Okay here we go, for CKD!!
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MoMo says:
okay, i just read CKD's..
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
All I see is dialogue xD
MoMo says:
1 - need a lot more detailed!
2 - its robotic in a way, not really feeling the hostility between Maki and Miki
3 - mmm the Miki seems out of her personality, seems a lot more sensitive...Usually, Miki is this badass who doesn't gives a shit about anyone but herself..so a little out of character...
MoMo says:
wow i had a lot of grammar errors in there >_>
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
xDDDD
MoMo says:
maybe I shouldn't eat while I type lmao
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Of course you shouldn't xD
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
But hey, burning off finger calories while eating!
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Through typing
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
xD
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Anywho xD
MoMo says:
lmao at the cost of my grammar
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Yes xDDD
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Don't do that when you write the next chapter of your fic, honey xD
MoMo says:
lmao
MoMo says:
anyway
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
The dialogue is uncreative
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
"Said" and "Asked" is all I see
MoMo says:
yeah, there's no...real setting
MoMo says:
so I can't visualize what's really happening
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
No narrowing of the eyes or glare to show off that hostility o_o
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
None at all D:
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
I see the words, but I need pictures
MoMo says:
and things seem to happen abruptly
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
so he needs to describe everything
MoMo says:
yeah
MoMo says:
description is really important here
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
"Don't interrupt me!" Miki's voice raised to anger as she fixed her patented death-glare upon Maki. "You are not going to hurt Yossie, you understand?"
MoMo says:
grammar check
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
It would have helped if the entire dialogue was like that too
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Not just "words words words."
MoMo says:
yeah
MoMo says:
I also kind of have an issue with the grammar, it ruins the flow
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
It needs to be "words words words," she glared at the other with hatred. or something
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Mmhmm
MoMo says:
"If anybody's hurt her, it's you," Maki said.
MoMo says:
it'd be better and it'd make more sense if it said "If anybody is going to hurt her, it'd be you"
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
And instead of "Maki said," it should really show her hostility
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
So she should be saying that with a low growl or something
MoMo says:
or a glare, some sort of action to show her hostility, yeah i agree
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Mmhmm
MoMo says:
okay, yuuchan what's the final verdict on this?
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
My verdict is basically
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
CKD-kun, you really need to give us a motion picture with this.
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
You gave us a script
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
But there's no picture to accompany it
MoMo says:
yuppers, I totally agree, I just gotta add, Just run through a grammar check before posting a new chapter so that's our advice
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Before you post this, I have another lame pun to make! D<
MoMo says:
more detail, grammar check, create us a motion picture and you should be fine
MoMo says:
>_>
MoMo says:
what lame pun...
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
-Ooki na Ai de Motenashite plays in the background-
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
-does the dance- OH YEAH OH YEAH
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Okay, I'm done xD
MoMo says:
...........-bricks-
MoMo says:
<_<
MoMo says:
god you are so......LAME!
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
( ¯v¯)
MoMo says:
......-bricks- don't be proud of it >_>
Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );; says:
Q( ¯v¯ Q) Bring it.
MoMo says:
>_>...I'm posting...