It's been a long long time. I've been pretty silent here. But here's a story.
About time I dealt with it anyway...
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Graduation"Wahh the time totally just flew by!"
"Aichan sugoi~"
"Morning Musume really is the best..."
"Rescind your graduation then. Don't quit."
The air stilled, heavy with a note of sudden gravity that belied the speaker's tone. It should have been a joke. It should have come out as a joke. But the person who said it had meant it. Really meant it. Irrationally, even now, at the very last minute, hoping against hope that the situation could change.
The tour had just ended. Takahashi Ai's graduation concert had but concluded only minutes ago. The fact of her graduation from Morning Musume was basically a case closed.
Fait accompli. End of an era and all that. Tears were shed, hugs exchanged, flowers given. There was absolutely no question of going back. It has never happened. It will not happen now.
The moment hung for just that, a moment. Aware with the keen sense of professionals that the camera was still running, Ai put on a mockingly serious mask, slinging a conspiratorial arm around the almost invisibly trembling Reina and pulling close.
"Rescind the graduation."
"Un." Reina shot a quick glance at her leader...well, ex-leader. It was a look uncharacteristically vulnerable. Hopeful. It broke Ai's heart.
"There's no way that's possible~" Ai laughed outwardly, her tone lighthearted. Making the whole awkward moment a joke. Her eyes, when they met Reina's, were apologetic.
I'm sorry.Reina, for her part, smoothed over her faux pas so quickly it was like it never existed. Thankfully, Sayu also came to the rescue, skilfully diverting the topic back to the concert that just ended. Safe ground. Reina made a note to do something nice for her fellow Rokkie later.
"But Morning Musume really is the best..." said Ai again, this time with a note of wistfulness.
"This is the Morning Musume Ai-chan built." Reina cut in before chatterbox Sayu could even begin, her entire self earnest and open. She hadn't been this open since...forever. Her quota for this should be maxing out. Soon. Just a little longer. Just for her.
Ai actually faltered for a moment, but she recovered instantly, punching Reina in the arm.
"Nandeyanen!"
Reina laughed. Her turn to cover for Ai. She didn't even mind when Ai started tugging at her cheeks. Well, not too much. She almost felt sorry for Sayu, who was standing forlornly to one side, forgotten. Well, not really. So there.
They move on. There are other cameras. They chat with other members, they go separate ways for a while. Just a while.
Ai comes to her first. It is a familiar pattern. Reina never makes the first move. Ever. Except for that one time at the hotel, but in Reina's defense she was a kid and afraid of ghosts. Not that Ai was any less afraid of ghosts either, but her room was nearby and so...
At least they could be frightened together. Not alone.
That was years ago. Reina is still afraid of ghosts, but she's no longer thirteen. She stands in a corner, drinking from a bottle and scowling at nothing in particular. Or not actually scowling, to be honest. It was just her customary expression that, to the uninitiated, looks terribly unfriendly. It had the useful side effect of diverting unwanted company, so Reina never saw a need to change.
"Alone again?" Ai saunters over, towel still draped around her neck, her hair still mussed and sweaty. Reina spares her a glance.
"So are you. Shouldn't you be with everyone else?"
Ai leans on the wall facing Reina, reaching out for the bottle in Reina's hand. Reina scowls at her, Ai grins, and takes the bottle with no resistance whatsoever from the kitten. The ex-leader takes a long draught, then sets the now empty bottle on a nearby table.
"I'm leaving Morning Musume in your hands, Reina."
That abrupt declaration was so like Ai. Concise, to the point, and completely disconnected with the previous lines of conversation. If it hadn't been so, so
Ai, Reina would have slapped her. As it was, she simply folded her arms, turning away so that only her profile was facing Ai.
"I don't want it. You can have it."
She wasn't angry. She wasn't sad. She sounded...petulant. Stubborn. Like a child in a department store stomping her foot and yelling "NO!" at the top of her lungs, except Reina wasn't five, so throwing a tantrum would be spectacularly inappropriate.
Not that she didn't try though. it wasn't like she didn't know that she couldn't change a thing. But she'd be damned if she just lay down and accepted everything without a fight. Not happening. This was her last stand. Even if the only audience was just Ai. Or perhaps precisely because it was just Ai. She could get away with it. She always did.
Ai was kind like that. Reina loved her for it. It was also the most fucking irritating thing in the world.
"Reina." Again with that saint-like patience. Sure, Ai had her short-tempered moments, but with Reina, her tolerance rivaled that of Mother Teresa. Reina wanted to scream.
She chose instead to dig her nails into her own arm, putting up a cold front. She didn't want to hear anything more. It had been too much to hear of Ai's graduation months ago. It was still too much now, even after the graduation had come and gone. Reina would be damned before she let anyone, least of all that annoying country bumpkin from Fukui, see her break down into a blubbering mess.
Not that she was close. Not at all. The air conditioning was just too dry. Yes. That's why her eyes were itching. That's all. Nothing to see. Move along.
Ai moved closer to her, almost touching distance, but not quite. Even now, giving her space. Reina hated how Ai always knew what she needed. Loved her for it.
Stay. Don't go. Don't leave me.A part of her wanted to grovel and beg and collapse in an emotional heap. Reina gave it a good hard mental kick for the umpteenth time in the past nine months, banishing it to the unseen corners of her mind. No way was she displaying such weakness. It wouldn't affect the outcome anyway, so why bother?
"Reina can do it, because you're strong. Stronger than I am..."
Lies. A pack of lies. Reina bit down on her lip, hard. Her shoulders were tense, almost shaking. She didn't want to listen to this.
"So...please take care of MoMusu. Everyone needs you."
Except you. Reina couldn't help that one, last bitter thought. If she bit down any harder she would bleed.
"I know you guys can...sniff...uuuuu...."
Reina looked up in surprise. Or lack-of-surprise actually, it was more like a reflex. Ai was tearing up again, predictably. The waterworks were in full flow as the emotional ex-leader started sniffling and wiping at the corners of her eyes with her hands. Reina clucked her tongue and whapped Ai upside the head. Gently, of course. Or gently by
her standards, which was still pretty hard for most people.
"
Ite! Wahh...what?" Ai held her head protectively, sounding and looking as boyish as her hairstyle made her out to be.
"You're hopeless." Reina said bluntly, arms folded protectively in front of her. It felt comfortingly familiar to fall back to old patterns. Never mind that this was the last time they could be like this. Reina fought back a wave of nausea at the idea. She was going to be sick.
"If you're going to give a pep talk, you should just...eh?"
Reina found herself enclosed by a comforting warmth. Her body contracted defensively at the uninvited contact, her first instinct being to push away the offender. But Ai was stronger than she looked, and Reina had her arms pinned in any case.
Before she could even process what was going on, just as her mind was only catching up to the fact that Ai had just hugged her, the older woman spoke.
"Reina is always strong, and doesn't like being weak. I know you don't like being told what to do, but don't push yourself too hard, alright?"
Ai's voice was gentle, too gentle. It was filled with worry and concern and love. Reina was surprised to find herself trembling in that embrace.
"...and if Reina doesn't like to cry, I'll cry your share too. I'm the crybaby after all. A little more won't hurt." Tears were falling freely from Ai's eyes as she spoke. She wept unabashed, hiding none of her emotions, nose red, cheeks flushed, taking gasping breaths every other word.
It was too much. She was going to break. Reina's lower lip trembled, and she was surprised when she found Ai's hand on the back of her head, guiding her face into the leader's shoulder, hiding the kitten's face from the world.
That did it. Reina bawled. Quietly. But it was bawling nevertheless. Ai's already soaked concert tee gained extra volume with Reina's tears. They wept together, everything in between unspoken. They had no need for words now. It was all understood.
I'll miss you. I know. I won't call you. I will. Eventually even their tears had an end. Dehydration was becoming a problem anyway. Ai continued stroking the back of Reina's head, for her own comfort or for Reina's, that distinction mattered little.
"Don't you think it's time you grew up a little? Reina's an adult already..." Ai commented idly, tangling her fingers in the kitten's silky hair.
"Don't wanna." Reina muttered, still burrowed into Ai's shoulder.
Ai smiled.
"I'll leave everything to you from now on then." / 「これからよろしくお願いしますね」
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A very belated graduation piece. Before everyone goes "of COURSE it has to be ReinAi", I'll say it. Yes, of course I write ReinAi. I imagine Aichan actually went to each member one by one and spoke with them individually after the concert. just a few more last words and all that. It would be typically her to do so. And I bet she cries at every stop. But I feel emotionally attached to Reina and Ai together, so there we go.
Now excuse me while I go bawl in my blankets all over again...
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