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Author Topic: Broken [JuriMayu sister's relationship][OS]  (Read 13455 times)

Offline Shinoki

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Re: The angel's smile[Mayuki][OS]
« Reply #40 on: November 11, 2013, 02:29:36 AM »
"..." silence for five seconds
breaks out into tears...
I need to learn some new words, but this was:
wonderful...
That twist... gah!! Overwhelmed by awesomeness....
Mayuyu!!! Yukirin!!

Offline FairyNyan

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Re: The angel's smile[Mayuki][OS]
« Reply #41 on: November 11, 2013, 03:10:41 AM »
My Mayuki feels  :fainted:

this is sad/happy ending (?) . idc i love the ending  :lol:
  :peace: Oshimen : Mayuyu Yukirin :peace:
 :heart: Kami OTP : MaYuki Ofc  :heart:
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Freaking back to da earth




Offline Konoe

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Re: The angel's smile[Mayuki][OS]
« Reply #42 on: November 11, 2013, 03:13:57 AM »
It's so sad but beautiful  :farofflook:

Offline ZorxCemoon

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Re: The angel's smile[Mayuki][OS]
« Reply #43 on: November 11, 2013, 03:54:01 AM »
Hahahahahaha, I'm smiling widely like a retard in class, but heck care hahahahaha.

That was an awesome story, got my hairs standing, seems weird though.

This's the first few stories that I literally couldn't predict the outcome, I seriously thought it was Sae, and I was like Mayu! Kiss her already, don't waste time!

Thanks for tending my wound, a.k.a sickness, currently still sick, so I'm reading all the Mayuki stories:P

Llyloo: May I take your order?

Zorx: Could I have 2 more Mayuki stories please.

Llyloo: That would be 5 dollars please.

Zorx: Ermm..... do you have changes for a thousand dollars?

Sorry for using you hahahaha, Muacks  :heart:
Once upon a time, There lived two beautiful girls.
One named Watanabe Mayu.
Another named Kashiwagi Yuki.
They fell in love with each other and married.
The end.

Yukirin :heart: Mayuyu
Mayuyu :heart: Yukirin

Offline imteedee

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Re: The angel's smile[Mayuki][OS]
« Reply #44 on: November 11, 2013, 07:23:10 AM »
WE NEED TO TALK. :catglare:
my hat is off. saluting.

Offline Terragen

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Re: The angel's smile[Mayuki][OS]
« Reply #45 on: November 11, 2013, 08:39:13 AM »


Lovers, keep on the road you're on
Runners, until the race is run
Soldiers, you've got to soldier on
Sometimes even right is wrong
[/color]

Offline soraheartAKB48

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Re: The angel's smile[Mayuki][OS]
« Reply #46 on: November 11, 2013, 10:15:36 AM »
It's sooooooooooo good :twothumbs but its kinda sad

Offline Llyloo

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Re: The angel's smile[Mayuki][OS]
« Reply #47 on: November 12, 2013, 06:06:51 PM »
@Shinoki : Wow. Thaks you so much for your comment *-* I'm glad that you liked it.

@FairyNyan : Like what, even if I kill character I can do a happy ending o/

@Konoe : Ah ah. There is beauty in sadness. -random comment-

@ZorxCemoon : WOW. I'm so happy, when I wrote it I really wanted to surprise the reader with the end and the identity of POV and Yuki's girlfriend *-* . Take care of you ><. I'll try to write more, if I have time and ideas @_@.

@CuTiie : Now that we talked, you can do a proper comment 8D. 

@soraheartAKB48 : Thanks you for your comment *-*

Offline Archer1992

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Re: The angel's smile[Mayuki][OS]
« Reply #48 on: November 17, 2013, 05:39:38 PM »
omg! that os about Takamina makes me cry

she is alone....but i know that she is very strong....

thanks!!

by the way i love my Kami Oshi Takahashi Minami ^_^

Offline noah minami

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Re: The Heart [OS] [Atsumina/Atsuyuu]
« Reply #49 on: July 18, 2014, 07:11:49 PM »
Very heart-felt story.... Ah such a sad ending but at least comforting...

Yeah... Atsuko at least can say her good bye to Minami...

Yuko rejecting Minami's heart subconciously so Atsuko able to forget about Minami and moving on with her life...

Very good fic there... Thank you for the OS.

Can't wait to see your other creation

 :twothumbs :twothumbs :twothumbs :twothumbs



It was sad.  Minami and yuko.  But interesting. . Nice job author san. I will read your fic more later. XD
Btw noah desu ^ ^

Offline Llyloo

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Broken [JuriMayu sister's relationship][OS]
« Reply #50 on: January 06, 2016, 01:20:21 AM »
Oh. Already one year. Huhu. I'm not a good writer sorry.

To be honest that OS is a gift for my dear LoyalFlutist (is that your pseudo here ? XD Not sure) with like, some month late for her birthday. I wanted to wait to make a good OS, I hope it is.

I'm sorry for all the mistakes and I guess some grammar nazi will lose their mind (huhu).

Soo i'll let your read. Happy birthday so late my Queen of Angst o/

Broken


Do you know that your life can be changed with just one minute ? What you thought was true. What you thought was strong. What you thought was easy. What you thought was your. For me. For my family. It didn't make one minute. Three months. The longest of my life. The scariest. During three fucking month my sister disappeared of our life. Just like that. Like every morning we go to school together. Like every day we took our lunch together. Like every evening I left before her, going to the basketball club while she finished her work at the student council. Like every night we will find each other in the living room. Not that night. She didn't come back.

And for three month I didn't saw my sister. I didn't go to school with her. I didn't have my lunch with her. I didn't had the opportunity to tell her good night. She was just gone.

Until that day. The police station called me. Yes. Me. My father slowly give up on us day after day since years. And our mothers. Yes, my sister and myself doesn't have the same mother. They just left leaving us at our father when they understand that he just played with them. I kinda understand them. And don't really care. Haha. I left everything. Lessons. Friends. All. Nothing was more important than her. I found her. She was so pale. So skinny. So tired. Unrecognizable. But it was her. I took her in my arm. She said nothing. Me neither. I just needed her in my arm. Alive. I never gave up. I always had the hope to see her again. Because I would have feel it if something happened to her.

She never told me what happened during theses three months. I don't want to ask. I don't want her to remind. Or I just don't want to know. After her come back she spoke often with police agent. She told name. Some men that we all know in the neighborhood. Not good guys but nobody would have  imagined that they could went that far. We let the police do their work. Mine was to take care of her.

It seem that both of us failed. At first I thought that my sister was fine. Fine is a big word since the situation. She was quieter. She didn't eat well. Didn't sleep better. But. It became worse. Her state decreased quickly. Nightmare. Every night. Sometime multiple time by night. I don't count anymore how many time I ran in her room to find her crying, screaming, sweaty. Frightened. Looking at me as a stranger.

I finally reach my house. Everything was so calm. My dad wasn't here, surely in some pub.

“Tadaima”

I said loudly. I didn't expected an answer. I didn't expected neither that noise upstairs. A loud noise. And some other. Like object falling on the ground. I run on the stair. I knew where I had to go. I opened the door of her room. I met a knife.  Trembling. Like the one who was holding it.

“It's me Mayu. It's Jurina.”

She was looking at me like you look at a stranger coming in your house during night. With fear. I felt sad. Because she don't recognize me when she's in that state. Because she's almost always in that state. Paranoiac. Afraid of everyone. Of everything. Always locked on her memories that only her know.

“When we were in middle school you used to do my homework while I was sleeping because you were afraid that I get scolded.”

Slowly her eyes became less crazy. More teary. She slowly get down her hand. I heard the knife touch the ground. I take her in my arms. She was shaking. I failed to take care of her. I failed where  I was the only one who could success. Everyday people scary her more and more. Everyday she think that more and more people are her enemies.

It's the excuses that police agent use to explain their own fail. The guys was never arrested. Why ? They explain it with few words.

“Sorry. But you have to understand that, with your sister's actual state, no judge will accept her testimony as receivable. Even us are bad guys for her now.”


Mayu.

I don't want to left my bed. I don't want to go out my blanket. I don't want to know what is outside. There nothing good outside. I just want to be here forever. I want everyone to forget about me. About my existence. I'm not the bad guys so why I should be the one hiding ? The one to be afraid ? I don't understand. I can't understand. I know they want to hurt me. They always want to hurt me. Everyone want. It's in human nature. We all end by hurt each other. Jurina can tell me what she want. I know it. I know it. I saw it. I felt it. I. I. I don't want. I'm afraid. I don't want to go out. I just want to be alone. Please let me alone. Please forget me. Please I'm not here. I'm nothing. Let me be nothing.  I don't want to sleep. I'm afraid to sleep. I'm afraid of theses images when I sleep. I'm afraid to never wake up. Or worse. It's hurt. My head. My whole body. My head. What time is it. I don't remember. Where is Jurina. Why isn't she here. It's been hour since she left. Usually she always come back early. Not today. Why. Why. Should I left my bed ? But. There are noise. And all. I don't know. But. Where she is. I have to find her. It's already night outside. And. If. If something. Happened. To her. What will I do ? I don't know. No. No. It's not possible. She in the kitchen. Or in the living room.
I left my room. My heart is racing. All the noise. Everything. Are they here ? Waiting for me ? They can right ? They can be everywhere. I light up all my way. The corridor. The stairs. The kitchen. The living room. I can't take the darkness anymore. I can't. I don't want to imagine what could be in the darkness. I can't. She not here. Nobody is here. Only a note. Printed from a computer.

“Everything will end where everything stated.”

My heart lost a beat. Wait. What does it mean ? Where is Jurina. What is that ? Everything ? No. No. Don't touch my sister. Don't touch her. I don't want. What can I do. I'm weak. I can't. I have to do it. I can't. I can't let her alone. I can't. I'm to afraid. I can't. Go out. I can't. Save her. I can't. What to do. I can't. I took the knife. Hiding it under my coat. I took a big breath. I just hope it will not be last. They are outside. I know it. I don't want to go. I don't want to meet them. They want to hurt me. I know. They all want. Jurina. I can't. I have to. I open the door. I ran. I know where everything started. I don't want to go. I can't. I know they watching me. They want to hurt me. They're watching me. Maybe because I'm on pajama. Maybe because they want to hurt me. Maybe because I'm running. Maybe because they want to hurt me. My head hurt. Jurina. One street. Stop looking at me. I hug the knife stronger. I almost feel It cutting my skin. I don't care. I can hurt them. I'll hurt them if they try to hurt me. I can't. I'm running. Two street. Less and less people. Why ? Are they hiding ? Do they want to trap me ? Or maybe because I just left the main street. I can't. I want to hide. I want to make them disappear. I want to hide. Three street. Jurina.

Jurina.

Blood. Blood. I know. It was a trap. Blood everywhere. They're all here. They're waiting for me. Blood. I can't. I can't. Blood. They'll hurt me. All of them. They're here. They don't move. None of them move. Jurina. Blood. Blood on Jurina. Everywhere on her body. On her face. On her arms. On her clothe. On the bat she's tightening on her hand. On all the corpse around her. Blood. Everywhere. It's a trap. They're all dead. I'll die too. She will kill me. She will hurt me. I'm afraid. I'm scary. She's looking at me. She's smiling.
   

“Everything is ok now. Nobody can hurt you i'll always be protecting you”


I'm screaming. That loud that I felt my throat broke. She killed them. Jurina. She killed them. She killed. She's killing. She will kill me too. She like the others. She want to hurt. She will hurt me. I'm running. I'm screaming. I'm losing my mind. Wait. I already lost it.


Jurina.

Hey guys. It's been a while. What's up ? Nothing more for me. I'm in jail. Not surprised ? I guess so. I kinda did something bad. That what they said. I did something bad. I hurted her. But it's not why i'm jail. I killed people they said. They were not people for me. They were garbage.
I'm locked on a prison cell. She's locked too. In a psychiatric hospital room. Both of us don't have windows. Bot of us don't have visite. One because she's afraid of other. The other because other are afraid of her. One has white padded walls to protect her. The other reinforced wall to protect others.
Something I wonder if I could see her again one day. I know that it's impossible. I'm probably the one she afraid the most.
At my trial they told me.

“You destroyed your sister”.

They're wrong. She already was a broken doll. What I discovered it's that I was one too.





Offline LoyalFlutist

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Re: The angel's smile[Mayuki][OS]
« Reply #51 on: January 06, 2016, 03:16:09 AM »
I rarely comment these days because, let me be honest, time and my pickiness in what to read led to this result. However, I want to take the time out of my day to write to you, Llyloo, as both your imouto and a reader.

First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to write this for me. You could've wished me well and ended it there. Yet you did something beyond my expectations. Even though I enjoy most of your work, this one truly shined the lights that makes me wish, personally, all fan fiction consisted of elements you have in your disposal. I do not care if it's a late gift. To spend time and energy into a written piece is more than enough to put a smile to my face. For you to make this one shot with the most sensitive and barely-touched subjects, you just made me grateful for calling you my onee-sama.

Enough of my chit-chat, let's get on with my review. I would like to try something new with my comment for the sake of effectively delivering my opinions. It will consist of spoilers to the OS, so other readers, if you want to go in blind, scroll back up!



Story

The story is short and simple. Nothing overly complex that would make anybody's head ache. Yet you were able to deliver the twists that broke through the stereotypical scenarios that would've normally occurred in these situations. In the beginning, you introduced the problem straight away to me. As I was once taught by reading an article on how to generate a reader's attention to a story, the conflict of the story must arrive as quickly as possible to the written piece. The farther away it is, the less likely readers are to hang around it. (It's a proven case! Who wants to wait about five chapters for the first issue to be hinted, let alone show up?!)

The rest of the story plays out exactly how Jurina tries to interact with Mayu after her return. It's a real shame that Mayu is unable to return back to her normal routine. Ever since the incident, it's not surprising her personality did a backflip. The paranoia to literally everything is shown so well. In the beginning, when the knife was first mentioned from Mayu, I was confused to why she held onto it. 'Was it because she wanted to kill herself?' was my first thought. As I read onward, I realized she carried that around for the sake of protecting herself when her paranoiac state hit their highest peak. It's explicitly explained when she was going to, supposedly, save Jurina from the same hands of the guys in the neighborhood.

Ha. Little did she know her mind broke at that instant. That was the pinnacle turning point of the story. The way she reacted, the way Jurina justified her reasoning, it was all so perfect.

Quote
At my trial they told me.

“You destroyed your sister”.

They're wrong. She already was a broken doll. What I discovered it's that I was one too.

This was the most powerful part of the story, and it was an epic conclusion. Hands down, it really brings the title of the OS, "Broken", into perspective. You would think Jurina did the right thing by ending the lives of the men. She brought justice to her sister since the police was unable to. I'm sure Mayu would react positively that the cause of her fear is now erased for good! (It honestly reminds me of the Death Parade's episode 81 and 92.) Nope! You, my fellow writer, decided to take it up a notch and destroy her sanity.

Overall, I thought of the story to have either two endings as I read:

1) Mayu commits suicide
2) Mayu recovers

I had not expected the two of them to be broken to their fullest. Mayu now landing herself in a psychiatric ward as Jurina landed herself in jail with possibly lifetime imprisonment... Incredible. Truly, this is incredible. A unique piece I have yet to read on the forum (or find for some reason...)!

Characters

Since this is a one shot, it would be unfair for me to complain about the lack of development in the characters. Yet, for some reason, you were able to pull this off with a limited number of words. In my belief, many writers like me would need at least 10k words in order to flesh out one character, let alone barely do two!

The reaction is smooth and the minimal interactions between the siblings is powerful. The internal dialogues clearly conveyed the emotional state they went through. Jurina's sorrow as she watched her sister turning more and more into a broken doll (metaphorically) and Mayu's insanity due to paranoia of literally everything around her is presented well. Characters are easy to write, but they are difficult to bring to life with mere words. You did a good job on this part of the story. It felt very humane to me!

Themes

The themes are dark. As expected from my older sister as the Origin of Angst. (Don't you object! I will shake my head in disapproval if you do!) Personally, I was able to pull these themes and topics:

1) Psychological Breakdown of an Individual
2) Paranoia
3) How far are you willing to protect someone you love?
4) Is the main source of their pain actually from a different source?

The psychological breakdown of Mayu is heartbreaking. In reality, based on National Alliance of Mental Illnesses statistics on Americans, 1 in 5 people experience a mental disorder and 1 in 25 Americans live with a serious mental disorder.3 It's a serious case that requires everyone's undivided attention. Yes, I am somewhat preaching, but hear me out. Mayu's paranoia, which connects to my first point, is not uncommon either. What this poor character is going through is PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). We may not exactly know what had happened to her with the guys, but we can tell that it went ugly real fast. Her paranoia is so severe, she became a broken doll (almost literally). I doubt she will ever be able to function normally in society for a long time, even with treatment from both a therapist and psychiatrist. Here is proof:

Quote
Slowly her eyes became less crazy. More teary. She slowly get down her hand. I heard the knife touch the ground. I take her in my arms. She was shaking. I failed to take care of her. I failed where  I was the only one who could success. Everyday people scary her more and more. Everyday she think that more and more people are her enemies.

Since this isn't a shipping, I actually am glad you took the relationship between Mayu and Jurina to this direction. I have a soft spot for stories revolving around families, so the third point hits closer to home. "How Far Are You Prepared To Go?", a fictional series I am undergoing a remake with behind the scenes, instantly popped to my head as I've understood Jurina's reasons to her murderous action. The pain that had been inflicted onto Mayu will never make the sister that she knew and loved. How far is she willing to go to protect someone she loved? And her answer is... to erase the very source of the pain. Of course, that brings me to my fourth and final point...

Is the main source of Mayu's pain actually from a different source? All along, we knew that the guys that did terrible... terrible... terrible deeds to her in the span of three months was the primary source. However, the pain she's relieving is... different. It wasn't the guilty men... It was actually Mayu herself, in my personal opinion. Her paranoia is hurting herself and everyone around her. She's self-destructing and Jurina desperately tries to save her from falling into despair. It only ends in vain as the two fails at their ends. Jurina's pain is self-explanatory in her actions and mental thoughts since she's from the side. Mayu is the one that represents how personal struggles can worsen the situation. She's digging her own grave, and already has one foot inside her casket at this point.

A couple of these were explored in the forum. I've read past work that involved these themes, but you seamlessly put them together into one short OS. How did you do this? Please tell me your secret, you angsty sister!

Language

You did well with this. Though there are sentence structures and grammatical hiccups scattered here and there that made me reread twice to understand the message, your usage of literary skills really gave it an 'umpf' to this story. The beginning of the OS here:

Quote
Do you know that your life can be changed with just one minute ? What you thought was true. What you thought was strong. What you thought was easy. What you thought was your. For me. For my family. It didn't make one minute. Three months. The longest of my life. The scariest. During three fucking month my sister disappeared of our life.

A typical rhetorical question placed as the first sentence to start off the work. Although it could be used unfavorably and it can be considered mundane, simple questions like these can be used to introduce the problem or type of topic(s) the story is dishing out. Followed by the repetition of 'What' as a starting word for the following couple sentences, this emphasizes the written statement. This technique is repeated a couple times throughout the story, which did manage to bring my attention to them.

I could easily tell it is your style to write the characters' internal thought bubbles without italics like most readers. It's an interesting technique wielded by you and a few others! What makes me impressed is the lack of dialogues in this OS. The bold lettering may be your fashion to differentiate the dialogue lines from the description and mental train of thoughts, but I personally see it as a, well, rather bold way to show the importance of the spoken words.

Then there is the familiar style of short, descriptive remarks that burst. When I mean burst, I mean words under the count of five per sentences. It's a common feature in your work. It could swing at either direction for the readers. Some might like it, some might hate it, but overall, I like it! The precise words such as:

Quote
I don't want to left my bed. I don't want to go out my blanket. I don't want to know what is outside. There nothing good outside. I just want to be here forever. I want everyone to forget about me. About my existence. I'm not the bad guys so why I should be the one hiding ? The one to be afraid ? I don't understand. I can't understand.

It fits Mayu's mental state so well. I cannot say for sure how everyone feels. (It is literally impossible to do that. Psychologists can bite that fact if they think otherwise.) However, I can say, based on my personal experience on how fear works (commence the time I almost killed myself a couple times as an effective example from a couple years ago4), this is how narrow-minded and short I think in horrific moments. Jurina's state of how she had finally ended the culprits' lives really showcased how screwed up Mayu and Jurina see each other and how they warrant their actions of either running away or outright murdering.

The perspectives switching between Jurina and Mayu could be done a bit better, in my opinion. The transitioning just seems abrupt and so sudden, it takes me a couple seconds to adjust my train of thoughts on what was going on. Perhaps you should make the font on whose perspectives we are taking on in a way that would make it easy for me to grasp who it is we are dealing with. I won't lie: I was sometimes wondering if it was Mayu or Jurina driving the train of thoughts.

Personal Opinion

I have been waiting patiently for you to give me this piece. I told you how I felt on the very day I received the file in the Messenger app and I will repeat myself again. (I don't care if you think of it as annoying.) This is a well-done piece. I am not being bias here. I truly think this piece is worthy of praises from everyone that gives this OS a read. This piece is an example of what made me love your work so much. It's dark, it's thrilling, and most importantly, you deliver a stunning plot with twists that breaks away from the stereotypical scenario.

When I first read this, I was half-asleep from studying a Data Analysis for Life Science course. and Fallout 4 and neglecting my duty as a writer due to the holidays, but that's a different story. I will not lie: I thought this was going to be a typical story. However, I read on... and was proven wrong. So very wrong. Again, my expectations on your work was not just met, but smacked a couple feet from where I anticipated it to land. I've constantly searched on the forum for the pieces that would garner enough energy to pull my attention (and ability to kill more than ten minutes to write a comment) from my previously-announced hiatus. You reminded me the reason why fan fiction shouldn't be looked down by anyone. (Okay, there are pieces where our dignity is nonexistent.)

It was an enjoyable read! Please continue to treat me well, my dear older sister. xoxo

- LoyalFlutist
Peace :peace:



Citations

1 Death Parade's Episode 8, http://death-parade.wikia.com/wiki/Episode_8
2 Death Parade's Episode 9, http://death-parade.wikia.com/wiki/Episode_9
3 NAMI, https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-By-the-Numbers
4 animefans12's Blog, http://rustyotakugamer.blogspot.com/2015/08/the-influence-of-angst-on-my-life.html

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