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Author Topic: First Fic in english...  (Read 1971 times)

Offline Seagull

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First Fic in english...
« on: October 07, 2006, 07:34:27 PM »
This is the first chapter on one of my fan fics. I  usually write in swedish, but this time I translated it to english. I know my english isn't very good and that the story isn't very good, but I wanted to try to write in english.
I hope you like it

-----------------------------------

Chapter 1

  -But Miki you promised to go with me she said with a sad look on her face
  -Okey, but on one condition, you will stay over at my place tonight.
  -Ehh?? What do you mean?
  -Nothing, I have felt kinda lonely the last couple of days
  -Okey, but promise that you’re not going to try anything funny
  -I promise I said and gave her a quick kiss.
  She blushed
  -But come on, we must be there before they close
  She reached up to me and said angry ”what if anyone saw when you kissed me, what had you done then?”
  -Nothing becasue I don’t care as long that I love you and you love me.
  She didn’t say anything she just smiled and took my hand and we began to walk.
  When we reached the amusement park we where going to it was alredy closed.
  -Noooo she said with a sad voice.
  -I told you we were going to be late
  -But what are we going to do now?
  -As compensation im going to treat you for dinner
  -Really??
  -Yes just tell me where you want to go
  -THANK YOU she said happily and hugged me.
  -That unusual isn’t it for me to treat you for dinner
  -No but you have been doing it more
  I didn’t know what to say.
  -But where do you want to go??
  -I don’t know, can not  you choose
  -No today you are going to choose
  -Okey but then we can go to that Italian restaurant that I like
  -Okey said I with a big smile
  -
  When we came to the restaurant it was closed.
  -Noo not here too she said.
  -Yeah, but if you’re hungry I can make something for you when we come home to me
  -Thanks, you don’t do that often, why are you so nice to me today?
  -Aren’t Im always that?
  -Yes yes you are, but you have been really really nice to me today
  I smiled and took her hand and said ”shall we go?” Her answer was of course yes.
  When we came to my apartment I went direct to the kitchen to see if I had any food. I opened the refrigerator and looked, but it wasn’t so much to look at. I have been so busy with work so I havn’t have time to buy food. The only thing I had was some noodles.
  -Will it be okey with noodles?, I asked nervously. It was kinda emberesing to don’t have any thing more then noodles to offer.
  -It’s okey
  I warmed the noodles and went in to the living room where she was sitting.
  -Here you have I said and gave her the noodles.
  -Thank you
  There we sat in the sofa eating noodles and not talking to each other, it felt kinda werid.
  When both of us was done I turned on the TV. It wasn’t any intresting on right know, but she tought so.
  -Intresting??
  -Yes it... before she finshed the sentence I kissed her.
  She tried to break loose but I was to strong. But at last she came loose and asked me ”Why??”
  -I have wanted to kiss you all day I answered
  Her face turned red and she tried not to look in my eyes. I kissed her once more and more  passionately this time. I took of her shirt, I tought that she whould try to stop me, but she didn’t
  -Miki what are you doing?
  -Something I have wanted for a long time
  -Ehh?? You mean.. she asked me nervously
  -What do you mean I asked in a sexy voice.
  -You know… she said and blushed
  -Sex, but my mood is ruined now I said and looked kinda angry.
  -Sorry she said in a really tiny voice that I almost didn’t hear her.
  -Im going to take a shower.
  She didn’t say anything. Before I went in to the bathroom I turned around and looked at her. I saw that she was on th verge of tears. ”Mabye I was to hard on her! I tought and then went in to the bathroom.
  I took of my clothes and stepped in to the shower. The cold water felt nice aganist my skin.
   When I was finished  and I had dried my hair I decided to go and say sorry to her. But when I came in to the living room she was asleep. I saw a tear on her cheek. That I carefully wiped of.
  -I know I can be kinda harsh on you sometimes, but I really love you.
  I placed a kiss on her forhead.
  - You’re my evrything Eri

-----------------------------------------

*runs and hides* :embarrassed:

Offline rndmnwierd

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First Fic in english...
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2006, 07:50:15 PM »
:o:o:o:o Eri? Awesome!

I think you should use, instead of the dash (-), quotations ("). It would just look better. But other than that, not bad at all!

Offline Seagull

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First Fic in english...
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2006, 07:54:27 PM »
Thanks

 But it has become a habit to use (-), but I think i can start to use (")

But thanks once more for the nice words :D

Offline rndmnwierd

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First Fic in english...
« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2006, 09:25:33 PM »
Just trying to help. :D Good luck!

Offline Aioros

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First Fic in english...
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2006, 03:46:07 AM »
Nice start shunjunsweden. :thumbsup

No need to hide because we need to know where this story goes. :P

WAR AKARI!!! Infernal Ninjutsu, Hidden Lore...Freedom of Opposites Technique!!! Rest in peace Kyle,Jab,Mom,Tita, ChrNo...

Offline stefy

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First Fic in english...
« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2006, 01:09:39 PM »
that was confusing... lol i thought it was ayaya! yossie wouldn't fit the character..
but eri?? woo ok..
but yea you sld replace the (-) with ("") or something and indicate who's saying what once in a while...
other than that nice job for someone who's english is not that good

Offline Mikan

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First Fic in english...
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2006, 06:17:55 AM »
Eri?! ERI AND MIKI!! Hurray I love the idea. If you want help you can always hire the help of editors. There are probably a few people out here that will surely help if you if you have questions.

I know for a fact that writing in English is hard!!! So Im very happy and proud of the effort you put in and the result you got

Read the complete Doki Doki!!

Offline lil_hamz

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First Fic in english...
« Reply #7 on: October 09, 2006, 08:23:55 AM »
Quote from: wordsworth
Nice start shunjunsweden. :thumbsup

No need to hide because we need to know where this story goes. :P

MUHAHAHAHAHAHA I second that! This is really good and its not even your 1st language! GJ!!
Eri eh.... I like XD

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