When the time comes, and some/most of you guys can't hold out any longer, just go shag some konnyaku, the Japanese version of apple pie.
Konjac / Konnyaku <- wiki link
"Eh??", you say.. Well, I was out for dinner the other week with the wife, and she's eating some konnyaku and asked if I wanted some.. Just looking at it, I'm like "I'll pass thanks", and she says "Nah, try it.. It's famous for being like pussy". So naturally I tried it (taste), and yeah, it's pretty close.
And tonight, I'm flicking through some magazines and came across a section titled "Onani Life" [wanking life], which listed the Top 10 things to stick your member in, and yep, konnyaku was No.1, followed closely by an inside out squid and a hollowed out banana.
note: There was no mention of apple pie anywhere.