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Author Topic: Destiny/Fate BEING REWRITTEN  (Read 11697 times)

Offline Joyo-Girl

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Re: Destiny/Fate [Eri-focused, Vampire fic]
« Reply #40 on: March 24, 2009, 07:13:32 PM »
Oh now that I think about it I have two more questions;

What do you think of my writing style?

and, most importantly

Are my chapter long enough?
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Offline JFC

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Re: Destiny/Fate [Eri-focused, Vampire fic]
« Reply #41 on: March 25, 2009, 04:04:02 AM »
It all works fine for me.

JPH!P :heart:'s kuro808, Fushigidane, ChrNo, Jab & marimari. Always.

Offline stefy

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Re: Destiny/Fate [Eri-focused, Vampire fic]
« Reply #42 on: March 25, 2009, 04:52:37 AM »
Do you think my plot is too linear?
Not really. I think it's quite balanced.

Is there a character you would really like to see?

Well there's Eri and Reina and Ai and Sayu so I'm not complaining~ Gaki-san maybe? Just to complete the Gorokkies circle XD

Do you feel sorry for Reina?
yes I do! ... Or maybe I'm just biased...

What do you think of my writing style?

It's good enough. Descriptive yet easy to understand which is why I like the way you write :)

Are my chapter long enough?
It's sufficient enough to keep me reading.

Offline Joyo-Girl

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Re: Destiny/Fate [Eri-focused, Vampire fic]
« Reply #43 on: April 04, 2009, 05:22:25 PM »
Chapter 7

A/N; NEW CHAPTEEEERRRRR!
Sorry about that. I have had some major blocks recently and I honestly thought I'd already posted this... oops. But here's a chapter about our nameless captive!!! and a new character too.

Enjoy please,
JG


-----------------------------------------------

The girl was currently slumped against the leg of the one piece of furniture in the whole room - the bed.

Her eyes were sore from crying and her fists screamed from the torture their collisions with the heavy metal door. She hadn't been trying to escape, she knew that wasn't a possibility, but she was hungry and tired and hadn't heard a single voice since her arrival. Even if it was to yell at her for causing too much noise it would be just enough of a break from the bleak sensory deprivation she was being subjected to.

No-one came and that must have been part of their plan.

The bed dug uncomfortably into her spine and she shivered through her thin bloodstained uniform. They hadn't even given her a change of clothes and she felt filthy as she had spent maybe days covered in someone else's blood.

It wasn't her own, they hadn't wanted to harm her.

There weren't any windows in the room, her only source of light was the single bulb hanging from the ceiling and the artsy lamp standing in the corner. The only clue she had to the passage of time was the fact that the light was periodically turned on and off, but she couldn't be sure whether this was indicative of day or night or just the Nos trying to mess with her. The girl was exhausted anyway and she didn't need mind games.

She spent most of her time on the floor like this but just as she was pondering the possibility of permanent scarring from the bed frame she heard the distinct click of heels outside the door. She looked up as it slid open and a woman stood behind it in a coat as white as the room. The woman was almost camouflaged against the walls.

'Almost a floating head' Thought the girl with miserable humour.

"Good afternoon imouto-chan," The girl cocked an eyebrow at the bizarre address but knew better than to challenge it. "How are you?"

When she didn't reply the woman's nearly amiable expression fell a little.

"No need to be so standoffish. I'm here to give you some company, " she looked the girl up and down. "and some new clothes while I'm at it."

Before the girl knew what was going on she felt all her zips and buttons start to undo themselves. Her laces de-knotted and her shoes and socks slid off her feet while her blazer and shirt miraculously peeled away from her arms. All the clothes piled themselves up at the Nos woman's feet. She kicked them distastefully.

"Reminds me of my school uniform." she muttered before producing a new set of clothes, seemlingly from nowhere.

"You might want to put these on," said the woman placing the garments at the girl's feet. "we don't supply central heating in the guest accomodation." She spoke without a hint of irony, almost as if she believed that the tiny white cell was a five star room.

The girl didn't move and the clothes sat on her toes, untouched. She was well aware of her undressed state but she didn't have the energy to try to cover herself.

The woman sighed. "Since you've decided to be uncooperative..."

The clothes moved by themselves again and in next to no time the girl realised she was fully dressed. She felt a sweeping sense of cleanliness and while her gratitude was great she made no move to express it.

"Well then imouto-chan, don't you want to know my name?" the woman asked lightly as she crouched. The girl shook her head. "My name is Rika, you can call me Rika-chan if you want to."

No reply. Rika sat next to the girl and laid her arm around her shoulders.

"You can talk to me," she said. "I'm here to be your friend."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Abe Natsumi hadn't said anything for three days. Ai said that it was most likely shock, what at Eri did not wish to find out. Ai was acting surly and worried and quite obviously wasn't getting much sleep. Her bed was pristinely made every time Eri ventured towards her fearless leader's bedroom. Not to mention the lack of colour in Ai's face, it was a sure sign that something was horribly wrong...

Aika had remained quite placid for the last days and while it was a welcomed change it left the house feeling more than a little empty. Sayumi wasn't being very good company either and that led Eri into the conclusion that she knew more about Abe-san than she'd revealed thus far.

Eri was slowly losing the will to live again. She didn't like this much drama, but then again she had been aware that she was getting into something much bigger than herself from the beginning. But curiosity was killing the cat... or the turtle, whichever was more appropriate...

She was going to find out what was going on.
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Offline Hotaru

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Re: Destiny/Fate [Eri-focused, Vampire fic]
« Reply #44 on: April 04, 2009, 08:53:38 PM »
I love your story! (Huge vampire fan.  :wub:)

Very interesting I must say.

Keep going! :D

Offline JFC

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Re: Destiny/Fate [Eri-focused, Vampire fic] Chapter Seven
« Reply #45 on: April 06, 2009, 08:31:46 PM »
Why do I get the feeling Eri's going to end up knowing the mystery girl being held by the Nos? :?

JPH!P :heart:'s kuro808, Fushigidane, ChrNo, Jab & marimari. Always.

Offline Joyo-Girl

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Re: Destiny/Fate [Eri-focused, Vampire fic] Chapter Seven
« Reply #46 on: April 19, 2009, 11:29:30 PM »
A/N; Didn't take me as long this time :D
I'm amazed, I've actually just about figured out the whole plot!

Douzo
JG


Chapter Eight

Eri shook her head in disbelief at what she was seeing.

She'd been standing at her window for an hour or so enjoying the peace of the midnight air... well, it was more two a.m. air but  what was the difference really? It was nice to have some time were it was just a simple case of living and Eri had found herself doing this often over the past few days.

The days were getting awkward now that Natsumi was healthy enough to do most everything for herself, but she would only talk directly to Ai and occassionally Sayumi. But Eri had heard her speak and wished she hadn't - Abe Natsumi was in extreme pain and Eri still didn't know why.

Espionage didn't suit her, not to mention the fact that she was living with a Night Vampire. Every attempt she'd made to implement her supposedly covert plans had been foiled one way or another and Eri was starting to get restless being in the middle of something which was obviously getting more and more dangerous as the days went by.

So she had found a little comfort in sitting at her window at night. This was the latest she'd stayed up since... she'd moved into the house but a splitting headache was preventing her from laying her head down.

But when Eri saw a figure in the darkness begin to approach the house all thoughts of pain suddenly disappeared. She picked her jacket up from the floor and shrugged it on all set to jump out of the window and confront the intruder but her preparation was spoiled by the sight of Ai exiting the house.

"Tanaka!" She half-yelled and Eri stopped dead at the window frame.

Surely enough the dark figure moved closer and Eri could see the Nos vampire's pigtails. Eri needed to get closer if she was going to eavesdrop properly.

"Konbanwa Ai-chan," The wonky-eyed vampire said in a chipper tone just seconds after Eri landed behind the garden wall. She peeked over the top of the bricks with curious eyes and prayed that she wouldn't be discovered by the two telepaths. "How are you tonight? I hear your meetings with Gaki-san have been going well."

"Stop sending her, Tanaka," Ai bit out. "it's you I want to talk to!"

"I'm here now aren't I?" Reina replied sassily.

"If you're trying to piss me off-"

"Is it working?"

The air was thick for a moment and as far as Eri could tell from Ai's posture, Reina was right... it was working. Ai's fists clenched but Reina seemed completely unfazed by the death glare she was receiving, in fact, she wasn't even acknowledging it. Eri shimmied along the length of the wall slightly to avoid having to stand on her tiptoes and ducked behind a bush when she ran out of wall.

"What have you done with her?"

"I haven't done anything. I don't know why you'd suspect me."

"You lead the raids Reina and after what happened with Eri's mom, I don't know why I wouldn't."

Reina stamped her foot hard, her expression turning sour. "I didn't mean for Kamei-san to get hurt. I didn't even know she was there!"

"Remorse doesn't suit you Reina, we both know she was collateral damage for you, don't pretend that you hate your job. The only thing you regret is pushing Eri further away from the Nos!" Eri shivered at Ai's tone and the rememberance of that night.

"I didn't plan to kill-"

"It doesn't matter what you intended anymore. Now that she's gone I've taken responsibility for Eri, you can't get to her. I won' t let you."

'I must be tired,' thought Eri. 'there's no way Reina looked disappointed at that.'

"But this is all beside the point," Ai took three steps towards Reina and snatched her collar with one hand. "what have you done with her?"

"I haven't done anything! I didn't raid Nacchi's -"

Something in Ai visibly snapped as she grabbed Reina's shoulder with her other hand and squeezed tightly. "You don't have the right to call her that anymore Reina. Now tell me, who lead the raid?"

"It wasn't a raid!" Reina yelled with a squeak of pain. "I had nothing to do with it, and even if I did, I doubt they would clue me in on a hostage situation. I don't have that clearance."

Eri let a small gasp escape her lips. "Hostage?"

Ai stood there for a little longer, with both her hands looking as if they were about to lunge for the other girls' throat. After closing her eyes and taking a step back she let go. "I'll believe you for now, but next time I ask to see you, don't send Risa or I'll come looking for you myself."

Reina didn't look overly impressed by the threat but she didn't say anything in response, instead she decided to make a run for it. When she was out of sight Eri turned her attention back to Ai only to be given the shock of her life.

"You can come out now Eri." Said Ai staring directly at her. Eri let out a sheepish laugh and stepped out from behind the bush fearing the wrath about to be unleashed.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have -"

Ai shook her head and dropped to sit on the slightly damp grass. Eri stood awkwardly before she decided to sit down as well, positioning herself next to Ai.

"I should be the one apologising, Eri." Ai began tiredly. "You shouldn't have needed to spy, I should have told you what was going on from the beginning. I suppose I was just a little wrapped up with... everything."

"What exactly is going on Ai? I still don't understand."

"Nacchi... she's a really important woman. I've known her for years, she's like an older sister to me and I'd do just about anything right now if it would help her." Ai sighed loudly. "Nacchi is my... our leader. She was part of the team that started the Others and has been a driving force ever since..."

Ai didn't speak for several minutes and Eri was having an internal battle as to whether she should prompt the other girl into speaking again. In the end she didn't need to

"She has a daughter."

"What!?"
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Offline JFC

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Re: Destiny/Fate [Eri-focused, Vampire fic] Chapter Seven
« Reply #47 on: April 20, 2009, 12:31:09 AM »
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!??!?!??
:mon wtf: :mon wtf: :mon wtf:

JPH!P :heart:'s kuro808, Fushigidane, ChrNo, Jab & marimari. Always.

Offline writerjunkie

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Re: Destiny/Fate [Eri-focused, Vampire fic] Chapter Seven
« Reply #48 on: April 20, 2009, 12:51:09 AM »
ohhh! Things are getting interesting. :D Keep it up I like it so far. Stories like this always interested me and since Eri's center of attention I like it even more.  :)

Offline Joyo-Girl

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Re: Destiny/Fate [Eri-focused, Vampire fic] ON HIATUS
« Reply #49 on: August 06, 2009, 05:00:19 PM »
It's been months since I updated this fic. I'm sorry for that, but I've been distracted by a hundred different things that eventually ruined my will to write this story.

Reading it back after a few months of hiatus helped me realise that I had something here and would like to pick it back up - but currently it's jumbled and I'm not looking forward to the headache that would be reacquainting myself with my train of thought when I was writing it the first go round...

What I'm really saying is -- This fic is being re-written to what will hopefully be a better standard.
So, look out for it. It'll be under a different title and the chapters should be longer and less headache inducing.

I'm also keen on having some reader input, so if there's anything/one you'd really like to see in the new edition feel free to tell me.


Officially restarted as The Red Heart
« Last Edit: August 13, 2009, 12:51:04 PM by Joyo-Girl »
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Offline Michi.Pinku

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Re: Destiny/Fate BEING REWRITTEN
« Reply #50 on: August 07, 2009, 05:45:39 AM »
Oh ... I was reading your fic a few months ago and I LIKED IT SO MUCH.
The vampires are very creative and cool , is a good story and I want to read more chapter .
Keep Going :D
I really want to see the new editorial ! *-*

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