Yo~ Kevin here~!!! Seems like I'm the first one to post this secret friend fic~ 
And my secret friend is--------------------------------MOMO~!
Momo, I know you have asked me before if you're my secret friend.. I said no.. Please forgive me.. You were..
I wrote a Mayuki fic for you..
I was thinking of adding some Wmatsui inside as well.. Coz I know you love Wmatsui as much.. But I failed..
I sincerely apologize for that..
Hope you will love this fic and hope this fic is worth your reading..
If not, then let me apologize once again..
Now brace yourself~ Coz this fic has about 14k words
Well, Enjoy~!Dear Yuki"Do you miss her?" Rena lies on her bed, chewing gum and staring up to the ceiling, her raven hair spread on the white blanket, shimmering like silk.
A wall clock is ticking, somewhere, in another room.
They both know what she's talking about. Mayu sits in front of her computer and her fingers come to a halt on the keyboard when she thinks about the question: "Of course I do."
It's 2005 and this means two years have passed since Yuki has moved to New York. Two year, five months and twenty days to be exact, but it's not like Mayu's counting.
"It's been like what, a year and a half?" Rena rolls onto her stomach, legs up in the air and wiggles her toes in this special way only sixteen year old girls can, without looking ridiculous. "Wow, time flies." And then, after a pause for reflection, she adds. "I should write her once again."
Mayu looks at the screen, her hand squeezing the mouse slightly. There are black letters on the white, vaguely flickering background, telling about the concert of Takamina's band she's been to, about late-night discussions with Yuko and about the song she can't get out of her head. The words are well-chosen, light-hearted and Mayu can almost imagine the expression on Yuki's face when she'll open her e-mail account to find a new message.
She types the signature, quickly, nodding in reply to Rena's last sentence. "You promised her. I think you should."
And then she clicks on 'send message', biting her lip while the text vanishes from her screen and thinks: You just did.
Mayu's not nostalgic. she enjoys remembering the past from time to time just the same as anybody else, but she's not some daydreamer, always lost in recollections. Yes, it's probably true that she thinks about their childhood now and then, but that's all, really.
It's 1998 and Mayu's memories are sepia-toned like old photographs. They are out in her grandmother's garden, Yuki, Rena and herself. It's summer and they play hide and seek between the old trees, laughing and then suddenly being quiet when they crouch in their hiding spots, and their hearts are beating too fast in their chests, because it doesn't feel like a game anymore for some seconds, just before they're found and they can scream out, startled, excited and the game starts over again.
Rena sits on the swing, her dress is flying around her legs and she moves up into the sky and down to earth again and her hair is fluttering around her face like a black cloud. And Yuki is watching her with big eyes like she's never seen her before, no, but rather like she sees her for the very first time.
Mayu stands beside her, she could touch her hand if she wanted to, but she doesn't, because lately her stomach feels funny whenever she's close to Yuki. So she just watches her watching her, and the sun is shining and maybe this is one of the moments when everything changes.*Yuki has always been hopelessly in love with Rena, she doesn't realize Mayu's feelings for her. When Yuki’s father gets a new job the family moves from Tokyo to New York, leaving Yuki with no connection to her friends but a few E-Mails. Eventually Rena moves on but Mayu can’t. Mayu keeps writing to Yuki, signing with Rena's name because she knows it makes her happy*“I was thinking about the days outside of Tokyo, back then in the summer. Do you remember the garden and the swing?” That's exactly what Mayu writes in an e-mail, and it's like she can hear the roaring laughter in Yuki's reply.
“Sure, how could I ever forget about Mayu’s granny? I've always fancied her.” Yuki replied
“You're disgusting.” Mayu states in the next mail.
“Don't be jealous, Rena. You know I fancied you even more.”It's become a running gag, just between the two of them. Some sort of silly game, they've started. A single question attached to almost every mail, mostly trying to be as daft as possible. Sometimes just starting out like this:
Yuki: Do you remember this one time when I was in love with Mayu's granny?
Mayu: Do you remember this one time when I set fire to the chocolate factory? I've been always afraid of Willy Wonka...
Yuki: Do you remember this one time when I stole the wedding cake and was captured by aliens?
Mayu: Do you remember this one time a penguin mugged my mum?
Yuki: Do you remember this one time I kissed you on Jurina's birthday party?It's always over when one of them asks about something that really has happened, when one of them wants to be serious again. Those are the rules and Mayu remembers this one time, oh, how well she remembers...
It's 2001 and Mayu's begun to wonder if she might be in love with Rena, because Yuki surely is and they almost always like the same things. But when she watches them eating cake and chasing each other when they play tag, she knows that it's Yuki who always catches her eye. That all she can see is black hair and white teeth and black eyes and that she thinks she's beautiful, even if she's not sure what to make of this. She's supposed to like guys, isn't she?
And when she walks in on them, later that day in Jurina's room, where they both giggle through the half-closed door and then suddenly keep silence, she can feel a change in the beating of her heart. Yuki's face is really close to Rena's and her eyes are closed like the women in movies always do in such moments and usually they all laugh about it, but right now there's nothing funny about the situation
Their lips touch, it's just a peck, over in a fraction of a second and then Rena opens her eyes and squeaks when she sees Mayu in the door frame, throwing a pillow at her and laughing at her thunderstruck expression. Yuki doesn't laugh, she looks sulky and for the rest of the day she doesn't want to talk to Mayu anymore.“I hate New York.” Yuki complains, because she's good at it. It's the year of 2003 and the leaves are starting to change colour.
“I hate that my dad couldn't keep his job in Tokyo. He could run a hotel anywhere in the world, why did we have to come here? All he cares about is himself. I don't know anybody around here. The food tastes funny and my new school sucks. He says I'll understand when I'll have a family on my own and that it's only natural to make sacrifices. Once I'm an adult, I'm not going to force my children to do something they don't want. And I'll never ever move to New York with them. I hate this place.”Mayu can almost hear Yuki's father saying something like that. It sounds exactly like her, highly reserved and unpitying. she's always been a bit scared of Yuki's father.
“I'm sure it's not that bad. You just have to get used to it. Don't fuss.” Does it sound like something Rena would say? Mayu isn't sure, but Yuki's seems to buy it.
“At least, I can always rely on your heartfelt sympathy, Rena.” There is a smiley and then the words:
“Thanks for keeping your promise.” It's 2003, springtime and the sky is blue. Yuki's father's stowing away the last moving box in their car. It's time to say goodbye. They're standing outside on the street. Mayu can smell the tarmac and the fumes and for a moment all she can do is to stare at the wheels of the car, imagine them to start rolling. To take away Yuki, to a distant place.
Rena puts her arms around Yuki and Mayu can see how her eyes shut when she hugs her back, inhaling the scent of her hair. When they part, she smiles at her, reminding her of writing her. Every day! She grins, but Mayu can see that she's already getting teary-eyed and she knows that she will leave, as soon as the car has started. She hates being weak.Yuki holds out her hand and Mayu seizes it, shaking it, because they're fourteen and they're manly and no, they won't cry.
"You can write me, too." Yuki says. It sounds like a privilege. When the car drives off, she realizes that this might have been the last time she's felt Yuki's hand on her own or the twist in her stomach when their skin touches accidentally. Puberty is an awful thing to get through.At first it's a contest, well something like that. Who manages to write Yuki more mails in one week, on one day? Rena's parents are some sort of flower people (in her own words) and maybe that's just another reason for Yuki to be in love with her. Yuki's father wouldn't be pleased if her daughter would decide to wed some hippie girl. Most definitely not. Anyway, Rena doesn't have a computer and so she uses Mayu's, her account, to tell Yuki what she's missing.
Her new yellow dress. How Jurina fell into Takamina's pool, fully clothed. Her fifteenth birthday. However, she forgets to tell her how Jurina dragged her in the pool the same day. How they both laughed in the water even if her yellow dress was completely ruined. How they started to hold hands on her birthday after she blew out the candles.It's just a matter of time until Rena doesn't need Mayu's computer anymore, but rather her advice. Girls are complicated after all.
For some reason everybody seems to move on quite easily. Yuki complains, but the mails which are addressed to Mayu dwindle in number, little by little. Although her inbox is filled with messages (Rena shrugs and hurries off to her first date). And Mayu asks herself if she's merely stuck in the past. Why on earth would she keep on writing someone who rarely bothers to reply?
Every story has its beginning and for Mayu it starts out with a well-intentioned thought. Well, sort of. Maybe it's because Yuki left three months ago and Mayu can feel that summer's about to end. Maybe it's just the fact that it's three o'clock in the morning and that fifteen year old boys should be in bed by now. Maybe it's nothing.
It feels like a joke, a spontaneous brainstorm when she types: 'Best wishes, Rena'.And she sends off the message before she can change her mind. Afterwards, there are regrets, having done something this stupid for no reason at all. But this time, Yuki answers quickly and she sounds so honestly happy even if it's just letters, black on white, and Mayu's heart takes a leap. It would be so simple to tell her the truth, to say it was a mistake and to bid her goodbye once and for all, but Mayu doesn't.
Mayu persuades herself that she's doing it for Rena. And for Yuki. She promised to write her and she's obviously eagerly awaiting her mails. So it's just the right thing to do, isn't it? Everybody wins, everybody's happy.
It's 2010, which means just another year on college until they'll be free. Then university, a job, marriage, children. Life's moving forward so goddamn fast, sometimes Mayu doesn't know if she really wants to keep up with the pace.
“Don't be such a prat.” Mayu smiles while she types her reply.
“I read this book you've mentioned. I think there is an underlying message: be content with the small things in life. Obviously you didn't get the deeper meaning.”Yuki replied
“Do you remember this one time when I hired ninjas to cut off your fingers?”“Actually, I liked the book. Very much. Sometimes I'm surprised by your taste. By the way:Do you remember this one time when I was laughing at your threats?”In some way it's just like back then, when they were younger. They almost always like the same things. Only now Yuki seems to recognize how much they have in common. They can discuss some stupid film quote until the words stop to make sense. They can have an argument about the saddest song in the world and refuse to agree but when it appears on the radio later that day, or in the evening at some bar, they both have to swallow for a second. But they never tell the other. From time to time, Mayu almost forgets what she's doing. That it's not Rena that Yuki's telling all these things. That she's obtaining these messages by fraud. That she's only getting these glimpses at Yuki's life because she uses Rena's name. But most of the time, it's really easy to ignore the facts.
“I'll arrive on Saturday.” It's 2013 and it's just a small, harmless sentence and yet Mayu can feel her insides turn around when she opens the message. For a minute or so, she just glances at the screen of her new laptop, before she realises that her mouth is getting dry and that this is not a heart attack, but sheer bloody panic.
"It's no big deal." Rena's sitting on her new kitchen table, cross-legged, "If you don't want her to stay with you, she can sleep at my place." This is such a bad idea for so many reasons (one of them being that Jurina is probably the sweetest girl on the planet, but when it comes to her girlfriend, she can get rather grumpy), but Mayu just shakes her head: "That's not the problem."
"So, what is the problem, Mayu?" Rena combs her hair with her fingers in a manner that must surely drive most people mad.
"I don't know." she says lastly, feeling utterly like an idiot, "It's been ten years since we've seen her and now she just decides to come for a spontaneous visit, because she's got two weeks to dawdle away. What if we don't get along with each other anymore?"
Rena sips at her coffee, shrugging: "She's still our friend, isn't she?"
She's so annoying, when she's right...
Airports are great, according to Rena. All these impressions, all these people. Arriving, leaving, embracing, waiting, fighting, kissing. She says it's like some microscopic version of life. All at once and at a certain place, cumulative and exciting and then everybody's leaving. Maybe she's right. Mayu just thinks that she doesn't like crowds of people or the rush or the noise. But when Yuki's ambling through the gate, anticipation glowing in her eyes and lurking in the corners of her mouth, everything else becomes subordinate anyway. She can't recall a time when she didn't find Yuki beautiful and nothing has changed.
She's eleven again, when they were tickling each other and suddenly there was this something in her chest that made it hard to breathe for a second.
She's thirteen... when she closed her eyes, trying to imagine how it would have felt like if it hadn't been Rena that Yuki had been kissing, but her.
She's fifteen... when she had her first dream about her and realized that feelings aren't always this innocent. Or maybe it wasn't even like that and she was just too ashamed to think about it, ever again. She's twenty-four, she's standing at the airport and this old something is fluttering in her chest and there is a kiss tingling on her lips that has never occurred and her cheeks are feeling hot, because she might know by now what desire feels like, but it's still not something you just get used to.
"Rena!" Yuki winks and she's actually beaming while she's approaching them, "Rena." she says, drawing her close for a hug. "Rena..." she whispers into her ear.
Rena laughs, because she doesn't take everyone all too seriously, especially not her but nevertheless she seems happy to see her again. Her eyes are glued to her face and she giggles and Mayu feels like someone has pulled the rug out from under her, because Yuki's (still, always, again) in love.
Only that she's looking at the wrong person...
"Mayu." They shake hands, exchanging a smile and a casual nod.
Walking out of the airport, they start to talk, a bit insecurely, a bit carefully, moving on slowly like someone who's testing the ground in the swamp, because ten years is a long time and a lot of things have happened since that day in spring in front of Yuki's old house. But after some minutes it becomes easier and the day is bright and sunshiny and Rena grins about a joke Yuki's made. Some things never change. Mayu's smile's ceasing, though. Slightly, slowly, softly, while they get into the cab and drive off. she looks out of the window, only to see their talking reflections in the glass, Yuki and Rena. Rena and Yuki. And just Yuki, when she's closing her eyes a bit, blinking against the bright sunlight. Yuki's a lot of things. Rena's first kiss and Mayu's first love and maybe they all are connected, in some way and Mayu wonders if she's the only one to think about it this way.
"It's amazing how you've managed not to lose sight of each other." It's already evening and they're sitting in some pub, drinking beer and becoming accustomed to the sound of their voices.
"What are you on about?" Mayu asks, looking out for Rena who said she would just get another pitcher, but is now already gone for more than fifteen minutes and she's not sure if she likes the unspoken question which is lurking in Yuki's eyes.
"I'm just saying... ten years and you still seem to be very close." Yuki sets down her glass, glancing over at the counter, where black hair is shimmering in the dim light. "It's not like... I mean, she's never said anything about it, but... she still uses your e-mail account... I was just wondering..."
"We're friends." Mayu says in this steady, meaningful voice she uses every time she has to explain her relationship with Rena to some bloke. Which happens twice a month, approximately.
"Right." There is a somewhat guilty tone in Yuki's reply and Mayu watches her inspecting the table surface, like there wouldn't be anything comparatively interesting in the whole room but nevertheless, she's not prepared for the next words. "I should have written to you more often." A pause, filled with an awkward glance and a sip of beer. "Written to you too, that is." Yuki's looking everywhere, but not into Mayu's eye. "We've all been friends for such a long time. I don't blame you for stopping to try."
It's one of these things you say when you've drunk too much and you start to get a little sentimental and yet Mayu doesn't know how to react. she's expected a lot of things, but not this. And she's not sure if she's supposed to laugh or to cry. Naturally, this is the moment when Rena reappears, a pitcher in her hands and a smile on her face. Yuki seems quite happy to see both.
"No harm done." Mayu murmurs, grabbing her glass and emptying it in one gulp.
At least, it can't get worse...
Of course it can. When they come home to Mayu's place, Yuki sits down on the couch, still in her coat, still in her shoes and stares at the carpet for some seconds. "I don't get it."
"What are you talking about?" Mayu walks around the upholstery, squatting down in front of her.
"I've no idea."
"Yuki, it's been a long day. We've all had a bit too much to drink and you just got off your plane. Tomorrow will be time enough."
"Coming here... It's not what I expected it to be."
"What did you expect, Yuki?"
She looks up at her and then she buries a hand in her blonde hair, tousling it even more: "Something. Anything. I don't even know." A self-ironic chuckle. "God, I feel like an idiot."
"That's because you are an idiot," says Mayu, grinning weakly, feeling her heart throbbing in her chest like a caged bird, and offering her a hand to get her up from the couch.
Yuki considers this for a moment, shrugging off the insult before she accepts. The stand up together, suddenly close, right there in the middle of Mayu's living room. It's almost four in the morning and the whole world seems to be sound asleep around of them.Like there'd be no one else, except for them. Which is a crazy and stupid thought that Mayu wishes she wouldn't think just now.
Yuki's watching her, she can sense it and she's almost imagining that she can feel her breath on her face, but surely that's just the hour of the day and the alcohol and all these silly mails. Nothing else.
"Good night." Yuki says lastly and heads for the bathroom.
In the door frame, she turns around once more, giving her a crooked smile: "Then again you, Mayu, you haven't changed a bit. You're still way too nice to people who don't deserve it."
"Is this supposed to be a compliment?"
"It's supposed to be a thank-you."
And then the door closes behind her and Mayu stands there alone, feeling like a stranger in her own home and maybe she should just walk out of the room, out of this flat, because apparently she's really good at pretending to be someone else but at the moment she can't even pretend to be herself. Not when Yuki's around.
The following days are filled with reunions, the visitation of places where they used to go and the discovery of new ones and there is actually no time to talk about this first night and neither Yuki nor Mayu attempt to do so and slowly, surely, things are getting back to normal.They laugh and they eat and they talk together, remembering old jokes and even older friends. They are over at Takamina's house while her parents are on Hawaii, relaxing in the sun next to the pool. They're sitting in Yuko's kitchen late at night, listening to her stories about the people at the hospital where she's working. They show up at Jurina's party, only three hours late. How time flies when you can't stop laughing about some silly old joke.
Rena's dancing with Yuko, in the middle of the room, moving to the music like they've forgotten about the rest of them and Yuki's pouting, because she doesn't get her attention. Could it be some sort of ritual that one of them ends up with a broken heart, every single time at some stupid party?
"Are you all right?" Mayu asks when she comes across her, out there on the balcony.
"Yes. No." Yuki replies, making no sense whatsoever. "Sometimes I think she doesn't like me at all."
"Of course she does."
"I didn't mean like me, not in that way..."
Mayu draws breath, feeling weird, out of place and maybe a bit drunk again: "There's a difference between seeing someone in person and just reading their messages. Letters are stable, people are not."
"But..." Yuki's shaking her head by now. "But things doesn't change just like that. How can you feel this close to someone and the next second it's like it has never happened? How can words make you believe that there is something between you and this other person when there's nothing at all?"
"Yuki..." the air is bitter and prickly in Mayu's throat and maybe that's just the way she feels right now. The way she's felt for the last ten years. Bitter and sweet and prickly and numb and now she's running out of names for the feeling in her chest when Yuki's watching her like she's waiting for some kind of advice.
"How can you think you know a person, really know somebody, almost better than you know yourself and then look into their eyes and see... nothing..." Yuki says quietly and her gaze is still resting on Mayu's face.
Mayu's tongue is flickering over her lips, because they're dry and they taste like wine and she returns Yuki's look. They do not move, none of them saying a word while the silence between them deepens. The sounds of the party are dulled by the glass door, nothing but distant noises, belonging somewhere else, not into this moment.
"Maybe..." Mayu breathes and Yuki keeps silent. "Maybe you just have to try harder when you're looking at somebody..."
"Do you think?" Suddenly Yuki's fingertips are there, just an inch away from Mayu's cheek and there is confusion in her eyes, like she's scared of her own question, scared of the answers Mayu could give her, scared of the possibilities.
When the glass door opens with an abrupt movement, they both flinch as though they've been caught doing something forbidden. Music, laughter and Rena's voice are streaming out in the quietness of the night and the moment is gone.
"Hey girls, can we please go home? Jurina is in of her moods..."
Yuki's clearing her throat, before she makes a step backwards in her direction, away from Mayu: "Sure," she eyes up her face. "We could go to your place and watch some movie."
"What?" She grimaces. She doesn't wait for her to respond, turning to the room again and calling out for Yuko.
"I just thought..." murmurs Yuki, to no one in particular, staring at Rena's back. "I was thinking..." she trails off. "I don't know what to think. Not anymore..."
Ten days. It's already been ten days and Mayu's almost glad when she can go back to work on Monday, after Jurina's party, more fleeing from- than walking out of her flat, leaving Yuki behind on the couch, leaving behind all these feelings, these memories.The thought of what could have been...Oh, this moment on the balcony, how can it still be so damn present in her mind, when it's supposed to be nothing but a vague recollection? How can it make her shudder, now, again, hours later and how can she still feel this almost-touch, this almost-connection and this... Just this. It seems to be everything she can get from Yuki. A heap of 'this'-es and 'almost'-s and memories.But this won't do. Not anymore.
"What's going on with you today?" her gaffer asks, sounding honestly concerned and Mayu doesn't know if she can take it any longer. The worries, the fake smiles, the situation. There was a time when she had an explanation for her behaviour, for all these little lies. They seemed so justifiable, once upon a time. But they aren't anymore, because they're dragging them down, all of them, not just her.
Yuki's in love. Rena's not. And Mayu definitely is. Has been. Will always be. Because Yuki's the only one, she knows it, she knows it with a certainty that's sometimes hard to take, but there is no denying, because this is life and these are the facts. When your feelings are unrequited, it makes no difference anyway.
When she comes home later that day, feeling worn out and exhausted and like a shell – yeah, that's it, she's empty and hollow and she's laughing a bit because seriously, life shouldn't be like that, but it is – Yuki's there, in her living room, looking pale and bleary-eyed and it feels a lot like they're both faking right now. Faking to be happy, faking to be alive, while everything is falling apart around of them.
"Mayu..." Yuki looks up from her cup of tea and Mayu has the sudden need to touch the dark circles beneath her eyes, to touch something to make this real, because it doesn't feel real and it hasn't felt like this for such a long time.
"Hey Yuki," she lets her bag fall on the floor, wishing she could do the same thing, just sinking down and falling asleep sleeping-beauty-style, until this is over and maybe, maybe she can go back to her life from then on, stop pretending and starting to be.But she also knows that she can't, not as long as Yuki's here.
Yuki takes another gulp of tea, watching the curtains, the carpet, the walls and finally meeting Mayu's eye: "I wasn't drunk yesterday."
"You weren't?" Mayu echoes, standing in the door frame, not sure what to make of this.Not sure what to make of herself.
"No." Yuki's staring into her tea again. "Just thought you should know."
"I've no idea what you're talking about." Mayu murmurs, leaning against the wall and closing her eyes.
"Oh." Yuki's clearing her throat. "Oh, but I got the impression..." Mayu can hear her swallowing, again and again, like there'd be something creeping up on her lips she doesn't want to keep down, but doesn't know what to do with otherwise. "Forget it, it's nothing. I should keep my mouth shut. To Rena. To you. There's no point..." another sip of tea. "I guess that's what words are, at the bottom. Meaningless. Just letters, one after another and no entity at all." she closes her eyes and the tea cup meets the table surface with an almost violent beat. "Shit..."
"What happened?"
Thirty seconds, a minute and another one gone and Mayu can feel the words prickling on her lips, pressing her tongue against her teeth and looking up at the wall clock to make sure she hasn't fallen out of time.
"Talked to Rena." Yuki's voice's toneless. "She and Jurina... they're together."
Mayu's nails are digging into her hand. She hasn't even noticed that she was clenching her fist, but now she's opening it again, stretching the fingers and drawing breath: "Really?"
"Oh yeah..." she actually manages to chuckle and Mayu thinks she hasn't heard anything this sad in her whole life and bloody hell, her own story must be something quite sad, right?
"She rang her after the party." Yuki continues. "I had no idea they were a couple back then. We've never talked about relationships, oddly enough. There are a lot of things I don't know, I take it." her hand's shaking a bit. "It's really ridiculous. I've got everything, a good job, a good life and yet I'm still clinging to this damn stupid fantasy that I could get together with my childhood's heartthrob, just because..." her shoulders are shaking too by now and Mayu's heart's beating a bit too fast. "Well, just because... no reason at all. I thought life could be a fairytale, turns out it's not. It's coming as no real surprise..." Yuki's chest lifting and lowering, unsteady, and Mayu realises she's never seen her crying before.
"Yuki," she steps into the living room, with this strange feeling and the idea that the world's stopped to move, also just because... And just maybe, if this moment in her grandmother's garden with the swing was the beginning of everything, then this could be the end... Because this is how it feels, isn't it?
"Mayu." Yuki's hand is already brushing over her cheeks, because there's no difference between being fourteen and being twenty-four when you're feeling like your tears will only start to become real when somebody's witnessing them. Maybe life itself doesn't change at all and things are just getting faster until you forget that there's been another time, that it hasn't always been like this.
"Mayu," she repeats, taking a deep breath. "Could you please tell me that I'm an idiot, again? Because I certainly feel like one." A weak grin. "Besides, it wouldn't be this awkward if you'd just say something. Anything. Please."
She wants to say 'I love you' but she doesn't. She's never done it. And she never will, probably.
"It'll be alright, Yuki." she's giving her a smile, feeling her heart breaking once more, just a little even though she thought it couldn't. "Everything. I promise."
Three days left..They don't catch sight of Rena, naturally, but it seems to be better than the alternative, by all means. She's like a shooting star. Bright, shiny and gone in the blink of an eye. Beauty case in one hand, coffee mug in the other, she's rushing to Jurina's flat and that's it.
"She's a witch." Yuki announces, sitting on Mayu's couch once more. "All this time I fell for her, over and over again and she must have been aware of what she was doing to me, but in the end..." she's gesturing vaguely. "In the end it's nothing but enchantment, spells... nothing more..."
Mayu knows about the five stages of grief, of course she does. But she doesn't know if there's something similar, a model for lovesickness. If so, then they've skipped denial, except Yuki's way of denying things is to sit in Mayu's living room, watching the blank wall, the whole night, the whole day long. And according to her words they might be as well at anger. Be that as it may, it's better than listening to her silence.
"Would you like to go out and get some food?" Mayu asks, because the fridge is empty and so is Yuki's gaze.
She shakes her head. “No.”
Alright, maybe they've already reached depression... or they've never left...
"Do you want to watch a film?"
"Maybe later."
"Yuki... you can't just sit there the whole day, staring into space."
A quiet sigh: "I've just realised that my perceptions of the last ten years have been nothing but wishful thinking, Mayu. I've lost her. So give me a break, would you?" Yuki raises her eyes, only for a second, before she focuses on the wall again. "Do you have any idea how this feels like?"
Once in a while, you come across something, some silly question, some stupid look that hits all the right spots for all the wrong reasons. And Yuki's been Mayu's sore spot for all her life.
She's already shaking when she gets up from her armchair, staring down at her: "Yeah Yuki, as a matter of fact I do!" she shouldn't, she shouldn't, she shouldn't... "This might come as a stunner, but other people have feelings, too!" It wouldn't be this bad, there wouldn't be this burning knot in her stomach, if it weren't her. "For the last twenty-four hours you haven't moved and you've barely said anything! I know you feel bad and I know things are screwed up, but that's no excuse to act like... like this!" she draws breath, suddenly feeling drained. "We all suffer, Yuki." she adds lastly, just glad her voice isn't wobbling.
The wall clock is ticking, surprisingly loud in the following silence while they look at each other. Yuki, sitting there calmly, still a bit pale, and Mayu, standing in the middle of the room, breathing hard and fast. God, it's not even like she meant to say all these things...
"Wow." Yuki murmurs after another second of uncomfortable stillness. "I think, I kinda needed this."
"I'm sorry." Mayu sinks down next to her on the couch, closing her eyes to concentrate on the wild beating of her heart. "I really am. I just don't know..."
There is an infinite sum of endings to this sentence.
I just don't know... what to say anymore.
I just don't know... what's coming next and it's scaring me.
I just don't know... why I'm too cowardly to tell you the truth.
Would it make any difference if she would tell her that it's been her, all these years? That it's never been Rena, never been what she thought it was? Just pretty little lies for ten years and two weeks? Yuki's right, she's already lost Rena. But then again, she's never had her, not really. And would she lose Mayu, too, when the truth would come out?Is this thing between them any more real than the fake connection Yuki bemoans right now?
"Don't be sorry." Yuki's hand on her shoulder, Yuki's laughter in her ears, not quite roaring, but it's a start. "I've already told you, you're way too nice from time to time. It's good to see..." Mayu opens her eyes again, glancing at her in confusion, mouthing a 'What?'. "It's good to see you can be upset, just like everybody else." Yuki actually grins, even if it's a bit crooked and her fingers are still resting on Mayu's arm. "Just good to know... that you care..."
"I've always cared, Yuki." Mayu whispers, somewhere between anger and exhaustion.
Fingers moving on the fabric of her shirt. Too little to call it caress, too much to persuade herself it's merely accidental. They sit there, side by side, touching and not touching at the same time, breathing into the silence until Yuki says: "I know."
It's hard to tell what they're talking about, just now. Sometimes Mayu thinks she should be able to figure out Yuki, because yeah, she sort of knows her really well. But most of the time she isn't even sure if they understand just one of the words they're saying to each other. This could be all, this could be nothing. A chance, a crushing defeat, one of these moments of change and the beginning of something, this something in her chest and also the end of something else. But maybe it's not and her heart is fluttering, when Yuki looks up at her with this wondering expression in her eyes...
"Let's watch this movie you've mentioned, alright?"
The noises of the telly, the bluish light, Yuki's warmth next to her, while it's getting dark.It's all so familiar and so unknown at the same time. The past. The future. Memories and hopes. Whilst Yuki's breath starts to come in constant intervals, Mayu closes her eyes, just for a minute or so. “I just don't know... why this should be everything?”
Two days left..They stroll around Tokyo, not looking for new or old places, but watching everyday life passing by. Just keep on walking, because it's easier to stop thinking when your legs are busy and impressions are filling your eyes and ears. It's started to rain some hours ago, but that's okay. From time to time, a smile is creeping up on Yuki's lips, Mayu can see it through the grey curtains of thin drops. But when Yuki looks at her, she's already turned her head into another direction. Things are simple. Things are complicated. And they're caught somewhere in between...
"You know, in the beginning, after we've moved to New York, I missed Tokyo so much, I missed you and Rena so much..." they're sitting in a coffee shop near Mayu's flat and the rain is dropping from their coats, forming a puddle of water on the floor. "... there was this one day when I took all my pocket money and drove to the airport, all the way by myself." Yuki looks out of the window. "I've never got to the plane, there was no flight at exactly that time and the security was calling my parents, of course..." Mayu wraps her fingers around her coffee mug, enjoying the warmth. "My dad freaked, you should have seen him. There was this... vein, throbbing on his temple, uh, I thought he would kill me." she's shaking her head by now. "He grounded me for almost two weeks. I think he was convinced that I would do it again and that I would succeed this time..."
"Sounds like him." Mayu says, setting down the mug and eyeing Yuki's face. "It's funny though... I've never heard that story," she casts down her eyes. "Not that I remember."
"I've never told anyone about it." Traces of laughter in Yuki's voice. "I was fourteen, and running off was the closest thing I've got to a plan. I was mortified."
The coffee brewer is hissing somewhere in the background, an elderly couple is talking insistently to each other a few tables away and when several students rush out of the rain into the shop, cold air is floating into the room. Mayu can feel it prickling on her neck and her fingers are touching the chilly spot before she even realises what she's doing. Yuki's watching her and it's one of these glances you can actually sense.Intense, curious, a bit pensive.
"It was a difficult time, for all of us." she's very careful not to meet Yuki's gaze and the coffee is hot on her tongue when she sips it. "I wouldn't want to be fourteen again, not for love nor money."
Fourteen, when Yuki moved away.
Fourteen, waiting for her messages, all night long, getting the worst mark she's ever got at maths.
Fourteen, when she just began to understand her confusion.
Also: a decision, a false name, a prelude to this song called adulthood.
"Oh God, me too." It's a bit of a moan, the noise that's escaping Yuki's lips, and suddenly Mayu has a hard time swallowing her hot beverage, eyes focused on the table surface, much like that first night when Yuki just had arrived and both of them were so self-conscious for some seconds.
"I'm glad we've managed in the end." Yuki adds, and meanwhile there's nothing pensive in her voice anymore and Mayu has to look up, whether she wants to or not.
"You mean that we've all managed to get through puberty without ending up on the wrong plane, heading to no-girl's-land?"
"No." The letters are slowly dripping from Yuki's lips, slowly like the raindrops which are still falling from their clothes. "No, I meant this. Us. Being friends again."
Friends. Mayu thinks about the beginning of this day. When she woke up on the couch, close beside Yuki, while the soft, insubstantial morning light was filling the room with ghostlike shapes and she was a bit afraid to move, because it could break the spell...
They've fallen asleep next to one another once before, from time to time, when they were young. Children. When they were friends.
This morning was different, though. The soft whispers of the telly and the even softer movements of Yuki, waking up – not only on Mayu's couch, but almost in her arms. There was this moment when she was sure that one of them would freak, because this is how you usually respond to such a situation, right? Two mates on a couch, more or less snuggled together, because it's been a long night and an even longer day and things like this can happen? But still, you get up and you freak a bit. Just as expected. Because this is what you do, this is how you handle this inadvertent intimacy, this is how you put things in perspective.
Yuki just moved a little, until she could look up at Mayu, out of sleepy, black eyes. her hair was tousled and her voice was husky, so early in the morning, when she murmured 'hello' and no, Mayu's wasn't shivering, but sitting there quietly and waiting for her to grimace at least.
"Did they get together?" Yuki asked, rubbing her eyes and making no move to flee the couch.
"Who?" It was way too early and that was the reason why they were still seated, no more, no less...
"The two people in the movie we've watched. Did they get together in the end?"
To be honest, Mayu didn't remember. she knew they've been watching something, she remembered the dusk and the sound of Yuki's breath filling the room. It was hard to imagine that there had been something else out there...
However, she closed her eyes, licked her lips for a second: "Yes, Yuki. They got together. They always do in Hollywood films."
"That's good." Yuki said after a pause for reflection. "I think it's supposed to be this way..."
When you've been friends for all your life, how do you tell apart the beginnings from the ends...? "Don't you think?" Yuki asks, bringing her back to now and here, into the coffee shop, away from the couch and away from things, spoken between the lines, as unreal as the morning light.
"Oh." Mayu's not sure what to say. "I guess, you're right."
"I guess you're right?" Yuki repeats, trying to sound offended, but failing miserably because she's already starting to laugh. "You know what, Mayu? Sometimes I think I know exactly what you're going to say next and then..." she bows her head, still chuckling. "... you never do."
It's good to hear her laugh, it really is, but Mayu can't shake off the impression that there's something else, something mixed with her amusement, something... New...
"Yuki, I didn't mean--"
"Oh, it's fine, Mayu, it's fine by me." Yuki's grin is fading, slowly but surely and she's taking a deep breath. "I know I've got a lot to make up for. It's not like these ten years have never happened, just because I pop up for two weeks and monopolize you. But..." she trails off. "It would be nice if it'd be that easy..."
Mayu swallows the lump in her throat: "Honestly Yuki, you've got an incomparable talent of ruining perfectly sentimental moments at the last minute, just by reminding me that you're a prat after all."
Yuki smirks: "Is this supposed to be a compliment?"
Mayu draws breath: "It's supposed to be a thank-you."
One day left...The last day.
What are two weeks in summer, compared to your entire childhood? Compared to ten years of writing down all these stupid, great, trivial, extraordinary things – writing down life in some way – and sending them off with just one mouse click to the one and only person you know who will understand why you considered them important, once?What are two weeks in relation to everything else? And what are you supposed to do with this one remaining day, with this fistful of hours, trickling through your fingers like sand?
"Let's stay at home." Yuki says from the kitchen door and Mayu sets down the water boiler, with somewhat shaky fingers and bemusement in her voice.
"What? Yuki, your flight is booked for tonight." Saying it out loud doesn't make it more real, let alone more bearable. "We should do something special, something interesting..." she pauses, searching for the right words to describe her intentions- "... something... culmination-like."
"It's still raining, Mayu." Yuki points at the window and the grey sky on the other side of the glass, arching over Tokyo like a cathedral's ceiling. "Can you believe we were actually sunbathing just a few days ago?" her tone is changing, becoming reflective when she continues. "One week of sunshine, one week of rain... fitting description for such a holiday, don't you think?" she shakes her head, grinning a bit. "See? I'm already getting philosophical, I'm in no condition to go out."
In some way she's right. The weather has changed, it's already getting colder, a glimpse of autumn in late summer. Just another reminder that time's running out...
"I just think we shouldn't waste the whole day by hanging around my flat once again. Isn't there something you want to do, something you want to see?"
Yuki leans against the door frame, furrowing her brow, while she looks at Mayu: "Sometimes I think I've already seen everything that's worth the trouble of getting up every morning."
It's not her choice of words, but the expression in her eyes that makes Mayu almost shiver, even if just on the inside, and she finds herself stuttering for a second: "Do- don't you believe in new perspectives?"
"Oh, I do."
Rain, pattering against the window. Car tyres, splashing through puddles. Their breath, filling the distance between door and room. Outside and inside. So close to each other and yet still apart. How many hours are left, how many minutes...
"But from time to time I think I should learn to be content with the things I've got. The small things, you know?"
Just another memory. Another mail. At another time. Ever and anon, Mayu thinks that she could collect them like autumn leaves, these memories. Colorful, each and every one of them and so alive at one time. she could lay them between the pages of a book, preserving them forever. It's just another way of clinging to the past and she knows it's silly, but then again, isn't everybody made of memories, in some way? Isn't a person a concept of the past, starting out as a thought in their parent's minds, the mere result of everything that's been before? And when the past is all this, when memories are the only safe and constant place in life, what about the future...?
What about you and me...?Mayu clears her throat: "Now you're really getting philosophical. Fortunately I've just read that such a state can be cured. By lots of fresh air."
Yuki's eyes seem to become brighter, every time she smiles like this, like she does now: "I hate it when you get the final word, you know..."
"I can hardly believe it's over." Yuki says, while they walk through the rain-swept streets. "On the one hand, I'm relieved. Two weeks and there's been so much... so many things I wasn't expecting, so much I wished I've never known..." she darts a side glance at Mayu. "On the other hand, I'd really like to stay, just a bit longer..." she shrugs and for a moment she almost sounds insecurely. "Just waiting for... whatever is coming next..."
"Yeah, that would be nice." Mayu replies, keeping her eyes glued to the ground and the tips of her sneakers.
Five words and yet... understatement seems to be too weak a term...
"Oh come on, Mayu." Yuki nudges her in the ribs, just a tiny bit, just enough to catch her attention. "I bet you're looking forward to some peace and quiet. No annoying flatmate anymore. No one to drink all your coffee in the morning, no one to shower when you need to get ready for work--"
"... no one's clothes lying around all over the place, no one who doesn't even consider the possibility of putting out the rubbish once in a while or -- "
"Right." Yuki interrupts her, grinning despite her next words. "Thanks. Good to know that you're so eager to get rid of me."
"I'm not..." Mayu bites on her lips, swallowing the rest of the sentence.
How is it that even their banter makes her feel so breathless now and then? How is it that her heart is beating like she's been running for all her life, running away in some sense? How is it that even this already feels like goodbye?
Yuki takes a deep breath, stopping in her movement and Mayu makes another step, stumbling and unsteady until she comes to a halt, there on the street and they look at each other. Yuki's hands are buried in the pockets of this coat of her, dark and long and there is something like a shadow on her face, something like nightfall in her eyes and Mayu doesn't know what she's supposed to feel right now.
"I..." her shoulders are tense, her whole posture is. "I was just trying to make saying farewell a little bit easier, I guess."
And Mayu feels like an idiot. Wasn't she the one who told Yuki that other people had feelings too? This is goodbye for both of them, not just for her. And that she cares... that Yuki really cares... it just makes things harder, so much harder... They stand there, while second after second is passing by and when Mayu thinks there's no way of taking this any longer, Yuki reaches out her hand and touches her arm, just briefly and her fingertips slide over the rain-soaked fabric, but still.
Another leaf, another memory for your collection... there, there... can you feel the beginning of an end...?"Come on." her voice is close and far away, husky and calm, all at the same time and Mayu thinks that this shouldn't be possible, but it's just the way it is, the way it feels right now, "I think I know what I want to do..."
The playground's deserted, at this hour of the day. Or maybe it's just the rain. Still summer, but it so doesn't feel like it. A few trees are guarding the entrance and when they walk underneath them, the rain drops become merely a lapping, a pounding above their heads. Some strange rhythm. The world's an empty place, on some days.
"You really want to do this?" Mayu asks, while Yuki climbs on the swing.
Somehow it's very quiet around them. The more lively a place is most of the time, the more abandoned it seems when no one's around. It's strange that there's such a word as 'lonelier', but now Mayu thinks she understands. Maybe she'll know for sure when Yuki's gone.
"I'd prefer your granny's garden, but this is the next best thing. Plus, I haven't done that since I was a kid."
The swing is moving up and down with her words and they – Yuki and the syllables, bouncing from her lips with her breath – are floating through the autumn-like air and there is this memory again, the one that maybe started everything, because maybe it was this moment, this one moment in life which is a turning point... And Mayu's watching her, motionless.
What if... What if she had taken her hand on this summer day, in her grandmother's garden? If she had never let her go? What if... this had been their story...?
"Your turn." Yuki's stopped and her cheeks are flushed from the movement and her eyes are glowing with childlike joy.
"Me?" Mayu raises her hands, already smiling, even if she doesn't feel like it. "Are you serious?"
"Of course I am." And then Yuki gets up from the swing, walking up to her and shoving her into the right direction. "Come on, it's fun!"
The seat is a bit wet but then again Mayu's wet all over, thanks to the rain. She starts out slowly, lacking in motivation, because come on, they're not nine anymore... But when her feet leave the ground and she feels the air brushing through her hair, there's a bit of this old feeling and yeah, maybe you never grow up to be an adult, maybe you just learn how to forget.
She's moving, high and higher into the grey sky and she can hear the sound of the chains and the wind in her ears and Yuki's shouting 'I told you so' and she has no idea why she hasn't done this in such a long time, when it still feels so good.
And when she reaches the highest point once more, she lets go of the chains and flies into the damp air, the greyness of the sky and the ground is moving closer and then there is the impact, when her feet touch the muddy earth and she's stumbling for the second time today, except that now there's Yuki. Yuki's arms, Yuki's chest to stop her and then they're standing there, together alone, and Mayu's heart's beating even faster than just a second ago.
A children's game. Playing hide and seek. Playing tag. This one moment of fear, of excitement, when you think you can't take it any longer. Being found and being caught. And this..."You're a bit crazy, you know that?"
You can imagine for all your life what it would feel like to be close to a person, but when you really are, it's never the same. And it's meaningless at this point.
Yuki's hands are on her back, and her breath is there, just a heartbeat away. Water's dripping from her hair, over her face and rain drops are caught in her lashes and Mayu stares, because she's beautiful and she's close and...here...
"A bit crazy and a bit too nice and completely unpredictable." Yuki murmurs, somewhat self-forgotten and Mayu thinks that her skin feels to tight for some reason and maybe she should be worried about this but she isn't, because it seems to be right this way and it's so easy to ignore what's wrong.
"Still trying to make saying goodbye easier?" Mayu whispers through the rain, even if she seems unable to recognize her own voice right now.
"Maybe..." there's a change in her eyes, but her hands are still at the same place and both of them don't move while the moment stretches and the rain is falling around of them, cool and steady from distant skies and Mayu doesn't know anymore if this is supposed to hurt or to to make her smile.
Two weeks in summer and a childhood's memories... and everything in between... that's us...An unknown number of moments left..What's important, anyway? Mayu's eyes are following a drop of rain, trickling all the way down from Yuki's hairline to her jaw, maddeningly slow until it lingers at her chin for a second, one perfect oval, time's frozen... and then it falls. Away down, to the ground where it mingles with the other water drops. Dissolving in something that's even greater, washing away the earth until there's nothing left but the innermost layer. The thing that's actually underneath. The truth. In some way it's this image which brings her down to earth again.
"Mayu..." Yuki breathes, a gleam of fear in her eyes and her fingers are digging into the fabric of her coat.
This is real, isn't it? They're here, they're awake and they're holding each other in this half-accidental, half-intentioned kind of way. Somewhat desperate, somewhat uncomprehending. Because this is also something they didn't expect. And Mayu's surely expected a lot of things. But not this. Not standing out here in the rain with Yuki, looking into this eyes for an endless second and feeling like she should learn how to breathe again. Not this. Not this.
"Mayu?"
Oh, how a whispered name can be everything. A pleading, the expression of joy, a curse. Or a question, in this case. Perhaps it's true that everybody's looking for answers, each and everywhere. It's part of life, part of being human. The wish to discover, to conquer insight. The need to know. Why are we here, where do we go, what's going to happen?
And while Mayu's watching all these queries in Yuki's eyes, hanging on her lips and in the air between them, she knows that she's not the answer. Not the answer to all this confusion, but the reason Yuki doesn't know what to think anymore. Not the cure but the causer of everything that went wrong.
She's convinced her that she was writing to someone else.She let her create a dream, standing on the sidelines when her heart got broken.She made her fall in love with a phantom.
How can you even begin to apologise for something like this...?"Yuki." Mayu says and now it hurts and there's something in her voice that causes Yuki to close her eyes for a second.
When she opens them again, this shimmer, this second, this moment is gone and what's left is nothing but bewilderment. They've been close for these last days. They've been through lovesickness and parties, through sun and rain and of course these are things that bring you together in some sort of way, even if it's just a feeling and not something that's actually there. From time to time you need someone to hold onto and then you let go again and it's supposed to be alright. It's supposed to be everything.
"I think it's time to go." Mayu whispers and maybe six words shouldn't be this painful but they are...
People, noises, rush. An airport, so to speak, but Rena isn't here this time to tell her what's so great about all this and Mayu doesn't remember what she said.It seems odd, almost impossible that two weeks should be over, already, and while they're standing there, waiting for Yuki's flight, Mayu catches herself looking around for something. Something that's not actually there, but maybe if you look hard enough, you'll see it, hear it, anyway. Maybe she's looking for themselves, some kind of reflection of the day when they came to meet her here. Echoes of Rena's laughter and traces of Yuki's smile and a vision of herself, somewhere in that picture.
Just ghosts, shadows, memories, right? So much change and yet this appears to be everything that's left. Yuki's turning from the destination board, artificial lighting reflected in her eyes and a strange smile on her lips. How is it that it makes Mayu's insides turn around, nevertheless?
"Gotta get ready." her hand reaches for the bag, but then she stops in the movement, looking up at Mayu. "So this is goodbye, huh?"
"I guess there's no way to make it easier, actually." Mayu says, shrugging softly and somewhere in the background a coffee brewer is hissing.
How is it that everything, every tiny little detail I come across, reminds me of you?They're walking up to the flight desk when Yuki draws breath again: "I still..." she shakes her head, like she isn't happy at all with the sound of her voice. "I never would have guessed that it would turn out like this. Each and everything... was completely different from what I've imagined. And now..." she trails off and Mayu bites her lip.
"I'm sorry it didn't work out... for you and Rena..."
There it is. An apology. Meaning nothing and everything and it's almost painful to spit it out, because it should be more, so much more, but then again, is there a way to apologize for ten years of lying?
I never wanted to lose you and maybe that's what started everything in the first place..."That's... okay. It'll be okay, one day. I'll manage." Yuki replies quietly and there's an unreadable expression on her face. "But it's still strange..." she's looking somewhere else, up to the ceiling, to the coffee shop, but not at Mayu, like she'd be afraid the words won't come when she'd look her in the eye. "I came here to find her, finally. And then I... found you. I found you again." she's taking a deep breath, laughing at the same time. "I know it sounds cheesy and stupid and sentimental." she's glancing at her, briefly. "What I meant to say is 'Thank you', I guess."
"You don't have to thank me, Yuki." Mayu murmurs and she's serious.
"I think I do." she pauses for a second, before their eyes meet eventually, holding each other for the longest moment (forever is such a big word when you feel so small). "For everything. If only for being there..."
A slow, hesitant smile, there at the crowded airport, between businessmen and tourists. Lonely travelers and families. Embittered couples and newly enamoured lovers. An honest smile and all these feelings are there, together at once, almost too much and yet not enough. It's never enough.
Mayu opens her mouth, because if there's something like the right moment to speak up, then it's now. And then she hears the song. There's this girl, just a few steps away and the earphones of her MP3 player are hanging on her shoulders like little black snakes. The music is quiet, of course it is, but it's there and it's this song.
Just when I was getting over you...
Yuki's hearing it too, Mayu can see it in her eyes and her smile doesn't cease, but there is the hint of a sigh, stuck in her throat, when she remarks: "You know, somebody told me this is the saddest song in the world..." she casts down her eyes and Mayu can start to breathe again, suddenly, "Maybe there's some truth in it, after all."
Baby here we stand again
Like we've been so many times before...
"Goodbye, Yuki." Mayu says and her voice is a lot more steady than the beating of her heart.
"Goodbye, Mayu."
It's hard to tell what she's thinking, when she takes her bag and walks away to the check-in counter. Her face is somewhat blank and her fingers are closing tightly around the strap, like she'd need some kind of support, something to remind her where and who she is. But then again, that's probably not the case... just wishful thinking, once more... When she's almost there, she turns around again and Mayu feels like she's having some kind of déjà vu. How is it that she's always the one to watch her leave? Yuki's lips move, at first there is no sound, before she utters the words Mayu's been afraid of, without even knowing it: "Maybe... maybe you could write me, once in a while."
"I think I could." Mayu says and it's the biggest lie of all.
Here comes those tears again...
Mayu still doesn't know how to call this something in her chest, but probably it wouldn't change even a damn bit if she had a name for it. It would stay the same, because it hasn't altered since she's been eleven and was laying on Yuki's bedroom floor, panting for breath and trying to understand why some tickling caused her to nearly choke down her giggle. Why her laughter slowly died away and all she could see were Yuki's blue eyes in the light of an autumn afternoon. It was later, so much later when she realized that this had been the first time someone's made her feel this way.
Call it desire, call it love, call it destiny. So many names for just one feeling and yet you can't even begin to make sense of it. All that she knows it that she can't stay and watch the plane moving up into the sky. She stood there and watched Yuki's father's car, driving off, ten years ago and it never stopped to hurt, not for a single second.
When she steps out into the rain, her phone is ringing and yes, maybe it's only fantasy that writes mails, whereas life makes a call...
"Hello?"
"Mayu?"
"Rena? What's going on? Where are you?"
She can hear her sighing, a bit guiltily: "I'm at your place. Let myself in with the replacement key." And she continues, before she's got the chance to react. "Sorry, I know it's for emergencies, but I really need my salad bowl and I just remembered that I left it on your table, last week."
"That's why you're calling?" Mayu doesn't know whether to laugh or to cry. It just seems so silly, so trivial, that the world just keeps on moving, no matter what happens to you. No matter how much you feel like it's stopped, "Yuki just left." she explains when she remains silent.
"Oh." Rena draws breath. "I'm sorry, Mayu." It's strange, listening to someone, calling you from your own place, when you're somewhere else, out in the cold, feeling like you've lost something even if it's maybe just another chance. "I know I should have been there. I didn't mean to..." she's almost whispering, "I just want things to work out this time. I really do."
"It's alright," she says and maybe it is. "She'll manage."
She laughs, silently and somewhat cautiously: "I'm not so sure about that. she's still very dependent on other people, don't you think?"
She doesn't know what she thinks, but she keeps on talking anyway: "That's not why I called, though. There was a letter under the bowl, I guess that's why you didn't see it, but it's from New York University and I thought it could be important."
"You've opened it." Mayu says, already knowing that it's true, but still not fully understanding the meaning of her words.
"Yeah..." she only sounds remorsefully for another second. "Oh Mayu, they want to invite you for an interview, can you believe it?" she can hear the heartfelt joy in her voice and maybe she should feel the same but she doesn't. "The thing is that you'll have to show up on Saturday. Which is--"
"Soon." Mayu interrupts, her throat suddenly dry, for wrong reasons once more. "Really soon."
She clicks her tongue and she can imagine her enthusiastic nod: "Right. It's too bad you didn't see it before, you could have taken the same flight as Yuki."
Two weeks, trying to make it through the presence, without getting lost in the past. And almost ruining the future, somewhere along the line. Maybe ten years are enough. Maybe it's time to let go...
"Don't tell Yuki." Mayu says, before she can restrain herself and she bites her lip.
Rena keeps silent for some seconds: "So you didn't get along?"
"That's not the point."
"What's the point then, Mayu?"
She takes a deep breath: "The point's that we're looking at the same things, only to see something entirely different."
How is it that some goodbyes hurt the most, after you've already said them and before you start to realise their meaning...?Mayu knows she should be excited. It's just one amongst the million different things she should be, the million things she should do. she should be thankful, she should be nervous. she should laugh and worry and most of all she should start to get over it.But in the end, there's just this hollow feeling inside, because something is missing. But how can you lose something you never had? How can you make everyone else understand when you're lacking all the right words? And how are you supposed to smile, when all you want to do is to forget? Mayu tries hard, she really does. Forgetting, that is.
Getting childhood dreams of swings and smiles, sunbeams and little starts off her mind. Trying to repress the memory of teenage longing, of a hot, soundless summer day when there was nothing but the beating of her heart and her breath in the heavy air and then Yuki's name on her lips, over and over again, until it became just a whisper and for a second she felt like this could bring her closer, back again, in some way... It would be so much easier if she could only forget.
But sometimes the things that should be easiest are the ones you can never achieve.And that's why she's sitting there, on a hotel bed at the end of the world (it feels like that, at least) and her mind is filled with memories. Nothing but old feelings in a new city.Maybe it doesn't make any difference where you are, when you're lonely.
And a hotel room is probably the perfect place to feel like this. Anonymity in some way. Who's been here before, who's going to stay when you've left? Can be applicable to another town as well. For all you know you could be somebody else, reinvent yourself, making a fresh start. Instead of staring out of the window, where the starless sky is turning black above all these lights and the people walking through the streets. Just another Friday evening in late summer and the world still refuses to acknowledge the fact that things stopped to make sense a while ago. And every time she closes her eyes, she can see Yuki's face and this one last smile.
She didn't plan on sleeping tonight, anyway. With a sigh she gets up from her bed, walking through the room to her suitcase and picking up her laptop and her phone. There must be something which is able to distract her.
The display shows her that she missed four calls. One new voice mail. While she boots the computer and clicks through the menu until she reaches her e-mail account (old habits die hard), she tucks the phone between ear and shoulder, listening to the electronic voice, head tilted to one side and her tongue pressed again her teeth.
"Mayu?" Rena once more and she sounds so confused that she freezes, right there on the bed. "Mayu, it's me. I'm sorry if I'm interrupting your preparations for the interview, but... I don't know... it's just..." she draws breath and then she laughs and it's a nervous laughter, which makes her just more anxious. "God, I sound so stupid, don't worry, alright? Nothing bad happened. Just..." she can hear her licking her lips before she utters the next two words. "Yuki called."
Mayu's hands are hovering over the keyboard and her eyes are glued to the screen.
New mail."It was totally unexpected." Rena continues and for one second she's almost forgotten about her, because her heart is beating so goddamn fast when she reads the e-mail address.
"I'm not sure I'll ever see through her, she's so weird from time to time." It's quite easy to imagine how she was shaking her head, making her dark hair moving around her face like a beautiful frame. "I told her that I was sorry I couldn't make it to the airport and she said she was fine, but honestly, she didn't sound like it... not at all." She says and Mayu listens, breathless.
"But when I asked her what was wrong and if I could do something for her, she just laughed like this would be some kind of brilliant joke." She clears her throat. "Anyways, she said she was trying to call you, but your phone was off and then she murmured something about asking me a question and well..." she clicks her tongue and strangely she thinks that this must be some sort of quirk, because she does it a lot when she's nervous, but it never occurred to her before and it seems so meaningless right now, but she still can't dismiss the thought. "She asked me if I would remember this one time, chasing dragons on a frozen sea, well something along these lines and I'm sorry, but I had to giggle, even if I couldn't get rid of the feeling that she was serious about it..."
Mayu closes her eyes and the room, the screen, the world vanishes, but Rena's voice is still in her ear, coming out of the warm phone, reminding her that this is actually happening.
"I said no and then I could hear her taking a breath, like this was maybe not the answer she's wanted to hear, but the one she's been expecting." Rena lowers her voice. "And then she thanked me, it was so strange. Mayu, I know you probably don't want to talk to her, but she sounded so sad and..." she breathes into the receiver. "... and I kinda told her you're in New York." a little pause and then another whisper, "I'm sorry."
And then the joint is cut off and the signal is filling Mayu's ear. The phone slips away, falling down on the covers where the display is still glowing in the darkened room for some seconds, before it goes black. So that's it, right? The end of a call, the end of... something. Of something that's been everything for the last ten years.
Mayu's finger are shaking just a bit, when she opens the mail. It's peculiar. There are things you're totally used to and then – one day – they seem to become something completely alien, like you've never did them before. Letters, black on white. It's the first time that reading Yuki's mail makes her feels like this. Foreign, strange, troubling...
Dear Mayu,
Do you know what they say about coincidence and fate?
I've never believed in something like that. There's no evidence either way...
But I do believe in human stupidity.
Let me tell you a story about two people.
One of them is a terrible liar.
She stood there on a summer day, watching somebody else fall in love for the very first time.
She had a hard time to breathe around that person, for the following years.
She witnessed a kiss and even if she was supposed to laugh, because she was young (and that's what you do) she just stared and it was another beginning.
She said goodbye when she was fourteen and she did it again when she was twenty-four, and each and every time it meant something more, and the unspoken words were still hanging on her lips when she got small and smaller in the driving mirror or vanished at the crowded airport.
She was smiling so many times, but seldom if ever it reached her eyes.
She could be caught looking at that person, but she never said a word.
She tried to be happy for everybody else, but she never tried to be happy for herself.
The other one is an idiot.
A stupid, blind, bloody idiot
She should have seen all these things, she should have listened to the words between the lines, she should have known that this wasn't everything.
She should have realized that the truth was right in front of her eyes, but she didn't.
However, they have something in common.
They share ten years and every little dream. Hopes and letdowns and all these little things defining life.
And both of them fail at happiness.
PS: They also say the saddest song in the world is every single one they play, whenever a story comes to an end...
YukiShe persuades herself that it's all right. It isn't. She's telling her mirror image that it's not that bad. It is. She tries to move on, because it's everything that's left to do. But she can't. Maybe it's a good thing that she feels so numb, so unreal, so not-exactly-here when she leaves the hotel the next day to go to the interview. Maybe it's supposed to make everything easier. She's there and she talks about the past and the future. About the things she can do (pretending not being one of them anymore...), about the plans she's got, about prospects and about what's coming next. she seems to make a good impression. Maybe she'll even get the place at university. And she couldn't care less.
Saturday night in a hotel room. Not the end of the world, but the beginning of something new.
For the first time in ten years we could live in the same city, again.Yours, mine, ours. It's not important anymore, right?
Mayu's lying on the bed, motionless, staring up to the ceiling, when there's a knock at the door. Walking up to the other end of the room... it seems to take ages, but when she opens the door, time really does stop and maybe the wall clock's frozen too, because there's no sound. No sound at all, until one of them speaks up.
"You're really here." Yuki says and the door handle is cold under Mayu's fingertips.
"So are you," she responds, watching the tired expression in her eyes and feeling lost for another second. "What are you doing here, Yuki?"
"Hotel belongs to one of my father's friends. she helped me along." She's standing there in the hallway, soft light drawing shadows on her face. "You didn't reply to my message." The words are there, filling the air between them, almost oppressively and yet Mayu doesn't know what to say. "And you've always replied to my messages." Yuki adds.
"What do you want to hear?" Mayu takes a deep breath and it's hard, oh it's so hard to look her in the eye right now. "What do you want me to say, Yuki?"
"I don't know." Yuki murmurs lastly, keeping her eyes glued to Mayu's face. "Just... tell me something that's real."
She knew it would hurt, but it's worse than she's imagined it, so much worse: "The name was fake. Everything else wasn't." she casts down her eyes, because she can't take it any longer. "Everything else was me."
"Yes." Yuki utters and then it's quiet around them.
So damn quiet. No traffic noises, no muffled laughter, no rain. Just silence.
Is this what's left of us? Is this what we've become, the way we'll grow apart?"I..." Mayu says and it's like she has to learn how to talk again. "I'm..." Another deep breath. "I want to say I'm sorry, but I don't think that's enough."
"Maybe." There's Yuki's sigh in this empty hotel hallway. "I don't know..."
The door handle is still so cold under Mayu's skin when she starts to close the door.
So that's how you begin an ending, right?"Mayu. That's not..." And she stops, looking up from the floor, out of the room and into Yuki's eyes once more. "Do you...?" Yuki begins, only to interrupt herself and her voice her husky, when she starts again. "Do you remember this one time when I was in love with you?" Words, stumbling over her lips. "Madly, truly, painfully amazing in love with you?" she makes a step, towards the half-closed door. "Only that I didn't realise it was you? That it's been you for all this time?"
There is a lump in Mayu's throat and her heart is beating wildly when she replies: "You know that the game's over, when you say something that's true..."
Yuki's eyes have never been this shining, not until now while she looks at Mayu, really looks at her (not for the first time in life, but maybe for the first time since she understands): "I think the time for games is over, anyway."
And then she closes the distance between them and her hands are on Mayu's arms, on Mayu's shoulders, in her hair, until they're cupping her face. They're both breathing faster, already, their faces separated by nothing but an inch of air and this small rest of hesitancy, because this is almost too much. Incredible. And new.
"Mayu." Yuki breathes, before she's pulling her closer and their lips are brushing against each other.
It's a reluctant kiss, at first. Starting out as a peck, a bit clumsy, a bit insecure. But then Mayu's moving nearer and her chest is pressed against Yuki's and... right there, their beating hearts, together, not in the room, not in the hallway, but in between. And right there the kiss deepens, Yuki's lips becoming warm under her own and she can taste them, can taste Yuki... Shared breaths and endless seconds. Yuki's fingertips on her skin, the movement of her lips, the warmth of her body. They've never been this close.
How long can you take it, waiting for a kiss you're sure of you'll never get? And what do you do when everything is changing, once more?"Yuki..." Mayu says, when they break apart to gasp for air. "Yuki..."
Indeed, a whispered name can be a lot of things. Mostly a question, because apparently there are always more of them than answers.
"Yes." Yuki's face is still so close and there is something like a smile at the corners of her mouth. "Yes, me too."
Mayu closes her eyes, leaning into the embrace, inhaling her scent: "So... the two people in your story... they got together in the end?"
Yuki's breath is brushing her skin when she replies: "They always do, remember?" And they keep silent, standing there and holding each other and... this is real, huh...?
"But it wasn't the end, it was a beginning." Yuki whispers and finally the world's starting to move again.
So many letters, so many ways to form a word. Writing down your name. Writing down my song. Writing the story of our lives...Dear Yuki
ENDMomo~ I hope you can comment or criticize on this fic a little about what you think...
If it's not good enough or boring, just tell me and I'll write another one for you~
Merry belated Christmas and a Happy New Year, Momo... *hugs*
Topic: SECRET FRIEND GAME (Read 8962 times)