hello minna-san... still remember me?
can't believe i've been MIA for 8 mos!
i'm so so sorry... please forgive me
but still i came back... because i promised to finish my wmatsui no matter what
The Forbidden Dance
Chapter 20"Jurina."
No... please, not this dream again. I've always been having the same dream of meeting her like a thousand times already. I'm afraid that if I touch her, she'll only disappear once more and I'd wake up alone in my empty room.
"Is it okay if I come in?" She asked.
Ahh.. I thought I'll never hear her voice this clear... this near. This dream seems a bit more realistic than the others, I wonder how much time left before I wake up. Her face also looks clearer this time. By looking closely, some of her features has changed, even her hair grew longer.
"Rena?" She called my name.
She suddenly shakes my arm and we touched. Her touch felt warm on my skin. Why am I not still waking up? My goodness... she is... real... isn't she? I can't believe this is actually happening... that she's really right here, right now... infront of me.
"I-I'm sorry... I-I... uhm... please come in." I answered, almost forgot how to respond.
She only gave me a smile and followed me inside. This is so embarassing, we meet again for the first time in three years and yet I acted strange infront of her. She caught me completely lost at the moment earlier and I can't even recall how long I stood there, only staring blankly at her. I tried to compose myself as I lead her the way in and then offered her a seat. I noticed her looking quietly around every corner of our house.
"Please excuse our place, I know the house is small and already old." I told her shyly as I realized how unprepared our place today is. "Also, we didn't expect anyone to visit us that is why I haven't finished the chores."
"Oh, don't mind me... I'll just sit right here. You can continue whatever you need to do." She answered smiling. "And... I actually think that your place is lovely."
I looked away, hiding my red face from her compliment. I turned to the kitchen which is just few steps away, half-pretending to wash the dishes in the sink. Unlike the mansion where I used to live before, our house has no division between the kitchen, dining and living room. That is why the atmosphere became more awkward, because although she's not saying anything, I can feel her eyes glued on me wherever I stand.
Finally, I'm done so I can go now and hang the laundry outside next. I exited through the back door connected to the kitchen. I breathe in and out heavily the moment I got out. I let a sigh of relief for my temporary escape. My face feels so hot and my heart is thumping so hard, this overwhelming sensation could possibly make me pass out anytime soon.
"It's peaceful out here." I suddenly heard Jurina's voice behind me.
"Ah!" I accidentally dropped the laundry basket I'm holding.
"I-I'm sorry, did I startle you?" She apologized, about to pick up the clothes on the ground. "Here, let me help you..."
"I-It's okay. You don't have to... you're our guest."
"I'm sorry if I followed you outside. I'm not doing anything there, so please let me help you..."
Our hands touched when she tried to grab the laundry basket, blood started to rush up my face again. I released my grip on the basket and faced away from her. I might get a heart attack if she keeps on doing this to me. I decided to pick up few clothes from the basket she's holding, and hang them up one by one to dry.
I'm trying so hard to avoid eye contact with her, but whenever I did, I always caught her smiling at me. Is she staring at me this whole time? Hours have already passed, but this fluttering feeling won't just fade away even a little.
"I hope you're not getting annoyed with me or something..." She speaks in a sadder tone.
"I admit I can't help myself but to admire and stare at you." She continued. "It suits you... being a country-side girl. I mean... I guess anything suits you, Rena."
And there it goes again, our eyes automatically locked on each other like opposite magnet poles. I missed her. I missed her so bad that I wanted to hug her tight and never let go. But reality snaps back on me. Looking at her now, she's not that Jurina she used to be. She became a one fine lady, seems very decent and educated. I'm glad I made the right decision back then, but at the same time, it felt a bit painful to know how she's been fine all those years without me.
"You look good yourself, too." I complimented her back. "I believe you're doing well."
She didn't say anything, but I saw a hint of loneliness in her eyes.
"I chose to live a simple normal life, Jurina." I bravely speak myself out. "This house might not be a mansion and only few people live
around here. But Oneechan and I already got used living in this place."
"Oneechan..." She repeated whispering to herself.
I know she's been wanting to ask the reason why I'm with her after all those terrible things she's done to us. But Oneechan is not a bad person, if only she can give her another chance like I did.
"I read your letter." She speaks again. "You told me that I shouldn't go and find you, so maybe you're wondering why I am here now."
Now that she mentioned, I realized I'm still not asking her yet why she's here. My mind is pre-occupied with her presence and with this overhelming happiness that whatever her reason doesn't matter anymore as long as she's with me now.
"Rena, it's been three years since you left that hospital. And there's never a day that I didn't think about you... worried about you."
I felt sincerity in her words, I wanted to tell her badly that I was the same. That I always think of her, and how I missed her everyday.
"I-I don't belong there, Jurina. You can be happier without me. You have your family, your friends, Mayu-san..."
"Mayu-chan?" She repeated in a confused tone.
Though I don't want to hear anything that happened between them since I left. I've already been through a hard time dealing with my ow imagination of a happy picture of them getting back together. During my long sleep back in the hospital, I heard them talking... saying I love you to each other, expressing their feelings for each other. And then I realized, I'm not needed there. I can only be a nuissance if I stayed.
"L-Look, the sun's going down. A-Are you hungry? I-I'm sorry, I forgot to offer you anything to eat." I switched the topic. "Let's go inside, I'll prepare some food."
I went back to the kitchen and said to cook dinner as an excuse for my cowardly escape. When she followed me inside, I immediately opened the fridge to look for some food.
"We haven't bought some grocery yet, so I hope you're okay with...-"
*BADUMP*
I froze. She suddenly wrapped her arms around me from behind, capturing me full.
"J-Jurina... W-What are you doing??"
She didn't answer, instead she tightened her embrace. I can feel her warm breathing against my bare neck. My knees are getting weak, it's impossible to fight off these feelings that I have for her. I didn't move a bit, because I know I've been wanting to feel her this close. And I don't want her to ever let go of me.
"Don't you really want me back in your life, Rena? Didn't you even miss me?" Her voice broke.
I felt her warm tears dropping on my skin.
"Because I do! I missed you so much that it hurts way so bad... and
it's been killing me since the day you left."
She slowly released her arms and turned me around facing her. Her
hands gripping on both my shoulders. I see her eyes red from tears.
"Look at me, Rena. Then tell me straight to my eyes that you don't want me."
*DOOR BELL RANG*
I immediately stepped back from her and walked away. I notice I'm
already having this habit of making escapes. I went to open the door.
"Tadaima!" Oneechan greeted me.
"O-Okaeri..." I answered in a low voice.
"Ah, Jurina-chan! I knew you'd still be here." Oneechan instantly saw
her as she entered the house.
"Oneechan... you knew she's coming?" I asked confused.
"No, I only happened to see her earlier today." She answered. "So...
what's with the atmosphere here? Is there something happened?"
"N-Nothing, I was just about to cook dinner when you arrived." I partly lied.
"Oh, but I already bought food, since I knew we already ran out of
grocery items. You'll be joining us for dinner right, Jurina-chan?"
"Actually, Sakippe-sensei... I'm also about to leave." Jurina responded.
Her answer felt like a dagger piercing my heart. I don't really want her to leave.
"You're leaving? But it's already dark out there. Why don't you stay
for the night? Rena's room is spacious for two, you can share with
her." Oneechan kept on babbling.
"O-Oneechan?!" My voice went high.
"What? Oh, yes I forgot... we don't have an extra futon. But I believe
you don't mind sleeping on the same futon with Rena, right?"
"W-Wait... But..." Jurina tried to protest.
"No buts, okay?" Oneechan cuts her off. "Don't be stubborn, Jurina-chan. You're a guest of this house and I was still your sensei.
I can't let you travel alone in the dark specially that you're not familiar with this town. So, please sit down and have dinner with us."
I'm amazed how good my sister is on taking advantages over the
circumstances. Jurina finally agreed to stay and the three of us
quietly ate dinner together. I admit, deep inside me, I'm so happy
that Jurina will not leave.
"Gochisousamadeshita!" Oneechan finished her plate. "Ah, I'm tired... I don't feel like taking a bath tonight, but I'll go now and prepare yours. It's quite late so it's better if you just share bath together at the same time."
"O-Oneechan?!" I exclaimed again.
"What is it this time, Rena? You used to take a bath with me when we're little. And besides, you're both girls. Is there any problem with that?"
My sister is really good at this and I can't win against her. But why
do I feel like she's doing this on purpose?
After few minutes, Oneechan called when the bath is ready, so I first went in. Eventhough Oneechan said that we used to take a bath together before, the bath place we had back then was actually larger than a standard-sized swimming pool. But what we have right now is only a small bath tub.
"Rena, I'm coming in." Jurina knocked and the bathroom door slides open.
I immediately faced away from her. I realized that this is the first time that we're both bare naked together.
She sat down and started to take a shower. I watched how she applies soap and shampoo on her. I can only see her back though. But even if it's just merely her back, this is still the first time I admire someone's back like this. I can't help but stare at her smooth skin and beautiful curves. I suddenly gulped at the sight. What is happening to me?
"I'm done with the shower." She spoke and I came back to my senses. "I'm going in the tub now."
I turned to the other side of the bath tub, not looking at her. The water overflowed as she went in and the splash was the last sound I heard. The long silence between us is deafening so I decided to break it a little.
"Sorry about Oneechan." I said still not looking at her.
"I noticed that your sister has changed. She's acting like a different
person now." She answered.
"Honestly speaking... she didn't. She's only gone back to my real Oneechan."
"Even if what you say is the truth, it's still hard for me to forget that she's the reason behind..... this scar." She softly touched the scar on my back.
"P-Please don't...!" I panicked. I'm not aware that she's looking at my scar.
"Why?" She immediately retreated.
"I-It's ugly."
"You're wrong. For me, that scar is the most beautiful part of you. It reminds me of the second life you gave me."
She touches my scar again and gently brushed her fingers against it. Her warm touch lingers on my skin. I closed my eyes to savor the moment. Then suddenly I felt hot breath on my back and before I knew it, her pair of soft lips are already resting on my scar. A thousand electric sparks began scattering across my body. This new unfamiliar sensation is too much and it scares me.
"I-I should leave..." I stood up and immediately left the bathroom
without looking back.
After I put my clothes on, I went outside for some cold fresh air
hoping that it would help my body temperature to go down. Why do I
still feel hot and bothered? I feel like burning, but the feeling is
different from having a fever.
"There you are..." Jurina followed me outside.
"Ah, how pretty!" She said as she looked up the night sky. "I'm amazed
how the stars are clearly visible from here."
"Because there are no city lights around this place." I explained.
"Yeah, exactly... The view from this town might be different from the
city, but the sky above them is always the same." Then she looked at
me again. "That's how I've always thought those years that we're
apart, that we're just under the same sky."
I felt like my heart is melting whenever she says sweet things to me. I knew she's already a sweet person even from the time I first met her, but this kind of sweetness she's giving me is different. And even the way she looks at me isn't the same as before, though I only pretend not to notice. Those gentle eyes kept on staring mine is like gravity
pulling me deeper into her.
*PIANO MUSIC PLAYING*
Jurina and I both faced away from each other when we suddenly heard
the sound coming from our house.
"Oneechan usually plays the piano everynight before she sleeps." I told her.
She then offered her hand and asked me, "Can I have this dance?"
I didn't expect that from her so I was a little surprised.
"Please?" She insisted.
I then took her hand and she smiled. She went closer and placed both my
hands on her shoulders, as she locked her arms around my waist. We
started to sway ourselves with the slow music, while looking deeply at
each other's eyes again.
"Did you know that the last time I danced... it was with you?" She
whispered, her eyes still locked on mine.
"Really? So am I." I softly chuckled.
"Since after that contest in Sapporo, I thought I already forgot how
to dance." She said.
"I don't think that's possible. You're the most talented dancer I've ever met. You can never forget how to dance."
"You think so? Well, thank you." She smiled again.
We shared a dance rhythm, we had no audience, it was just the two of
us alone. With pounding hearts and swelling emotions, no one sees us
but the bright stars above, watching and shining upon us. We stayed
like that, just holding each other under the beautiful night sky.
"I never expect I'd still get a chance to dance with you again... I missed this... and I..." There was a long pause. "I... missed you too, Jurina..."
She didn't say anything, but her reaction clearly shows how my words caught her off guard. Her face is slowly getting closer to mine until it's only an inch away. She moved forward almost closing the gap between our lips, and that's when the music suddenly ended.
"I-It's already late... W-We should take a rest." I said taking a step backward, and she only nodded.
I rushed back in the house and leaned my back on the wall. W-What was that? W-We almost kissed! She followed me inside shortly, so I quietly walked her to my room. I opened the door and show her where we'll sleep the night.
"You looked surprised, does my room seem too small for you?" I asked
in a little sarcastic tone.
"Well, your old room is indeed many times bigger, but it's just an empty room without you there. So, I must say... I like this one better. Because you're here." She answered directly.
She stepped inside my room and sit on the single futon placed on the floor.
"Do you know that I'm staying in your room in the mansion? And I made
it sure that nothing has changed there. Everything is exactly the same way how you left it."
She talks as her fingertips playfully touch the futon.
"That's because... I'm still hoping you'll come back... and I wanted you to see that nothing has changed once you return."
Jurina...
I'm speechless. I didn't know that she's waiting for me to come back.
I'm really happy to hear that from her.
"Hmm, Rena? Are you just going to stand there at the door all night?"
She softly chuckled.
I embarrassingly stepped inside and closed the door behind me. I went to her and lay myself beside her on the small futon. Ahh, she smells so nice. But that doesn't make any sense. I can't understand why I'm so captivated by her fragrance, she just used the same soap and shampoo I also used earlier. I turned my back on her and tried to ignore these weird feelings.
I'm not sure how much hours have passed. Maybe she's already asleep. I
wanted to see her sleeping face even just a bit. I carefully turned to
her side and was surprised to see that she's wide awake. Was she
staring at my back the whole time?
"You can't sleep, too?" She smiled.
"I-It's not that I can't sleep... I-I just don't want to." I admitted.
"Why?" She asked curiously.
"Many times, I've been having the same dream. In my dreams, you were
always there but whenever I tried to touch you, I wake up and you're
gone. I'm afraid that if I sleep tonight, you'll..."
"Sshh... This is not a dream, Rena." She took my one hand and rested
it on her cheek. "Do you feel it? I'm real."
Her face felt so warm and soft underneath my palm. I hope she can't
hear how loud my heart is thumping right now inside my chest.
"Come with me, Rena. I promise I'll never let you wake up alone again. I will be there by your side every single morning you open your eyes." She brushes my hair gently. "Grandfather will surely be happy when he sees you. He asked me to go here, he wants you back, Rena."
"Is he the reason why you came here?" I retreated my hand, trying to hide the sudden disappointment I felt.
"Obviously, I only used that as an excuse to see you." She answered looking to my eyes. "Rena, I've been wanting to ask you something for a long time now."
I only stared back at her with a questioning look.
"That night... before you passed out in my arms... you... well, uhm... kissed me... on my lips..."
My eyes widened upon hearing what she just said. I panicked, my heart started to pound hard. I think I already know the question that she will ask.
That night when I was shot, the pain my body felt was unbearable and I thought that was the end of me. Then my weak eyes saw her crying. The last thing that came to my mind is that... I wanted to show my real feelings for her. I was dying and I thought that was my last chance to let her know that I love her.
"You left me with unanswered questions running through my head like... why did you kiss me... and I was thinking like... that kiss must mean something..." She continues.
What should I answer? I'm scared of how she might react if I tell her the truth. Will she get disgusted? Will she hate me again?
"I believe that whatever my reason was... will not matter anymore." I
simply answered facing away.
"It does matter to me!"
Jurina caught me off-guard and suddenly climbed on top of me. Her eyes are raging. Why is she acting
like this? Is it even possible that...
"Rena... I-I love you!" She said aloud.
S-She loves me? It took long before my brain finally processed those words. Maybe, I'm just overthinking. Ofcourse, she loves me. She's a loving person. She probably loves me as a family or as a friend.
"I do love you too, Jurina. But I don't think our love is the same." I slowly confessed. "Since the beginning , I never thought of you as a sister, nor just an ordinary friend. I knew that even you find out that we're not real sisters, you'll probably still think of me the same old way. And I can no longer bear to only stay like...-"
I didn't manage to finish my sentence anymore. Her lips crushed mine. I blinked twice, thrice... My body is trembling underneath her. I felt a thousand electric sparks travelling on every fiber of my body. The weight of her lips slowly lightens up against mine, but she's not breaking the kiss. Her lips felt so soft and welcoming, that my eyelids started shutting to savor them. She moved and I just let her to deepen the kiss. My lips move on their own and began to dance with hers in a rhythm. The feeling in that moment is like embarking into an unfamiliar territory, but at the same time, it was warm... honest... and perfect. All my barriers were almost gone, when I realized this is wrong.
"J-Jurina... W-We can't..." I slightly pushed her away and sat up.
"Why?" She looked confused.
"Did you already forget how I planned to destroy your life? I lied to you! I almost killed you!"
"Rena, YOU saved my life. That's the only thing that I wanted to remember."
"Jurina, please... I don't want to ruin your life anymore. You have a
better future back there without me. And besides, you already have
Mayu-san... you will be much happier with her."
"Mayu-chan? I don't think you understand. Mayu-chan and I are good
friends. She knew I'm in love with you and she wanted me to be happy
with you. Please don't make any more excuses. Just tell me, if you don't want me..."
"I-I... do want you... You just don't know how much I waited for this to happen, Jurina. I've loved you for too long. I may not be aware of it, I think I've fallen for you since the very first day we met. I loved you even before I realized it myself. But my life did not make things easy for me. I hurt everyone... our family, our friends... I hurt you. Even I, can't still forgive myself for what I have done. A person like me doesn't deserve you. I will just keep on hurting everyone if I come back to your lives. So please, Jurina... don't make it harder for me anymore."
I saw how tears started to fall down her cheeks. Why do I always end up hurting her over and over again?
"This is so unfair, Rena..." She speaks between her cries.
"Jurina..."
"Then even just for tonight... can we pretend that there's nothing else existed but the two of us? If we own the world alone... will you then allow yourself to love me?"
She desperately pleads. The way she looks at me is digging holes in my heart. Tears escaped from my eyes, I nodded and reached for her.
I temporarily freed myself from the things that were holding me back from loving her. I stopped thinking and just let my heart do what it is longing. And that is to feel Jurina's warmth and let her hold me in her arms.
-
I slowly opened my eyes and saw the brightness of my room. It's morning already, that means I fell asleep?
"J-Jurina?" I immediately sat up.
She's not here next to me. Don't tell me it was all a dream again?
"Hey, I'm right here..." She walked from the door then went closer to me. She gave me a gentle smile.
"Ohayou, Rena..." She leaned to kiss my forehead, then down to my cheek.
"I-I thought you already left..." My tone sounded a bit relieved.
"I'm waiting for you to wake up before I leave." She answered.
I noticed she's already dressed up. Seeing her prepared to leave anytime makes my chest hurt.
"Okaasan just called. Grandfather needs me."
"How is he?" I worriedly asked.
"He's not in great shape. I should hurry back home. Will you come home with me, Rena?"
"I-I'm sorry... I don't think I...-"
"It's okay, I understand..." She softly touches my face. "You don't have to push yourself."
She stood up and turned her back on me. "Then I guess this is goodbye. Please take care of yourself, Rena."
And then she just left me after saying those words. I wanted to run after her but my body won't move. I just cried myself out. I felt so helpless, I don't want to be separated from her but this is the right thing to do. This is my own choice, I chose my own suffering.
-
"Why didn't you go with her?" Oneechan shortly came to my room.
I didn't answer, I only continue sobbing.
"Rena..." She went closer and hugged me. "If you're thinking about me, I'm fine by myself."
"Oneechan, I don't want to leave you alone here but it's not just it." My voice sounded broken. "I'm afraid that if I come back there, I'll hurt her again. I only brought misfortune to her life and I don't want that to happen anymore. Staying here... far away from her... is what's best for us."
My sister suddenly tapped my head then kissed it after.
"Oneechan?"
"Your heart was never here, Rena. You're with me these years but it felt like you're not at all. I'd rather be alone than to see you empty like that. I don't want a hollow little sister anymore."
She held my hands and looked into my eyes sincerely.
"I am sorry, Rena. Everything is not your fault. Please forgive me for making you feel miserable. You're a good person. You deserve to be happy and to be loved."
"Oneechan..."
"Always remember that I love you, my little Rena. Oneechan wants you to be happy. So, be brave... and go back to your happiness."
TBCthere are 2 chapters left
hope things will treat me well so that i can finish this already
thanks for reading