Chapter 7
The days seem to dwindle slowly by as I wonder how I’m supposed to make up with Maki. I really need to do something soon. One - because I really, really miss her and two - because a few people are beginning to take notice of my strange behaviour.
One of those few people is Eri. She called me last night, her voice trembling with concern for me. I know why. It’s because… because she likes me in a certain way. She only shows that side to me when we’re alone, while in public she masks it quite well. I cringe at the thought, not because I think that it’s gross or anything, but because I can’t return those feelings to her, I can only leave her hanging. I don’t like hurting her like that.
I wonder if I hadn’t fallen for Maki, if Maki didn’t exist in my eyes or heart, then would I have returned Eri’s feelings? Even when I get angry at Eri, or shout at her, or call her names, or ignore her… she refuses to leave my side. It doesn’t matter how cruel I am to her, she’s always there for me. If only she didn’t like me like that, then I wouldn’t feel so guilty all the time.
I heave a big sigh. Analysing people’s relationships seems to be my only pastime recently. Analysing causes headaches… which is exactly what I have right now. Again.
I repeat my last few moments with Maki in the theatre of my mind for the thousandth time and ask myself the same questions again. Why didn’t she say anything? Did she just think that it wasn’t worth replying to? When she stayed quiet, it scared me even more. How can I fix this when I don’t even understand what’s going on in her mind? Why does she have to make such a big deal out of all this? I know that somehow I have to resolve this with Maki, but without understanding her point of view… there’s not much I can really do.
I force myself to get out of bed after lying there since the early hours of the morning. My mind is awake and alert, however my eyes and body are desperately suffering from a lack of sleep. If I keep up these sleeping patterns, I’m sure I’ll start to get bouts of sleep paralysis again.
Ugh. I sluggishly go through my morning routine before heading off to work with a seemingly ongoing headache. Today feels like its going to be a long day.
*****
I chat with Ai-chan and Gaki-san outside of Tsunku’s office. We had been called to be given a briefing on the upcoming concert tour, and are waiting for Tsunku to arrive. Minutes later he emerges someway down the hall and ushers us into his office.
“You all know that your tour is coming up. Now, I’ve made a draft of the setlist so that you can all start thinking about your performances,” Tsunku quickly told us as he hands us photocopies of the setlist.
I lazily scan through some of the songs we would be performing.
Morning Musume: The MANPOWER!!...
Morning Musume: Sexy Boy…
The opening songs seemed typical enough. I jump to the end of the list.
Fujimoto Miki: Osananajimi…
Takahashi Ai & Niigaki Risa: Koe…
Tanaka Reina: Glass no Pumps…
Morning Musu –
WHAT?!
I shake my head and look again. It’s definitely there. Tanaka Reina: Glass no Pumps. I might as well start taking pole-dancing lessons. I feel a bit woozy. Is Tsunku in his right mind? Was he drunk when he wrote this? I continue to stare at it until my eyes begin to blur.
Somebody pokes me in the ribs from behind, and I turn around to see Eri grinning like an idiot, pointing at my name and underlining Glass no Pumps with her finger. I do my best to glare at her. It works and she puts her hands up to surrender.
There is no way in hell I can perform that. It’s not my place to do that song. It’s Maki’s. She’s made it hers, how can I possibly pull something like that off? It belongs to her.
Or is it that I don’t want to perform it because it’s Maki’s song? I think about our last meeting and how it ended. Would I really be able to dance and sing Glass no Pumps, while our disagreement hung in the back of my mind? I check the paper again, just to be sure that it’s me, and that I didn’t read it incorrectly. I sigh and drop my head in defeat. It’s definitely there, and it most definitely is me.
“I know I said this is a draft, but it mostly likely won’t change,” Tsunku informs us, waving spare copies in the air. I try not to narrow my eyes too much at him. “That’s all for today, if you don’t have any questions you may leave”.
As we file out I begin to feel light-headed. Am I over-analysing the situation? Is it too erotic for my liking? Am I worried about ruining Maki’s song? I feel uneasy about the whole thing, but I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is that’s bothering me. I rub my head and make my way to the café to buy a drink. I really need to sit down.
Stirring the iced-chocolate that I had ordered but had yet to touch, I wonder if Maki knows that I will be performing her song. I miss her so much. I push the drink out of the way and rest my head on the cool table. This is giving me too much to think about.
“What’s wrong with you?” an uninterested voice pipes up near me. I lift my head to see Miki pulling up a chair opposite me. I don’t respond.
“Then can I have this?” she asks, already sipping my iced-chocolate. I wave my hand lazily, giving her the ok. “Saw your name on the setlist”. I groan. “You haven’t talked to her since that day, have you?” She sure gets straight to the point. I shake my head in response.
“I don’t know what to do anymore…” I hopelessly tell Miki. Her only answer is to offer me an empty expression. I stare at the table, unable to put my thoughts into words.
“You two had an argument a few weeks back, neither of you have tried to fix it since then, now Tsunku has dumped Glass no Pumps on you and since you aren’t on good terms with Maki, you feel uncomfortable about using her song,” she sums it all up, and then continues her attack on the contents in the glass. How did she know I didn’t like the idea of doing Glass no Pumps in this situation? I guess she wasn’t kidding when she said that she could read me easily.
Miki slurps the remains of the iced-chocolate loudly. When she can’t get any more out of it she gives up and slides the glass across towards me. A little surprised I catch it before it can get too far and look at her questioningly.
“Look, it’s been a while since you last spoke to Maki. Don’t you think you’ve been putting it off for too long?” Miki asks softly. She’s reverted back into the character that actually shows affection. I look down at the table, suddenly finding it very interesting. Why me? Why should I be the one to go to Maki? “We’ve got an hour before filming… think it over, but don’t think too hard, ok?” Miki tells me before standing up and leaving the café. I sigh and retreat to my change room.
*****
Sitting and waiting for the shooting of Hello!Morning to begin isn’t terribly exciting. I sigh, checking the clock for the uncountable time since I left the café. I had been waiting in my change room for almost two hours because filming had been delayed. Something about missing equipment. That extra hour didn’t help at all. I’ve managed to give myself another headache thinking about Maki and how I can possibly go about getting out of this mess.
There’s a faint knock at my door before Miki pokes her head inside.
“Fujimoto-san, what brings you here?”
“Why else do I ever turn up?” she answers with a question as she sits down at the table. My unexpected guardian has once again raised her over-confident head. It’s true. The only times she’s ever really spoken to me in private is when it concerns Maki and I. I don’t answer her. I don’t really understand why she keeps looking out for us, but I’m glad for her interferences because they help so much.
“I can’t understand her!” I cry out in exasperation. Miki raises an eyebrow. “I’ve thought about it non-stop. I don’t understand her reactions, her responses. I don’t understand why she hasn’t come to see me. I don’t get why it’s me who has to go see her! I don’t understand!” She rolls her eyes at me.
“Try harder.”
“How?”
“Tsk.”
Miki glares at me. It’s not as nasty as the other ones she’s given, but all the same it makes me feel uncomfortable.
“Look at it from her perspective. You’re four years younger than her, she feels like she’s robbing the cradle. She feels like you’re easily being controlled by her. Even if that’s not how it is, that’s just how she feels. It took her two years to come to terms with the age gap, even if it’s not a great big one. And just when she finally does come to terms with it, and you two get all cozy, you get angry at her about something that you didn’t think was such a big deal. But to her it is. All that hard mental work that she did all this time became undone, because you questioned her perception of you, and in doing so you questioned your feelings for her, even if that’s not what you really feel or wanted to say”.
I gape at Miki. She sure knew how to interpret things, and most of all, she’s probably right. I’m unable to respond so I continue to gape. She continues her rant.
“Why do you think it took her so long to come to you? She wanted to be sure of both her feelings and yours. She wanted to make sure that you weren’t just being influenced by her lead. As the older of the two, she feels responsible for anything and everything that happens, regardless of who is fault. Right now, Maki is blaming herself.”
This is what Maki’s problem is? She’s being ridiculous about it! You can’t just force someone into having these feelings, you can’t make them like you. Is she delusional?!
“But it’s not her fault! I really do like her. A lot. A whole lot. She’s not forcing me to have these feelings!” I exclaim, throwing my hands up in the air. Miki shakes her head, throwing me an agitated look. Am I missing something that was supposed to make me understand the situation better? Why wasn’t this clicking? We sit in silence for a few moments.
“Can you picture yourself romantically involved with Miyabi-chan? Or the Captain? Or any of the Berryz for that matter?”
I revolt, the thought of something like that makes my stomach churn with disgust for even considering it.
“What about °C-ute?” she asks.
“No! That’s just…wrong! And even if we were in a relationship they’d probably just be in it because they’re too young to really understa- - ”
Oh God.
Oh. My. God.
That was the missing piece. I gawk at Miki like a deer in headlights. She looks bored. She would probably be wearing that look during filming too, but that’s besides the point. The point is I understand Maki’s feelings. I felt sick about going out with a Berryz just now, but Maki has had to suppress things like that for me. I can’t even begin to imagine how she managed to deal with it.
We’ve both grown up and become more mature, body, mind and soul. That’s why she had more confidence that my feelings for her are real and only then did she act upon hers. I made her doubt it with all the horrible things I said to her. I feel like jumping off of the top of TV Tokyo. I feel like slitting my wrists. I feel like setting myself on fire.
How could I have been so insensitive? I groan and bury my head in my hands. The worst part is that Maki is still blaming herself. I have to speak with her, sort this out. Should I call her? No, she might hang up on me. It’s better done face to face. I’ll drop by her apartment after work.
“Come on, filming should be starting soon,” Miki says, snapping me out of my revelation.
We arrive at the set. Some of the members are already there. Miki makes her way to Yoshizawa-san and I make my way to Koharu-chan and Sayu. From the side of the studio I spot a small crowd of noisy girls. Squinting my eyes, I realise that it’s Berryz Koubou and °C-ute. Of all the days for them to be here, it had to be today. My stomach does violent somersaults again. I’ve definitely got to go see Maki today.
Topic: Sun (updated 25th April!!! CHAPTER 12 up!) (Read 26855 times)