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Author Topic: What Needed to be Done  (Read 64075 times)

Offline JFC

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #140 on: April 15, 2007, 09:44:55 PM »
Quote
And so begins a series of chapters that will be difficult to write.
It's just as hard for us to read it dude. It pulls at heartstrings I never knew I had.

JPH!P :heart:'s kuro808, Fushigidane, ChrNo, Jab & marimari. Always.

Offline rndmnwierd

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #141 on: April 16, 2007, 01:25:01 AM »
So when Aya died, Miki died, and when Miki dies, Aya goes crazy. Seems like a fair trade.

What am I saying? You're evil.

Jeez, I can't wait for the next update.

Offline edhead999

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #142 on: April 16, 2007, 03:56:51 AM »
That was so depressing... especially when Miki's mom showed Aya to Miki's room...

I think I'm gonna go read the chapter where Aya finds Miki again (from Love infinity). That'll make me feel better..

Nacchi... kawaii XD

Offline Amarghetta

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #143 on: April 16, 2007, 06:54:09 PM »
How could I have missed the latest updates?!? Honestly...

Again, there's the surrealistic feeling of things, in a really good way. I think I'm either getting used to it now, or it wasn't as freaky as before.

I guess the following chapters will be hard to write because of the emotional side of the story, but I don't think you'll have that much trouble after all.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2007, 02:58:51 AM by Amarghetta »

Offline OTN1

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #144 on: April 16, 2007, 10:27:36 PM »
Oh, good.  It's surrealistic to you.  To me, too.  And to Aya.  I'm taking this story really slowly (I've kept your words in mind from last story (about that one seeming rushed)), but I may have dragged it out for too long here.  I'm not sure.  There's still lots to go.  I hope I'm not boring people by repeating things.

Aya going crazy is kind of evil of me, huh?  Ah well.  All for the sake of drama... Thank you all for reading.


Chapter 20

I sit and watch Miki's Aunt Keiko prepare some sort of dish.  I greet various other family members that come into the kitchen, but I don't go and sit with them in the living room because I feel awkward.  I haven't met most of them before, and while I have no problem meeting new people and getting along with them, right now I don't want to talk to anybody.  They're all going to ask all these questions about me- where I'm from, what my interests are, and how I know Miki - and I just don't want to get into all that.  I don't want to sit there and pretend everything's okay, because it's certainly not.

So I sit there, observing quietly.

Aunt Keiko tells me that the family is going to her place for dinner tonight.  She invites me to come along.  I give her a vague answer.  I really don't want to go, but I may have no choice if the whole family is going and this house is left abandoned.

Miki's mom walks in and out of the kitchen, spreading her time between her sister-in-law and the rest of the family.  When Aunt Keiko is out of the kitchen for a moment, she mentions to me - as if she knows it's what's on my mind - that I don't have to go to the family dinner.  She says her husband is going, but she herself is not.  I tell her I want to stay at home with her.

I pass the rest of the afternoon in mental isolation from everyone else in the house.  Once dinner time comes, everyone leaves.  Everyone except Miki's mom.  We sit together and eat a simple and quiet meal that we've prepared together.  Once we're finished, the conversation starts.

"They said they still don't know who the killer is," she says.

I nod.

"They're looking for the person or people now."

"But why?  Why would someone do this?" she asks.  "I don't understand."

I'm with her on that.  She's going through the same thing I'm going through.  The disbelief.  The lack of understanding.  Is it a good thing that we don't know why evil minds do what they do?  Maybe if we could understand, we could find acceptance.  Or maybe it's better not to understand.  Not to poison our minds with such things.

Miki's mother turns very serious and looks at me with piercing eyes.

"Was she... was she mixed up in anything?  I mean..."

I know it kills her to ask, but she has to.  She has to entertain every single possibility because nothing makes sense to her.

"No.  She wasn't.  Or if she was, I didn't know about it, and believe me, I'd know about it," I reply firmly.

Miki was not mixed up with drugs, stolen goods, gangs, prostitution... nothing of the sort.  I know that.  She could never be.  She is - was - Miki.  A bad girl, but not a bad bad girl.  A cute one.  A nice one.  One that I could understand half the time, and the other half I wasn't sure whether I really had to understand her or not because we just clicked.

And she was murdered.

I see stars and I clench my hand into a fist, but I keep it hidden under the table.  Bouts of rage should not be displayed publicly.  It suggests imbalance.

"Did you see her before they kil- before...?" Miki's mom asks me, choking on that ugly word.

I nod again.

"The day before."

"Was she... What was she like when you saw her?"

That's a difficult question to answer, but I owe it to her mother to be completely honest.

"As wonderful a friend as ever," I say softly.  "She had some worries, though, and was going to talk about them with me later.  Other than that, she seemed okay."

We don't speak for some time.  We sit there, drinking in the strange atmosphere we've created by talking about a murdered girl.  It's surreal.  Nothing could have ever prepared me for this.  When I got thrown into that other, strange world, it was different.  I had no evidence that Miki was dead.  She was just missing, and I eventually found her alive and well.  In this case, though, I have plenty of evidence that she's dead, the biggest piece being her body.

I never thought I'd outlive her, but then I start to wonder.  What did I expect in the future?  I've never thought about death until now.  However, if I ever had before, I probably would have imagined us dying at the exact same time, or at least close enough so that one of us wouldn't miss the other for too long.  Maybe it would have been best if we both got killed simultaneously.  Maybe in a traffic accident or a plane crash.

What am I thinking??

I have to stop thinking about death now.  She's dead.  I'm alive.  My purpose now is to find out why she's dead.  To find out why we didn't die together like we were supposed to...

I can't stand this silence anymore.  I can't stand listening to myself think.

I get up and start clearing the table.  Miki's mom tells me to stop and that she'll do it later, but I mumble something about having to keep distracted.  She gets up and helps me.  Together we wash the dishes without a word between us, and then we go and sit back down at the table to watch television.

Watching TV with Miki's mom.  I don't think I've ever done that with just her.  It's different.  Watching TV with a parent other than my own is not something usual, is it?  But what about when someone has died?  Does that cancel out all other weirdness?  Is this normal now?

Who knows.

Neither one of us has any revelations in the next few hours.  We sit there watching TV, we talk a tiny bit here and there - just small talk - and then I excuse myself with a genuine yawn, saying I'm exhausted and am going to get ready for bed.  Miki's mother launches into housewife mode and shows me where the towels are so I can take a bath, and where the extra blankets are in case I get cold at night.  I let her show me where everything is, and I'm struck by how much I already know.  The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.  Miki does things a lot like her mom does, and I find it comforting and heartbreaking at the same time.  I don't want to be reminded of her.

I thank her mom graciously, and then she's off to distract herself while I take a bath and put on my pyjamas. 

It's colder upstairs, but once I get under the covers, I warm up.  The wonderful thing about Hokkaido is that people really know how to keep warm in the winter.  It's a perfected art form.  The Fujimoto family has not cut corners, and it's invested in good quality sheets and blankets for the whole family.

I lie under those warms covers, though, and I start to shiver.  What comes next is what I have been expecting and dreading.

I remember the last time I was here with Miki.  It was a year ago.  Some cousin of Miki's got married and she came up for the wedding.  I joined her the next day, and we had a little vacation here for one day and then in Sapporo for the next two.  We stayed in this room together.  Her mother apologised so much that there was no extra bedding since some family members were staying over because of the wedding, but I told her over and over again that it was okay.  Like, really okay.  We slept together- beside each other.  We didn't do anything because having the entire family in the house is just creepy, and it's just all sorts of wrong.  We did what we used to do way back when we were first getting to know each other - we lay there and talked - whispered - about nothing and everything. 

The next morning her mom had come in to wake us up because my cell phone alarm clock had gone off three times and we'd ignored it each time.  She was getting sick of hearing the loud music.  She walked in calling out Miki's name, and she found us sleeping, wrapped around each other like vines around a pole.  We were foggy-headed and slow-moving, so we didn't quite realise what was going on, but when we saw her mother and I felt Miki hugging me from behind, we freaked out and jumped apart.  Her mother, however, didn't notice.  She was having a fit of cuteness.  Apparently, seeing her daughter and her daughter's best friend hugging in the morning like that was the cutest thing ever.  She started to reminisce about her old sleepovers, and so Miki and I lay there, trying to be as far apart as possible, our faces no doubt the colour of tomatoes, hearts beating quickly from the surprise and fear of almost being caught in a compromising position.  No, we were caught in a compromising position, but the thought of it being anything more than just unintentional nocturnal movement was never a possibility to Miki's mother.

We're so dumb.  We were so dumb.

Goddamnit, stop thinking in the present tense, Aya.

I don't want to think in the past tense, though.  It makes me feel sick.

I close my eyes and try to sleep.

"We're cooler than destiny."

I know, Miki.  I know we are.  But why did this happen?  If we're so cool, if we're so smart, if we're so great... why are you dead?

"'Home is where the heart is!'"

Oh really, Miki?  Then my heart's followed you to where you are.

Where are you?  Are you cold?  I am...

"Don't worry about me, Aya.  I'm fine."

No, you're not.  And neither am I.

A tear works its way out of my eye and slides down my cheek slowly, falling onto the pillow.

I'm pathetic.  I'm lying in a dead girl's bed and hearing her voice say things she's said to me before and choosing to treat them as things she's trying to say to me now.

I'd better sharpen up by tomorrow.  Tomorrow is the wake.  The next day, the funeral.

I keep my eyes shut and run through all the things I brought with me in my bags.  I have appropriate clothing to wear for both events.  But no matter how much clothes I put on, I'm still naked.


Offline JFC

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #145 on: April 16, 2007, 11:37:58 PM »
Quote
Oh, good.  It's surrealistic to you.  To me, too.  And to Aya.  I'm taking this story really slowly (I've kept your words in mind from last story (about that one seeming rushed)), but I may have dragged it out for too long here.  I'm not sure.  There's still lots to go.  I hope I'm not boring people by repeating things.
Dude, if anyone here says any of your stories are boring, Shiba-chan can take a gun like she has in your sig and shoot them. ;D


Quote
Miki's mother turns very serious and looks at me with piercing eyes.

"Was she... was she mixed up in anything?  I mean..."

I know it kills her to ask, but she has to.  She has to entertain every single possibility because nothing makes sense to her.
Indeed, heaven forbid it was actually true, but if it was, at least if would be something a bit more concrete to go on.


Quote
We slept together- beside each other.  We didn't do anything because having the entire family in the house is just creepy, and it's just all sorts of wrong.
Under other circumstances, I would/could have said that that scenario was kinky.


Quote
I keep my eyes shut and run through all the things I brought with me in my bags.  I have appropriate clothing to wear for both events.  But no matter how much clothes I put on, I'm still naked.
Because Miki's not there with her.


 :k-sad:

JPH!P :heart:'s kuro808, Fushigidane, ChrNo, Jab & marimari. Always.

Offline OTN1

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #146 on: April 17, 2007, 11:20:18 AM »
Ah, not boring?  I hope.  Thanks, man!

Yeah, the whole family-in-the-house thing is kind of kinky.  But I'm saving that for another story.  Hahaha.

Here we go with the deep stuff.

Chapter 21

"Rise and shine, lazy."

I open my eyes - or I think I do - and shut them immediately with a groan.  I'm still dreaming.  I clear my mind and try again.  This time I see nobody.  I'm lying on my stomach, my pillow nowhere even near me.  I feel like I've been hacked to bits and then reassembled haphazardly by a quack.

I roll up and out of bed, and I get dressed.  I go downstairs to see Miki's mom sitting alone in the living room with a cup of tea.  I join her wordlessly, and she gets up to pour me a cup.  She asks if I want breakfast, but I decline.  I don't feel hungry.

She gives me the details about the wake - where the mortuary hall is and at what time it starts.  She says I can get a ride with her brother.  He'll be stopping by to pick up some other family members, but she has to go early and tend to some other details.

I go upstairs and lay out the clothes I'm going to wear to the wake.  I then grab my jacket and tell Miki's mom I'm going for a walk.

I step out into the crisp air and I'm thankful I have my winter jacket with me.  A gust of wind comes and my hair and skirt whip around me, making it difficult to see and walk for a moment.

I don't think.  I just walk.  I'm not surprised when I find myself at the restaurant where Baachan, Miki, and I cooked delicious meals together for two months.  It looks the same as it did in the other world.  I want to go inside, but it doesn't open until noon.  I hang around for a bit, trying to catch a glimpse of anyone I know, but I have no luck.  Maybe they don't even exist in this world, although I suspect they do.

I wander away, tracing a familiar path.  I find myself heading out of town and in the direction of the hills.  It's what Miki and I did for those two months of extra time I was given with her.  Our treks out into the snow-covered hills, our snowball fights, our wild sheep chases...

Before I get to the bridge that will take me further into non-civilised territory, I turn back.  There are too many ghosts to face and not enough time.  I have to go back to the Fujimoto home and get dressed in the clothes I've prepared.  It takes me quite some time to get back because I walk slowly, trying to enjoy my freedom.

Miki's parents leave me with Aunt Keiko and her two sons.  I sit upstairs, alone, looking through what little Miki has left in her room.  Mostly old school books and informational pamphlets about various club events.  I thumb through her English and mathematics notebooks, and never have the two subjects been more enthralling to me than they are now.  Full of self-correcting red pen marks, I imagine these books have seen that adorable, concentrated stare of hers when she gets into something and focuses all her attention on that one thing.

She's so easy to surprise when she's doing that.  I do it all the time.  I sneak up beside her and touch her arm and she twitches.  She doesn't make big movements because she really is a cool, collected person.  However, that tiny little twitch is enough to prove that I've caught her unawares.  She gets annoyed when her concentration has been broken, and I love those glares she gives me.  Those angry looks.  The foul mood she gets into.  I love it because it's all hyperbole.  Delicious exaggeration.  It's her way of flirting with me.  It always works.

No.

Not is.  Was.

Not does.  Did.

It's all in the past.  Never again.  Never, ever again.

Some sick person has - or people have - made sure that she'll never be surprised again.  She'll never pretend to get annoyed again.  Never scowl at me angrily again.

And when I find that person or those people...

RING RING.

I fall out of my thoughts and grab for my phone, checking the display.  It's Shibata.

"Hi," I say quickly, checking the time to see I have some left before I'm picked up and driven away.

"Aya-chan, how is everything?  Is this a bad time?"

"Everything's, well, as good as can be.  And no, it's a perfect time," I reply, glad that she has caught me before I black out from rage or something.

"I have some news for you."

My heart skips a beat.

"It's about the café."

"What is it?" I demand.

"I met the man," Shibata says plainly.  "The main mystery man Miki-chan was meeting with.  I talked to him."

A flood of questions spills out of my mouth, and Shibata tries to answer them.

"Please listen.  I'll tell you all I know."

"Okay."

Just like Ochiai.

"I was sitting there just now reading a book and he walked in.  Ochiai-san sent me a note through a waitress telling me that he was the one.  I kept reading and minding my own business when he came up to me."

"Wait, he approached you?" I ask, bewildered.

I thought it would have to be the other way around.

"Mmhmm.  He commented on the book I was reading.  It turns out he's read it, too.  He wasn't lying about it, either.  We discussed it."

"You discussed literature with Miki's killer?" I blow up.

What the hell was this girl thinking?!

"Aya-chan, we don't know that he did it," she says diplomatically.  "And yes, we discussed literature."

"H-how can you?  What... How...?"

"Please listen.  All we did was chat for about twenty minutes, and then he said he had to go."

"That's it??" I explode again.  "You just let him go?!"

There's a hard silence on the line.  A scolding silence from Shibata telling me to be quiet and listen.  I hush up, a little embarrassed.

"He asked if we could meet again.  I told him that I hang out at the café these days since I work nearby.  It's not entirely a lie.  I told him he could find me there, and he said he looked forward to talking to me again."

I can't believe it.  This guy that possibly killed Miki wants to go out on a date with Shibata.

On the other hand, we now have our suspect in our grasp.  Or at least Shibata's grasp.  If anyone can turn on the charm, it's that former Melon.  She could have him eating out of the palm of her hand within one hour.

"Shiba-chan, I, uh, don't know what to say."

It's dangerous, stupid, exactly what I want...  We're playing tag with a cobra, and there's no telling what's going to happen.

"Don't say anything.  Just stay away from the café and let me handle it.  I'm going to get to know him and see if I can get a name or a job description or something out of him.  I'll see if he mentions Miki-chan at all."

I feel so grateful right now that she's putting her life on the line.  Overwhelmed, actually.

"Shiba-chan."

"Yeah?"

"When's this going to end?" I ask sadly.

She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.

"I don't know.  Just hang in there."

Someone downstairs calls for me.  We're leaving.

"I have to go.  The wake starts soon," I say quickly.

There's a heavy pause as Shibata remembers what I'm here for.

"Stay strong, Aya-chan.  I'll see you in a few days?"

"Yeah.  Thanks for calling.  See you."

We hang up and I walk downstairs slowly.  When I see the car, I freeze.

I don't want to go.  I'll throw a fit.  I'll lock myself in the bathroom.  I'll tie myself to the door.  I do not want to go to the wake.  I don't want to see her body.  I don't want to accept this harsh reality.  It's like my entire sense of happiness before this whole mess has been lied to.  That probably doesn't even make sense, but feelings don't make sense.

Aunt Keiko seems to notice that I've stopped in my tracks, and she links her arm around mine and guides me to the car gently.  We get in, and I sit there, trembling inside, stoic on the outside.

"Is this your first wake?" she asks me sympathetically.

I shake my head.  I've been to two before, both for family members.  One I was close to.  The other I never knew.

We don't speak for the rest of the drive.


The wake is a wake.  Nothing out of the ordinary happens.  As I kneel in front of the casket to pay my respects, my mind can barely believe what I'm doing.  I bow down, close my eyes and make my final promise to her.  This time directly to her.  Only a wooden panel separates her body from mine.

I'm not going to say goodbye to you. 

I wish I could bring you back.  I wish you were here.

 Thank you for everything.  You know.  Everything.

I will find whoever did this to you.  I will find him and make sure he never does anything like this again.

I love you so much, but you already know that.  Don't forget it.  I won't.


I finish up the standard ritual which can't possibly mean as much as my thoughts towards her do.

Once it's time, the priest does his job.  We sit there and listen.

The thing that chills me is not the priest's voice chanting sutras.  It's the fact that I am kneeling in the room with Miki's body right up at the front.  I stare at the casket the whole time.  There's a large, smiling picture of her over it, but I can't look at it.  It's not the real Miki.  The real Miki is inside that wooden box.

And in my heart.

When we finally get up, I realise I haven't cried the entire time.  I'm too upset to cry.  I'm angry.  I'm desperate.

I excuse myself and go to the washroom while the food and table are prepared.  I run the water and wash my hands, drying them off quickly before leaving and stepping outside.  There are a few men out for a smoke, but I avoid them.  I round the corner of the building and stand against the wall, my arms crossed for warmth.

That's when the tears come.  They're not wild tears.  I can still breathe normally.  They're more tears of reality hitting.

Miki is dead.  Tomorrow her body will be burned into grey ashes and I'll never look at her face again except in pictures.  I'll be able to hold what's left of her in an urn in one hand.

No, Miki wasn't a body.  I have to remind myself of that.  She was a mind.  She was a soul.  She was part of me.  In the end, she had a very good life.  She had me, I had her.  She had a good job, good friends, and good dreams.

She was the one damned thing that I could rely on in my life.

And she was ripped away.

I start to cry a little harder because I realise something else:

I've started thinking of her in the past tense.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2007, 11:52:37 AM by OTN1 »

Offline Estrea

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #147 on: April 17, 2007, 12:32:36 PM »
Quote
I've started thinking of her in the past tense.

My heart just died here. I didn't cry though. Just. Didn't. But I was sad.

Excellent chapter as always. Really looks into the kind of torment Aya is going through. Good job.

永遠に咲き続ける花なんていない、すべてはいずれ枯れて朽ち果てしまう。

Currently writing:
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I'm also on AO3!
http://archiveofourown.org/users/Estrea

Offline Amarghetta

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #148 on: April 17, 2007, 02:28:30 PM »
Oh, good.  It's surrealistic to you.  To me, too.  And to Aya.  I'm taking this story really slowly (I've kept your words in mind from last story (about that one seeming rushed)), but I may have dragged it out for too long here.  I'm not sure.  There's still lots to go.  I hope I'm not boring people by repeating things.
Oh, I said something that smart?  ;D
Shame on me, I tend to forget what I say to others, probably because I don't think much about my own words.

I'm not in the least bored, but don't know about the others. It does seem like it'll take more from you (and from us, to keep reading and waiting!), but I think it'll be worthy. I do get anxious, though. Every new chapter only elongates the agony.

But don't think I'm complaining! I sort of like being dragged along in this emotional roller coaster. [It makes me feel alive...]


The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.  Miki does things a lot like her mom does, and I find it comforting and heartbreaking at the same time.  I don't want to be reminded of her.
Indeed, that's exactly how it is. very observant and clever of you, to include such trivial details in the story. It provides a sense of reality despite all the weirdness. ;)


Some sick person has - or people have - made sure that she'll never be surprised again.  She'll never pretend to get annoyed again.  Never scowl at me angrily again.
OTN1...? :p


I've started thinking of her in the past tense.
I have to agree with Estrea here. It's such a killer line.

Offline JFC

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #149 on: April 17, 2007, 04:47:30 PM »
Quote
Yeah, the whole family-in-the-house thing is kind of kinky.  But I'm saving that for another story.  Hahaha.
I'm sensing a new entry for a slash challenge.


Quote
Before I get to the bridge that will take me further into non-civilised territory, I turn back.  There are too many ghosts to face and not enough time.
I don't know if I'd even have the guts to face them.


Quote
"I met the man," Shibata says plainly.  "The main mystery man Miki-chan was meeting with.  I talked to him."

...

"I was sitting there just now reading a book and he walked in.  Ochiai-san sent me a note through a waitress telling me that he was the one.  I kept reading and minding my own business when he came up to me."

"Wait, he approached you?" I ask, bewildered.

I thought it would have to be the other way around.
So Shiba-chan has met him, and he approached her like he approached Miki. Whatever scheme/plan they had going with Miki, perhaps he still needs someone to see it through, and right now it looks like he may be thinking Shiba-chan can take Miki's place.


Quote
"You discussed literature with Miki's killer?" I blow up.

What the hell was this girl thinking?!

"Aya-chan, we don't know that he did it," she says diplomatically.  "And yes, we discussed literature."

...


"He asked if we could meet again.  I told him that I hang out at the café these days since I work nearby.  It's not entirely a lie.  I told him he could find me there, and he said he looked forward to talking to me again."
It's a REALLY good thing that it's Shiba-chan doing this, as she's able to keep a level head. If it was Aya she probably would have launched into a public tirade right then and there, accussing him of being involved. And if THAT happened they can kiss goodbye any chance of finding out what really happened.


Quote
On the other hand, we now have our suspect in our grasp.  Or at least Shibata's grasp.  If anyone can turn on the charm, it's that former Melon.  She could have him eating out of the palm of her hand within one hour.

...

"Don't say anything.  Just stay away from the café and let me handle it.  I'm going to get to know him and see if I can get a name or a job description or something out of him.  I'll see if he mentions Miki-chan at all."
Again, it's a good thing that it's Shiba-chan doing this. In order to work, the plan needs someone who can quickly think, adapt, and improvise. Right now Aya's too emotionally involved/distraught to be that person.


Quote
Tomorrow her body will be burned into grey ashes and I'll never look at her face again except in pictures.  I'll be able to hold what's left of her in an urn in one hand.
They're going to cremate her? In some ways that's even creepier/more depressing than the whole wake/funeral itself. The fact that Miki will still "be there"...just...cryptic.


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I start to cry a little harder because I realise something else:

I've started thinking of her in the past tense.
In a way, it's good that this has happened. It shows that, as hard as it may be, Aya has started to accept that Miki is gone. That's the first step to being able to move on with her life and live. It's what Miki would have wanted.

JPH!P :heart:'s kuro808, Fushigidane, ChrNo, Jab & marimari. Always.

Offline Econxp

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #150 on: April 17, 2007, 10:47:29 PM »
My God, this is an extraordinary fic, excellent protrayal of emotions and realistic images pop in my head, like a sad yet touching movie running down like an endless trail of darkness and light....dammit i just confused myself :confused: well the point is, i love where this fic is going, and please update asap =)  ;D

Offline Tinnygy

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #151 on: April 18, 2007, 02:50:50 AM »

I start to cry a little harder because I realise something else:

I've started thinking of her in the past tense.

OTN1! Now you really get all my tears.
GAM= Great Aya and Miki

Offline joyce

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #152 on: April 18, 2007, 04:16:37 AM »
whoa, just missed your updates of 3 new chapters! 

aya recalling miki's lines from the past really touched me.  it's like...magnifys miki being a big and natural part of aya.  shibata risking her life is also a good moment of friendship.  i really hope nothing happens to her.  please dun. . . ..

and like the others...your last line "i've started thinking of her in the past tense" was definitely heartbreaking!

Offline edhead999

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #153 on: April 18, 2007, 04:31:45 AM »
So depressing! I dunno, in response to what you said before, it doesn't drag on, but it has a feeling of dragging... a necessary feeling... yeah? It's hard to explain, but it's kind of like a block of depressing necessity to the story. These last few chapters have been really good... in a depressing, heart-string pulling sort of way =\...

Nacchi... kawaii XD

Offline OTN1

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #154 on: April 18, 2007, 09:38:50 AM »
OTN1...? :p
Bingo.  That's right.  I'm the killer.  Hahaha!
They're going to cremate her? In some ways that's even creepier/more depressing than the whole wake/funeral itself. The fact that Miki will still "be there"...just...cryptic.
Yup, in the good old Buddhist way.
....dammit i just confused myself :confused: 
And yet I understood you perfectly.  Thank you!

Edhead999, that makes sense about the dragging.  Maybe it really comes out when Aya asks Shiba-chan, "When's this going to end?"  She feels the dragging and just wants it to be over with.  Or maybe I'm pulling something out of JFC's butt again.

Offline JFC

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #155 on: April 18, 2007, 10:45:59 PM »
Or maybe I'm pulling something out of JFC's butt again.
It lives to serve. ;D

JPH!P :heart:'s kuro808, Fushigidane, ChrNo, Jab & marimari. Always.

Offline rndmnwierd

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #156 on: April 19, 2007, 07:02:31 AM »
What everyone else said, especially about the last line. Total tear factory, right here.

Offline OTN1

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #157 on: April 19, 2007, 12:14:31 PM »
Chapter 22

I eventually dry my tears and go back inside, but I'm even quieter than before.  I sit at the end of a table and eat quietly - or I pretend to.  "Eating" mostly consists of me rearranging my food in ways to make it look like I've eaten some of it.  Nobody bothers me or forces me into conversation.  I think I give off a bad vibe.  I must seem like a cold-hearted celebrity bitch with no manners.  However, most of the people there know I was close to Miki.  We did work together in the public eye for years.  Maybe they will keep that in mind before they judge me.

We get home very late that night.  Lots of people are drunk as we leave, and I feel bitterness inside me start to take root.  Do these people even care about her?  Are they here just for food and drink?  For show?

I crawl under the covers just past one and try to forget all about the "caring" guests.

I sleep until seven o'clock, but I have a strange dream.  Strange as in disturbing.  Miki's in it.

She's alive again and we're hanging out at some cafeteria at an indeterminate time in our lives.  It could be last year.  It could be a year from now.  We're having a conversation about something mundane – umbrellas, I think - when two nondescript men come in and ask her to go with them.  She says she will, but that she has one more thing to say to me.  She walks up beside me and bends down to my ear, cupping her hands around it to whisper a secret to me.  Instead of speaking, though, she slides something on the table in front of me.  It's a piece of paper with something written on it in her handwriting.

I did it for you.

That's what the paper reads, but as I read it, I can hear her voice echo the words in my head.  She walks towards the men, and they flank her as they walk out of the cafeteria together.  I want to get up and stop her, but I'm frozen in place.  The only movement I can make is twisting my head from side to side.  I watch helplessly as she walks out the door and disappears into a crowd of people.  She doesn't turn back once.

I wake up instantly to the generic ring tone of my cell phone alarm clock.

I remember every single detail of the dream, and I shiver.  I don't quite know what to make of it.  Maybe it's all my fault.  I know she's told me in that letter of hers not blame myself, but I can't shake the feeling that if I hadn't existed, she wouldn't have been killed like that.  If we'd never been friends in the first place, maybe...

I try to push it out of my mind. 

Stupid thoughts, I think.  Not productive at all.

The dream doesn't mean anything.

What's important is today.  Today is the day of the funeral and cremation.

I get dressed right away and go downstairs, where I finally eat a meal.  It's been a day since I last ate something substantial.  Miki's mom gives me the details of the funeral, and I'm filled with a sense of déjà vu as just the two of us sit at the table in the living room and drink tea.

Miki's dad comes in and sits down.  He doesn't speak a word.  He's barely spoken since I've been in Hokkaido.  He's always been a calm, friendly man, and we've always chatted a little during my visits here.  I understand his pain and his silence, though.  I don't take offence.  I prefer the silence anyway.

The funeral is early.  Nine o'clock.  I go with Aunt Keiko again.  This time I don't hesitate to get into the car.  I don't feel much.  Just emptiness and a dull pain at the back of my head, which is either a headache starting to set in or just general trauma packed in a temporary holding pen.  A dealing technique to get me through the next few difficult hours.

The funeral happens.  I may as well not be there.  I don't pay attention to a thing that is said and done.  I just stare at the casket.  I even catch myself staring at Miki's picture for a while.  The picture is from the last time she visited home, which was just last spring.  You can see green trees behind her.  Her eyes sparkle with sunlight.  She's so happy.  No idea what's to come.

Once the service is over and various family members are in tears, there's a lot of action.  Friends and family say goodbye to each other.  Miki's mom, dad, other family, and I head to the crematorium.  They've insisted I come along.  Miki's siblings have been unable to attend the funeral because they are snowed in in Alaska.  A beautiful vacation that I'm sure has turned into a disastrous nightmare for them.  Unable to attend their own little sister's funeral...

I get a chill when I step into the large, heated building.  Bodies are burned here.  Miki's about to be burned.

We're ushered into a large room.  The casket is there.  We're told we have a few more minutes.  I look at the casket.  I really look at it.  I can almost see through it.  I can see her cold, lifeless body sitting there.  Her eyes glassy, her hair stringy, her skin so dried that nothing could ever fix it.

Suddenly my mind goes haywire.  Something snaps.  The holding pen explodes open, and my feelings rush out like charging animals.  I start to cry.  I put a hand up over my mouth to muffle the sounds I'm making.  Every muscle of mine is tense, ready to run and steal her body back so that it won't be burned to a crisp.  My body screams out to me, begging me to let it have its way.

No! I scream in my mind as I see her casket being slid into the house of fire that will consume her in a hellish blaze.

Don't burn her.  Don't make her disappear any more than she already has. 

Don't make it real


Before I can see the whole casket pushed in, I bolt out of the door and go outside.  I take a deep breath of cold air and let it out as a strangled sob.  I stagger off to the side of the building, not caring if there are people outside watching me.  I sit down on the ground, my back against the cold, hard wall, and I bury my face in my hands.

I sit there alone, crying, shivering, sniffing.  The family comes out hours later.  Aunt Keiko looks relieved to see me safe and sound.  She takes me into her arms and helps me back to her car.  I'm blank by this time, my tears dried up on my cheeks, my makeup run beyond repair.  From the car, I see Miki's father holding an urn, and I know that while I've been outside crying, the family has been picking through her ashes and remaining bones.  I avert my eyes quickly.

The sight has struck something in me.  A large gong rings out as a page ends.  It signals the end of a chapter.  The new reality starts now.

We drive home in absolute silence.  There are no further celebrations.  Nobody wants to eat or drink.

When I get back, I go straight to Miki's room and pack up my bags.  I place a call to a travel agency and book myself the last seat on a flight back to Tokyo that evening.  It's the most last minute plane ride I've ever taken.  I suppose this is the kind of thing Shiba-chan did when she came home from Spain.

I go downstairs and thank the family, telling them I have to leave.  They insist that I rest for one more night, but I tell them I have to attend to some urgent business.

I need to leave the house as soon as possible.  I can't spend another minute in that house with that urn.  I refuse to look at it.  I barely know what it looks like.  It's Miki's new skin, and I hate it.

Aunt Keiko talks me into accepting a drive to the train station from her husband.  I agree to that, so I wait as someone brings my bags out to the car and I say goodbye to the family.

I tell Miki's mom I'll be in touch soon.  There are still things we have to sort out.  I've been given charge of Miki's possessions, and I'm sure some of them will be sent back here.  She hugs me, and it makes me feel even sadder.

I wave goodbye to Aunt Keiko, and I walk out of the house.

I get into the car and am greeted by a surprise.  Uncle Shun isn't there.  In his place is Miki's dad.  I hesitate for a moment, thinking I've made a mistake, but he takes off down the road before I can get out.  I suppose this is the way it will be.

A minute later, he speaks.

"When's your flight?"

"Seven-thirty," I reply.

There's another spell of silence.  I want to say something, but I can't think of anything appropriate.  I've already expressed my condolences.  As we drive on, I feel more and more depressed.

"You remind me of her."

He speaks the words quietly as though they're a fleeting thought that he hasn't meant to voice aloud.

"I... do?" I ask, at a loss.

Nobody can say that Miki and I were all that similar.  We shared a lot of jokes, and of course we liked a lot of the same things; but our personalities and our behaviour, both public and private, were quite different.  A ten-minute conversation with me, followed by a ten-minute conversation with Miki, would reveal two very different people.

"Everything that she liked and cherished in her life reminds me of her.  You were her closest friend," he says in the same tone.

It's sweet that he's telling me this.  Maybe he thinks I never knew that.  Maybe he just wants to be saying something.

"I always wondered, though, if she loved her life and friends in Tokyo more than she loved her family in Hokkaido."

My heart sinks.  It's such a hard thing to think about for any of us who have taken off and moved to a new place far away from home.  We've established whole new and different lives in a new city.  It's a struggle, and I've always wondered what the answer is.  What would I do for her? 

Anything, of course.

But would I choose Miki over my mother?  My father?  My sisters?  Would she do the same and drop her mom and dad to come to me?

I often want to say "yes."  I'd do anything for Miki, and she'd do anything for me.  But if I get into details, I don't know what to think.  If I could only save one - Miki or my mom - what would I do?

Sometimes I make myself choose.  The times that I do choose, I always choose Miki.  Then I feel guilty.  How can I think that about my own mother?  She raised me and let me go and pursue my dream, and she still loves me so much.  Maybe I'm a terrible person to think that Miki is the one I'd save, not my mother.  Soul over flesh and blood.  How horrible.

But I would feel equally bad about the opposite.  I would never, ever have wanted to abandon Miki.  I would never have made the choice to let her die to save someone else.  Or a million someone elses.

So maybe that's my answer.  My cold-hearted but passionate answer.  I'd save Miki.

Would she have done the same for me?

I'll never know, but my gut instinct tells me her answer would have been the same as mine.  She would have chosen me over anyone else.

Of course, that's not something I can tell her father.  She loved him very much.  From climbing trees together to going skating, they had a solid relationship.  I've heard stories about all the things they did together. 

It's just that we were - no, still are - part of each other, so when one of us dies, the other can't live on properly.

That's what's happening now.

"I think she loved all parts of her life," I say out loud.  "She always talked to me about Hokkaido and her family.  So don't worry, Fujimoto-san."

I can see his face relax just a bit.  He doesn't look happy (nobody is happy at this time), but he looks relieved

We don't talk anymore for the rest of the drive.  We pull up in front of the station.  I thank him very much, and I get out to retrieve my bags from the trunk.  I'm about to say my final thank you when he calls my name and urges me to come up to the window.  I go over.

"You, too.  You're all she ever talked about."

He says it not accusingly, but with curiosity.  As if he's trying to figure out Miki's mind.

"Me?"

"You, all you Tokyo people, her life there."

I smile softly for the first time.

"I'm not from Tokyo."

I know that's not his point, and he knows I know.  For the first time, though, he also smiles.  I don't know what we're smiling about.  Maybe it's because in ways, Miki and I were exactly the same.  Two girls from small towns on opposite sides of Tokyo, going into the big city and bonding, looking out for each other, taking care of each other.

"Take care of yourself," he says.

This is goodbye for now.  I thank him again for everything he and his family have done for me, and I walk off to catch my express train to Sapporo.

The whole trip to the airport, I think about Miki's dad and Miki.  I imagine them playing in the snow together, raking leaves together, and laughing together under the summer sun.  I feel warm inside, and I'm happy to finally have that feeling.

A cloud ruins my mood.  It is both literal and metaphorical.  Freezing rain starts to fall outside, but a storm also starts to brew within me.  I imagine snow stained with specks of blood that increase until the snow is dark red.  That's what happens when killers are on the loose.

During my wait at the airport, I mail Shibata.  I tell her I'll be landing at Haneda airport just before midnight and that I'll visit her tomorrow.  She mails me back a rushed message.  She's on her way out, but she has something to talk to me about tomorrow morning.  Early.

I want to know what it is, but she doesn't reply to my next message.  I resign myself to having to wait.

I nod off waiting for my plane, but I wake up in time for the boarding.

I stay awake the entire flight.  We have a bumpy takeoff because of the storm. I stare out the window at the dark sky and the dark clouds.  I can barely see a thing, but nothing can make me take my eyes away from the darkness.  It comforts me.  Calls out to my mind.  Provides fodder for my anger.

I keep repeating everything that's happened during this brief trip up north.  The wake and the funeral.

But I block out any memory and any stray thought of the cremation.  I forget what the urn looks like.  I erase the expressions on Miki's parents' faces after they walked out of the crematorium.  Those are several things I never want to think about ever again.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2007, 01:44:34 PM by OTN1 »

Offline rndmnwierd

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #158 on: April 19, 2007, 03:38:09 PM »
If you kill Shibata next, I'm going to scream and maybe cry. Please let her be able to talk to Aya and not end up like Miki...

Offline JFC

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Re: What Needed to be Done
« Reply #159 on: April 20, 2007, 01:26:12 AM »
Quote
We get home very late that night.  Lots of people are drunk as we leave, and I feel bitterness inside me start to take root.  Do these people even care about her?  Are they here just for food and drink?  For show?

I crawl under the covers just past one and try to forget all about the "caring" guests.
I often wonder that myself when I'm at an Asian wake.


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Don't burn her.  Don't make her disappear any more than she already has.

Don't make it real
God no......


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"I always wondered, though, if she loved her life and friends in Tokyo more than she loved her family in Hokkaido."
Somehow, a lot of parents must think something similar when their kids move away from home. For so long, they're used to their kids always being there, talking with them, and just being a part of their lives. When they move away, and that presence is no longer there, one can't help but feel a little abandoned.


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During my wait at the airport, I mail Shibata.  I tell her I'll be landing at Haneda airport just before midnight and that I'll visit her tomorrow.  She mails me back a rushed message.  She's on her way out, but she has something to talk to me about tomorrow morning.  Early.

I want to know what it is, but she doesn't reply to my next message.  I resign myself to having to wait.
Oh, sounds Shiba-chan's been busy.

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