Nee this is just kinda an idea I had on my mind for a while and I might even make a part two. It's up to you guys. Anyways I hope you like it.
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WMatsui: The Show
Our lives are nothing but a big show. When it starts we all walk out wearing our strange costumes and funny masks. We perform for the audience and keep them entertained. Even when we don't want to be part of the show, we are forced to wear our masks and carry one. No matter how painful it is or how sad it is, we continue to perform. Because the show must go on and we cannot let little things stop it. The question is though who is the ring master in this show? Is it you? Is it me? Someone has the power to end this horrible show but who? If I could find out who I would love to tell them to end it. I will do anything just please end this horrible show. I'm tired of hiding behind the mask. Wearing this fake smile every time I walked onto the stage. This wasn't the real me. This was the character created by the ring master. If I could just find out who that person is then maybe.. Just maybe I can finally be free.
"Hey Jurina after rehersal wanna get something to eat with me and Mayu?"
"No thanks Yuki I think I'll walk home."
I packed up my things and then started to walk home.
My life... Well let's just say it was alright. I had a nice family just me, mom, dad, and a little sister. We all lived pretty happily. Sure my parents got a divorce when I was little. I'm 16 now I've gotten used to it. Switching back and forth every other day does get tiring but it's also kind of nice. I just think of it as having two houses. In school, I'm pretty much picked on a lot. I get made fun of for being and idol. Kids say I got where I am today because I had sex with that Akimoto guy. Honestly I don't give a damn what they said. I made it here because I worked hard and whatever they say I just don't care about. Most people would see me as a pampered spoiled kid. Sure I didn't really have a childhood but I think everything that's happening now makes up for it. Overall I guess you could say I have a pretty good life.
"Welcome home Jurina!"
"Thanks mom."
"When you get done with your homework clean your room ok?"
"Ok mom!" I said as I walked up to my room.
On the outside that is...
If someone were to actually sit down and take a look inside me, well they'd see a living nightmare. Outside this perfect little image of an idol is a complete train wreck. Having parents that have high expectations of you and any tiniest mistake sets off a bomb really puts pressure on you. Not to mention perverted adults who judge me because of what I do and kids who mock me for doing what I do now. It all adds up and slowly it starts to build. All the anger, frustration, hate, it all builds up until you're just dying to explode. However because of the world I live in, if you explode they'll lock you up and keep you there for the rest of your life.
"We should no do bad things. If we do, they'll take us away." the song said as I laid there staring at the ceiling.
All the anger and frustration inside me is just dying to break free and release it's wrath on all of them. Sadly I am forced to wear my mask and get back to the show. We can't have any outbreaks on the show because it could upset the audience. I remember when I was first given my mask I was told to follow the rules and there wouldn't be any problems.
It wasn't until around last year when I fell in love for the first time. For once I thought I had found someone who understood me. Someone who shared the same feelings as me. I was right and we were happy for quite sometime. But then things happened and everything went downhill. We broke up and though I still talk to her, things never were the same back then. However thanks to her, I realized that it isn't easy trusting someone. That I have to keep things closed if I ever have a chance at surviving this cruel world. There isn't much to say about only, love is war.
"I want you to vanish! If I can't have you then no one can. I want you to vanish from my sight so I can forget you."
That's what she told me. She told me to leave everyone behind and just to seclude myself into my own little world of darkness. Honestly I couldn't do it. I couldn't just leave everyone. Unlike her I still had people I cared about.
"Ah where did it all go wrong?" I said to myself as I felt my heart cringe.
I was determined to keep my heart closed and let no one in from that moment on. However one day I met someone who managed to sneak past my walls and make it into my heart. Matsui Rena was her name and she really was a nice girl. Rena was always nice and kind to me. Caring and understanding. Sure she was like six years older than me but that doesn't matter when you're in love. Our time together felt really magical. I did enjoy it for a while. However things happened and everything fell apart soon after. Rena was transferred to a different group and I was as well. We never saw each other and we never talked to each other. One of the many things I absolutely hate is being alone and that's what happened there. I was alone with no one to hold onto. I hated it and I grew tired of waiting so I ended it there. She was devastated of course but at that point my love for her was gone.
"Ring ring!"
I looked over and saw that Rena was messaging me. I simply hit the ignore button and threw my phone across the room. I didn't feel like talking. Not to her anyways. Sadly to my disappointment there was a ring at the door so I got up and walked to the front door. When I opened it there she was standing there.
"What do you want?" I asked.
"I was wondering if we could talk." she said.
"Sure."
I let her in and we sat down in the main room. We talked for a while about idle things I didn't really care about and then she came upon the subject of us. It was a that moment I knew what she was trying to do but I wasn't going to mention it. Everything I say usually leads to people getting pissed off at me so I think I'll just keep things shut. For now that is.
"Nee do you really, truly have no feelings for me? I mean after all we've been through.."
"Yes I have none for you Rena. They all left me." I said.
"But Jurina I know you need time to grow but still it hurts.."
I could see the sadness in her eyes and honestly I did feel kind of sorry for her. I mean yeah I broke her heart. I held it tightly in my hand and squeezed it until it was completely crushed. I myself felt a little guilty for doing such a horrible act but hell she wasn't the only one suffering. Does she have any idea how unbearable it was for me? To be alone when I was practically going insane? When I looked for comfort she was never there for me even when she said she would! Then when I actually tried to talk to her I was scolded. She only saw disappointment and anger towards me. Ever since then I became afraid. Afraid of your own girlfriend? Doesn't that sound crazy?! I was scared and I didn't feel happy around her so I ended it. She calls me selfish for doing so but to be honest I think I did something for the both of us. I mean really I was practically going insane?! Adding on the fear to it wasn't good for me and it wouldn't be good for her if I had actually snapped on her.
"Jurina are you even listening to me?" Rena said as she looked at me with slightly annoyed eyes.
"Uh yeah.." I said trying to sound interested.
"I was saying I still love you and no one is ever going to replace you. I'll wait for you as long as it takes and then when you've grown we can finally be together. I love you so much Jurina."
"Ok.."
Honestly I don't see why she can't find another person? I mean she could really but she says that she won't. I'm sure she'll find someone in the future. No one knows for sure but I think it's best for her if she just forgets someone like me and just moves on. I'm no good for her anyways.
"I have to go to work now.. I'll see you later ok?"
"Ok.."
I've told this to her before but for the longest time I thought Rena only loved me out of pity. When my first girl friend left me I was broken and hurt. I was lost and I had nowhere left to go. I was also scared of the world and the threats and dangers it posed to me. When she came across me I probably looked like a dog abandoned in the rain. I don't know if it was out of pity. She would always tell me it wasn't but I wasn't sure. There were times where it seemed like I was just a sad excuse for life and she was some higher great being who decided to take pity on me and take me in. When I had feelings like those all I could do was smile and pretend nothing was happening but in reality I was breaking down on the inside. There were times though where your love felt genuine. Still my mind is so messed up I think I'm struggling with picking between the truth and lies. I'm telling you I think I'm going crazy! Maybe.
Work.. Ha that's all you do. Work work work. That was one of the many reasons why I left you. You were always working and didn't have time for me. To be honest I really liked being with you. However when you started working you saw me less and less. Slowly the feelings left me and I just became lost. There are also many reasons why I left but I'm never going to tell you. I can't tell you anything anymore can I?!
Now I'm all alone once again and to be honest I like things this way. However sometimes there are nights where things get really bad and I feel like I'm falling off the edge. The loneliness is slowly driving me towards insanity and now I'm dancing on the very end. I don't know for how long but for now I can't show any sign that I am falling. Because if I do then people will get involved and try to help me. I don't want anyone getting caught up in the mess I've made for myself. This is something that I made and I intend to keep it that way. No one else will come in.
"God damnit..."
I can feel the darkness starting to creep up on me. The dark thoughts and voices. They're slowly getting closer and closer to me and wrapping a tight grip around my neck slowly suffocating me from the inside.
The show continues still to this day. I have now accepted the fact that there is no way to stop the show. It will continue for the rest of my life until the day I die. I really hate it but I can't do much about it. However there are times where I think I've found the solution! But then I forget it the next moment and just stare at my pathetic self in the mirror. Everyone sees the happy cheery me and so few see the real me. Honestly this mask gets so annoying. I don't see why I can't just take it off and show the world who I really am.
"I.. I can't take this anymore!"
I got up and ran downstairs. Tears stung my eyes and my heart ached with every beat. I had finally had enough of it all.
The voices inside my head tell me to do things. All kinds of things really. They tell me to hurt people and do bad things. Being me I can't do that no matter how much I want to. Because I am known not to fight back, people take advantage of that. They pick on me and call me horrible things. They even do things to me that twist my heart into the tightest of knots. Because of all this pain I try to run and hide myself. I hide in the deepest darkest hole so no one can find me and I can just be there by myself. However they always find me and they always manage to hurt me in some way. When I look for help I find no one. I can't go to my parents, my friends, no one understands me. I'm like a freaking puzzle with a ton of pieces missing! No one can help me and I see those who try to help me a fool. All I can do now is hide in the darkness. However sometimes I get tired of hiding and for once I just want to do something. Something that will set me free once and for all.
"Hey I'm going to the basement."
I said to my father as I went down stairs. I walked into the very back room up to a certain corner. I moved some boxes out of the way and found a closet. I opened the door and inside were many boxes. I pulled out the one box labeled "EMERGENCY" and opened it. Inside was a gun. I guess you could call this an emergency. I took the gun and checked to make sure it was loaded. Then I placed the gun up against my head and took a deep breath.
"Finally..."
This was the moment I was waiting for. This was the moment I had been waiting for. I now had the power to end it all. No more pain, hiding, darkness. Everything would all vanish right before me. I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. This was it so what was stopping me? Why hadn't I pulled the trigger yet? What was holding me back? I sat there thinking about it and then remembered all the people I would leave behind. All the people who would probably be affected by this. I really didn't want to cause them any pain. Then suddenly I just remembered something that she had told me a long time ago,
"Why can't you be selfish for once?"
I laughed a little remembering something Rena once told me,
"You act rashly without thinking about how I feel. You're selfish and only do things best for you."
Honestly I don't know what I am anymore and I'm tired of it all. I just want to end it all.
So whether I'm selfish or not I don't care. This is what I want and once and for all I'm not going to hide. No more hiding or running away. Slowly the scene was changing in my mind. I was no longer in the basement of my house.
I now stand before the crowd with the music blaring and all the actors around me. They spin around me getting ready for the final event. The stage lights were on me as I stood there at the center of the stage. With my mask on my face I pulled it up just a little bit so everyone could see me. The real me. I smiled brightly with a sad expression in my eyes. This was going to be my last performance. I hope everyone had a good time. I took one last breath and pulled the trigger. With that, my mask vanished and the stage lights darkened. The music stopped and actors vanished. This was the final end. I don't think I'll be coming back anytime soon so I hope everyone enjoyed the show.
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Well I don't really know if I should make a part two or not.. Still I don't know. Up to you guys. Don't forget to check out the poll if you haven't.
Topic: miyumi's OS collection!!! update YuiParu: Miracle Girl (Read 204967 times)