Jokes for the day

[ferrar1]

Hi people, found some jokes on the net that i thought i will share. If there's a similar thread please combine I'll start with a long one, please forgive the language.

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 The Word Fu*k

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fu*k". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fu*k" falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fu*ked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fu*ked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fu*k), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fu*k), an adverb (Mary is fu*king interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fu*k).
It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fu*king beautiful) or an interjection (Fu*k! I'm late for my date with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fu*k she's also stupid).
As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fu*k". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations...

Greetings "How the fu*k are ya?"

Fraud "I got fu*ked by the car dealer."

Resignation "Oh, fu*k it!"

Trouble "I guess I'm fu*ked now."

Aggression "FU*K YOU!"

Disgust "Fu*k me."

Confusion "What the fu*k.......?"

Difficulty "I don't understand this fu*king business!"

Despair "Fu*ked again..."

Pleasure "I fu*king couldn't be happier."

Displeasure "What the fu*k is going on here?"

Lost "Where the fu*k are we."

Disbelief "UNFU*KING BELIEVABLE!"

Retaliation "Up your fu*king ass!"

Denial "I didn't fu*king do it."

Perplexity "I know fu*k all about it."

Apathy "Who really gives a fu*k, anyhow?"

Suspicion "Who the fu*k are you?"

Panic "Let's get the fu*k out of here."

Directions "Fu*k off."

Disbelief "How the fu*k did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fu*king asshole."

It can be used to tell time- "It's five fu*king thirty."

It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fu*king job?"

It can be maternal- "Mother fu*ker."

It can be political- "Fu*k Dan Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history...

"What the fu*k was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where the fu*k is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic

"That's not a real fu*king gun."
- John Lennon

"Who's gonna fu*king find out?"
- Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fu*king roll."
- Anne Boleyn

"Let the fu*king woman drive."
- Commander of Space Shuttle

"What fu*king map?"
- "Challenger," Mark Thatcher

"Any fu*king idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein

"It does so fu*king look like her!"
- Picasso

"How the fu*k did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras

"You want what on the fu*king ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo

"Fu*k a duck."
- Walt Disney

"Why?- Because its fu*king there!"
- Edmund Hilary

"I don't suppose its gonna fu*king rain?"
- Joan of Arc

"Scattered fu*king showers my ass."
- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a fu*king hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy

[ferrar1]

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.

Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night....whether you're here or not."

(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

Marriage (Part V)

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always rough draft before the masterpiece.
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:ROFL at the last line, makes so much sense

[Guchi_Jnr]

It's a lot funnier if you watch a little skit.

Proper Use Of English Word "FUCK" - By MONTY PYTHON

[ferrar1]

Prince and Princess

Once upon a time, there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own,
was cast under a spell by an evil witch.

The curse prevented the prince from speaking or writing but for only
one word each year.

However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a
whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day, he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love with her.

With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole
years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end
of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he
waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent
years to
5.

At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to
marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking.

Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.
Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in
that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her
lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I
love you! Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear,
opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said,
"Pardon?"

[JFC]

^ Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurn!


Confucious once said: Learn to masturbate. Come in handy.

[ferrar1]

some short and nice jokes

---------------------------------

Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

--------------------------------

 A man walks into his favorite bar extremely upset. He tells the bartender,"Give me a martini. I really need it." The bartender asks what's wrong. The man says, "I just found out my brother is gay." The bartender says, "I guess you do need a drink."

A week later the same man walks into the bar, again extremely upset, and tells the bartender "Give me a double martini. I really need it today." The bartender asks "What's wrong now? You look even worse than you did last week." The man says, "I just found out my son is gay." The bartender says, "I guess you really do need it," and gives him a double martini.

Another week passes and the man walks into the bar, even more upset, and says "Give me a triple martini." The bartender says, "Don't tell me you found out another family member is gay?" The man says "yep." The bartender says, "My God, doesn't anybody in your family like ****y?"

And the man says, "Yes. My wife."

----------------------------------------

 Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.

Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.

Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!

Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A ****y, cause you have to leave the bags outside.

Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dick!

[ferrar1]

This must be bull shit :ROFL

-----------------------------

 Irish Bank Robbery

Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

--------------------------------------------

 At the golf course

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that?... Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! ...That bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand ....."

[arun.yothin]

Those are some funny ass jokes, ferrar!

How do you hide money from a hippie?
Put it under the soap.

I got this one from romancancel.com
You know why they call me the hadoken?
'Cause I'm down right FIERCE!

I got some others, but I need to find them online. I forget the exact way to tell them, so they're not that funny.

[wildstarr]

The martini joke reminds me of this one.

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini to the amazement of the barkeep.  When the bartender gives the gorilla the martini, he's further surprised to see that the ape is holding out a 20 dollar bill.  The man takes the 20. Then he decides to see just how smart the gorilla is, so hands the ape back only a dollar change.  The gorilla sips the martini until the barkeep breaks the silence. "We don't get very many apes in here," he says.  The gorilla replies, "At 19 dollars a drink, I'm not surprised."

[ferrar1]

^ Nice

Few more nice ones, i got them off a local forum with a similar thread, so i thought of doing the same here.

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 THE DIFF BTW PRISON AND WORK

IN PRISON... You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK... You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle

IN PRISON... You get three meals a day.
AT WORK... You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON... You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON... All expenses are paid by tax payers with no work required.
AT WORK... You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK... You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK... They are called supervisors. FTW :ROFL

IN PRISON... You have unlimited time to read jokes.
AT WORK... You get fired if you get caught.

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Sex talk
What women say during sex ?
a) British Women? Oh Yes, oh yes baby.
b) American Women? Yeah yeah baby.
c) Asian Women? Please don't tell anyone.

------------------------------------------


The bartender served a woman a glass of orange juice. The man sitting next to her, turned to her and said, "This is a special day; I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered. "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?" asked the woman. "I switched cocks." Said the man.

"What a coincidence!" she replied

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Four Secrets to a Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money
3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex
4. It is very important that these three women never met!

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^ I like this best

[ferrar1]

The top 10 rejection lines given by women.



10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance')

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) :ROFL

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)

[maliciel]

Why did the cat fall off the roof?

Because he lost his mu.

(mew=sound cats make, mu=coeff of friction)

[ferrar1]

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

-----------------------------------------------------

>>Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
>>
>>Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
>>
>>Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
>>
>>Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
>>away."
>>
>>Operator: "Went away?"
>>
>>Caller: "They disappeared."
>>
>>Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
>>
>>Caller: "Nothing."
>>
>>Operator: "Nothing??"
>>
>>Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
>>
>>Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
>>
>>Caller: "How do I tell?"
>>
>>Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
>>
>>Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
>>
>>Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
>>
>>Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
>>type."
>>
>>Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
>>
>>Caller: "What's a monitor?"
>>
>>Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
>>it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
>>
>>Caller: "I don't know."
>>
>>Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
>>power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
>>
>>Caller: "Yes, I think so."
>>
>>Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
>>into the wall.
>>
>>Caller: "Yes, it is."
>>
>>Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
>>were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
>>
>>Caller: "No."
>>
>>Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
>>the other cable."
>>
>>Caller: "Okay, here it is."
>>
>>Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
>>back of your computer."
>>
>>Caller: "I can't reach."
>>
>>Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
>>
>>Caller: "No."
>>
>>Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
>>over??"
>>
>>Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because
>>it's dark."
>>
>>Operator: "Dark??"
>>
>>Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
>>coming in from the window.
>>
>>Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
>>
>>Caller: "I can't."
>>
>>Operator: "No? Why not??"
>>
>>Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
>>
>>Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it
>>licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
>>computer came in??"
>>
>>Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
>>
>>Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
>>like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
>>from."
>>
>>Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
>>
>>Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
>>
>>Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
>>
>>Operator: "Tell them you're too f%*%*%g stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

[ferrar1]

Saying The Right Thing

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

--------------------------------------------------

This has to be one of the best out there.

Iraqis On Star Trek

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN was walking down the hallway and bumped into President Bush.

Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, "Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what I’ve seen in America."

Politely, President Bush answered, "If I can help explain things to you, please let me know."

The Iraqi whispered. "My little girl watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in this show, there’s Chekov who is a Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Sulu who is Chinese… but there aren't any Iraqis. Why aren’t there any Iraqis on Star Trek?".

President Bush whispered back to the ambassador, "It's because Star Trek takes place in the future."

[freakz]

just go on.......... funny enough

[Tyball]

Not sure if this can be considered a joke but...

A cannibal walks into a bar, slams one fist on the counter and yells at the bartender:
"Give me a double bourbon!"
The bartender looks at the cannibal without flinching and says:
"Sorry, but we don't serve men here."
The cannibal takes out the thigh-bone which had been stuck in his hair, and beats the counter hard with it several times as he screams:
"I didn't say I wanted food, I want a drink!!"

The bartender, while still looking unimpressed, points over to a sign at the end of the counter. The sign reads: "We serve vampires only".
The cannibal looks bewildered at the bartender, who smilingly bares his large fangs and says:
"You're still welcome to stay a while though."
The cannibal turns around abruptly, and starts running towards the exit. The bartender makes a hand-gesture, and the door slams shut in the cannibal's face. The bartender lets out an evil-sounding laugh, as the cannibal knocks himself unconscious from hitting the door.

 

[Marks Spencer]

For those of you who need to fill in evaluation reports for your subordinate:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager.  You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.).  Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).  Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others.  We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST. (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

 

[ferrar1]

Lol this thread is still in page 1