back on track. this was the 3rd hardest chapter to write, a 6 month gap between this and part 14 when I wrote it awhile back.
anyway, hopefully it's reader friendly this time. I tried to space out my paragraphs as much as I can. But now it just looks super long.
--------------------------
Part 15"Hey." Miki greeted Aya.
"Hi." Aya greeted her back. "How are you?"
Miki shrugged her shoulders apathetically as Aya moved from the door to let her inside. Miki felt like she had stepped foot into Aya's apartment for the first time. It felt painfully awkward being there and she almost didn't recognize the place though it still looked the same since the last time she was there almost a month ago.
"Do you want anything to drink or something?" Aya offered but Miki quickly sat down on the couch without saying a word. Aya got the hint and sat on the opposite end of the couch from Miki. There they remained silent, hardly looking at each other. A sigh or yawn would come up every few minutes. Aya could just barely see Miki fiddling with her fingers in the corner of her eye. She found it annoying but not as annoying as the silence between them. She was sure that Miki felt just as uncomfortable and awkward as she was. They were never like this, not then, why now? They always had something to talk about, it didn't matter what it was. Aya sighed in frustration for she knew it was up to her to do something, she did invite Miki over after all.
"What's up?" She finally spoke up, for lack of a better question.
She heard Miki sigh, more like scoff, in response but it got her to stop fiddling with her fingers. She could think up a hundred, no, an infinite number of things on her mind right now. Most of them began with "why?". Why this? Why that? But before Miki could open her mouth to say something, her eyes caught something on the coffee table. It appeared to be the newest issue of FRIDAY, this time it didn't mention anything about Aya. She was relieved but something else caught her eye. She leaned in closer and read the headline, "Exclusive: Pictures of Morning Musume member and Boyfriend."
"Is that-" Miki finally spoke.
"Yaguchi-san?" Aya finished for her and nodded. "Yeah, all that for being with someone."
"What? Is that why she quit? That's ridiculous!" Miki retorted. She never heard such an excuse. "Ugh! What's going on? Because I don't know anymore. Everything's gone crazy!" She leaned her head back and let out a loud grunt.
"Yeah, she really freaked out." Aya spoke quietly, staring off across the room. She caught Miki's attention who now sat up and listened to her. "Should've heard how scared she was when she got caught. She called me after it happened. It was that same night you did your radio show with Yossi and-"
"Huh?" Miki interrupted. "How did you know about that?" She asked because she knew that show never aired.
Aya covered her mouth and silently cursed to herself for bringing up something Miki didn't want to hear. "I mean, I was there, at the radio station. I came to see you but you just ran out of there. What happened?" She asked, though she already knew what happened.
"Nothing." Miki answered her coldly. Just the answer she expected from her, Aya thought. She turned her attention now to the Friday magazine on the table and picked it up. She flipped through the pages till she found the pictures of Mari and Shun.
"Yaguchi-san and I have been talking lately." She started. "She calls me because she was concerned about you, especially after what happened to me last month. She figured my scandal must've affected you. But, even I didn't know what was going on with you 'cause you were always avoiding me since it happened." She took a deep breath as she continued. "She called me on that day you didn't show up for work, you know? I guess I forgot that I've put her on hold and she overheard us, the argument and all."
She looked at Miki who sat there unresponsive. "Yeah. But that night when she got caught she was really freaking out. She thought she had ruined everything, ruined Morning Musume. She thought she had let you guys down. She was just going crazy over it. I tried to help, but, I don't know what I could've done for her. She always talked about trying to find some way to resolve it, some way to get out of it, and I guess it had to come down to this. I wish it could've happened some other way." She looked at Miki again who was fiddling with her hands once more. "She must've found out about you quitting the group, so she took your place instead. Funny how things turn out like that, ne?"
Miki shrugged her shoulders. "That still doesn't make it right." She mumbled.
"I know." Aya answered quietly. "But in a way I'm thankful for her doing what she did, if that means anything to you. If I was in her situation I wouldn't know what to do. Aren't you at least grateful that you didn't have to leave? I mean, for what? You didn't do anything. I know deep inside you didn't want to leave, not because of me but because you really do love being in Morning Musume, right?" Miki didn't respond but sat there staring blankly at nothing. "You didn't mean what you said the other day, did you?" Aya asked her.
Miki didn't respond again but after a few seconds she finally shook her head.
"Then why say all those things?" Aya added.
Miki sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "You know me, right? Whatever's on my mind comes right out of my mouth, no matter how absurd it is."
Aya silently nodded in response and looked down at the floor. Her face was suddenly overcome by guilt and regret.
"Miki," She nearly choked saying her name. She turned and faced Miki, who sat quietly with her eyes closed now. "I'm so sorry. This whole thing is my fault."
"Then why did you do it?" Miki asked calmly.
"I don't know. I was afraid, I guess." Aya answered hesitantly.
"Afraid? Of what?"
"Of...falling in love with you." Aya finally admitted. Miki opened her eyes this time. She turned her head and finally looked at Aya. Did she hear her right or did she just imagined that? Even with the pained look on her face Aya still looked beautiful, Miki thought. She gave her a look for her to continue.
"I mean, I knew about this for a long time and I've acted like I had no clue. I just didn't know what to think of it. I mean, I didn't mind all that touchy feely stuff, taking baths together, sleeping in the same bed, whatever. But then, I don't know, things just got weird, ok? I mean us, how can we be? You know? You probably don't care what others think but I can't help it. Who I am and what I do, it's a serious thing. So, I'm sorry for frustrating you this whole time but you have no idea how hard it was for me. You know the consequences, being in this business, right? People try to find any little bad thing about you and tear you apart with it. So I tried everything I could to keep us from getting closer. I wanted to say that you joining Morning Musume was sort of a miracle, but I would hate myself if I said that. So I figured if I pretended I was going out with Keita or any guy that it would get rid of all the gossip and rumors about us. I'd rather see myself with someone else on those tabloids, not us. I just didn't have the heart to tell you directly and that really killed me inside. I didn't want to hurt you and I didn't want to lose my best friend."
She looked at Miki whose face was tight and still, not knowing what kinds of feelings she was holding back inside. "The truth is," Aya continued. "The more I tried to push you away the stronger my feelings were for you. And it finally hit me that I realized I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I was only making things worse. I just got so caught up on protecting my career that I didn't realize the other things that were important to me. So forgive me, Mikichan."
"And that's the truth?" Miki concluded.
"
Hai. Stupidest thing I've ever done, huh?"
"It's not all your fault." Miki replied with an unexpected answer.
"Eh?" Aya huffed, caught off guard by Miki's response.
"Hearing all that now, from your point of view, it sounds like it's my fault. I mean, I'm the one who caused you all this frustration. Making you worry. Making you do things you wouldn't do. Making you not you. I didn't think loving you would cause all this. And furthermore, did you really do it for us? I guess was just too selfish trying to have you that I didn't realize it. Hearing all this from you now, I sound like some monster."
"No, you're not." Aya replied. "We're both at fault."
Miki sighed and shrugged. Things didn't turn out as bad as she expected, it could've been worse, she thought. At least she now knew how Aya felt about all this. She glanced up at the clock on the wall and realized time went by a little too fast. She turned to Aya one last time. "Well. It's late now, I should be going." She stood up from the couch and started to head toward the door until she felt a tug her on her shirt sleeve.
"Please, stay." Aya pleaded, gently pulling Miki back to the couch. "I really missed you, Miki. It feels like forever since I've seen you. Things are not the same without you around. You don't have to say anything just stay for awhile, please?" Miki agreed to stay and leaned back into the couch. Another awkward silence. What now? Aya told her she didn't have to say anything but Miki hated doing nothing, she came to realize.
"This is stupid." Aya spoke up again, breaking the silence. "I mean, we're best friends, right? We should be able to tell each other everything and anything. Keeping things from each other would only lead to things like this." She turned to Miki. "So, let's make a promise to each other."
"Promise?" Miki repeated.
Aya nodded. "To never keep secrets from each other, to be honest to each other, no matter what it may be. Ok?" She added though it sounded rather plain and all things cheesy.
Miki looked into Aya's eyes and saw sincerity and remorse in them. Of course she couldn't refuse her, no matter what wrong she may have done. She nodded her head and accepted the promise. Aya smiled as she now extended her hand to Miki, her pinky finger pointed at her. Miki saw it and chuckled a bit. Of course, it was like Aya to do silly things such as confirming serious things with a pinky promise.
"Kinda childish, don't you think?" Miki pointed out, but Aya shot her a serious look. Miki responded to it with a smirk and complained no further. She locked her pinky finger with Aya's, giving it a little squeeze before finally releasing their fingers. That was probably the first time they've had physical contact in awhile. Even with that tiny touch Miki could feel it radiating up her arm, giving her goosebumps. Along with that Aya beamed her Ayaya smile at her which she hadn't seen in awhile either. Aya then turned her head and chuckled lightly into the air.
"What's funny?" Miki asked.
"I just didn't expect things to turn out this way." Aya replied. "I thought you'd explode and chew me out by now. I really thought this would be the last time we would ever speak to each other."
"Eh? You really do think I'm a monster?" Miki said hurtfully. "You believe all that
Badass Miki Fujimoto junk everyone labels me?"
"Haha, no, I didn't say that." Aya laughed out. It lightened up the mood, finally. Miki was glad to see Aya smiling again. A sign that told her that everything's going to be ok, hopefully. Aya then yawned loudly and rubbed her eyes. "I guess I'm feeling tired now."
Miki hesitated for a moment but finally responded by patting her lap, offering it for Aya to lay on.
"Are you sure?" Aya replied and Miki nodded. Aya gently laid her head on Miki's lap and stretched herself across the couch. It felt a bit weird, she thought, for it was always her doing that to Miki. This time it was the other way around and she found herself liking it. "I've always wondered how it was like from here." She smiled, then she closed her eyes. Miki's heart began to flutter as always but deep inside her heart was a pain that would never go away. She suddenly felt a pressure against her chest.
"How long has it been? Hmm? Since we've known each other?" Aya suddenly asked.
Miki thought for moment though she knew exactly how long ago it was. She could vividly see it in her mind, something she could never forget. It was the greatest moment of her life. But instead she responded with, "A long time, it seems."
"Yeah? Like forever, huh?" Aya replied, yawning in between. "So, what are you doing tomorrow?"
"The usual," Miki answered. "Taping shows and futsal practice. Gets a bit boring after awhile."
"Yeah, I get bored too doing TV and radio shows every week, shooting CMs, rehearsals and all." Aya commented. "Yet, I still love doing them."
Miki stared at Aya's face, following the contours of her profile with her eyes. The feeling in her thigh was beginning to feel numb by the weight of Aya's head but she didn't want to disturb Aya in such a peaceful state. She suddenly found herself leaning over, her face inching closer to Aya's. She closed her eyes and leaned further but stopped herself. Aya's breath tickled her face but she sat back up. Aya didn't noticed anything.
"I want to know something." Miki blurted.
"Hmm?" Aya mumbled half asleep.
"Since we're being honest and all now, do you...do you still have feelings for me?" Miki let it out.
Aya cracked open her eyes. The atmosphere suddenly got serious again. She thought for a bit and looked up at Miki. "Miki, you mean alot to me and I don't want to lose what we have. But..."
But. That word that everyone dreads to hear popped up. "But, with everything that went on in the last few months and now the situation with Yaguchi-san, I just feel that it wouldn't be appropriate to be involved in something right now. You know?"
Miki nodded her head. "Oh, I understand." She replied, though to her it meant that it will never happen. Aya turned on her side now and Miki followed the outline of her body, sloping up her shoulders and down her arms then up again to her hips and down her legs. She was so tempted to touch her, even if it was just the strands of her hair, but she resisted. She thought of what to say next, at the same time pins and needles crept up and down her leg. She couldn't find a way to stop it and alas jerked her knee up suddenly causing Aya to wake up.
"I'm sorry," Aya mumbled apologetically, "Was your leg hurting?"
"No, I'm fine. It's ok." Miki assured, insisting Aya to lay back down and she did. Miki sighed as she gathered the courage to say the next thing on her mind. "Are you happy, Aya?"
"Hmm? Of course." She replied. "I'm glad we got this over with."
"I mean, are you really happy with your life right now?" Miki corrected.
Aya shifted a little, just enough to see Miki in the corner of her eye. "I really don't know what's going to happen." She replied. "I have so many things on my mind right now. I find myself changing my mind all the time. Sometimes I don't know what I'm feeling, if it's real or if it'll pass by after awhile." She turned over on her back again and closed her eyes. "I wonder sometimes if I could ever live a normal life again. The idol life is hard but I've gotten so used to it. But then, I dread the day when I'll stop being an idol. I just don't want things to change. My future seems bright and all, but it scares me sometimes."
"Heh, you sound like an old man." Miki responded jokingly. "You're still young. You're far from retirement. Who knows, you'll probably be even bigger than you are now. You never know what's out there unless you give it a chance. Just don't give up singing."
"Nah, I don't think I can ever let go of that. It's the best thing I've ever done." Aya beamed with a smile. "I couldn't see myself doing anything else. Don't you love it too? Singing and performing for people? Making them happy? It's the greatest feeling in the world. If I could turn back time, I'd do it all over again."
"Yeah." Miki responded quietly. With that response from Aya, her fate was sealed. It dawned on Miki that as much as she was important to Aya, she still could not compete with Aya's love for her career. Not this time, she thought.
"Stop talking now. It's so late. Let's go to bed, ok?" Aya suggested. "You know, you're always welcome to stay in--" She stopped abruptly for something fell on her face. She opened her eyelids and it went into her eye. Her reaction was to blink and it the liquid trickled out of her eye and down her cheek. She wiped her face. It was warm and wet.
Tears? She realized and looked up at Miki, whose face was streaked with them. Aya sat up now and looked at her. "Miki? What's wrong?"
Miki broke away from her daze. She didn't noticed that she was crying. "Oh, I'm sorry." She apologized, trying to compose herself. She wiped her tears with her shirt sleeve and glanced at Aya, giving her an embarassed smirk. "I was just thinking about something." She started to explain. "I thought about it yesterday. About everything that happened in the last few months. I don't want it to happen again." She looked at Aya and she agreed with her. "You've been through alot because of me, and I feel so bad about that. I don't ask for much, you know? But I guess I can't even have that. So, I thought about it and I've decided I'm going to let you go."
"What?" Aya was caught off guard by Miki once again. "What are you saying, Miki?"
"I'm going to stop chasing you, Ayachan. Just think about it. You said you were serious about who you are and what you do. And I don't think you'd want to live a life of secrecy and risk everything you have, huh? I wouldn't forgive myself if I knew that I was the one keeping you from doing what you want. Besides, I realize there are things that I can never give you. It wouldn't work out anyway."
"What are you saying? You want to start over or something? Back before this whole thing happened?" Aya replied, still a bit puzzled by what Miki's getting at.
"It'd be better if you never knew me." Miki answered. She looked down at the floor, suddenly feeling ashamed to look at Aya. "All I want is for you to be happy, Aya. I don't want you to worry anymore. Just go on and live your life. I can see it in your heart that you really love what you do and I don't want to interfere with it anymore."
"Don't say things like that. What about you? How are you going to feel?" Aya asked her.
"I'll be fine." Miki assured. "I know it's going to hurt like hell, maybe the worst thing I'll ever feel, but I'll endure it. I'll get over it eventually."
Aya was quite amazed to see how well Miki was handling herself in such a mature fashion, but she didn't think what she was saying made sense. Why would Miki suddenly say that? She figured it was one her
speak without thinking talk again but she seemed serious this time.
"I don't understand why you're doing this, Miki. This isn't you." She found herself reaching over to Miki, holding her close to her. "Why are you giving up like that? I want you to be happy too. Can't we just go back to then, as friends? Can't you at least keep me in your heart?" She felt Miki's arms around her, embracing her warmly but her body started to tremble in her arms. "Miki?"
"It hurts." Miki started to cry again. "It doesn't matter if I'm with you or not, I'll always feel this way. I feel like I'm dying. It's too much. I don't want to suffer anymore. If I wait any longer, I feel I might lose you forever."
"Lose me? You never did. I'm always here. Even if we aren't meant to be, at least always be there for me. And I will always be there for you too." She gave her a little kiss on her forehead. "I've hurt you so much for so long. Please forgive me and let me make it up to you somehow. I love you, Miki. I mean it."
"Please, let me go." Miki cried into Aya's shoulder. "Everything I've done wrong, yet you were still kind to me. I really don't deserve to be loved by you. What can I do for you?" She released her hold on Aya and let her arms fall limp.
Aya held her tighter. Miki's body continued to tremble in her arms. It made tears well up in her eyes now. "You fool," She whispered. "Why are you doing this? I even cried your tears. I'm not going to let you go."
She felt Miki trying to free herself but Aya only held on tighter, determined to keep it up all night if she had to. They both struggled to keep up their battles against the Sandman but they were both losing. They were drained, physically and emotionally, locked in an intimate embrace but the feelings weren't there. Aya could only think helplessly about the girl who was a complete mess in her arms. She suddenly felt a pain growing inside her chest. It was from guilt. She realized she had already broken their promise...no secrets.
I want to be with you, Miki. That is what I want. She wanted to say all this time but the words never came out.
Topic: Milestone: A Reluctant Idol (complete) (Read 35057 times)