s wrong for people to love us, that it’s wrong to have a peaceful life…”
Ai glared even more contemptuously.
“…Sorry…” Aya looked away, but back at Ai, who was now walking away. “Ai, you haven’t found anything right? Even Yossie didn’t know right?”
Ai stopped briefly, but continued walking. Aya sighed and turned around to walk back to Miki’s room. “Then I guess it’s not possible… For the curse to break…”
Mako and KonKon gave up. But I’m not going to. Not just yet.
“Haha, not sure if that’s sarcasm or what,” Yossie smiled, and then turned around to return to her business of doing some paperwork. As she walked, she heard the door shut, and felt arms wrapped around her slender waist. “Eh? What’s the meaning of this?”
“You know, don’t you?” Ai said in a serious voice in Yossie’s ear, “Why I came? What I’m thinking about—what I want? You know, don’t you? Hitomi?”
“My my, using first names with me now?” Yossie released herself from Ai’s grasp and sat in a chair with a coffee stand next to it with all the paperwork.
“Answer me.”
“Do I know?” Yossie took off her glasses, “I’m not sure if what I’ll say will satisfy you.”
“Answer me. Hitomi.”
“I wonder…” Yossie closed her eyes, “Do I look like I’m simple?”
“No, you don’t. Not at all.”
“Heh,” Yossie opened her eyes and looked at Ai with a smirk and scheming eyes, “Then are you simply stupid?”
Ai kneeled next to Yossie, hands on the side of the chair, “Don’t fool around, the way you talk—the way you talk to everyone—its all as if you’re testing us.”
“Is that foolishness a part of your plan? Nonetheless… I’ll tell you what I know,” Yossie stroked her imaginary beard.
“Do you know how to lift the curse?”
Yossie was silent, but was still smiling, “What makes you think that?”
“You’re always at Rika’s side. She’s fond of you.”
“Fond of me?” Yossie mused as she leaned her elbow against the arm of the chair Ai was resting her head on, supporting her head with her hand as she laughed, “Rika’s fond of me? That’s nice. The favorite of Rika must know all the secrets, right?” then she stopped smiling and gave a frown. “If I have that kind of knowledge, why would I tell you something that would burden Ojou-sama? Do you have anything in exchange for something so important?”
Ai grabbed Yossie’s hand and directed it so that it rested on her serious face, “I have nothing but myself. You can use me however you like for the rest of your life.” Then she released her hold on Yossie’s hand, for which it still lingered on Ai’s face.
“You really are desperate, aren’t you?” Yossie’s hand caressed Ai’s cheek, until her thumb was now tracing the outlines of her lips.
“For Risa’s sake…”
“Unfortunately…” Yossie’s hand moved away and on the arm of the leather chair yet again, “I can’t give you the answer you’d be satisfied with. I don’t know anything of how to break the curse.”
Ai felt the anger swelling up in her, and she grabbed the collar of Yossie’s shirt so that the elder faced her completely, “That’s a lie! It has to be!”
“This is a good opportunity to tell you…” Yossie sighed as she removed Ai’s grip, “…that you shouldn’t make use of fools like me.”
Ai still glared.
“Sure, I’m noticeable, but Rika has no reason to put me under any special honors. My life itself has no good value. I have no strength. I’m of low caliber, the worst. The most worthless human to exist. Though, there is another way to find out what you want…”
“Name it. Now.” Ai stood up with her fists clenched tightly and turned around, trying to hold in her impatience.
“Ask someone else who would know about this sort of thing. Perhaps you should try asking God yourself.”
“…Hitomi, you don’t care about being cursed?”
“Those who do care should take action upon it. I’ll just stand by and take the benefits.”
Ai turned her head to look at Yossie, and was met with a smile.
“Didn’t I tell you? I’m the worst.”
She dodged my question. I knew she would use some way of evading me. She definitely knows something. She’s definitely hiding it.
Ai knew that Yossie never locked her door, for the matter of any emergencies that arise from the other members. Also, she knew that Yossie was not present at that moment, for she had another strenuous meeting to attend to; Ai knew that she had at least an hour in her room. She entered and closed the door behind her and immediately went to Yossie’s file cabinet in search of any clue or fact regarding the Orochi or Susanoo. To no avail, the documents held nothing of use.
Hmm… There’s nothing here… Perhaps she keeps the records elsewhere?
Ai suddenly had the urge to cough, and cough she did. However, it was a very painful cough, and it caused a chain of reactions throughout her sickly body. She collapsed against the wall, knocking over a few books, and catching attention of someone just outside the door. Then, she slid down the wall and lay on the floor; she then passed out.
No matter how many times I see her, she always dodges that particular question. I wonder if a person like Hitomi has someone she fears… Something that was unbearable to her…
I wish I had a heart like Risa.
Ai woke up suddenly, tears still lingering on her cheeks as she panted heavily.
“Did you have a nightmare?” the other naked girl asked with concern lining her voice as she placed her hand on Ai’s cheek, wiping the tears away.
“I thought I had lost you…” Ai felt like her tears were going to come back, recalling the nightmare, and then she rested her head on Risa’s shoulder.
“You’ll never lose me…” Risa resorted to the only comfort Ai enjoyed from her in particular: she kissed her neck, coaxing a small moan and blush from the other. “I love you too much to ever think about leaving you…” she breathed against the older’s neck, and then continued her rain of kisses, progressing lower and lower, washing away all of Ai’s fears and their meanings.
Because then I could always be with you… If you had died, I would follow… But back then… I didn’t have the courage to kiss you. But Risa… Risa… I…
Ai woke up in an unfamiliar room. She coughed slightly, but when she held her mouth to prevent it’s contagiousness, she noticed that she was sweating lightly probably due to her weak body. She staggered slightly as she rose, and walked slowly to the window. “Am I still in a dream…?”
Sure enough, out the window was a garden, an oriental garden. Risa and Rika were chatting nonchalantly, before Rika smiled and gave Risa a hug.
I hate this… I’m always having nightmares… I need to wake up…
Ai snapped out of it, and noticed that she was now back in Yossie’s room. “How long have I been out…?” Regardless, she tried navigating around Yossie’s room, but collapsed on her knees yet again.
I have to find it…I need to find a way… And end it all…
“You need rest!” came a voice near her.
“I don’t… need your help…” Ai panted, looking up at the source of the voice.
“Like hell your stubborn confidence can help you here!” Reina replied back in a slightly angrier voice.
However, Ai already passed out yet again.
A peaceful life…With kind parents…
“We’re a happy family, ne?” Ai’s father beamed at her.
“Yes… Mother and Father love you very much…”
“We’re so happy that you made it through!”
Though… The others… Their parents didn’t have that much tolerance towards our acceptance in Morning Musume. They were very worried… And very concerned… They didn’t like the thought of their children pursuing such a big business and leaving them behind, getting visits here and there… But my parents… It all seemed like a play… They seemed too happy and too tolerant of it…
“Why do you two seem like you’re both always having fun, and so tolerant? Is there nothing that makes you sad?”
All it took… were those words…
“For whose sake do you think we’re acting giddy for?! For whose sake do you think we have to be like this everyday just so we can try loving you?!”
And the play was over… Even though they couldn’t stand me… Even though I was a complete burden to them…They tried… They tried struggling… Until finally… They broke… And we couldn’t go back to the way we were before… They said that I was not needed…
I’m scared… I’m so scared… Risa… Help me…
“You’re surprisingly heavy for a fragile person, you know?” Reina grunted, trying to get Ai onto Yossie’s bed.
“Eh? What are you two doing here?” Yossie raised a brow as she entered her room.
“She passed out here, help me get her on your bed.”
I’ll never forget that ominous feeling every time I stood in front of that house. Wondering if my parents would go back to normal as I stepped through those doors… Am I supposed to wait? Like a void without emotions… Waiting for forgiveness…
They had just finished recording the news segment of Hello Morning. However, Ai’s voice had been very low and raspy, but it didn’t affect her small dance with “Charmy Ishikawa” to the music of tAtu’s All the things she said with Yuko looking on. However, her body was very stressed, and she could not operate as well as she would if she was not sick. Eventually, the walk from the studio to her house was too unbearable, and she collapsed on her knees, only a few blocks away from the studio.
She heard footsteps behind her, rushing to her aid. When she looked at the side, she found her fellow fifth generation member kneeling down to look at her face.
“Good, you’re still breathing! I thought you passed out, and I’d have a real problem! But I shouldn’t even be smiling! Hold on, I’ll get help!”
Risa… I feel like I haven’t seen her face in a long time… But there were those times before that incident that we had fun together… Like for instance, when I told her I liked her eyebrows, the baffled expression she gave me was so cute…
“Although she may seem fine on the outside… She’s got a terrible flu inside. The symptoms are really obvious, I’d like to think her parents would at least notice this…” she heard a low deep voice, probably that of a doctor’s, say. “It’s not at a severely critical stage, but medicine and lots of rest should suffice for her recovery.”
Ai slowly opened her eyes, which caught the attention of the person to whom the doctor was speaking with.
“We’re at a small clinic,” a female voice reassured. “In case your brain is screwed up or something, it’s your ever loveable senior, Nakazawa.”
Ai got up immediately, “I need to go home!”
“Oh, I already contacted them. You should thank Risa…” Yuko pointed to the aforementioned pig-tailed girl sitting in the corner, “for bringing me to you for transportation to the hospital. Though I have no idea why she asked me, one of the worst drivers in H!P, but she was desperate and we got here in under five minutes. Bending every single driving rule in the country practically.”
Ai looked at Risa and bowed humbly, “thanks.” Risa bowed her head in return, acknowledging her thanks. “But I have to go home! It’s my fault that I was a bad person, but I need to go home!”
“It’s okay if you don’t return,” came the voice of her mother, standing in the doorway. “Go on somewhere where I can’t see you anymore. I just don’t know anymore… I don’t know how to love you anymore… We don’t need you.”
“…How can you say that so easily?!” Risa rose out of her seat, clearly over reacting with her anger, “If our parents tell us that, what are we supposed to do?! Ai thinks she’s a bad person, but you people don’t even think that what you’re doing to us is wrong?! Venting your anger on us, hitting us, looking down on us… You’re hurting yourselves by hurting your children! How can you not understand a simple thing like that?! Apologize!” Yuko was now trying to hold back Risa from lashing, “Apologize to Ai!”
From that point on, my family recovered, little by little… But it’s definitely not the same ‘them…’ We weren’t as close as we used to be, but we never came back to that ‘kind’ family atmosphere…The maelstrom of emotions had overwhelmed me… What was wrong? What was my mistake? Could we truly not go back to the way we were?
Ai was practicing the steps for a song when she heard knocks on her window, from the balcony window that is. She opened the shades and found that Risa was standing right behind the door. Ai opened it and just before she was about to say anything, Risa said, “Want to go out for a nice night walk?”
Every time I locked myself in those dreadful thoughts, Risa would appear. She’d take me to places. We’d talk about trivial things… We ate meals together… And she’d always be with me when I’m sick… The memories of my time with Risa were happy. I felt no pain at all when I was with her…
“How’s highschool for you?” Ai asked, reading a rather interesting mystery novel as she also noticed Risa entering her room.
“Hmm… It’s noiser than junior high… They didn’t like my attitude, so the only thing that’s left for me to do is cut my bangs.”
Ai laughed, getting a baffled expression from the younger, “Your logic is so amusing!”
Risa was a weird person. But a kind person. Maybe… I’ve come to love her… No… I can’t… A love from me would be warped…
“Ai, this may seem out of the blue, but… I want you.”
“Eh… Why…?”
Risa was sitting up on the bed, across from Ai, and had lost her childish features through her serious voice and serious look upon her face.
“Because we are in love with each other…”
Ai felt the crimson rising in her cheeks, and she shook her head, “We can’t… Rika would be mad…”
“But if you ended up with someone other than me, I wouldn’t be able to bear it… Unless… Are you in love with someone else?”
“That’s not it… I…”
I love you, Risa. If she wasn’t here, nothing would have worked. Without Risa, my sorrows will drown me… If I hadn’t been with her, everything would have been hopeless…To lean on… To cling to… I want Risa. I want every single bit of her… My desire for her increases every second… But my “love” will crush her one of these days… Risa will hate me… If I were to lose her…
“Do you feel sorry because of the curse?”
“No, it’s not like that!”
Risa crawled over to Ai, causing the older’s face to fluster a deeper shade of red. With her left hand, the younger gently pushed the other on her back, so that Risa was the dominant one.
“I love you… So I want you. Do you not want me?” Risa frowned, Ai noticed that their faces were dangerously close, and seemed that if Risa got any closer, she might have transformed.
“You know…People speculate that I’d be the dominant person in the relationship rather than you…” Ai smiled, noting that sentence as the permission for Risa to introduce her into a whole new world.
Reason didn’t work. I simply love her too much. Even though it was wrong, I didn’t want to let go. I’m such a twisted person… Why couldn’t I be a normal person? Even holding hands… Even with our bodies on top of eachother…I wanted more of her… I was getting scared… Of what would happen if Rika finds out…
“Is it true?” Rika was leaning against the railing of her balcony, watching Ai standing stiffly inside of the room that belonged to the viyuuden leader, “that you are dating Risa?”
The eyes of Ai broadened and widened.
“That look clears it up. Once you think of doing something, you really do it, eh? So stubborn. How frightening…” Rika looked off to the side.
How did she know of our relationship? Did she see us? Or did someone…
I’m scared of Rika. Of her actions… words… everything… It makes me feel so inferior whenever I’m with her…
“So…” Rika’s voice startled Ai, surprisingly, Rika was now standing in front of her, “Which one of you sweet-talked the other into it?” she smiled, placing her thumb on Ai’s cheek and wrapped her fingers underneath her chin, “Which one of you will incur my anger?”
“Eh?”
“Do you know the incident of Kaori’s left upper wing?”
“It was me! I was the one who talked her into it!”
Rika looked off to the side again, perhaps thinking of a way to torture her. Ai tried to brace herself for what ever came…
“I hate people like you,” Rika said solemnly as she slapped Ai across the face very hard, causing her to even bleed from biting her tongue too hard at the impact. “You’re so bold. Why do you touch my things? Or was there another reason? Did you think you could win against me?” she said as she watched Ai collapse from the hit, and then she grabbed her with her left, maneuvering it so that her left hand was straight and parallel to her body; thus, Ai was now near the open balcony door while Rika was near the entrance to her door.
The expression of Ai clearly displayed fear and helplessness, causing Rika to chuckle, “haha, I get it now… You’re disgusting…You’re of no use, aren’t you? Even with Risa, you’re so hopeless. Your darkness will devour her,” She walked further towards Ai until she was backed into the railing, “Know how little you’re worth! You’re nothing but a meaningless life! Learn your place already!”
Ai tried to struggle out of Rika’s grasp, but to no avail, Rika was surprisingly too strong. Perhaps the reason was due to her having a God’s blood in her?
“You are not needed.”
“We don’t need you.”
And with that, Rika threw Ai off the balcony.
But Risa… She wanted me… There was a person who wanted me, a person no one needs… That was happiness for me…
Aya watched in horror as she saw her fellow H!P member plummet into the ground, creating a noise to which cause shivers across her spine. She immediately rushed to the sight, hoping the blood pouring from Ai’s back will be stopped after she attended to it.
I was happy… Thank you… But that’s enough now… Risa, this time, I will make you happy… I’ll have you escape from those chains… I want to free you… Your happiness is in a broader and free world… I won’t stop searching… Until I find it…
Reina sat with one leg over the other, and arms crossed on a chair pulled up to the bedside. She watched as the elder’s chest rose and fall with the rhythmic breathing.
“You better wake up soon… I’d imagine you don’t want Risa to know about this…”
I’ll keep searching for a way to free you…
I don’t care if it ends with nothing on my hands…
<3
Topic: Our Cursed Gift [Chapter 47: Our Final Promise][COMPLETE] (Read 161561 times)